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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP repeatedly told me to 'fuck off' in his sleep!

105 replies

PatButchersEarring · 23/03/2022 17:23

Hi,
I don't know what to make of this really.
Sunday afternoon, DP went out to watch the football. Apparently had 5 cans of beer.
Came home around 7. Was slightly tipsy, but certainly not steaming drunk.
We both had a glass of wine in the evening and went to bed together about 9.30. Cuddled up and went to sleep.
Around 12.30am, I woke up and DP was laying across the bed leaving me with little room. I (nicely) tried to wake him to get him to move over a little. He couldn't be woken easily, so I kept trying as I was really squashed. He was like a dead weight. He then kind of stirred so I asked him to budge over. He said 'you've got loads of room. Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off.' Eventually, I said 'Stop it!' in a very firm voice, he stirred a little more and did move enough for me to be comfortable.
The next day, he goes to kiss me etc as though nothing has happened. I am obviously upset by the incident and told him so- he cannot remember a thing about it/didn't know it had happened!
He has apologised profusely and said that he was unconscious whilst saying it- not helped by having had quite a few drinks earlier. We have discussed the drink issue element of this and he is saying he will cut back. He has had other sleep/drink related issues in the past- weeing in cupboards etc- Not often, but it has happened and he has never said unpleasant stuff in his sleep before.
As I say, he has apogised, but I am struggling to get over it. It has really upset and shaken me.
How do I get over this? Overall, our relationship is fairly solid, but this was horrible!

OP posts:
ineedsun · 23/03/2022 17:26

He was asleep? And you’re cross with him?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/03/2022 17:29

I've said many weirder things to my DH in my sleep. I also sleepwalk. But I have never weed in a cupboard (as far as I know).

Get over it. Really not a big deal.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/03/2022 17:34

He urinating previously in cupboards is grim.

And people with alcohol dependence problems always say they will cut back and it never happens . How many times have you heard him say that before now?. His recent swearing in his sleep is just the latest in a long line of rubbish behaviour you’ve put up with.

You may well love him but if you’re with an alcoholic you are on a hiding to nothing here.

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 23/03/2022 17:36

You can't blame someone for what they say in their sleep. For all you know he was mid dream and thought you were a giant octopus or something. It's completely unreasonable to punish him or expect an apology for this.

cushioncovers · 23/03/2022 17:38

He's apologised so give yourself some time to get over it. The proof will be if he actually does cut back and try not to do it again.

Watchkeys · 23/03/2022 17:40

Has anything like this happened when he was stone cold sober? If not, he needs to make a simple choice: risk hurting you in this way again, stop drinking, or sleep elsewhere when he drinks.

Does his drinking cause any other problems? Is he drinking enough to have health risks?

PotteringAlong · 23/03/2022 17:40

You’re cross because of something he did in his sleep?!
Would you expect him to leave you because you dream cheated on you?

You cannot blame him for something that happened when he was asleep!

DoctorManhattan · 23/03/2022 17:40

Assuming he’s telling the truth (and if he has no history of this and was in a deep alcohol driven sleep, it sounds like he is) then I’d really just advise you to try and forget it and write it off as something that had absolutely no intent or substance behind it.

Was it nice? No. But people say things in their sleep all the time that they have no conscious control over - I know I have and my partner also has. And in those semi lucid moments between sleep and awake where it’s ultra confusing (esp with alcohol in the mix too) it can be even worse.

If he said the same thing to you when bright awake, then you’d have a problem.

Watchkeys · 23/03/2022 17:46

@PotteringAlong

You’re cross because of something he did in his sleep?! Would you expect him to leave you because you dream cheated on you?

You cannot blame him for something that happened when he was asleep!

I think there's a line, here. Obviously we all might do something in our sleep that's out of our control. But this is repeated behaviour, and he was aware of who he was talking to and the circumstances of the conversation, because he said 'You've got lots of room'.

Whether he's right or wrong or doing it by mistake or on purpose isn't really the issue. I'm sure all of us would be upset if our partners were regularly being horrible to us in the night. This might not be 'regular', but it's reasonable to be somewhat upset, regardless, the more times it happens.

twinsetandpearl · 23/03/2022 18:11

Really OP how old are you?! What are you looking for out of your post? For us to say he is clearly an abuser and to LTB?

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 23/03/2022 18:18

I tell dh to stfu when I am awake and he is snoring.
I feel no shame.
Asleep your dh isn't at fault.

SoyaChai · 23/03/2022 18:18

I have said things when half awake half in a dream before. You don't really process what you're saying and it's actually very confusing at the time. Like you're aware but not aware. You know the words your saying but they just come out rather than being given though. It's weird. It's like your brain is only half working.

Yeshkimesh · 23/03/2022 18:23

Really upset and shaken you??
Christ.

GirlMum93 · 23/03/2022 18:26

😂😂

TabithaTittlemouse · 23/03/2022 18:26

I say all sorts in my sleep. I’ve ordered cheese burgers (I’m vegan, maybe my subconscious wants meat?), told Dh that I’m leaving him and told him to redecorate the bedrooms. I have no memory of any of this.

GrowThroughWhatYouGoThrough · 23/03/2022 18:27

He probably had no idea what he was saying and was asleep and dosent remember. I had a conversation with my husband when he came in off a night shift last night about the price of tissues and how expensive they were in dollars 🤣

springbreak22 · 23/03/2022 18:28

You sound controlling

Watchkeys · 23/03/2022 18:30

@springbreak22

You sound controlling
OP hasn't actually done anything. No feeling that we have can be controlling unless we act on it. All OP has done is feel upset. It's not controlling in any way to feel upset, whatever it's about.
ShadowPuppets · 23/03/2022 18:30

Jesus if saying ‘fuck off’ in your sleep constitutes a problem then I’m in a marital disaster. About a week ago I yelled at DH in my sleep repeatedly because he wouldn’t ‘stop the fucking helicopter’. Grin

Nope I have no idea either…

tootiredtospeak · 23/03/2022 18:31

Oh dear apparently I have made death threats in my sleep but I was dreaming so it's not aimed at my DP. I think maybe you are overreacting.

Liverpool52 · 23/03/2022 18:31

I tried to smother my brother with a pair of his underpants in my sleep.

Probably explains why we're not very close as adults.

Watchkeys · 23/03/2022 18:31

@TabithaTittlemouse

I say all sorts in my sleep. I’ve ordered cheese burgers (I’m vegan, maybe my subconscious wants meat?), told Dh that I’m leaving him and told him to redecorate the bedrooms. I have no memory of any of this.
I pictured this all happening in the one night, and the look on your poor husband's face Grin
fairylightsandwaxmelts · 23/03/2022 18:33

I think you're hugely overreacting Blush

But then, I regularly tell DH to shut the fuck up if he's snoring and keeping me awake, and I'm perfectly sober when that happens Grin

Honestly OP - he was asleep and not aware of where he was or what was going. Have you never been disturbed from a really deep sleep and been confused about where you were/what was happening?

He's apologised (which he really didn't need to do) - in the words of Elsa, let it go! :)

MakeThingsRight · 23/03/2022 18:36

I once woke my daughter when we were sharing a bed... Properly - wake up, wake up... She said "what" to which I replied "shut up" 🤣

I've said far worse in my sleep since then. Sometimes I wake myself up chatting or singing, sometimes I get told about it in the morning.

I think you are being very precious OP.

Watchkeys · 23/03/2022 18:37

I think you're hugely overreacting

You have to make an act to over react. There's a reason OP feels the way she does, and a distinct lack of respect for that on this thread.