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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I in the wrong or is he being pathetic?

111 replies

IdiotIntrusion · 26/03/2022 12:51

Brand new job. Been here a few weeks. Went away for business for two days/one night to visit one of the other offices and whilst I was there, swapped my laptop bag with manager's.

Get home, start getting questioned on why I smell 'like another man' and that I can't even be trusted to go away once. I stated it was the new bag - pointed to the evidently different bag to what I left the house with - and asked if he was joking. Yes, the bag does smell strongly of manager's aftershave but there was no 'man scent' on me or my clothes.

Then he starts questioning what 'that smell is'. Saying it smells like 'human sweat'. So essentially saying I also smell like sex. Keep in mind it's bloody roasting outside and I'd been sat in a car for 3.5 hours so clearly wasn't going to be in the freshest condition.

When I ask why he doesn't trust me he states he does but his ex cheated on him. I have no time for that excuse as I found out my ex husband had several secret families (incl. children) whilst we were married so it's a pathetic excuse to use.

It's now been two days and he won't talk to me. All this because I swapped a laptop bag with my manager. I understand him asking what 'that that other man smell is' but this is just getting ridiculous. I'm going to be expected to go away for business frequently with this new role and I feel like I'm going to have this every time I go away or I'm just going to have to end the relationship.

Is it actually me that's in the wrong here for going away for business for two days or is he being an absolute pathetic man child?

OP posts:

Original poster

IdiotIntrusion · 26/03/2022 15:59

He's never stopped me seeing friends or colleagues. It seems to be that he only starts being a pathetic manchild when it comes to his jealousy and insecurities. Anything that hurts his male ego.

My head's all over the place. I don't want to put up with the bullshit anymore but the thought of ending it upsets me because it's not all been bad.

If he could just stop being jealous and demanding it would solve everything.

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 26/03/2022 16:03

You are scared to leave him with your animals. Returning the bag won’t help, it’s not the bag- it’s him. He’s not rational, no amount of reasoning would help. Please change the locks while he’s out, it’s ok to do that as you’re also scared of him.

EthelTheAardvark · 26/03/2022 16:05

No way of locking him out as it's one of those turn locks on the inside.

So get a locksmith in to change the lock.

EthelTheAardvark · 26/03/2022 16:07

If he could just stop being jealous and demanding it would solve everything.

Would it? What about the fact that you can't trust him with your animals?

Anyway,, he isn't going to "just stop", and you know it. So you really need to do as suggested - get the locks changed when he is out, pack up his things, text him to say it's over and tell him to collect his stuff from outside your door. If he comes round and tries to get aggressive, call the police.

Loopytiles · 26/03/2022 16:08

Abusers aren’t abusive all the time and time with them isn’t ‘all bad’.

He is v unlikely to stop the behaviours.

NannyKrampus · 26/03/2022 16:21

Hope for your sake and that of your pets that you will find the strength to kick out this disgusting excuse for a man. There are solutions for your concerns. But your fears about his reaction highlight all the more why you need to get rid of him.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 26/03/2022 16:51

Please, please get rid of him. Wait until he goes out, arrange a locksmith and pack his stuff up. Do not let him back into the house under any circumstances.

Please don't live the rest of your life like this

Abaababa · 26/03/2022 16:52

Utter dick, life is too short for this dickery.

I had an ex BF who was sooooo jealous, I had gone abroad for a work project and it was me and my manager, who was openly gay. And guess what, the fucker still thought I just be having an affair with him. No surprise the relationship didn’t last very long but it was about 10 months of sheer frustration, tears, guilt tripping and gaslighting. Never again!

Some people never recover from being cheated on, don’t let him take out all the sins of the world on you.

Shoxfordian · 26/03/2022 16:52

Yes if the abusive man wasn’t abusive then it’d be fine

Abuse is a cycle; sometimes he’s nice, sometimes he’s not. Don’t get trapped in it

pointythings · 26/03/2022 16:52

I think your experience of previous abuse has skewed your perception of what a good relationship is. 'It's not all bad' doesn't cut it. All relationships have their ups and downs, but this level of jealousy and insecurity coupled with him giving you the silent treatment and his views on your pets constitutes enough shit to ruin your sandwich.

iRun2eatCake · 26/03/2022 16:55

@IdiotIntrusion

He pays half the bills and towards food.

