Can we please stop with the ' he really doesn't like you, does he Op ?"

[ownworstenemies]

Comments .
They're nasty, unhelpful and lazy.
Relationship board has always been measured, empathethic, kind but this answer which is becoming more prevalent just wreaks of bitterness Amd nastiness.

Why?

When someone's wasted years of their life unhappy with someone who doesn't respect them or who treats them badly, what benefit is it to encourage them to waste even more time trying to fix something that is never going to work?

Time they could be spending themselves or with someone else who actually wants to be with them?

Truth is often the hardest thing to say/admit to. But it doesn't stop being true because you can't or won't say it.

@Palmtreeizland44

Run for the hills is another if you so much as mention there's an issue. Sometimes you want to work on something and understand something. Not just run for the hills.

but its usually said in response to descriptions of really nasty abusive behaviour

If you don't like the advice that's being given on a thread, then the solution is at your fingertips.

Post the advice you think is better on the thread itself.

Not start a thread saying how awful (unnamed) MNetters are

'You don't sound very nice' is another one trotted out, people copy phrases instead of constructively trying to help.

@HeDidWhattt

It’s often true. What always strikes me in these kind of situations is that the partner wouldn’t do something like that to a friend or a stranger on the street, but finds it acceptable to do to someone who your supposed to love!?!

This.

Men who wouldn't so much as buy a card for a woman they live with, have children with and who has gone all out on several occasions for their burthdays.

How can that be a loving kind relationship?

You would do more for a friend.

@AuntieStella

If you don't like the advice that's being given on a thread, then the solution is at your fingertips.

Post the advice you think is better on the thread itself.

Not start a thread saying how awful (unnamed) MNetters are

I agree!

I found the fairly blunt advice I got on here very useful a few years ago.

Just wish I’d acted on it more quickly!

I dont like it either. 'Doesnt like you' frames it as a dynamic where there is.

• You...the unliked one (weak passive) And him. The one doing the liking or unliking (the one controlling things).

An abusive persons rationale is utterly irrelevant. Not liking someone is not reason to mistreat them. I also think its outrageously pithy and an understatement.

@Walton45123

But it’s often true. He’s just not that into you. Plus is often a nasty piece of work. Too many women spend months, years trying to fix something that’s unfixable.

Absolutely. I did the pick me dance, tried to be the perfect wife and mother, scrimped on out goings so he could buy the things he wanted, encouraged him to have time to himself. I thought that if I did all these things he would discover that this is really where he wanted to be. He didn't like me,he certainly didn't love me and he had no respect whatsoever for me. If I had posted on here (no Internet in my divorce days) and people had said "He doesn't like you at all does he" it might have made me wake up and it would have helped me find my rage.

I think that the phrase is thrown around and just left there to be read by already hurting and humiliated women who in many circumstances are victims of abuse. It's becoming the new LTB by lazy and insensitive posters IMO.

@ownworstenemies

I think that the phrase is thrown around and just left there to be read by already hurting and humiliated women who in many circumstances are victims of abuse. It's becoming the new LTB by lazy and insensitive posters IMO.

What do you suggest instead?

So the problem.isnt an abusive husband/partner its the women on the relationship thread/board for pointing it out?

@Walton45123

But it’s often true. He’s just not that into you. Plus is often a nasty piece of work. Too many women spend months, years trying to fix something that’s unfixable.

this

I suggest that the poster , within context, is sensitively and gently advised to seek real life support in terms of a trusted friend or family member, GP, women's aid etc . I think mn has become very harsh.
Recently this poor woman who had been beaten down by life spilled her heart out in the hopes of getting some
Constructive advice and support .
First response...
' He doesn't like you very much, does he?'
I thought what a nasty piece .
Certainly not in the usual atmosphere of this board which can be a life line for so many .

@AuntieStella

If you don't like the advice that's being given on a thread, then the solution is at your fingertips.

Post the advice you think is better on the thread itself.

Not start a thread saying how awful (unnamed) MNetters are

Absolutely this.

These threads are almost daily now. Whinging about terminology, words, advice and how shit other people are on threads etc.

Do something about it then instead of passive aggressive poking. It's tiresum.

@ownworstenemies

I think that the phrase is thrown around and just left there to be read by already hurting and humiliated women who in many circumstances are victims of abuse. It's becoming the new LTB by lazy and insensitive posters IMO.

Possibly so. However sometimes less is more. When you are in a situation, and you have been there for a long time, you spend so long convincing yourself that black is white and abuse is him being 'stressed at work', 'worried about fuel bills' etc etc. A thread on here, with lots of replies that analyse your situation very deeply, are all well and good. But sometimes other people just feed your carefully honed ability to justify why you should stay /work with/work around someone who, in reality ,is an arsehole. A simple sentence often cuts through the noise.

I think 99 times out a hundred, when it's said, it's relevant. It can be the catalyst for a deeper realisation on behalf of the poster like nothing else.

@ownworstenemies

I think that the phrase is thrown around and just left there to be read by already hurting and humiliated women who in many circumstances are victims of abuse. It's becoming the new LTB by lazy and insensitive posters IMO.

has someone on mumsnet said it to you and its turned out to be untrue?

i guess for the vast majority of people who do post those comments its coming from a place of experience and they wish someone close to them had been brave enough to be direct and blunt enough to say 'your husband/partner does not like you...and is treating you badly'.

would have saved many of us years of agonising if we should try and make the (shitty) relationship work when it ws already dead in the water and the only thing we were doing was wasting our own time and energy.

To add, There are also many posters who say... kick him out.. pack his bags... change the locks and I can tell you from experience of living with a controlling man, he would have beaten me black and blue if I had done that, like most controlling abusive men would.
If advice is sought, then advice should be given if we feel we have something to add. Commenting on the feelings of a person towards another isn t asked for, it's often very obvious but completely designed to hurt the poster IMO . The poster knows deep down that he abusive/ nasty partner doesn't like him or her. That's not why they are posting normally .

No.

I've never been told this but many many posters lately have and it's simply nasty and unhelpful imo.
Telling posters what they already know when they have asked for advice on what to do about a given situation , not a comment on their partners feeling towards them.

Do pps honestly believe that when a woman comes on here and asks for advice about leaving an abusive situation or when a partner shows disrespect in whatever guise, that she does not know that he doesn't like her ?
Of course she does. She didn't ask for a comment. She asked for advice. These are the threads I'm talking about.

@ownworstenemies

Comments . They're nasty, unhelpful and lazy. Relationship board has always been measured, empathethic, kind but this answer which is becoming more prevalent just wreaks of bitterness Amd nastiness.

Sometimes nasty men who really don’t like women get a lot of excuses made for them Sometimes women just need to hear that a man is behaving like he doesn’t like her , because , well… maybe he doesn’t Not all women want to be pickmeishas and find excuses for mens shitty behaviours , some just call it out for what it is Just because you think it’s lazy and unhelpful doesn’t mean it is … for me , it’s been exactly what I needed to hear to get it through my head at the time

Since we're correcting each other: it's "reeks of bitterness". "Wreaks" is an entirely different word with a different meaning.

The last few years of my last relationship, although not one I'd consider abusive thankfully, but certainly probably not healthy or respectful or something that enhanced my life in any way, I'd become so accustomed to defending why he did what he did. Why he didn't do what he didn't do etc I'd have found an explanation/excuse out out of anything.

One thing I'd have really benefited from is being told the truth. I had enough analysing , explaining, denying the obvious within my own head.