Can we please stop with the ' he really doesn't like you, does he Op ?"

[ownworstenemies]

Comments .
They're nasty, unhelpful and lazy.
Relationship board has always been measured, empathethic, kind but this answer which is becoming more prevalent just wreaks of bitterness Amd nastiness.

Thanks @GregBrawlsInDogJail 😅

@StooOrangeyForCrows

I think 99 times out a hundred, when it's said, it's relevant. It can be the catalyst for a deeper realisation on behalf of the poster like nothing else.

This And I understand what you’re saying OP but when a man’s abusive and a woman knows , she also unusually knows that leaving would be best . If she can’t easily do that she usually knows she will need support from others ir police , family etc There’s no magic advice anyone can give. Often one of the most difficult things is for the woman to accept that he won’t change and take the steps to seek that help , which is why I think many posters do say things like that

@GregBrawlsInDogJail

Since we're correcting each other: it's "reeks of bitterness". "Wreaks" is an entirely different word with a different meaning.

And let’s not call women ‘bitter ‘ it’s a gendered insult and a shitty way for us to talk about one another I literally never hear men called bitter

I disagree about bitter being a gendered insult. Completely.

OP please don’t think I disagree with your point about not being harsh and that many women require support here . I agree one hundred percent
I just think that the posters who do that may be doing it to help reveal or help the posters accept the behaviour is as bad as it is
That being said I also feel that compassion and empathy for one another is really important and we show that through putting thought into our replies when women are facing such difficult situations … so you have my agreement there for sure

@ownworstenemies

I disagree about bitter being a gendered insult. Completely.

Really , I find that interesting . I certainly hear it used much much more about women . Actually don’t think I’ve ever heard a man called bitter

I have heard that term used about men so many times.
Not ally in the context of separation/ divorce: maintenance.

Normally !

I think whatever the intentions, ‘he’s just not that into you/he doesn’t like you’ can sound like the woman is lacking somehow - if you were more attractive/more likeable/bent over backwards a little but further/worked out how to get him to like you…, he would be more ‘into you’.

‘He’s a prick/cocklodger/arsehole/clown & not worth your time’ is a better way of putting it.

There a lot of articles and research but one you might find interesting is
‘From Bossy To Bitter: How The Narratives We Tell Girls Change As They Age’

And from another article

“A gendered insult is any word or phrase which is disproportionately applied to a member of a particular gender, and which generally bears some connection to societal expectations or norms placed upon that gender”.

When women arnt sweet like expected they are labelled bitter - and sadly it’s often from other women

@ownworstenemies

Normally !

Yeah I don’t but anyway perhaps it’s different where we live … it’s very much used like bitch here or old and bitter ‘ woman ‘

Anyway not to hijack the thread

@WTF475878237NC

I think it can be thrown about by people too easily without thinking about whether they're just projecting.

This.

There are a lot of posts in this forum from women who are in abusive relationships but who can't see it/accept it, which is a common pattern in abuse. However, there are other posts where almost the opposite is true - someone's spouse had a bad day and made a snappy comment and suddenly hordes of commenters are urging the OP to "LTB", insisting "It can't have been the only time he did that", then becoming argumentative when OP doesn't agree. That does seem like projection.

The one time I posted for advice about my relationship here, several posters made out that my fiance was a horrible person. All I'd wanted was some advice on how to deal with a source of conflict and I was inundated by a flood of biting replies that were quite hurtful. Luckily there were some measured responses that helped. I dealt with the situation and now everything is fine, but if certain MNers were to be believed, I should have ended my relationship then and there. If I ever need relationship advice in future I won't be asking here. Sometimes a stranger on the Internet sees truths that the woman in the situation doesn't see. Other times the stranger on the Internet makes a ton of assumptions and then gets pissed off if these aren't immediately accepted by the woman In the situation as facts.

If a woman/ man comes on here and writes a litany of reasons why her/ his partner is abusive, for example, without naming it as abuse; I think a kind response would be something like ...
You've said your husband/ wife does xyz and so it is clear that he doesnt treat you/ kids/ family with kindness or respect which we know is the cornerstone of healthy relationships etc. You have many options here op .... and develop as appropriate.

' Well op, he doesn't like you very much, does he?' Is the furthest response from kind that I can think of and not followed up with any constructive advice to boot, is shit behaviour , whatever way we want to dress it up, imo.

@ownworstenemies

Do pps honestly believe that when a woman comes on here and asks for advice about leaving an abusive situation or when a partner shows disrespect in whatever guise, that she does not know that he doesn't like her ? Of course she does. She didn't ask for a comment. She asked for advice. These are the threads I'm talking about.

For someone who has left an abusive partner yourself, you’re being incredibly entitled about other peoples views in this area.

I was in an abusive relationship, which was very cleverly mired into issues around child contact / court issues/ he says / she says etc. So no, when I posted about these sorts of issues, I had absolutely no idea that the reality is that he just didn’t like me. How could I? When all that was said to me (and I internalised) was the BS of ‘I love you, You won’t find love like this again.’ And I searched externally for reasons to mitigate his behaviour and hope for change. When the cold hard reality is no, he didn’t like me. And that showed up time and again in his actions towards me. Did I know that at the time? No.