I would've hoped after over a year he would be over the fact his ex cheated on him. I've never given him reason to doubt; I work from home 100% of the time (until recently), he has full access to my phone, I very rarely go out with friends but if I do then he's invited (my friends are couples, he's not intruding).

He's always comparing me to her. I don't think a day goes by where he doesn't mention her. Or he tries to compare himself to my ex by saying how much better than him he is.

If he mentions her everyday then he's not over her which means your relationship is doomed

iRun2eatCake · 26/03/2022 16:57

He hates them. Feels like animals are below humans and that their lives don't matter.

W..T..A..F... and you're questioning whether you should be with him when he has this attitude.

Good grief

FeckTheMagicDragon · 26/03/2022 17:03

Ring 101 and explain that you want to tell this man to leave YOUR house but that you are afraid he will refuse, get violent and hurt your animals. Ask for their advice. I bet his ex did not cheat on him. I bet his jealousy drove her to leave him.

MadMadMadamMim · 26/03/2022 17:05

@IdiotIntrusion

I think it's because we live together that I feel like I can't leave. It's 100% my house (owned). We're only in a relationship so he has no legal standing here.

So simple.

The more you post about him the more abusive he sounds. You get someone you know to come round tomorrow if you possible can to support you. And you tell him to pack up all of his stuff and go. And the pair of you watch him do it.

It is not your problem where he goes to. Get him out. He has no right to be there, and he is awful.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 26/03/2022 17:12

If he hates your animals and you are frightened to leave them with him, then he is not an amazing human.

You need to get him out of your house to protect them and to protect yourself.

Change the locks. Have counselling.
And don’t look back.

You cannot live like this.

Pashazade · 26/03/2022 17:21

Change the locks/ buy bolts, throw his stuff into bin bags and leave it outside tomorrow when he's gone. Send h I'm a we are finished message and then block on everything. You've already said he hates your pets, do you really want to be in a relationship with someone that unpleasant. Get out of this relationship, please, you have a new job the only way from here is up without him involved.

LIZS · 26/03/2022 17:29

@IdiotIntrusion

He's never stopped me seeing friends or colleagues. It seems to be that he only starts being a pathetic manchild when it comes to his jealousy and insecurities. Anything that hurts his male ego.

My head's all over the place. I don't want to put up with the bullshit anymore but the thought of ending it upsets me because it's not all been bad.

If he could just stop being jealous and demanding it would solve everything.

Even if he were to stop that behaviour it would become something else. He knows which buttons to press and how to manipulate you into feeling guilty on his behalf. He is conditioning you into submission, will destroy your mh and may even turn to violence, towards the animals and you. This is coercive control which is a crime.

FlowerArranger · 26/03/2022 18:36

You have to travel on business, staying away overnight, sometime Era l days.

And you are afraid that he might hurt your pets.

And you are reluctant to kick him out? why???

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 26/03/2022 19:07

You need to take responsibility for your dpets. And that means ensuring their safety. Get rid op.
Of him not the dpets..

bembridge11 · 26/03/2022 19:09

He is being a twat. Ignore him: if be cant handle you new job he knows where the front door is.

springtimeishereagain · 26/03/2022 21:10

Agree over the whole 'not going anywhere or seeing anyone' because it's easier. Kind of already at that stage

Jealous, controlling fool.

And every day he mentions his ex or yours.

Uh oh. Massive string of bunting.

If I were you, I'd end it now. He's a jealous, unreasonable lunatic and won't get any better.

billy1966 · 26/03/2022 21:33

@Sugarplumfairy65

This.

You are afraid of him.

Call 101 and tell them you want him out of YOUR home.

That you are afraid.
Ask for help.

Get this awful man out of your home asap.
Please.

billy1966 · 26/03/2022 21:36

How the hell you could describe a man that you are nervous of and is unkind to your animals as an amazing person is genuinely bizarre to me.

newbiename · 27/03/2022 23:11

@tempester28

Why did you swap bags?

Why ?

EthelTheAardvark · 27/03/2022 23:17

@newbiename, OP has answered that question. Not that it's relevant to anything.

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