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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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How can i get my childs grandma posting photos of her on social media? **Content warning added by MNHQ: thread contains an account of abuse**

128 replies

CardiffGymMonkeyMum · 24/03/2022 17:02

AIBU?

It's been almost 5 years since my childs father has seen his child. So same goes for his parents.

Without going into too much detail. I stopped contact with her father because of the abuse i suffered while i was with him. After councilling from mental health services and other specialists once we were no longer together (He cheated "because i didn't satisfy him anymore). He went on to have another child, a boy. Who's mother also doesn't allow contact with the grandparents. After councilling i realised how dark of a situation the whole realtionship was, Including gaslighting and non-consentual sex (e.g waking up with him on top of me or plying me with alcohol or waiting till i was drunk to have sex with me which would end up with me bleeding or bruised (anal) with him swearing i would ask him to do it, I always said no sober). I recently found out he has been accused twice of similar by other women, one as recently as last year and once about the time we were together. Both women were drunk. He never drinks. One he offered to take home from town and one is a known alcoholic, Police informed me due to social services wanting to put some saftey procedures in place because of the records from my councilling.

Even so. I had already stopped him seeing our daughter around 2018 after my councilling.

I stopped her from seeing her grandad and grandma because i could'nt guarantee that they would keep her away from her dad. I've had all the "using the child as a weapon" "playing god" abuse thrown ar me. But i can't willingly allow her to be around any of them. If i do check their fb they post about grandparents rights or dads rights. aswell. They also continue to post photos and statues about H, the photos are all from ages 1-3. I have asked them not to. and was met with horrible comments about my Gay friends and my black friend being allowed around H. but not thier son. These comments were reported to the police but didnt reach the threshold of hate speech even though slurs were used. I have also reported every time they have posted photos but police say to report it to fb. fb are useless. I also showed them a screenshot from an email from SWP about pressing charges for the non consentual sex which also mentioned the two other accusations. They rand the police and i did get a caution for sharing the email. but they confirm with her the email was in fact from them... But again me and two other women are liars (one didnt press charges because she has lost children to social services, because of her drinking, hence why they wanted me to press charges)

I paid 425 pound for two appointments with a solicitor who says its a civil case. But they have no legal right to post anything which shows my childs face without my permission

I dont even post photos of H.

I feel im being too much somedays. But I can't be wrong if his other childs mother also keeps her son away from them?

Sorry its long winded. Its eating me up and my only option seems to be allow it to countinue or pay thousands to take them to court just so a judge can put the ban in place. Or i press charges for the abuse suffered which means my daughter and family find out at some point.

OP posts:
WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 24/03/2022 18:34

Get your friends to block them so they don't see either.

You can't stop them posting, and you'll end up getting distressed if you try.

They have a few photos and an untrue sob story.

You have your dc, and a new, more peaceful life.

Even if you were to somehow stop the photos, you can't stop the stories they tell anyway.

I've been in a similar position (exh at one point even attempted to send a diary to my oldest that he had kept over the course of a few months making up utter rubbish about how awful I am and how amazing he is) and I told the kids I'm not going to influence them, they can decide for themselves when they are old enough. Now they are old enough ex has blocked 2 of them for calling out his shitty behaviour, and he still blames me for it somehow, even though he can contact them on their own phones at any time.

Stop contact, stop offering photos at all, definitely photos with stipulations attached and get on with being a great mum.

Sirzy · 24/03/2022 18:36

Yep Mates that feed a friends stress and anxiety are just the type of friends everyone needs

Whyemseeaye · 24/03/2022 18:37

“they dont stir the pot. they show me whats being posted about my daughter and me.”

That is literally the definition of stirring the pot.

I’m not trying to drive a wedge between you and your friends. Why would I? It benefits me in absolutely no way.

What I, and others, are saying is - this is a situation that is upsetting for you. You are happier when it doesn’t happen. It is going to continue to happen because your ex’s parents don’t seem very nice. The less you know about it the happier you will be.

Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

CannaBelieve · 24/03/2022 18:39

does he have parental responsibility ??

your mate is your new partner I assume from the defensiveness

SummerBluez · 24/03/2022 18:42

Why did you offer them an up to date photo of a child you don't allow them to see? Bit weird.

RedWingBoots · 24/03/2022 18:44

If you ex is alive and has parental responsibility then unfortunately they can get or say they have permission from him to post the pictures.

Your best response is to block them completely on everything.

If other people still tell you they are posting stuff, then block the person who is shit stirring on everything.

