My husband loves someone else as well as me

[Sazdun]

Bit of a long winded one but all my close friends are also friends of his or wives of his friends so have no one to turn to.
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 15. We have two girls (5 years and 10 months) and life is pretty much perfect. Yet despite all this I have found out he is in love with someone else. I know he loves me too but having seen how he behaved last weekend I am now all over the place and feel shattered.
Back in 2013 a new girl joined his work and from the get go it was clear there was a mutal attraction there (I don't think anything aside from some slight flirting has ever occured) but she also moved very near to us and as a result my husband (fiance at the time) and her would share lifts, walk to work together etc and grew close. Since they both met she has also been with her partner too. This is why I don't believe anything has ever occurred between them.
Over the years my husband and her have been on work trips together, hung out together and we as a couple have socialised with her.
To be honest, current issue aside, I see what my husband likes about her, she is pretty and very kind. Over the years she has made a real effort to include me, give gifts to our kids, help us out but if I am honest deep down it has always left a bit of a nagging feeling that this is all just an attempt to seem great to my husband. I know this makes me sound paranoid but otherwise she would just be too bloody perfect.
In return my husband seems to make an effort in his friendship with her even though he is not an overtly sociable guy. They message each other fairly regularly despite working together and while the message are all above board (I've checked), he doesn't behave like this with any other women.
After a night out when people mistook her for his wife and his friends were teasing me about 'the other woman', we had an argument about her and candidly spoke to him about her. He said he doesn't know what it is about her but he likes her and cares for her and is someone he would like in his life. While that made me slightly uncomfortable and I don't really know what to make of that, at the same time I want my husband to have friends who he cares about who are a range of different people. It has meant Over the past three years I have stepped up to be a friend to her too, I thought that might guarantee there is less chance she might overstep the mark and do anything. As I have got to know her I can see she cares deeply for my husband but that she also values the friendship I have with her too. I also think she is quite lonely and insecure. Personally I think she can do better than the guy she is with and I can see why someone like my husband is the type of person in an ideal world she would be with however in this world he is my husband.
Anyway last weekend we were at her wedding and my husband's reaction to her freaked me out and brought everything that has been under the surface for the past 8 years to a head. As she walked down the aisle he couldn't take his eyes of her. He even said to me she looked stunning (he isn't the type of guy to normally talk about people like that) and at a point in the ceremony he looked about ready to cry (he didn't even look at me like that at our own wedding). Later at the reception when my husband and her danced together they looked perfect together and so happy to be dancing together. I honestly felt like I had been punched in the gut. We left not long after as I said I didn't feel well. When we got home the next day I spoke to him about how I felt and asked him if he loved her. He said that he ofcourse loved me but there was a part of him that did love her but he didn't know in what way and he has felt like that for years but would never do anything to hurt me and our girls. When I asked him if he wanted to be with her, he said there was no point discussing that, however now I can't get it out my head. He has known her since before we got married, he could have broken it off with me and got with her if he wanted and I feel she would have been happy to go with him but now I feel like she will always be the perfect one who got away to him and I will never be able to view their relationship as an innocent friendship.
I don't know what to do. She has invited us round for dinner next weekend but I can't even face seeing her and I now feel like my husband doesn't truly love me or that our life is the one he truly wants and I feel heartbroken.
Any advice on what to do would be great.

not coming from the perspective of the husband

@Sushi7 I don’t leave my husband because I love them both. It’s very possible to love more than one person. The key is honesty and no lies. Polyamory is acceptance that ‘the one’ is a concept created by society.
Why is it obvious I love my friend more than my husband? Is it because I gave my husband the option to leave? Remember I also have him the option of telling me I needed to completely break with my friend and I would’ve done that. But if I had done that there is no guarantee I wouldn’t fall for someone else. I can, and do, prioritise my husband, if possible I love him even more now than when we married.
My husband and I have been married 14 years which is far longer than most of my friends whose marriages have ended in divorce.

Ouch. This is what I read into that message, he does still fancy her, but he has realised you’re onto him, so he’s massively minimising in the hope he can keep his ‘friendship’ aka his EA going.
The nearly crying at the wedding is the biggest indicator to me, he sounds like he realised this door finally closed for him and he was distraught.
You’ve caught him out OP, I wouldn’t be able to carry in with DH in these circumstances. I hope you’re ok

My reading of that message ( which I agree it's very long) is that he cares about her deeply( I have male friends like that) and that he is not convinced she is making sensible choices in life which frustrated him( you yourself said you were not that impressed with her choice of partner) so that may have explained his emotion at the wedding. I would be gutted if one of my close male friends married someone I thought would be bad for them.
It is interesting that in life, we want people to be honest and Frank but sometimes with partners we would prefer them to lie. I have a DH with ASD and he says things as they are all the time. It is hard but honest so I never have too second guess what is going on.
This man loves you and wants to spend rest of his life with you. I think he needs to cool the contact with her out of respect to you. Sounds like she has your back which is good too. How many of us can honestly say we don't have opposite sex friends where we have not sometimes wondered what life would have been line had were married them instead. I love the bones of my husband but sometimes have wondered how life might have been different had I taken a different path. Does not mean I don't love what I have now.

