Think I have to face the fact my Mum doesn't love me

[WildRiceOnToast]

Sorry, this all sounds really pathetic and self pitying but it's completely eating me up.

DM lives abroad on her own. DF died 5 years ago. I travel to see her whenever I can, in normal times a couple of times a year staying about a week. She hasn't been to visit me for more than six years. I've invited her to come anytime but she doesn't want to. She hasn't seen by DC since then, they don't want to come over as the last time she visited us she completely blanked them the whole time and they were very hurt. She never rings me, it is always me making contact with her. I've never tested it, but I suspect if I waited for her to call I would simply never hear from her again. She hasn't acknowledged mine or DC's birthdays or Christmas with even a card or a call for about 10 years now.

So here I am four days into a week long visit to her and she's barely spoken to me the whole time. Doesn't want to go out anywhere with me. Just ignores me. The realisation has finally struck that she just doesn't want to know and I'm thinking what am I doing here? She's probably wishing i would take the hint and leave her alone. So I have brought my return flight forward and I am leaving early. Not sure where to go from here. I guess I should ring now and then to check on her, but then again maybe I should just drop contact, it seems to be what she wants.

I feel broken. Who does this to their own daughter? I would be horrified if I had made one of my DC feel like this.

Also you aren’t alone, you really aren’t, it feels often that you are surrounded by people who’s parents love them, hell my mum even managed to maintain the outward appearance of that but it’s more common than you think.

perhaps the abuse she suffered from your siblings has made her shut down on her children emotionally. It may just be that you are caught in the crossfire though it is v v hard for you and so sad.
But hold onto the fact that it is not you at fault and there us nothing wrong with you. It is her.

Another big vote for therapy. Dealing with this kind of rejection is dark, sad, scary stuff, and I found having professional support invaluable

I hear you, I’m going through a similar thing, it’s hard and lonely as most people (luckily) don’t understand. I just want mental peace with it and it sounds like you do too.

I feel for you as this is how I feel
Eventually I cut contact
Not seen or heard for 20 years and no plans ever to
I've not lost anything ..in fact I think I've gained !!!!
Stop the calls etc
Be kind to yourself
Some people are just not parental material
It's not you it's her and it's not your job to figure it out
Get some counselling ..it helped me
X

You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

She's always been like this and such types do not ever change, nor do they accept any responsibility for their actions. Do you think she enabled, stood by and perhaps even encouraged her other children to bully you?. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; what roles did and do you have?.

Another vote for therapy here. These people though are like shoes so you need to find someone who fits in with your approach.

Therapy will help, unlocking your inner child and parent will help you heal. I'm not sure if there is ever any point talking to a parent who doesn't care about the fact that they don't care. They won't admit it and they can't change it. With my parents I just got to the point that I wasn't going to fight it. I will happily accept the love that is there for me but I will never try to manipulate it out of someone. If I have to tell you that I know you don't love me what's the point in that conversation? And yes it's not something you have caused, it's not something you have any control over.

@Madre123

My mum sadly died a few years ago and my so called father told me to get out of his home last year and we have not spoken since...I lost both parents at the same time really I suppose....heartbreaking and utterly unforgivable......just come home to the family that love you and carry on with your life as it's far too short...

Why do fathers behave this way to daughters. My mum died when I was in my early 30s. My dad refused to acknowledge anyones else’s grief other than his feelings and within a few months was writing her out of his life. He then also told me not to speak to him ever again after a slight disagreement. He cannot handle any sort of emotional conversations, was passsive aggressive , and had openly said to me for years he wanted to divorce my mother I lost both parents in course of 2 years. In some way my father going NC has been way more difficult because of the rejection, I had a dream just a few days ago that my mum was still alive and had been deliberately hiding from me as she didn’t want to talk to me either - it’s a bit recurring every so often when I’m feeling particularly vulnerable. I woke up with tears on my face. Had to give myself a stern talking to about how this was not my mothers rejection but my fathers. Doesn’t matter that I’m now in my late 50s- rejection is one of the most horrific emotions, when it comes form someone you love and trusted.

I can relate to so much of this. My child even said recently "Why doesn't Grandma like you Mummy?" Funnily enough she's brilliant with my child and so, so loving. In a way that she never ever was with me

While my dm wouldn't do anything to intentionally hurt me, the way she behaves led me to realise years ago she just wasn't interested in me or her grandchildren.

In the end I'd had enough of inviting her over to be undermined & upset by her comments, I decided to wait until I was invited to hers.

Well that was 16 years ago now! I see her occasionally with dsis who is sadly still desperate for that loving relationship & it hurts to see her slowly realising she won't ever have it.

I'm so sorry to hear your story op and everyone else with awful dps.

Do you have good friends? Mine are like family. I do have a lovely family too but friends are the ones chosen.

@MotherofAutism

I can relate to so much of this. My child even said recently "Why doesn't Grandma like you Mummy?" Funnily enough she's brilliant with my child and so, so loving. In a way that she never ever was with me

You need to have a word with her if you haven't already. That's shocking.

In answer to your question, emotionally unavailable mothers do this to their daughters. It might be better to reframe your title as your mother is unable to love you, or anyone else. This is probably due to her childhood traumas, attachment issues, mental health, narcissism, who knows. She is oblivious to the damage she has done and is doing to her own family.

