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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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How can i get my childs grandma posting photos of her on social media? **Content warning added by MNHQ: thread contains an account of abuse**

128 replies

CardiffGymMonkeyMum · 24/03/2022 17:02

AIBU?

It's been almost 5 years since my childs father has seen his child. So same goes for his parents.

Without going into too much detail. I stopped contact with her father because of the abuse i suffered while i was with him. After councilling from mental health services and other specialists once we were no longer together (He cheated "because i didn't satisfy him anymore). He went on to have another child, a boy. Who's mother also doesn't allow contact with the grandparents. After councilling i realised how dark of a situation the whole realtionship was, Including gaslighting and non-consentual sex (e.g waking up with him on top of me or plying me with alcohol or waiting till i was drunk to have sex with me which would end up with me bleeding or bruised (anal) with him swearing i would ask him to do it, I always said no sober). I recently found out he has been accused twice of similar by other women, one as recently as last year and once about the time we were together. Both women were drunk. He never drinks. One he offered to take home from town and one is a known alcoholic, Police informed me due to social services wanting to put some saftey procedures in place because of the records from my councilling.

Even so. I had already stopped him seeing our daughter around 2018 after my councilling.

I stopped her from seeing her grandad and grandma because i could'nt guarantee that they would keep her away from her dad. I've had all the "using the child as a weapon" "playing god" abuse thrown ar me. But i can't willingly allow her to be around any of them. If i do check their fb they post about grandparents rights or dads rights. aswell. They also continue to post photos and statues about H, the photos are all from ages 1-3. I have asked them not to. and was met with horrible comments about my Gay friends and my black friend being allowed around H. but not thier son. These comments were reported to the police but didnt reach the threshold of hate speech even though slurs were used. I have also reported every time they have posted photos but police say to report it to fb. fb are useless. I also showed them a screenshot from an email from SWP about pressing charges for the non consentual sex which also mentioned the two other accusations. They rand the police and i did get a caution for sharing the email. but they confirm with her the email was in fact from them... But again me and two other women are liars (one didnt press charges because she has lost children to social services, because of her drinking, hence why they wanted me to press charges)

I paid 425 pound for two appointments with a solicitor who says its a civil case. But they have no legal right to post anything which shows my childs face without my permission

I dont even post photos of H.

I feel im being too much somedays. But I can't be wrong if his other childs mother also keeps her son away from them?

Sorry its long winded. Its eating me up and my only option seems to be allow it to countinue or pay thousands to take them to court just so a judge can put the ban in place. Or i press charges for the abuse suffered which means my daughter and family find out at some point.

OP posts:
CardiffGymMonkeyMum · 24/03/2022 17:53

@Sirzy

And yet they are still friends with the people at the centre of al this? Hmm
friends of friends who interact with the posts.
OP posts:
titchy · 24/03/2022 17:54

@CardiffGymMonkeyMum

can i just ask if any of you as parents would clearly just allow photos of your child, her full name etc and comments slagging you off to just continue? they stay on SM, one day H may see them?
You don't have a choice - they're not doing anything illegal. All you can do is ignore. The more you engage with them the more they are likely to continue.
TooManyPJs · 24/03/2022 17:55

You really need to stop looking at their SM. Just ignore and don't engage. Tell your friends you don't want to know what they post. You stressing and engaging will just encourage them to continue with their behaviour. There's nothing you can do to stop them. Just withdraw and be the better person. Unfortunately you can't control the actions of other people.

Redcrayons · 24/03/2022 17:55

@CardiffGymMonkeyMum

can i just ask if any of you as parents would clearly just allow photos of your child, her full name etc and comments slagging you off to just continue? they stay on SM, one day H may see them?
I don’t like photos of my DCs on SM either but I can’t control what their father does Unfortunately.

You’ve tried the police, FB are next to useless. They won’t ever come round to your way of thinking so you are all out of options. You need to let it go.

Mangogogogo · 24/03/2022 17:55

If they’re such good friends why are they still friends with him and his family?

titchy · 24/03/2022 17:56

Look you have two choices. Ignore, and ask your friends to do the same. Or get yourself all outraged and worked up. Up to you at the end of the day, but I know which one will your ex's family will enjoy, and which one is best for your well-being.

1forAll74 · 24/03/2022 17:57

I would not use social media or put any photo's of children or any family stuff on there at all. For some people, it can cause all sorts of hassle and trouble.

CannaBelieve · 24/03/2022 17:58

she's getting older....very soon she will be able to use social media as well as make her own choice wether to see her grandparents

you are very hung up on old photos, you can't control any of this

and even if you went to court a judge does not have the power to ban them from posting on facebook!!

CannaBelieve · 24/03/2022 17:59

does your daughter ask about her grandparents and dad?

CardiffGymMonkeyMum · 24/03/2022 18:00

@steppemum

OP - everyone is saying ignore and let it go, but you can't can you?

You are really emotionally tied up with them. They are nasty people, disangage yourself. Who cares what they say? Who cares what they think? They are going to post things to wind you up. And it works, you get wound up.

Ask yourself - why do you care what a bunch of horrible people think?
The people who matter know it is rubbish.
The people who matter know they are nasty.

You need to really let them go and live your own life. Block everything. Don't send them anything.
you and dd are better off without them.

they can post what ever words they want. but not under photos of my daughter which they have been asked not to share. with her full name too. its a privacy issue mainly. like ive said above i probably could let it slide, the odd photo. but it seems they post just to slag me off.

i have had no contact at all with them since this time last year. when i offered them a up to date school photo. i dont care that they have photos. i care about how the use them.

