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Original poster

Think I have to face the fact my Mum doesn't love me

104 replies

WildRiceOnToast · 24/03/2022 23:12

Sorry, this all sounds really pathetic and self pitying but it's completely eating me up.

DM lives abroad on her own. DF died 5 years ago. I travel to see her whenever I can, in normal times a couple of times a year staying about a week. She hasn't been to visit me for more than six years. I've invited her to come anytime but she doesn't want to. She hasn't seen by DC since then, they don't want to come over as the last time she visited us she completely blanked them the whole time and they were very hurt. She never rings me, it is always me making contact with her. I've never tested it, but I suspect if I waited for her to call I would simply never hear from her again. She hasn't acknowledged mine or DC's birthdays or Christmas with even a card or a call for about 10 years now.

So here I am four days into a week long visit to her and she's barely spoken to me the whole time. Doesn't want to go out anywhere with me. Just ignores me. The realisation has finally struck that she just doesn't want to know and I'm thinking what am I doing here? She's probably wishing i would take the hint and leave her alone. So I have brought my return flight forward and I am leaving early. Not sure where to go from here. I guess I should ring now and then to check on her, but then again maybe I should just drop contact, it seems to be what she wants.

I feel broken. Who does this to their own daughter? I would be horrified if I had made one of my DC feel like this.

OP posts:
bloodywhitecat · 24/03/2022 23:16

I don't know why some people do this to their own children but they do and it hurts. It really, really hurts. I know my mother doesn't love me either, her recent refusal to come to DH's funeral cemented that belief for me. I think I have come to the point where I have faced that fact and I am done. Do you want to keep contacting her?

PeppaPigWorld · 24/03/2022 23:17

I'm so sorry. That's so sad. Sad

Have you tried asking her about it? It seems at this stage you've got nothing to lose.

Has she always been like this? Just wondering if there's something else at play. Grief, depression etc since your dad died?

Coffeeonmytoffee · 24/03/2022 23:26

You're so brave and I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Some parents are selfish and self obsessed - they just don't have the capacity to love.
It's not you it's entirely her. You've managed to create a happy life full of love despite her massive shortcomings and that shows what a remarkable person you are.
It's very hard to accept I know, bit it's entirely her problem. I'm just so sad for you that you have to go through this.

Hoplesscynic · 24/03/2022 23:26

I would drop the contact entirely if I were you. It is extremely hurtful, but perhaps less hurtful than her showing you such outright indifference?
I've had similar, where I felt hurt, angry and unfairly treated - cut the contact to almost non existant and now I see it was the right decision as there was barely any relationship anyway.

Peakypolly · 24/03/2022 23:29

Do you have any siblings? Does she have the same attitude to them?
Was she equally uninterested in you when your DF was alive?
Some women give birth but don't seem to have much of a maternal instinct.

HollowTalk · 24/03/2022 23:37

I am so sorry for you. Having anybody treat you like that is really horrible never mind your own mother. She sounds very very strange. What was she like when you were growing up? I would drop all contact, or rather I would just not contact her again. Be careful as she may well contact you when she needs support and assistance when she's older. Don't cave in.

💐

DaffTheDoggo · 24/03/2022 23:41

Her behaviour is incredibly hurtful- I’m really sorry you are experiencing it.

I don’t know whether you’re someone who would find a book helpful but I’d really recommend My Mother Myself by Nancy Friday- it’s very good on why children aren’t to blame for their mothers’ failures.

Madre123 · 24/03/2022 23:44

My mum sadly died a few years ago and my so called father told me to get out of his home last year and we have not spoken since...I lost both parents at the same time really I suppose....heartbreaking and utterly unforgivable......just come home to the family that love you and carry on with your life as it's far too short...

Original poster
WildRiceOnToast · 24/03/2022 23:50

Thank you all for being so kind. Been feeling so isolated and alone, this really means so much.

When I think back over the years, yes I think she has pretty much always been like this. Always wanting to keep me at arms length, can never think of a time she has ever worried about me. Quite the opposite. One incident has always stuck in my mind. It was the evening of the Kings Cross fire back in the 80s. I had recently started working in London, sharing a flat with a friend. When the news broke, my friend's mum was straight on the phone frantically asking if she was ok. This despite the fact my friend's route home was nowhere near Kings Cross. Heard nothing from my Mum despite my route home being right through there. In the end I rang her myself to tell her I was safe. She just seemed confused as to why I thought she needed to know that. Felt so deflated but at the same time foolish for thinking I would merit the concern.

I don't know if I want to stay in contact to be honest but she doesn't have any other family so I feel I need to at least check she is OK. I keep planning these visits and thinking this will be the time when we finally bond but it never happens and I am left with a feeling like lead in my stomach again.

OP posts:
CaperCaper · 24/03/2022 23:54

I have had similar with my father and I've got to a place where I've reduced the effort I make very significantly. You are right to head home early, you might choose to visit less in future. It's okay for you to drop the rope and focus your energies on those you love who will love you back.

It's a really hard realisation to live with when you finally confront it - that your parent can't be a proper parent to you, I'm so sorry OP, it sucks. I found it to be like a bereavement and you grieve what you can't have and also second guess yourself. Stay strong x

Original poster
WildRiceOnToast · 24/03/2022 23:59

I do have siblings but she doesn't see them any more as both behaved very nastily towards her and my Dad. I've seen their bullying behaviour for myself and borne the brunt of it so I do know it's not just her take on it.

