How can i get my childs grandma posting photos of her on social media? **Content warning added by MNHQ: thread contains an account of abuse**

[CardiffGymMonkeyMum]

AIBU?

It's been almost 5 years since my childs father has seen his child. So same goes for his parents.

Without going into too much detail. I stopped contact with her father because of the abuse i suffered while i was with him. After councilling from mental health services and other specialists once we were no longer together (He cheated "because i didn't satisfy him anymore). He went on to have another child, a boy. Who's mother also doesn't allow contact with the grandparents. After councilling i realised how dark of a situation the whole realtionship was, Including gaslighting and non-consentual sex (e.g waking up with him on top of me or plying me with alcohol or waiting till i was drunk to have sex with me which would end up with me bleeding or bruised (anal) with him swearing i would ask him to do it, I always said no sober). I recently found out he has been accused twice of similar by other women, one as recently as last year and once about the time we were together. Both women were drunk. He never drinks. One he offered to take home from town and one is a known alcoholic, Police informed me due to social services wanting to put some saftey procedures in place because of the records from my councilling.

Even so. I had already stopped him seeing our daughter around 2018 after my councilling.

I stopped her from seeing her grandad and grandma because i could'nt guarantee that they would keep her away from her dad. I've had all the "using the child as a weapon" "playing god" abuse thrown ar me. But i can't willingly allow her to be around any of them. If i do check their fb they post about grandparents rights or dads rights. aswell. They also continue to post photos and statues about H, the photos are all from ages 1-3. I have asked them not to. and was met with horrible comments about my Gay friends and my black friend being allowed around H. but not thier son. These comments were reported to the police but didnt reach the threshold of hate speech even though slurs were used. I have also reported every time they have posted photos but police say to report it to fb. fb are useless. I also showed them a screenshot from an email from SWP about pressing charges for the non consentual sex which also mentioned the two other accusations. They rand the police and i did get a caution for sharing the email. but they confirm with her the email was in fact from them... But again me and two other women are liars (one didnt press charges because she has lost children to social services, because of her drinking, hence why they wanted me to press charges)

I paid 425 pound for two appointments with a solicitor who says its a civil case. But they have no legal right to post anything which shows my childs face without my permission

I dont even post photos of H.

I feel im being too much somedays. But I can't be wrong if his other childs mother also keeps her son away from them?

Sorry its long winded. Its eating me up and my only option seems to be allow it to countinue or pay thousands to take them to court just so a judge can put the ban in place. Or i press charges for the abuse suffered which means my daughter and family find out at some point.

@Hospedia

Block them on all devices, on all social media accounts, and delete/block their phone numbers. Don't go seeking them out, don't check their pages, don't respond to their messages, don't take their calls, don't offer then photos or updates. Make it 100% no contact, if they want to get in touch with you they can do it via solicitor (which I'll bet they won't).

Look at applying for a non-molestation order which will ban him from contacting you and his representatives/family from contacting you on his behalf. It's free to apply, the process is fairly straight forward, and there are organisations who can help you through it. If he breaks the order, he gets arrested.

Thank you. the only reply who gave advice with no judgement. i'll be asking SWP about that. Maybe its enough to make them pause for thought before posting. Xxx They dont contact me though. So again police may not be able to enforce it.

3.to 5 years is a huge difference in her maturity and capacity, from being 13 years old. You don't want her to read what they've written in the past, but you'd let them have access to her later, they won't have changed, there won't be a magical transformation where they become reasonable people who communicate well, safely and with care or her or you. You'd let her decide, leave her to it with them, but keep an eye on it, that's so unsafe for her. Families of abusers are not the people to keep your daughter safe, they will never be on your side, that will always believe him. They wouldn't protect her from him either. Its not fair to put that burden on her, They don't deserve a relationship with her and she doesn't need one. Why would you expose her to any of this?

@CardiffGymMonkeyMum “ my parents respect this. Why can't they? When asked last year if they wanted a recent school photo aslong as it doesnt go on SM because of the school policy of having children in uniform on SM in general. i was met with why? so you can look like a good mum making an effort? they refused. I can't win.”