@Sazdun

That text he sent that you copied in on your post at 10.27 today is cringeworthy. I feel nauseous just reading it.

As for this bit...

Do I love her? Yes but I cannot explain the type of love it is. She is my friend, I want the best for her, sometimes her choices frustrate me but I am not her husband, her brother so I have to step back and it annoys me at times because I know I could make it better but boundaries and I don't want to step on her man's toes. You know me, I like to fix things if I can. You and I have even talked about this and how we wish we could sort those bits of her life because she is such a great person.

URGH!

And the fact he says 'I like to fix things, you know me' just makes my toes curl. A married man who has to be the knight-in-shining-armour to another woman who is having issues or problems, (or who he sees as needing support,) is repugnant.

A man who is trying to be Mr Nice Guy to a woman who's a bit vulnerable, or who he SEES as needing help, (when he has got a wife and children at home,) is just one of the worst men to be married to. Because he thinks he is King, and all the wimmin need HIS help to 'fix' them! They need his big manly chest to cry into, and his big manly arms to carry them...

He does it because it feeds his ego, and because he is often a drip of a man who is a low achiever... so helping an iccle wumman with her life helps him to puff out his chest and look all big and manly and special. No matter how it may hurt his wife and make her feel upset and insecure and hurt. 'Oh, but it's you I love baby....' VOM! pass the sick bucket! 🤢

He sounds like a total twat, and you really need to be looking into ways to get out of this relationship, because once 'Mrs Perfect' decides your DH is just an annoying blob, she will give him a wide berth/ghost him, and he will find another iccle woman to have an emotional affair with.

Sorry @Sazdun but he sounds pathetic. You - and your children - deserve better.

There is no possible way that friendship can continue if you wish to remain married

@LetHimHaveIt

'I was trying to contribute something from the other side as it were and my insights from the thinking and actions of a man who sounds very like the OP's husband - his text confirms the similarities.'

But you're coming from the perspective of the husband. You're coming from the perspective of the husband's side-piece - you're the woman for whom his feelings were so strong, that he just couldn't 'put them back in the bottle.' You must be amazing. And just much, much better than the 'difficult' wife.

Yep. SUPER-helpful perspective.

Do you not think it useful for the OP to get that perspective? If SHE wants me to stop contributing, that's fine but this situation is nuanced and complicated and a variety of insights can hopefully help her to decide what to do.

[quote Theluggage15]@ThanksItHasPockets has it right I think. He was upset seeing her get married because now that part of his fantasy is over and she’s no longer ‘available’ as such. He needs to drop all contact with her, that massively long indulgent text is him enjoying talking about her and his feelings but with little interest for you and your feelings.

If I was you I would be thinking about getting away from him. What if she crooks her finger at him in the future, will he come running so he can live out his fantasy? Do you want to live with that worry and suspicion?[/quote]
Yeah all of this.

All I will add is (as I said in my post just there ,^) if Mrs Perfect who he is obsessed with, decides to remove him from her life, he will very likely just find another woman to fantasise about anyway. This kind of man always does. Needs a woman to whose life he can 'fix,' and who he can obsess about, to feed his pathetic ego.

When I was you g and single I had one rule, that I wouldn’t do to another woman what I wouldn’t want done to me.

I’m trying not to swear here but that text would have seen me up for murder! Unbelievable and totally shameless dressed up as him being honest.

"
And the fact he says 'I like to fix things, you know me' just makes my toes curl. A married man who has to be the knight-in-shining-armour to another woman who is having issues or problems, (or who he sees as needing support,) is repugnant."

Yup that leapt out at me too

He's not the Prince you make him out to be OP. he's a weak, vacillating man who doesn't prioritise the people he should.

I'm sorry OP, I would be heartbroken to hear my other half talk about another woman like that. It's been going on nearly 10yrs, it's not going to end, it's always going to be what if for the pair of them and one day they won't be able to hold out anymore.

They think they're doing the "right thing" but actually they're just being a pair of ducks who need to get over themselves and either cut contact or be brave and get together.

He's not doing you a favour by staying with you at all, no matter how much he thinks he is- he is a selfish prick who needs a wake up call

It sounds like unrequited love on his part.

But I think I’d have to say either you divorce, he leaves his job or NC with this friend.

I think that life, love and marriages are not so clear cut as certain posters make out……I do agree with Zippy1510, the friendship has to end or this will tear your marriage apart and if he doesn’t agree then you know where his loyalty lies!

If you're staying together then he has to cut all contact and look for another job. For his own sake as well as yours.

I agree with this. If this was my DH I would be telling him to find a new job if he wanted to stay together. And to end the friendship as well, it’s not a friendship on his part at least. And depending on her feelings, one day they may cross the line.

