Think I have to face the fact my Mum doesn't love me

[WildRiceOnToast]

Sorry, this all sounds really pathetic and self pitying but it's completely eating me up.

DM lives abroad on her own. DF died 5 years ago. I travel to see her whenever I can, in normal times a couple of times a year staying about a week. She hasn't been to visit me for more than six years. I've invited her to come anytime but she doesn't want to. She hasn't seen by DC since then, they don't want to come over as the last time she visited us she completely blanked them the whole time and they were very hurt. She never rings me, it is always me making contact with her. I've never tested it, but I suspect if I waited for her to call I would simply never hear from her again. She hasn't acknowledged mine or DC's birthdays or Christmas with even a card or a call for about 10 years now.

So here I am four days into a week long visit to her and she's barely spoken to me the whole time. Doesn't want to go out anywhere with me. Just ignores me. The realisation has finally struck that she just doesn't want to know and I'm thinking what am I doing here? She's probably wishing i would take the hint and leave her alone. So I have brought my return flight forward and I am leaving early. Not sure where to go from here. I guess I should ring now and then to check on her, but then again maybe I should just drop contact, it seems to be what she wants.

I feel broken. Who does this to their own daughter? I would be horrified if I had made one of my DC feel like this.

I (and my two sisters) were well aware our mother didn't love or even like us from an early age. It's sad, and shouldn't happen, but it does sometimes, and you need to put yourself first and get on with your life. I now feel nothing for my mother but pity.

She sounds so cold. What was her relationship like with her parents ? Does she have any friends? It sounds like she doesn’t have the capacity to feel. It’s really odd

OP,

The fact that she has hurt your children would be enough for me.

Oh OP. I really feel for you.

Have you ever tried to tell her how she makes you feel? What was her relationship with your dad like? Was she able to show him love? What was her upbringing like?

OP,

The fact that she’s given you a few crumbs of attention this evening has been enough for you to ‘have a wobble’ is very telling and incredibly sad.

Go home to your family.

I’m sorry.

It is the change from hot to cold that is so confusing and makes you doubt yourself. Go home.early if you need to and then get therapy. It will probably be hard, will take a while potentially and it won't be pretty but save the money on travel to your mum to unpick your childhood legacy from her.

No, you are definitely not being too sensitive. Those 'crumbs' of attention are almost worse than being completely ignored, because you see them as a glimpse of how things could be. Remember your past experiences though, and remind yourself that she will go back to ignoring you as soon as you leave. Get yourself back home where you are safe x

Thanks everyone for the lovely supportive comments.

Flight back is today. I'm just going to get myself home and then decide what to do. Certainly will never stay with her again.

I'm considering composing an email when I get home to set everything down. At the moment though I just want to crawl into a hole

Have a huge hug. I hope that all goes smoothly for you today. The relief when you get back home will be immense

I think that getting your feelings down in a letter or email is a very good idea. You may even decide not to send it. If you do send it, you need to be prepared for her to not ever respond to you. Make sure you're very clear about your expectations, and how realistic they are, before you send it (if you do)

Yes writing it all out is good and you don't need to send it. I wrote many letters to my parents that I never sent it because I knew it would, at best, be like shouting into a void. At worst they would angrily deny. I needed to write the letters for myself though and the process of getting it all down bought the much needed clarity after 5 decades of confusion.

Another process that has helped me is finding the voice of my inner child and inner parent. I can now parent myself in the way I need. The validation and love I needed from my biological parents I give myself daily, I've even got a random picture of an old couple I imagine as my loving, supportive parents and I have a space in my mind where I can go and sit with them and be soothed and supported.

You will come through the other side of this so much better and securely attached to yourself.

I have accepted that my mother doesn’t love me. She thinks what she feels and how she behaves is love because of the abusive household she was raised in, one that she thinks is completely normal.
I keep her at arms length and control our interactions so I have some form of control over her narcissistic behaviour.
My Dad was an angel on Earth and always tried to make up for her shortcomings - like you, I really miss him.

I have healed myself from parenting my DD, every decision, every cuddle etc I try to not be like her and it’s healing to know the cycle of abuse (because that’s what your Mum is, emotionally abusive) stops here.

Go home to your children, love them in a way she doesn’t love you and keep her at arms length OP. She doesn’t get to control your happiness anymore.

I don’t really think there is any point in confronting her OP.

She is who she is and I am guessing is 70+.

I would focus on coming to terms with who she is and trying to get what you need from others.

Your DM may well love you in her own way but is simply incapable of real love, which is just incredibly sad

'I've even got a random picture of an old couple I imagine as my loving, supportive parents and I have a space in my mind where I can go and sit with them and be soothed and supported.'

Speakball, thats heartbreaking. Good for you for finding your way through such dreadful pain and rejection. It's such a terribly sad thing to come to terms with x

It's really tough but you have really tried and made every effort but she is not interested. Maybe time to take a step back and wait for her to make contact with you when she wants to.

Focus on your kids and spend the time with them.

Dear op, another voice echoing others, I was in a very similar situation and I think it is more common than you would think, as people as a whole don't like to talk about or even really acknowledge it. What helped me was a change of mind set, I can only control how I behave and, when pressed, even my mother admitted she couldn't actually come up with anything I had done wrong. I focus on being a mother to my children and being kind and supportive to other people in my life, which largely actually makes me happy. I have also learnt to pull back from people, if I'm kind and they are mean/rude in return, the first time shame on them, the second time shame on me thing.

I don’t mean to sound harsh but you need to emotionally separate from your mother. If she was a woman you knew, who’d once been a friend but had drifted, but you still go to stay with her ?