Because they don’t have any respect. For you or your child. They can only see this from their point of view.
Also, offering them a recent photo, although kind of you maybe isn’t the best idea. If they’ve not seen your child for several years do you really want them to be able to identify her?

There is no need for you to live with this stress and anxiety —— cut them out if your lives, don’t check their SM. If they repeatedly post the same photo with the same old bleats —- “ poor us, poor son, how badly done to are we” it’ll wear thin, people will get fed up seeing the same old cries.
I really think you’ll feel a lot better when you don’t check up on them all the time.

your 'written proof' is not a conviction

he can take YOU down if you start banning that around....in fact the only one here in all of this sorry drama who has been in trouble with the police is you op!

@CannaBelieve

your 'written proof' is not a conviction

he can take YOU down if you start banning that around....in fact the only one here in all of this sorry drama who has been in trouble with the police is you op!

what is your problem??

i said i could. not that i will. you got issues.

@CannaBelieve

your 'written proof' is not a conviction

he can take YOU down if you start banning that around....in fact the only one here in all of this sorry drama who has been in trouble with the police is you op!

i have realised every reply from you has been a dig or twist of one line in any of my paragraphs. how boring.

@OakRowan

3.to 5 years is a huge difference in her maturity and capacity, from being 13 years old. You don't want her to read what they've written in the past, but you'd let them have access to her later, they won't have changed, there won't be a magical transformation where they become reasonable people who communicate well, safely and with care or her or you. You'd let her decide, leave her to it with them, but keep an eye on it, that's so unsafe for her. Families of abusers are not the people to keep your daughter safe, they will never be on your side, that will always believe him. They wouldn't protect her from him either. Its not fair to put that burden on her, They don't deserve a relationship with her and she doesn't need one. Why would you expose her to any of this?

i don't. but its her choice once shes allowed on SM. i cant be her warden 24/7. I dunno what world you live in. but i'll be prepared for any outcome. I'd rather he learn herself and be there for her than her ever feel she would need to go behind my back. at 13, 16, 18 or 35. they wont change. thats why she would need to figure out that herself.

People have given you advice. But that advice doesn’t play into the drama you seem to be seeking.

This. You sound immature OP. Just forget about the lot of them, that is the only solution to this. Which you've been told time and time again, but you have an answer for everyone who doesn't fall in with your narrative. Don't ask for advice if you don't want to be told anything which conflicts with your silly games.

Hi OP I had this before with partners sister. And it drove to to despair wasn't as serious of circumstances as your background. But a family fallout putting them my 1year old in danger therefore contact was ceased. Which lead to pictures of my child being posted without consent when I don't have any social media of my own with sob stories/inaccurate nonsense posted and slurs etc. it's definitely an attention thing from their part and honestly drove me insane for around a year and I tried all routes so I actually fully understand. The only issue is you honestly won't get it to stop and I found the more I reacted the more she would post. I got all my friends/family to block her and she could still be posting but I'm now unaware. But I agree it's wrong and shouldn't be done without parental consent x

@SquirrelG

People have given you advice. But that advice doesn’t play into the drama you seem to be seeking.

This. You sound immature OP. Just forget about the lot of them, that is the only solution to this. Which you've been told time and time again, but you have an answer for everyone who doesn't fall in with your narrative. Don't ask for advice if you don't want to be told anything which conflicts with your silly games.

quite!!

@SquirrelG

People have given you advice. But that advice doesn’t play into the drama you seem to be seeking.

