Can we please stop with the ' he really doesn't like you, does he Op ?"

[ownworstenemies]

Comments .
They're nasty, unhelpful and lazy.
Relationship board has always been measured, empathethic, kind but this answer which is becoming more prevalent just wreaks of bitterness Amd nastiness.

If a person is told by someone else., he really doesn't like you,, I would assume that the person would already know this.

In my case you would have assumed wrong. Despite the glaringly obvious, it never occurred to me that the man who’d once called me his soul mate, really didn’t like me. Maybe if someone had said ’he really doesn’t like you’, It wouldn’t have been so shocking when he tried to kill me.

Quite a lot of posters, myself included, don’t want to let go of the person he used to be and get stuck in an endless cycle of figuring out how to ‘fix’ a relationship and not acknowledging that the other party has already checked out.

@supercali77

I dont like it either. 'Doesnt like you' frames it as a dynamic where there is. - You...the unliked one (weak passive) And him. The one doing the liking or unliking (the one controlling things).

An abusive persons rationale is utterly irrelevant. Not liking someone is not reason to mistreat them. I also think its outrageously pithy and an understatement.

No one is saying he doesn't really like you and that's why he mistreats you.

People often say it as in, he's mistreating you! He obviously doesn't like you.

No one here is condoning abuse or mistreatment by saying that?

I've also never in my time here seen a man described as 'the prize' unless it was sarcastically lol.

@ownworstenemies

To add, There are also many posters who say... kick him out.. pack his bags... change the locks and I can tell you from experience of living with a controlling man, he would have beaten me black and blue if I had done that, like most controlling abusive men would. If advice is sought, then advice should be given if we feel we have something to add. Commenting on the feelings of a person towards another isn t asked for, it's often very obvious but completely designed to hurt the poster IMO . The poster knows deep down that he abusive/ nasty partner doesn't like him or her. That's not why they are posting normally .

Often very obvious but completely designed to hurt the poster IMO. The poster knows deep down that he abusive/nasty partner doesn't like him or her utter rubbish.

I did NOT know my exH was abusive and nasty.

Quite often people on here don't know what they are experiencing is abuse.

I doubt very much the majority of posters in Relationships set out to hurt the OP, most of us have a lot of understanding and compassion because we WERE that poster at one point. As a PP said though sometimes it cuts through the noise.

I also see people signposted to outside IRL support all the time on this board. People telling someone to change the locks etc may not always be approptriate fair enough but sometimes it is.

What people are saying is,

"Would someone who likes you treat you like this?"
"If someone at work treated you like this, would you conclude that they didn't like you?"
"If a relative treated you like this, would you wonder if they liked you?"

As has been pointed out here, many women don't recognise the patterns of abuse they are experiencing and can't figure out the motive behind behaviour they see in their partners. They only know they are very unhappy, have reached the point where they are being silenced in their relationships, and need advice. Very often the people close to them IRL (parents, friends, siblings) are urging them to give the partner another chance, see bunches of flowers or other cheap, trite gestures as signs of a true heart, automatically assume there are two sides to domestic violence, men only 'lash out' when 'provoked' beyond reason, etc.

@ownworstenemies

I suggest that the poster , within context, is sensitively and gently advised to seek real life support in terms of a trusted friend or family member, GP, women's aid etc . I think mn has become very harsh. Recently this poor woman who had been beaten down by life spilled her heart out in the hopes of getting some Constructive advice and support . First response... ' He doesn't like you very much, does he?' I thought what a nasty piece . Certainly not in the usual atmosphere of this board which can be a life line for so many .

MN has always had a reputation for being 'robust'.

It is generally frequented by intelligent, educated, no nonsense women who don't need others pussy footing around them. What makes you think that women can't take a bit of direct communication? Why does everything need to be done 'gently?

Thee are other sites, I presume they still exist, where women can find, "Aw, that sounds awful, hun," type responses. But it's s not what women come to MN for.

I think there is a fine line between honesty and opening up the op's eyes to the reality of their situation v almost relishing the fact that they are in that situation and victim blaming.

It is possible to offer honest constructive advice without being snide and unkind.

Sometimes you really just need to hear it as it is. My ex 'really didn't like me'. I tried sooo hard but eventually the relationship ended and now looking back, I can see that he just wasn't into me. No pun intended... wish someone could have told it to me clearly at the time. My mum tried to but what 24 year old listens to their mum ?! Biggest waste of my time ever. He really just didn't like me!

@ownworstenemies

If a woman/ man comes on here and writes a litany of reasons why her/ his partner is abusive, for example, without naming it as abuse; I think a kind response would be something like ... You've said your husband/ wife does xyz and so it is clear that he doesnt treat you/ kids/ family with kindness or respect which we know is the cornerstone of healthy relationships etc. You have many options here op .... and develop as appropriate.

' Well op, he doesn't like you very much, does he?' Is the furthest response from kind that I can think of and not followed up with any constructive advice to boot, is shit behaviour , whatever way we want to dress it up, imo.

Whilst I accept the phrasing may be hard to read/hear but in so many cases the OP is in need of a short, sharp shock. Especially when they can't see the wood for the tress and often say "in general he's an amazing man and father"

So you want people to stop being honest then.. mmmm ok.
They do say the truth hurts. Perhaps people sensitive to the truth shouldn't post on public forums?

Do you mean that people are being deliberately nasty & snide? Like kicking someone when they're down? I can see why you wouldn't agree with that, but sometimes people do need to have it spelt out to them that their partner doesn't actually like them.

Often, women will say something like 'I just don't understand. He says he loves me and wants to be with me, but this situation has been going on for a while now. He behaves like xyz to me all the time', and then that's followed by a list of what he does.

When you read the post, it's clear from his behaviour that the woman is being completely gaslit. She's routinely being told she's loved, that she means so much to the other person, yet that person's actions are completely contrary to this. If you objectively look at that other person's behaviour, not only do they not seem to love their partner, they don't even seem to like them. The woman in question is often treated with disdain, condescension, nasty little remarks, banter or 'humour' that is just a passive aggressive way of hurting someone, backhanded compliments. Other times they are completely neglected by their partner who doesn't seem to want to spend any quality time with them.

[quote ownworstenemies]Yes@Sassbott but there are ways and means of communicating and reminding posters of that or enabling the poster to see that if they genuinely haven't .
Dropping a nasty one liner without constructive much sought after advice is cruel and I stand by that100%.
There is so much projection on here lately. It's hard to see the wood for the trees, at times.[/quote]
I think I know what you mean. They're not acceptable, but thankfully, they're in the minority.

I don't think that's bad. The OP's who are being treated badly need to realize their partners aren't treating them as someone who truly respected and liked them would, and they deserve someone who'll treat them better. That's all people mean.

There is so much projection on here lately. It's hard to see the wood for the trees, at times.

I've been on MN since 2009, maybe even 2008 - I can't remember but it's been a long, long time.

Same complaint has been leveled ever since I first joined - 'projection'.

It's as wrong now as it ever has been.

A lot of women who respond on Relationship threads have been to family court, taken out non-mol orders, bought the T-shirt. They have earned their hard-won wisdom in some very blreak trenches.

Giving out advice and sharing insights based on experience is not projection.

Honestly, even though I've had this here, it's often true. And a lot of women are blind to that and can't see a man doing what he's doing when he's not that into you.

I think a few years ago if I'd posted here (MN wasn't around then!) about my male platonic friend for 7 years who started off wanting to date me but then we were best friends, I think if I'd told MN about him I may have broken off the friendship and not fallen for any of his bullshit.

Which was mind-games, probably a narcissist (he said he could be evil).