If someone had said to me. ‘Forget the issues around child contact and the complex dynamics of trying to semi blend and look at his actions, not words, actions, he actually doesn’t like you very much’, it would have given me much needed perspective and a jolt. More people tbh need to give that bold commentary on the step parenting board. Because the way some step parents are treated by their partners/ spouses really indicates that their partners don’t like / respect them. They are just being used for their money/ homes/ help/ sex etc.

Liking is bigger than love. If you don’t even like someone, that really does cut through the BS of ‘but he says he loves me’. More people need to hear it, not less.

It may not have helped you to hear that. But I can categorically say it would have helped me.
If you think certain posts are unhelpful, then feel free to post your own advice as you would have liked to hear it. Others (myself included) will post what we think is helpful, based on what we would have liked to have been told.

Yes@Sassbott but there are ways and means of communicating and reminding posters of that or enabling the poster to see that if they genuinely haven't .
Dropping a nasty one liner without constructive much sought after advice is cruel and I stand by that100%.
There is so much projection on here lately. It's hard to see the wood for the trees, at times.

I've never been advised that but I have read many threads of posters looking for direction or advice , not an opinion on their partners feelings towards them , and this is what has been offered on many occasions.
It's all in the delivery.

@ownworstenemies

I've never been advised that but I have read many threads of posters looking for direction or advice , not an opinion on their partners feelings towards them , and this is what has been offered on many occasions. It's all in the delivery.

But that is direction and advice. As @Sassbott said, many men tell women they love them but there's a big disconnect between their words and their behaviour.

And bitter is very much a gendered insult, however much you protest

I think it's helpful. It never occurred to me somehow in my abusive relationship to wonder whether he liked me. I was too busy trying to win his approval. I didn't see it like that at the time obviously. But that's what happened. I had him on a bit of a pedestal and it was about whether he thought I was good enough and that's sort of how I assumed relationships worked, I suppose? I was terrified of doing something that would turn him away. I see that kind of fear all the time in relationships threads.

Thinking about whether or not somebody likes you is a very different level of relationship, more like friendship, and makes a lot more sense. I am now with somebody who does like me. It feeds into every interaction and makes the whole relationship easy.

Maybe it seems obvious to you if you've always had that expectation from relationships from the start but for some of us it really, really isn't and therefore it was helpful.

@ownworstenemies

Do pps honestly believe that when a woman comes on here and asks for advice about leaving an abusive situation or when a partner shows disrespect in whatever guise, that she does not know that he doesn't like her ? Of course she does. She didn't ask for a comment. She asked for advice. These are the threads I'm talking about.

Have you sought advice on an abusive, difficult relationship?

Several posters in this thread have, and told you they would have found the insight useful. Are you going to continue to ignore their input here?

What @BertieBotts said

Was shall we do then? Lie and let OP carry on in their predicament

@ownworstenemies

I suggest that the poster , within context, is sensitively and gently advised to seek real life support in terms of a trusted friend or family member, GP, women's aid etc . I think mn has become very harsh. Recently this poor woman who had been beaten down by life spilled her heart out in the hopes of getting some Constructive advice and support . First response... ' He doesn't like you very much, does he?' I thought what a nasty piece . Certainly not in the usual atmosphere of this board which can be a life line for so many .

My exh and I didn't like each other, I was in denial for a very very long time. If I had asked my RL friends or family they wouldn't have know what to say - on the surface and to all intents and purposes we were a loving functioning couple with every reason to stay together. It's actually very difficult to explain things that cut through all the social conditioning we have since birth. MN has a way of getting to the point (blunt you might say - but it's SM and no one wants to read an essay) and cutting through the niceties and getting to the core of the issue. I've been on MN for over 15 years, but I don't think I ever posted about my marriage - I didn't want to hear the truth. But I read and I gained knowledge about healthy relationships which unfortunately I didn't see mirrored growing up in my family home.

It's SM, you post at your peril. I've certainly had my arse handed to me over the years on here, but it's a been an opportunity to canvas views and opinions you don't get in RL and that's why we post.

There are lots of much more 'cosy' areas of MN if you need to step out of the battlefield of 'relationships' which I assume is one of the toughest and popular boards on MN.

It's far kinder to say that than for someone to stay and put up with horrible treatment thinking he loves her, he's just has stress or moods or whatever.

It's helpful to take a step back and look at behaviours and treatment.
We all know how we treat people we like vs people we don't really like.

Saying I love you to someone, when you're treating them like poop on your shoe doesn't match up.

It's very hard to censor public opinion.

Each thread has different responses, responses that within the real world you would not recieve, people are too polite.

Politeness very rarely involves truth. If you want a watered down response ask someone in real life, sometimes this board is not kind but in many cases it is truthful.