This. You sound immature OP. Just forget about the lot of them, that is the only solution to this. Which you've been told time and time again, but you have an answer for everyone who doesn't fall in with your narrative. Don't ask for advice if you don't want to be told anything which conflicts with your silly games.

quote me one reply that i've dismissed that has actual advice and is not an opinion on my friends.

i am aware i should ignore it. i do not look them up on SM. so thats void. i have not or have not said i plan on contacting them. so again not advice i was seeking. i have had one actual reply that gave me an option. this was good advice with no judgement or opinions based on having to fill in blanks or assume my close friends are acting in bad faith. I have defend my friends who have been unfairly slated for trying to look out for myself and H.

it's immature from my view to assume gossip or that everyone is a snake in the grass. Obviously some posters are injecting thier own experiences and distrust onto the most solid, consistent part of mine and my childs life.

because i refused to allow anyone to go off on tangents aand assume parts of my post were the issue and just try to get solid advice, i'm immature?

If i do check their fb they post about grandparents rights or dads rights.

i do not look them up on SM. so thats void

🤔

@mummytoboyandgirl18

Hi OP I had this before with partners sister. And it drove to to despair wasn't as serious of circumstances as your background. But a family fallout putting them my 1year old in danger therefore contact was ceased. Which lead to pictures of my child being posted without consent when I don't have any social media of my own with sob stories/inaccurate nonsense posted and slurs etc. it's definitely an attention thing from their part and honestly drove me insane for around a year and I tried all routes so I actually fully understand. The only issue is you honestly won't get it to stop and I found the more I reacted the more she would post. I got all my friends/family to block her and she could still be posting but I'm now unaware. But I agree it's wrong and shouldn't be done without parental consent x

thank you. i will be speaking with police about an option given above. x

@WeDontShutUpAboutBruno

If i do check their fb they post about grandparents rights or dads rights.

i do not look them up on SM. so thats void

🤔

oooh you caught me. i check when im informed about something they post. otherwise i pay no mind to them

this post is about trying to find a way they stop posting so i don't hhear about it.

when you cant argue a point, or give actual advice. go for semantics cause that never ever ever makes you look petty 👍 pick at my spelling to im dyslexic but it will make you look so clever

oooh you caught me. i check when im informed about something they post. otherwise i pay no mind to them

this post is about trying to find a way they stop posting so i don't hhear about it.

when you cant argue a point, or give actual advice. go for semantics cause that never ever ever makes you look pettypick at my spelling to im dyslexic but it will make you look so clever

You pay no mind if you don't hear about it, so the best thing for you is to do as the majority of posters are suggesting and get your 'friends' to block these people so they can't wind you up anymore. You wouldn't be hearing about it at all if you had friends who have your best interests at heart.

I pointed out a contradiction in what you said, I haven't, and wouldn't, pick you up on spelling

It goes to show, yet again, that you simply enjoy the drama, and surround yourself with people who enable you.

I feel sorry for your daughter being in the middle of all this. Poor kid.

however if you aint here to try stir drama. why not actually give your opinion on a family member who has no acess to your child posting photos of your child after being asked not too?

Nobody is saying you're wrong to feel upset about it, especially after what he put you through.

Nobody is saying the family members aren't arseholes.

Nobody is saying you're wrong to want them to not do what they're doing.

Nobody is saying they aren't homophobic and racist or that it's acceptable in any way. They're clearly cunts.

People are explaining that they aren't going to stop, so your friends telling you they're still doing it serves no purpose but to upset you further.

Stop calling people shitty friends for saying they would make different decisions to your mates.

You asked for opinions. When you get an opinion that almost unanimously says your friends don't need to be telling you about this, isn't it worth considering whether that opinion is not just valid but perhaps correct?

you havent given any advice on the subject the post is about? How can i stop them posting?

You can't.

People have almost unanimously said that.

It's just not the answer you wanted to hear.

People aren't saying it's fair or nice, they're just saying it's the fact of the matter.

You can't stop them.

You need to take back control of the situation. The reason they post is because they want a reaction and you are giving them a reaction even if they don't see it. You rebuffed this advice earlier from another poster- but it's true. If you don't see it you can't react and that ultimately means that post has no power. It doesn't matter if they post it a 1000 times. You don't see it, you don't react, the post has no power.