He’s not considering your feelings here at all OP. I don’t think I’d be able to trust him the same way again, he hasn’t cheated but he clearly wants to and knows he’s out of order.

Reading that would make me want to give him a good hard slap. What a wimp.

i would have a talk with him that the friendship ends and no more EA's in the future or else i would leave him.
would you go to relate counsellor together?

Im so sorry. That message would destroy my marriage and I can imagine how soul destroying it is for you.

There is no way I could accept him continuing a friendship with her and I would never want to set eyes on her again. I wouldnt be able to feel secure with him in our relationship ever again I don't think.

He has been so fucking selfish and to encourage a friendship with you and her to allow him to keep her in his life beyond low.

I would arrange couples counselling but it would be with a view to splitting and him realising how he has been so unfair and disrespectful to you and your relationship.

I dont think I could even bare him touching me after reading all of that.

'Do you not think it useful for the OP to get that perspective? If SHE wants me to stop contributing, that's fine but this situation is nuanced and complicated and a variety of insights can hopefully help her to decide what to do.

I very quickly corrected to 'not coming from the perspective of the husband'. Because you're not. You can't truly know the perspective of another person, even if they are getting their dick wet inside you. You describe the wife as being 'difficult' and your AP as 'lacking in balls' and 'treating her badly' because he didn't want to 'be the bad guy'. How was your behaviour in all this? What sort of person are you? Exemplary, no doubt, and bloody amazing. Ok.

He basically wants to have his cake and eat it.. he's taking the piss big time, lovely wife and children at home while he plays the saviour and the big man to this woman...time to get angry OP, I'm so sorry this has happened to you, it's a shitty thing to do to someone you profes to love...

His (long) message come across as though he wants you to be some kind of emotional sounding board/provide comfort because he’s broken up with someone. It’s like something my best friend might send me if her first love got married!

Oh gosh. Reading your post is heart breaking.

I know people will come in strong and if you want to leave him I can see why. But you have two little girls and I can see why that's probably not the first place you want to jump to. I think the more balanced advice is better but I don't for one minute think it's necessarily the easiest for you. I can imagine it feels very 'put up and shut up'.

He's put you in a position where you're effectively competing with an idealised version of another woman - a woman who doesn't take her make-up off in front of him, break wind, or has a go at him for leaving his socks out! She can do no wrong. That's horrible.

I read a book called Brand New Friend by Mike Gayle. It's an easy read, beach type book - but it's about something similar, written from the man's perspective.

I also agree with what others are saying - she probably wouldn't have him. If she had fallen in love with him, it would probably have come out at some point. What does her husband make of all this? Do you know him well?

One thing I would be doing - although not sure that it's particularly effective or mature but I'd be showing him he'd destroyed our marriage with actions not words. I'd be saying he needs to sleep in the spare room. I'd be dropping him out of any plans. I'd be taking my kids off for days out - saying - I need space. I'd be leaving him alone in an evening and I'd be barely speaking to him during the day. I'd also be making a big old effort to look great and I'd be taking myself off to places. I'd have him wondering wtf I was up to. I'd be distracted by my phone. And I'd be visibly showing him I don't have any desire to be around him. I'd let him feel me slip away, while I planned for a single life.

What he does with that, faced with a clear uncertainty in his home is down to him.

I wouldn't be saying to him I want to work on our marriage. I'd probably say something like- it's very hurtful all this and it's making me rethink the way I feel about you and in all honesty I don't know how I feel about you anymore. Then withdraw. Its going to be hard to do but I feel if you do withdraw it gives you time to get prepared and it will either spark him to fight for you and wake up from this ridiculous dream and bring things to a head or it will send him the other way and then you'll be able to walk.

Better than living in limbo I guess?

Omg sorry your husband is so effing annoying! I can't believe he's managed to maintain close relationships with not one, but two women. I already can't stand him. He writes like he's the lead character in Dawsons Creek. Get over yourself mate - it is so totally unnecessary to commit every thought in your head to a text message. Either bury the feelings or do something about them but don't give your poor long suffering wife that equivocal "will they won't they" message.

If that message hasn't given you terminal "ick" then I don't know what would.

He basically wants to have his cake and eat it

Absolutely this. I think he has to choose regardless of whether he's being truthful or not, now he knows your feelings. It's you or her.

My DH (now ex) likes to be the shining Knight to many people.
It is very damaging, there is no doubt about that.
In your shoes I'd kick him out to sort his head out and hope that he genuinely then wants you. I believe this is your best hope of a favourable longterm outcome.
However, it's a scary thing to do. I wasn't brave enough to do this and in the end he left me.
It's a shit situation he's put you in op and I feel for you.

Goodness op what a heart breaking message. I'm so sorry.
I don't really have any advice only that it sounds as if she's got her head screwed on, which doesn't help you I know. Would he consider counselling?