OP posts:
CannaBelieve · 24/03/2022 18:01

and legal right to not post anything without your permission??

is that a welsh law?

her dad has parental responsibility?

Sirzy · 24/03/2022 18:08

Every time you let them know your not happy with it your playing right into their hands.

I get why your not happy but you can’t change their behaviour you can only change yours. You don’t need reports on what they are doing it helps nobody.

Changethetoner · 24/03/2022 18:08

Nobody would like to be in your position. Of course nobody wants to be slagged off on social media, or have pics of their child posted without permission.
But.... what people are trying to say to you is, you have to let it go, because it is eating you up. making you cross. and since there isn't anything you can do about it (Police not interested, you asked the family and they refused to stop). so in the face of this - we advise you to leave it now. Stop looking for it. or at it. Try and move on in your life.

CardiffGymMonkeyMum · 24/03/2022 18:08

Not really. She's got two amazing male role models in her life. my dad and my mate. Only time shes ever mentioned her dad was when she remembered him always shouting in my face. like 3 years after she last seen him. lol

OP posts:
FridaynightCry · 24/03/2022 18:09

Screen shot their messages, send to their friends. Share and tag the grandparents.
Tell them publicly if you see any more images of your child shared without your permission that you will pursue a non mol order. Then block and delete. And pursue the order anyway.
And yes, press charges. Don't let your DD grow up in a world where an abuser gets away with such horrific action towards another human being.

Whyemseeaye · 24/03/2022 18:16

Your child’s grandparents are obviously going to just keep on posting, regardless of what you say or how nicely you ask them.

The only way for to it stop interfering in your life is to ask your friends to stop showing you the posts. You know they do it, you know they slag you off. Why do you need to have if confirmed to you time and again?!

This is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick.

And when you child is old enough to join SM the first thing you should do is block all of these people for her so they can’t contact her.

Lorw · 24/03/2022 18:20

Surely your ex could have given them permission to post, assuming he has PR? There’s nothing you can do about that unfortunately. Stop tormenting yourself with this and move on.

NotNotNotMyName · 24/03/2022 18:21

I’d just block them and don’t engage with it. They are trying to wind you up.

By all means pursue the rape, especially as he has done it to others too.

BlueSummerBaby · 24/03/2022 18:21

@CardiffGymMonkeyMum

can i just ask if any of you as parents would clearly just allow photos of your child, her full name etc and comments slagging you off to just continue? they stay on SM, one day H may see them?
Yes because people have freedom of speech. There's always going to be someone somewhere talking nonsense about you because people like to gossip. Your friends aren't you friends because they're not respecting your wishes. You've told them you're not interested in grandparents or exes drama, they keep telling/showing you anyway. So disconnect from them, get these people out of your life because they're not your friends. Don't worry what they think of you. The way to avoid drama is to be ok with people not liking you. Don't worry if they think you're being rude or hold other negative opinions about you. Don't give them any head space at all. Surround yourself with good people who care about you and will respect your wish not to hear any gossip about what grandparents or ex have been upto.
CannaBelieve · 24/03/2022 18:25

@FridaynightCry

Screen shot their messages, send to their friends. Share and tag the grandparents. Tell them publicly if you see any more images of your child shared without your permission that you will pursue a non mol order. Then block and delete. And pursue the order anyway. And yes, press charges. Don't let your DD grow up in a world where an abuser gets away with such horrific action towards another human being.
press charges for what though??
CardiffGymMonkeyMum · 24/03/2022 18:25

Her dad doesnt see her, after he knew i'd spoken to coucillors and was sticking up to him (pointing out about him climbing on top of me while i slept etc) all contact from his side stopped (he would litterally ask about H then hint for sex in the same message, even after we finished ). He doesnt pay child support at all. he was contacted about supervised access but wouldn't do it. So no he has no rights to her. Since i sent that email to his mum about the other accusations He has refused or ignored any contact from CSA. and Its not criminal for them to share. but the solicitor said a judge can stop them as there is no law at all in the uk that gives grandparents any legal right over thier grandchildren without prior agreement from her parent/guardian (ME). in my social services papers it say multiple time that im here sole parent/guardian. but i dont know if thats in legal terms or just because im the only parent who provides for H

OP posts:
MajorCarolDanvers · 24/03/2022 18:26

@CardiffGymMonkeyMum

can i just ask if any of you as parents would clearly just allow photos of your child, her full name etc and comments slagging you off to just continue? they stay on SM, one day H may see them?
It's not a case of 'allowing' it.

There is nothing you can do unless you sue them. That will be costly, time consuming and no guarantees of winning.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 24/03/2022 18:32

You've asked, they keep doing it, you can't force them not too. You can only ask. If you can afford the solicitor and legal fees, then you can try but you may not win. There's no guarantee. I'd just block and ignore.

KimMumsnet · 24/03/2022 18:32

Hi, OP. We're moving your thread to our Relationships topic now.

CardiffGymMonkeyMum · 24/03/2022 18:33

@Whyemseeaye

Your child’s grandparents are obviously going to just keep on posting, regardless of what you say or how nicely you ask them.

The only way for to it stop interfering in your life is to ask your friends to stop showing you the posts. You know they do it, you know they slag you off. Why do you need to have if confirmed to you time and again?!

This is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick.

And when you child is old enough to join SM the first thing you should do is block all of these people for her so they can’t contact her.

stop trying to stick a wedge between me and my mates. none of it makes sense. why should i punish them for looking out for me and H. they dont stir the pot. they show me whats being posted about my daughter and me. Honestly from the comments about my mates from you lot. i'm glad i got them and i'm not friends with any of you. lmfao.
OP posts: