Am I in the wrong or is he being pathetic?

[IdiotIntrusion]

Brand new job. Been here a few weeks. Went away for business for two days/one night to visit one of the other offices and whilst I was there, swapped my laptop bag with manager's.

Get home, start getting questioned on why I smell 'like another man' and that I can't even be trusted to go away once. I stated it was the new bag - pointed to the evidently different bag to what I left the house with - and asked if he was joking. Yes, the bag does smell strongly of manager's aftershave but there was no 'man scent' on me or my clothes.

Then he starts questioning what 'that smell is'. Saying it smells like 'human sweat'. So essentially saying I also smell like sex. Keep in mind it's bloody roasting outside and I'd been sat in a car for 3.5 hours so clearly wasn't going to be in the freshest condition.

When I ask why he doesn't trust me he states he does but his ex cheated on him. I have no time for that excuse as I found out my ex husband had several secret families (incl. children) whilst we were married so it's a pathetic excuse to use.

It's now been two days and he won't talk to me. All this because I swapped a laptop bag with my manager. I understand him asking what 'that that other man smell is' but this is just getting ridiculous. I'm going to be expected to go away for business frequently with this new role and I feel like I'm going to have this every time I go away or I'm just going to have to end the relationship.

Is it actually me that's in the wrong here for going away for business for two days or is he being an absolute pathetic man child?

If you’re*

Why did you swap bags?

@Watchkeys

He hates them. Feels like animals are below humans and that their lives don't matter

Yes, and that's up to him. What difference would it make to them what he feels? What action do you think he might take?

I see him getting quite rough with them and I've had to tell him off a few times. I worry he wouldn't think anything of hurting them.

@tempester28

Why did you swap bags?

Theirs was a backpack which is cooler... Also more practical/secure for if I need to venture in to the office in the city centre as I can sit back on it when on the train/tram. They are located at a different office so it didn't matter to them.

The issue here isn't that he doesn't trust you, it's that you can't trust him.

Why are you interested in someone who might harm your pets? Doesn't that 100% turn you off a person? Even if it was a friend or a colleague?

Why did he move in, was it your idea or his?

He is like this over a bag? Really? Did he encourage you to get this job? Were you previously wfh so he knew where you were and what you were doing? He sounds insecure and controlling.

@IdiotIntrusion

No children.

He's happy to comment on how 'attractive' other women are or talk about his past sexual encounters but I can't carry around a bag that has another man's scent on it.

So, why are you tolerating this double standard? Why are you in a relationship with someone who treats you like this? The fact that he has XYZ other qualities doesn’t change the fact that this is unacceptable behaviour.

Huge turn off. I adore animals so couldn't imagine someone having no value over their life.

Joint decision on moving in together. My place made more sense as he was only renting and I'd have had to have sold this place.

Yes, he's like this over a bag. Didn't encourage me to get it. It's my dream job so I'd have taken it irrelevant of his feelings towards it. I was a hybrid worker before. In the past month I've only been away once with work so I'm home a lot more now than I used to be.

I adore animals so couldn't imagine someone having no value over their life

So why are you with him?!

Yes, you’re in another abusive relationship.

Given the risk he presents to you and your pets, wouldn’t tell him in advance that you require him to move out.

would line up a locksmith for a day he’s working, change the locks, pack as much of the stuff as you can and put it outside. Tell him you will deliver the rest to a place of his choosing later.

And don’t open the door to him. Call police if he gets threatening.

Also, he is NOT an ‘amazing human’. He’s a common garden abuser.

Huge turn off

So why is your OP all about what he thinks of you?

He's turned you right off him. Why isn't that concerning you, but what he thinks of you is?

What @Loopytiles said. And then focus on your dream job and boosting your self esteem, so you won't be at risk of succumbing to another abusive misogynist.

in the grand scheme of things he's an amazing human

No he isn’t.

Why did you swap bags?

Why does that matter?

What's the worst that would actually happen if you said. Right. Enough. Pack your bags and leave now.

Not much really. By bed time you could breathe easy.

Go and buy a couple of bolts. While he's pacikng his stuff you can put them up and slide them shut as he walks out the door.

Better still take the reference no of your existing locks and replace them. Literally takes 15 mins.

Men who hate animals are a step away from being a psychopath imo. .
Get rid ASAP op. Before one of your dpets disappears..

Some men make up accusations because they are reflecting on their own experience. Sometimes it's mingled with paranoia , sometimes possessiveness, rarely it's because they love you so much they couldn't bear to think you had been with someone else. You know he has "several" other families and an ex who he says cheated on him . This is not a relationship of equals. He uses and abuses women.Dont be another name on his list

Oops. Apologies, I noticed that the several families wasn't him. My advice still stands. He's not adding anything of value to your lufe

Can you text the neighbours and say your scared and want him gone but are afraid he will kick off and ask them to call the police to come standby while he leaves.

Just delete that text then and tell them not to reply with anything he might see as suspicious

And imagine if he is like this every time you go to the office? It will undermine your new job, it already has taken the sheen off. It is a form of control and abuse. I bet he meets other people, women even, at work and you do not jump to such conclusions. Has he isolated you firm friends and colleagues in the past? Can you reach out to anyone? He may well have done this before, you could make a request under Clare's Law but that takes time. Try calling 111 and ask for advice as to how to remove him safely. Tell them you fear for yourself and the pets.

Christ. Domestic abusers are not ‘amazing humans’, get the police to remove him if he starts any violence or threats.

Call the police and say you want him out but they need to be there to keep the peace

He’s not amazing at all