My mother was similar, only she told me when I was about 5 or 6 I wasn’t the daughter she wanted so I grew up with the knowledge. She criticised everything I did. I left home as soon as I could. She ignored my DDs, her only grandchildren, never remembered birthdays and any presents sent were obviously stuff she had been given and didn’t want. ( who send a 10 year old bars of violet scented soap?)

Contact is easier by email, if you feel you have to maintain some contact. An email every few months like a round robin. Don’t bother with phone calls, you are only opening yourself to more stress.

I’m sorry, I know it’s shit and I’ve no idea why some mothers are like this.

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this with her. I don't know what to suggest, but it sounds like you've tried all you can. I can understand your concern for her though.

I have had a similar-ish relationship with my only sibling. He stopped speaking to me nearly 10 years ago - no reason given, despite it being obviously upsetting for me (and especially my elderly parents). He'd been hostile/ignoring me many times before that. We had to meet up when my dad died, and were polite (and I was as friendly as possible), but on the night of my dad's funeral, he said "we now need to work together like colleagues on a project until mum's dead, then I never want to see or speak to you again." Nice.

I think I've finally come to realise after many, many years that I can't control how he acts. I now can't wait till I never have to deal with him again, so I guess he's going to get his wish.

You can't control how your mum is, but you need to protect yourself. Good luck x

"Speakball, thats heartbreaking. Good for you for finding your way through such dreadful pain and rejection. It's such a terribly sad thing to come to terms with x"

It's a beautiful thing. I wish everyone who had unloving parents could access therapy and find the love that is there for them. Xx

Musings ... parental love is a great thing for those lucky enough to receive it and can help us so much in life. But the way I've come to see it is that "love is love" and its everywhere, including inside you, regardless.

This is not to downgrade the effects of the lack of love we receive from unloving parents. But one can still relate to the love and good things in the world (and in oneself), even if it takes a different route and looks different. In some way turning up in the hope of receiving love from a parent who can't do it for whatever reason is a bit like turning up to a petrol station knowing they've run out of petrol.

Although you feel down OP, ultimately you will feel freed by some of the obligation that sent you on these pointless journeys. And the gift is that you will be able to live your life more fully without any pretence. Of course, as Atilla said, there may be some grieving at times, but parents don't 'own' us and if we have tried to fulfil our filial duty to no effect, either to be greeted with ignoring, abuse or manipulation, we can do no more. We are free again, which I think is what some of the posters are alluding to when they say how much more free and more themselves they feel. Your mother is free to live in her silent world without her children or grand-children, since that sounds like her very clear choice. Which leaves you to live your life freely as you choose.

I also echo what others have said about it being probably more common than you think. I remember sitting in a restaurant having lunch with my mother - we probably looked the perfect picture - though I must say I was making all the emotional effort. But we have had a very difficult relationship over the years and I have put up with raging verbal abuse in private, as well as a distinct lack of interest in me or support of me as a person - she just wasn't able. And its not my job anymore to support her pretence that she was.

Thanks so much everyone for your insights. These are really resonating. About to board plane home now but will catch up when I get home.

Hope you've arrived home safely OP.

I'm not so sure if writing an email/letter outlining your thoughts to your mother is a good idea. I hadn't been in touch with my mother, or she with me for nine months. I'd written a letter at the time, but decided against sending it and included it along with a new letter. That was last November, I had no reply until January. I learned from my brother that she gave her letter to a friend to post after she passed. The friend misunderstood and posted the letter the next day!
Her letter was toxic from beginning to end. She returned my letters crossed out with my name scribbled over, and also returned cut up cards I'd sent her over the years.

I was devastated and it still upsets me when I think of her and the things she wrote. I do wonder had I not sent my letters would she have sent hers, maybe not.
You know your mother and if you think you'll get that sort of thing back from her, maybe write for yourself but don't send.

It's rubbish how some mothers can be like this OP, I wish you well, good luck. X

Have you considered that your mother is incapable of relating? If this has been going on for years. She sounds extremely avoidant of relationships. Especially if she now chooses to live along with very little social contact. Because she can't handle relationships.
Some people are like this. When their children are small they can relate to them, and to pets. Because you relate 'down' to small children and animals. But she cannot handle relating to other adults, even her kids. So she's retreated into a world of her own.

I really feel for you. It is so hard - unfortunately I can empathise as my mother has 0 interest in me or my children. I did try and talk to her at one point a few years ago but she just couldn’t/wouldn’t hear what I was saying. Since then I’ve distanced myself a lot. Once or twice a year she contacts me by email to tell me about what she is doing- never asks how I am or anything about my children. I feel so sad that they are growing up without a gran but seeing a counsellor has helped me come to terms with the fact that that’s just how she is in the world and I cannot change her. Some people do not have it in them- for whatever reason- to take interest in and love other people. Sounds like your Mum is one of them. Go super low contact and focus on enjoying your own children. 💐

Just reading the title of this thread broke my heart for you OP.
I agree with many of the other posters. Some people are just not meant to be parents. Concentrate on your own life and your wonderful children and just don’t contact your mother again. She’s hurting your children and she’s hurting you. She is bringing nothing to your life so you can live without it!
All the best, OP.

Oh my lovely, I'm so sorry to read this. Sometimes, mothers have children but have no maternal feelings.

You've tried & done your absolute best to maintain a relationship but let's be honest, without any investment by your mother, anyone would get fed up & give up.

You clearly need some time once home, to consider how you feel & what you want to do. Take your time, give most thought to your needs & wants going forward, not your mothers.