The funny thing is, though, that she spent years running around trying to appease them, bending over backwards to try to make them happy though nothing worked. Meantime I just quietly tried to do the right thing and was just ignored. I've often thought I should have been nasty and aggressive and maybe she would have paid me some attention!

OP posts:
Original poster
WildRiceOnToast · 25/03/2022 00:02

My Dad was lovely and always showed loads of affection towards both me and my DC. However, he suffered from dementia for several years before he died so I lost him a long time ago.

I really miss him Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
WildRiceOnToast · 25/03/2022 00:04

I'm so sorry for all of you who have experienced similar, I wish I could reach out and hug you all, this hurts so much

OP posts:
Original poster
WildRiceOnToast · 25/03/2022 00:06

Thanks @DaffTheDoggo I will look for that book

OP posts:
greenlynx · 25/03/2022 00:10

I think you need to leave and not to check on her anymore. Tell her the truth why you are leaving early but only if she asks.
I wonder how her own relationship with parents looked like.

patchysmum · 25/03/2022 00:19

I think you should talk to her. Say something like you have not been talking to me much this visit have I done something wrong ? or would you rather I did not visit anymore? Did she ask why you are leaving early? There may be reasons why she does not visit you but it seems like very strange behavior if you are her only child

patchysmum · 25/03/2022 00:21

sorry missed the post where you have siblings

Ablemaybel · 25/03/2022 00:22

I'm so sorry, it sounds awful.
I've had the same from my mother, although she ended our relationship with a toxic letter that I've since learned I wasn't meant to receive until after she passed!
I think in your position it may be best to drop contact, it'll take time but you will get through this.

@DaffTheDoggo, I'm gonna take a look at the book. It's been three months since I received my mother's letter, and not a day goes by without me wondering why.

Original poster
WildRiceOnToast · 25/03/2022 07:22

@Ablemaybel

I'm so sorry, it sounds awful. I've had the same from my mother, although she ended our relationship with a toxic letter that I've since learned I wasn't meant to receive until after she passed! I think in your position it may be best to drop contact, it'll take time but you will get through this.

@DaffTheDoggo, I'm gonna take a look at the book. It's been three months since I received my mother's letter, and not a day goes by without me wondering why.

I'm so sorry about that, how horrible to go out of your way to deliberately distress your own child. That takes a special kind of evil.

To be fair, my mum hasn't ever done anything as deliberately nasty to me. She just doesn't seem to give me any thought at all. She gets irritated by my prescence after at most a couple of days when I come to stay and can't be bothered communicating with me. It's as if we are just people staying at the same bed and breakfast but otherwise complete strangers. When I think about it, it is always me that suggests I come visit. She always agrees but could probably take it or leave it. When I am here I feel completely invisible. She just reads and watches TV and never says a word.

I feel like I am lost at sea at the moment. Keep feeling overwhelmed by the feeling that I am an insignificant speck and when I die no one will notice. But then I remember my kids love me and show me all the time. They are the only thing keeping me here.

I've changed my flight to tomorrow. Not sure exactly what I will tell her but it she will probably be relieved. Her place is pretty isolated with no public transport or taxis so I need her to drive me to the airport. I worry that if I have it out with her she will leave me stranded so I feel I have to hold back.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 25/03/2022 10:08

Oh OP,

That is very hard.

I think you need to focus on accepting that she isn't a great person and that you can't change her.

You need to protect yourself from her disinterest.

Visiting and maintaining contact when it is clearly not in your best interests emotionally is not good.

Would you consider some counselling when you get home?

I certainly wouldn't be spending money on a visit that could be spent on helping you move forward in your life.

Flowers
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 25/03/2022 10:14

I remember applying for a copy of my bc as an adult. I had never seen it before. I was quite disappointed my dm was actually my dm.
She kept me at arms length. Reconnected after 10 years of nc( when she flounced out of my house..) my dc were thrilled to have a dgm at last. After about a year I asked her if she would consider moving to our area - she lived a train away.
Why would she do that as apparently there was nothing here for her....?
Why was I really that surprised..
Been 10 years again. Won't be another chance.
I have made peace and know it really is her and not me.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 25/03/2022 10:17

Make the decision to take a huge guilt-free step back. It will be liberating. She is not your responsibility.
Concentrate on your own children & stop spending time, money & effort which is not appreciated.

I speak from experience. I am sorry but she will never be the mother you want.

Flowers
IncompleteSenten · 25/03/2022 10:19
Flowers Some people should just never be parents.

You have your children. Focus on them. I would just stop contacting her. Nothing will make her love you. It's not your fault.

Lottapianos · 25/03/2022 10:21

That's so tough OP. It hurts like hell. My parents might as well be a pair of black holes for all the connection I have with them. Like you, I have tried and tried and tried, but have now simply given up out of self preservation.

Well done for changing your flight, I'm sure it's a relief to know that you will be home soon. It's a very sad situation for you.

Rinatinabina · 25/03/2022 10:24

Yeah my mum doesn’t love me difference is she was actively horrible. I’m NC, I think we are both happier now as theres no pretence anymore, well to her family she pretends but it’s because she has an image to maintain. I feel like a burden has lifted. I just don’t care, not in an passive aggressive way she just doesn’t exist for me anymore. It’s been a relief.

I really recommend counselling though, it’s a hard thing, I always believed if I had just been better or tried harder she would love me. It doesn’t matter why she doesn’t and it’s probably got nothing to do with me as a person, but it’s irrelevant now.