If someone asks you why you have blocked the shit stirrer ignore their message. If they go on, then block that person as well.

GalaPie · 24/03/2022 18:44

If your daughter is already aware of the abuse you suffered (and you say she remembers it) then if she does ever come across those Fb posts she will understand that they are not a true reflection of the situation.
If there is no legal recourse then you must move on, and you must begin to put your hand up and say firmly Stop if there is any mention of further FB posts from friends. You have to move on, and everyone who thinks anything of you must let you move on.

Nanny0gg · 24/03/2022 18:46

@CardiffGymMonkeyMum

I dont send any the photos are her as a baby/toddler. I did offer then her school photo last year. but was met with abuse and racist and homophobic rants about my friends.
Why would you do that?

You should be totally non-contact! And they'd have posted it!

CardiffGymMonkeyMum · 24/03/2022 18:55

@Redglitter

I feel that my daughter's photos are used to get sympathy. as they always make sure to note how evil and poisonous i am

Sounds like you'd be better off blocking them & letting them get on with it. Even if they are posting negatively about you, people aren't daft. I bet that most folk are aware fully what they're like. As pp said the photos are already out of date. Just ensure they don't get more up to date ones. It's really not worth what you're putting yourself through

YABU however reporting them to the Police for posting photos. As they've said its not a Police matter so please stop wasting Police time because there's nothing they can do

police have actually told me to report to 101 and have spoken to grandma. its a grey area. but SWP have been doing what they can. Two separate officers have told me that there is an obvious disregard for H's well being. its a safe guarding issue and i have every right to report anyone sharing any images of my child after being told not too. It is borderline online harrasment They have even said its against fb standards and have contacted fb on my behalf. the issue is very vauge standards of law that doesnt give clear guidlines for the CPS to charge.
OP posts:
Redglitter · 24/03/2022 18:55

why should i punish them for looking out for me and H. they dont stir the pot. they show me whats being posted about my daughter and me

Theyre not looking out for you. You don't need to see what's being said & it's upsetting you when you do. A real friend would protect you

I saw something posted recently about my best friend. It would have really upset him had he seen it & he would have been overthinking the comment. There was never any good going to come from him seeing it so I did what a real friend would do, I blocked the person who posted it & never mentioned it. I protected him & saved him from upset - because that's what friends do

CardiffGymMonkeyMum · 24/03/2022 19:02

was 1) before police contacted me about the other accusations
2) i dont care if they have photos i only care about them not posting them on SM
3) would be different if i posted her, but i dont, neiter do my parents.
4) I am no contact. They still think in living in my old house, no phone numbers, all blocked on SM.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 24/03/2022 19:04

Every time you or someone else asks them not to do it they will see it as a win for them because it shows they are getting the messages back to you and your reacting.

If they get no reaction they have no reason to carry on

SummerBluez · 24/03/2022 19:06

But I don't understand the point of offering them a photo of your daughter if you have no intention of letting them see her? That's actually quite cruel to be honest.

WeeOrcadian · 24/03/2022 19:08

OP, while. I sympathise,

  1. You can't control what they're posting on SM.
  2. Your kid probably doesn't even look like that anymore.
  3. It's just SM - it's just that - not real life. Calm down.
  4. Claim bloody CMS - it's your legal right.
  5. Don't equate paying maintenence to access or rights - they're different things
CardiffGymMonkeyMum · 24/03/2022 19:13

@Redglitter

why should i punish them for looking out for me and H. they dont stir the pot. they show me whats being posted about my daughter and me

Theyre not looking out for you. You don't need to see what's being said & it's upsetting you when you do. A real friend would protect you

I saw something posted recently about my best friend. It would have really upset him had he seen it & he would have been overthinking the comment. There was never any good going to come from him seeing it so I did what a real friend would do, I blocked the person who posted it & never mentioned it. I protected him & saved him from upset - because that's what friends do

that says bad friend to me, sorry.

i'm glad they show me. Because i do sometimes think H is missing out having an extra set of grandparents. they help remind me why they have no contact and why it's bad.

as for your friend, that comment doesnt disappear because you blocked them. 100's oof other people will see it. What they wont see is a supposed good friend sticking up for their mate. what i see is a heartless coward. Like i said i'm glad my mates are open and forthcoming with me. when you deal with an abusive rrealtionship. people gas lighting and intenional ignorance, complusive pathological liars and dishonest cheats. the truth is worth a little upset.

if your mate ever sees that comment and knows you could of seen it but not told them.. all you've done is sow doubt in their mind about your "friendship". I could never trust one of my mates who sees but says fuck all.