I was in a similar position, ex had a public fb posting pics of my child and adding racist slurs next to them, or just plain horrible messages. Asking him to stop gave him power to continue as he knew he was getting a reaction from me. I was fortunate enough to be going through the courts at the time, the judge told him to stop. He turned his profile private and is still probably posting her pic- but I can't see it the public can't see it so I see that as a win. He also has no contact, his photos are historic, she no longer looks like that. So I put it one side and move on.

As for your friends I'm sure they have your best interest at heart, but every time they show you the messages they are putting the grandparents in a position of power because you react negatively, they win. It's not a 'heartless coward' who doesn't show you those pics but someone who is trying to take the power, drama and sting out of the situation.

Finally in an earlier thread you claimed he had no parental responsibility as he doesn't see her. That is categorically untrue. If you don't actually get his parental responsibility removed by court he still has it. For example I can't change my daughters surname, go abroad without his approval or a court judgement. Even though they deemed he should only have indirect access. This is very hard to remove.

Take control back of the situation, you know it's wrong, you knows it's purposely done to cause a reaction and you are giving it- don't. Silence is the absolute best and most effective weapon you have. And when you don't rise to the bait they will eventually give up.

Finally though they are going about it the completely the wrong way, the grandparents want a relationship with their grand child. I can see why you haven't helped this- but their motivation comes from desperation to see their grand child.

If you want quick advice, read about “grey rock” responses to the behaviour of these grandparents. You are certainly making their behaviour worse by responding to it in ANY way.

Offering them a recent photo, and stipulating that they can’t post it, will only have drawn attention to how few photos they have, and will have pissed them off into posting what they do have.

Longer term advice, I know you don’t want to hear it but you need to do some work on yourself and your boundaries/relationships. You defend and defend your “friends” who are stirring the pot, because you think they’re just looking out for you.

But all the things you describe, it’s an unhealthy dynamic to be so reliant on other people. Being forced to climb mountains (?! ) is bizarre. There are very strange power dynamics/boundaries in your personal relationships, and you’ve clearly had issues in the past choosing appropriate romantic relationships and who to have children with etc.

I think focusing on the concept of appropriate relationships and boundaries rather than specific social media posts will be the most beneficial thing to you. It will also allow you to pass on sensible advice to your DD as she gets older and needs to navigate her dad’s/grandparents behaviour

The difference between you saying the same as others i rebuffed is you have been through similar and you actually responded to my post without adding a spin. My daughter went to canada and i didnt get his permission and it wasnt an issue. only needed my permission on her travel details because she wasnt going with family.

lol they don't actually force me. I love it. But when im struggling with depression my motivation to do it is non exsistent. I gym 4 times a week when i can. but even 1 day benifits my mood. my friends know this. Sometimes i just need a kick up the arse.

I mean a lot of friends drag there mates or would rather get smashed on drink or drugs to unwind. I'm Lucky, one of my friends is a national level gymnast and has been top 20 in europe for tai kon do. My daughter is well into her gymnastics and loves being active. She is in english speaking school but can converse in welsh because i had two friends living with me who spoke it and taught her.

As for my realationships. Youre right. I was in a toxic realtionship. i was naive, young and was into deep and it destroyed me. But H is the reason i'm now in a good place. And my friends are a big part of her being such a happy, healthy kid.

Trust me if there is one thing i do not allow is anyone actually forcing me to do anything i do not want to do.

@WeDontShutUpAboutBruno

oooh you caught me. i check when im informed about something they post. otherwise i pay no mind to them

this post is about trying to find a way they stop posting so i don't hhear about it.

when you cant argue a point, or give actual advice. go for semantics cause that never ever ever makes you look pettypick at my spelling to im dyslexic but it will make you look so clever

You pay no mind if you don't hear about it, so the best thing for you is to do as the majority of posters are suggesting and get your 'friends' to block these people so they can't wind you up anymore. You wouldn't be hearing about it at all if you had friends who have your best interests at heart.

I pointed out a contradiction in what you said, I haven't, and wouldn't, pick you up on spelling

It goes to show, yet again, that you simply enjoy the drama, and surround yourself with people who enable you.