But it doesn't mean that you are unlovable. It's not you, it's her It's not normal for a mother so be so disengaged with her children and from what you say she is unlikely to change or to seek help. You got unlucky with this parent. You got lucky that you had one engaged parent though which is probably how you have ended up a caring and empathetic parent yourself. You've noticed how hurt your children are with their emotionally unavailable grandparent. That's a good thing. It will make your decisions easier.

I think there are two stages here, and I speak from experience, you need to grieve the fantasy you have about having a close and mutual relationship with this woman. It didn't exist and is not going to happen. As other pps have suggested therapy is a good way to deal with this. Get it all out.

Also you will probably start to notice how dysfunctional your family of origin is and possibly have some other dysfunctional relationships going on around you. You may be tolerating behaviours because they seem normal to you.

The second issue is how to handle this relationship. You have intimated going no contact. From my experience that's probably the only way as you can't keep chasing someone who is oblivious to your existence. You are effectively trying to drink water from a bone dry well. It's not great for your self esteem or mental health. But it's up to you, and as someone reading your post, there doesn't seem to be any benefit to you continuing to hover around her.

As for feelings of guilt about being her only family, you didn't cause that, she did and she's not invested in any other relationships to sustain her in old age. It's not your job to compensate for that.
Please don't set yourself up to be her carer, it may destroy you and she doesn't deserve you.

You will get through this, it's a long process but detaching is the only way. Save your love for those that are able to love you back.

You poor thing.

Some people are not capable of being parents. They should never have had children and when that child grows they are unsure/unwilling of how to harbour a relationship.

To paraphrase the old chestnut - ‘it’s not you, it’s her.’ Invest time in your own lovely family and shape your relationship with your children into everything your mother never gave you.

I would also recommend counselling. It help to talk to someone out of the equation.

I'm 15yrs on from this. Not quite the same as my mother would be quite open about hating me and wishing I'd never been born. Stepping back brought the grief but also the relief. No more slap downs. No more upsets. Just the one wound that started to fade over the years.

Just remember it's her, not you. Another mother and father would have loved you to the rafters and back, like you do your children. It's not you. You've done your best and it's ok not to do more xx

If it would jeopardise your lift to the airport, say nothing now. When you get back home, perhaps consider writing/emailing, perhaps even texting to explain why you'll be rarely in contact from now on. If she ignore the communication, you at least have an answer of sorts.

Sorry you are going through this. My parents aren't interested in me or my family. They live 10 minutes away and I have seen my Mum once this year because I went to her and my Dad hasn't so much as text me this year. They have seen my DD once since Christmas and haven't been in contact any other way apart from that. It used to bother me a lot more than it does now but on the run up to Mother's day when you see lots of "I love my Mum" type things it's harder.

Accepting your mother doesn’t love you is very liberating thing:

• you stop wondering how to make her happy
• you stop trying to find ways to please her
• the guilt is gone, you learn that it is not you that is the problem
• you stop spending your holidays feeling rejected especially after all the effor, you also stop feeling guilty having holidays you can enjoy thinking that you should have been visiting your mother.

Take the hint and stop the torturing yourself about it, accepting that your mum is never going to act up to what is expected from a mother can actually mend your heart.

@TheBigDilemma, totally agree with this. Once you have processed the feelings the sense of freedom is incredible. I don't hate my mother but now ,when I think about her which is not that often, I think 'meh', I feel completely indifferent and free as a bird!

Also very aware that I am saved from the hell that elder care would be with her. No resentment, no frustration, no effort, no feelings of guilt at all. Happy days!

@Juniper68 I did and she didn't respond, just stared at me. When I brought it up again, I just got a half-arsed "I don't hate you....."

What can I say to my child about it? It's true.

Please do not waste any more of your thoughts on her. I am relieved I am not the only going through this. My Mother behaves in a similar manner. She clearly doesn't love me. Giving you a virtual hug. Please try to move on and not think of her as it will only upset you xxx 💐

[quote MotherofAutism]@Juniper68 I did and she didn't respond, just stared at me. When I brought it up again, I just got a half-arsed "I don't hate you....."

What can I say to my child about it? It's true. [/quote]
How awful I hope you don't have to spend too much time with her?

Have you spoken to.your mum? I think her responses are more about her than you, she may have difficulties in connecting and showing emotion with anyone, it may be how she was bought up, trauma, MH issues etc.
Does she realise how hurtful it is?
Its understandable for you to feel upset and rejected, so I would definitely step back and explain why you are doing so.

Sorry you're going through this OP. I don't know if it could be something similar, but I know my mum was someone who had kids just because it was the done thing, never took to parenthood, very much saw it as a thankless task and one that she was keen to end as soon as we legally weren't her responsibility. The only time she rang me after I left home was when she got annoyed that someone 'made her feel bad' after asking when we last spoke. The easiest thing was to accept it and let the contact drift, she evidently felt she'd done her job and she had no further interest in knowing me. I supported her a bit in her final years and that was it. Tbh it got easier after she died because it's more socially acceptable to say a parent is no longer with us than it is to explain that they're just indifferent.

Your kids are lucky that you clearly feel differently, I'm sorry you've not had that relationship with a mum for yourself but it sounds like your children will have something far better.

I'm having a wobble now. She spoke to me for a bit. Just a bit of chit chat. Making me question myself, am I just being too sensitive? Told her I've changed the flight, pretended something has come up at home.

But then I know when I get home she won't ring me, won't acknowledge birthdays etc. She will still want nothing to do with my DC. She has really hurt them.

I hate this.