OP posts:
CardiffGymMonkeyMum · 24/03/2022 19:17

@WeeOrcadian

OP, while. I sympathise,
  1. You can't control what they're posting on SM.
  2. Your kid probably doesn't even look like that anymore.
  3. It's just SM - it's just that - not real life. Calm down.
  4. Claim bloody CMS - it's your legal right.
  5. Don't equate paying maintenence to access or rights - they're different things
i'd exept cms if the bastard paid. he is being chased. he has no access because i wont allow my daughter to be alone with him and he refuses supervisied visits
OP posts:
Derbee · 24/03/2022 19:20

@CardiffGymMonkeyMum

I dont send any the photos are her as a baby/toddler. I did offer then her school photo last year. but was met with abuse and racist and homophobic rants about my friends.
Stop adding to your potential problems by offering them even more recent photos
Abridget7 · 24/03/2022 19:21

What a frustrating thread.
Lots of good, fair and well-meaning advice falling on deaf ears.

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 24/03/2022 19:24

With each and every thing you post it honestly seems like your addicted to the drama of this situation.

You're being oddly defensive of people who pass on gossip that you can't do anything about, and now you're insulting other posters who choose not to upset their friends.

I've been in an abusive relationship and absolutely don't need reminding to keep the family out of my life, and I certainly wouldn't be offering any one of them photos of my kids either.

Why do you want this level of involvement with something you can't do anything about?

Tell your friends to block these people and your life will improve tenfold.... but you don't seem to want to do that, and, it seems, invite them into your life again from time to time.

CardiffGymMonkeyMum · 24/03/2022 19:24

@SummerBluez

But I don't understand the point of offering them a photo of your daughter if you have no intention of letting them see her? That's actually quite cruel to be honest.
Building a Bridge. or trying to. Meet them half way. Be civil. Be decent.

there reply was abuse about having two gays living with me and my "darkie" mate being allowed to be around her but not thier son.

and this was two or three months before i found out he had been accused again of similar things he did to me!

OP posts:
Derbee · 24/03/2022 19:25

what i see is a heartless coward

Sorry, but that’s an unacceptable way to speak to someone. Especially when you’re on a forum where people could judge you harshly for being in such a dysfunctional relationship for so long, AND bringing a child into it. Nobody has judged you, so it would be nice to give others the same courtesy and respect. Judging people as weak/heartless etc when you don’t know their story, is unnecessary and hideously judgmental.

OakRowan · 24/03/2022 19:29

Honestly between your ex, his parents, your friends and your aggressive responses on here I think you understandably have problems with relationships and friendships and what is healthy, safe and appropriate, because your self esteem and boundaries are damaged, because of the things that have happened to you. You need some support in completely disengaging with your interaction with his family, via odour friends and others, letting go of what you cannot control. You want to know how you can stop them, sounds like you can't. Your friends aren't helping you and you are putting them in a bad position too, them feeding you negative information like this, you aren'tbeing a good.friend to them to keep them so involved. Focus on proceeding with the case against your ex for raping you, with support, if you want to, instead of trying to police FB.

SummerBluez · 24/03/2022 19:32

I am completely no contact with my MIL. And that means no contact. I don't offer her photos, I don't obsess over her Facebook, I don't have her in my life in any way.
I am 99% sure she will post lies about me on her Facebook but I leave her to it and don't give her the headspace. If I got myself upset and wound up over then that's the reaction that she wants.

SquirrelG · 24/03/2022 19:32

I agree with other posters, keep well away from their social media, tell your friends you don't want to know about any posts, and definitely do not send any more photos. They sound toxic and are best ignored - just don't worry about what they say or do and get on with your own life.

Hope90x · 24/03/2022 19:39

OP it sounds like an awful lot of drama, which could all be easily avoided by ignoring the silly SM posts and asking your friends not to bring them to your attention.

I had a guy on my SM and he continually posted slurs about his baby mama. He may have been the most genuine victim in the world but people's reactions were genuinely more negative towards HIM because of how he was behaving.... Only the people on his level sympathised with him. Which is no real loss to the 'babymamma' I'm sure.

I have also been subjected to slandering posts about myself, by the mother of my husband's child, I have never once felt the need to react because honestly, the ones that were brought to my attention were either laughable or pity-inducing.

These people let themselves down, and anyone half sensible accepts that there are two sides to a story. Don't waste your emotion.

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