I feel sorry for your daughter being in the middle of all this. Poor kid.

my friends are not the issue. end of.

police have been to see me. They have paid her a visit. were she was verbally abusive to the officers.
the officer pointed out that her only public statuses are ones about my daughter or me. so it looks like targetted harassment/slander.
they have asked my friends to report to 101 instead of me and given a crime number. My ex has been questioned and bailed. And his mother visited by police for messaging his acusser(same officer who seen her today was there last week warning her about her online activity). with the posts about my daughter and her full name being posted (safeguarding issue) and a screenshot from two years ago of me asking her not too and the abuse towards my friends last year and last weeks warning they are looking at malisous comunication act to caution her about her activity online.
The police again told me that reporting every incident for the last few years means they now have a clear trail of evidence Which should be enough now to put a warning in place so the next staus would lead to court and a criminal record. Her husband has been investigated in work too for threatening my friends (darkie as they called him) uncle who works for the same company which is also being handed over to police who have the Screens of them bad mouthing my friend. (He nearly lost his job for posting racially motivated abuse towards george floyd)

@Derbee

If you want quick advice, read about “grey rock” responses to the behaviour of these grandparents. You are certainly making their behaviour worse by responding to it in ANY way.

Offering them a recent photo, and stipulating that they can’t post it, will only have drawn attention to how few photos they have, and will have pissed them off into posting what they do have.

Longer term advice, I know you don’t want to hear it but you need to do some work on yourself and your boundaries/relationships. You defend and defend your “friends” who are stirring the pot, because you think they’re just looking out for you.

But all the things you describe, it’s an unhealthy dynamic to be so reliant on other people. Being forced to climb mountains (?! ) is bizarre. There are very strange power dynamics/boundaries in your personal relationships, and you’ve clearly had issues in the past choosing appropriate romantic relationships and who to have children with etc.

I think focusing on the concept of appropriate relationships and boundaries rather than specific social media posts will be the most beneficial thing to you. It will also allow you to pass on sensible advice to your DD as she gets older and needs to navigate her dad’s/grandparents behaviour

I didn't think about that with offering a photo. but the not posting it online was the same advice her school gave every parent due to the uniform having the school name on it.

Gosh, a lot has happened this morning then.

I didn't think the police dealt with slander, I always thought that was a civil matter where you had to prove the slander directly caused you harm. I also didn't think that posting things on your own FB, knowing the other party wouldn't see because they have you blocked, was harassment. Same as posting photos of a child with parental consent. Maybe things have changed since I went through it all though, proving harassment was very difficult and this definitely wouldn't have counted since you could just not look.

I'm glad that you've managed to sort such a lot in such a short space of time after all these years though.

I hope your friends have finally acknowledge their rubbish behaviour since the police have now advised the same thing as you've been told on this thread and they stop winding you up and causing trouble over this, and I hope that you manage to have some healthier relationships with decent people as you move forward

@CardiffGymMonkeyMum

ffs i'd rather have friends who make me aware than just ignore it. if the didnt i would not class them as friends. These are friends who have been with me through all the shit. who have help raise H. babysat while i worked three jobs so i could move house. had her for a month while i was starting couciling after a suicide atempt when H was 3. They know about her dad and how he treats women. They have been the brunt of homophobic and racial abuse for sticking up for me. I have the best group of mates. I don't know how you feel about your mates but if i thought they were stirring the pot i'd tell them. They are respecting my daughters privacy. She is 8! she couldn't join SM and post her own photos. Why should her grandparents be allowed to?

totally agree, some of the comments on this are ridiculous! My friend is going through the same thing, almost identical. She asks me to tell her what's put out there about her kids and it's really weird that people are pretending they wouldn't want to know. If you have not been there you don't know. Also sounds like ALOT of minimising on this thread. How awful OP, sorry you're going through this

OP stop replying to these horrible people who don't seem to give two fucks that you were abused by this guy. I honestly can't get my head around this. Women being like this to women is terrifying, shame on you all