Can we please stop with the ' he really doesn't like you, does he Op ?"

[ownworstenemies]

Comments .
They're nasty, unhelpful and lazy.
Relationship board has always been measured, empathethic, kind but this answer which is becoming more prevalent just wreaks of bitterness Amd nastiness.

Quite often it's true though. And could be the thing that provokes some different thinking?

I find the clearly abusive partner stories where people comment 'you're just not compatible' much more offensive.

Franky I would have thrown a parade (eventually) for anyone who said 'he really doesn't like you does he?' to me about my abusive exH.

It might have saved me a few years of crap and the breakdown I had when it all came crashing down around my ears had someone pointed out that actually (and clearly) my exH really just didn't like me, I was just convienient for him.

@ownworstenemies

Comments . They're nasty, unhelpful and lazy. Relationship board has always been measured, empathethic, kind but this answer which is becoming more prevalent just wreaks of bitterness Amd nastiness.

What would you recommend as an acceptbale substitute?

Acceptable. Grrrrr.

I agree it’s pretty harsh but I think if phrased as a question it can really get people thinking. I mean you might ‘love’ someone because did before and feel you still should. But if someone doesn’t even treat you like a person they like; does it matter that they claim to love you?

A lot of people put up with behaviour from their ‘loved ones’ that they shouldn’t tolerate for an acquaintance or even some random passerby. But love apparently conquers all. No. It doesn’t. If they can’t consistently treat you like they like you (as a bare minimum) then there’s something wrong.

But it’s often true. He’s just not that into you. Plus is often a nasty piece of work.
Too many women spend months, years trying to fix something that’s unfixable.

Are there any other reasonable conclusions to draw, given the accounts of nasty behaviour so often seen in Relationships?

It helped me enormously when Mumsnetters Tera told me my husband didn't like me much.

I hadn't even thought of it till then but they were right.

It's that exact comment that gave me the push to end my abusive relationship

I think it can be thrown about by people too easily without thinking about whether they're just projecting.

It took me a really time to work out that my XH both disliked and hated me. I mean, it was SO obvious, but I didn't see it at the time. I wish someone had said it to me.

But there are more delicate ways to essentially say the same thing if you can see a person is already very upset.

*long time

I particularly don't like OPs being asked to leave immediately and to update everyone about what steps she's taken. It often takes a few attempts to leave and making women feel like cowards doesn't help.

why should posters not say something that is evident and true?

If a person is told by someone else., he really doesn't like you,, I would assume that the person would already know this , without some stranger making this comment as such.

I think it can useful for posters who are being treated like crap to see that this is not the behaviour of someone who loves them or even likes them very much. So many women carry on flogging a dead horse because they're scared of being on their own.

Bitter is a bit of a stretch

I agree. Sometimes someone has power issues that affect their partner, but its not directed at the partner. Some people don't realise how they affect a person or what they are doing is unhealthy. Hence why therapists exist. Sometimes a person loves someone but has issues they need to sort.

Whilst I understand where you're coming from, sometimes this hasn't presented itself as a possibility to the OP who is often enthralled to the, "I love you,"s etc.

Most people query whether someone loves them; not whether they even actually just like them.

A lot of men will date/be with women they don't like very much if they look good on their arm; have sex with them; provide home comforts...

Sometimes that jolt of realisation that he fancies me, he likes having sex with me but he doesn't actually like me is what is needed to move on once and for all.

I think context is everything isn't it ?

Run for the hills is another if you so much as mention there's an issue. Sometimes you want to work on something and understand something. Not just run for the hills.

@Walton45123

But it’s often true. He’s just not that into you. Plus is often a nasty piece of work. Too many women spend months, years trying to fix something that’s unfixable.

Yes. You see it on here all the time - women tying themselves in knots to repair a relationship or make it work when, from the outside, it is clear that it isn't going to because the man has no real interest in doing so because, whilst he likes what he gets from the relationship, he doesn't actually like her.

I have posted on here many times over the 10/12 years I've been on here (under various names) and I've received a multitude of responses. What I have realised is that you can read quite quickly whether the advice comes from a place of wisdom, kindness, bitterness or spite and the advice I've been given has rarely been bad or wrong - even when it's identified me as the problem!

I actually think it’s quite a helpful comment and can help jolt someone into a different perspective. My exp professed to love me, the reality was his behaviour showed that he really didn’t like me very much. I actually think if someone had said ‘he doesn’t sound like he likes you very much’ vs ‘you have a partner problem’, it may have helped me see the wood for the trees sooner.

Quite often the OP has written a long list of the hurtful things their OH has done and how they are twisting themselves in knots to appease. So to be quite honest, it sounds like the OH doesn't even like them, let alone love them. Harsh but true. It's a bit of a lightbulb moment for a lot of people. I've had that moment myself and it releases you from their grip and lets you face reality.

Yes, exactly @BlueSlate. It's a a sad truth that many men stay in relationships with women they don't really like very much because they enjoy the convenience and sex on tap.

It's why most of them only end the relationship when they have another woman to go to.

I wish I’d found MN years ago and someone had told me this about my ex. I’d have been defensive at the time but it would have opened my eyes and probably got me to leave him sooner.

Posters are adults asking for randoms to assess their relationship issues with objectivity. Sometimes that means telling someone the way she’s being treated means the relationship is over.

What better advice are you giving out?

It’s often true. What always strikes me in these kind of situations is that the partner wouldn’t do something like that to a friend or a stranger on the street, but finds it acceptable to do to someone who your supposed to love!?!

I agree

I also bloody hate it when posters refer to men as the ‘prize’