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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP repeatedly told me to 'fuck off' in his sleep!

105 replies

PatButchersEarring · 23/03/2022 17:23

Hi,
I don't know what to make of this really.
Sunday afternoon, DP went out to watch the football. Apparently had 5 cans of beer.
Came home around 7. Was slightly tipsy, but certainly not steaming drunk.
We both had a glass of wine in the evening and went to bed together about 9.30. Cuddled up and went to sleep.
Around 12.30am, I woke up and DP was laying across the bed leaving me with little room. I (nicely) tried to wake him to get him to move over a little. He couldn't be woken easily, so I kept trying as I was really squashed. He was like a dead weight. He then kind of stirred so I asked him to budge over. He said 'you've got loads of room. Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off.' Eventually, I said 'Stop it!' in a very firm voice, he stirred a little more and did move enough for me to be comfortable.
The next day, he goes to kiss me etc as though nothing has happened. I am obviously upset by the incident and told him so- he cannot remember a thing about it/didn't know it had happened!
He has apologised profusely and said that he was unconscious whilst saying it- not helped by having had quite a few drinks earlier. We have discussed the drink issue element of this and he is saying he will cut back. He has had other sleep/drink related issues in the past- weeing in cupboards etc- Not often, but it has happened and he has never said unpleasant stuff in his sleep before.
As I say, he has apogised, but I am struggling to get over it. It has really upset and shaken me.
How do I get over this? Overall, our relationship is fairly solid, but this was horrible!

OP posts:
springbreak22 · 23/03/2022 18:55

OP hasn't actually done anything. No feeling that we have can be controlling unless we act on it. All OP has done is feel upset. It's not controlling in any way to feel upset, whatever it's about.

Trying to control his drinking, guy went for a couple of pints said something in his SLEEP and he had to get a talking to the next day.

Controlling his behaviour.

Ellejay67 · 23/03/2022 19:02

Blimey I haven't been on here for years. Came back on recently as been having problems. Interesting to see thise with the same problems, unpleasant to see some of the bitchy replies. Shame. If your DP just said eff off I'd be inclined to say ignore it, but he was conscious enough to about how much room you had. If you don't like it, discuss it with him. Lucky if you have a spare room.....

RedRec · 23/03/2022 19:03

I would have dumped the loser the first time he peed in a cupboard.

XmeansX · 23/03/2022 19:33

Made me chuckle. He was asleep and you woke him up and he was grumpy.. in MN land LTB, in real life I’d be pissed off being woken up and probably would have said fuck off too

Moodycow78 · 23/03/2022 19:49

He was asleep after a couple drinks, you need to get over it, honestly if this is the worst thing going on in your life right now yabu 🙄

Original poster
PatButchersEarring · 23/03/2022 20:01

Ok. Thank you all for your replies and thank you for helping me put it into perspective. I actually feel loads better about it just by realising that others don't think it's a big deal. Thanks all.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/03/2022 20:29

Some posters may not think it a big deal but unlike you they don’t live with him.

This from him is really the latest in a long line of crap behaviour from him towards you. What did you think when he peed in the cupboard that time?.

It’s impossible to control another persons drinking. He was awake enough also to tell you that you had enough room. And there will be a next time he’ll be an arse towards you because he’s drunk too much again.

XmasElf10 · 23/03/2022 20:49

My DP talks, shouts and jumps about in his sleep. He genuinely cannot do anything about it, he is asleep. It’s a bit odd and can be disconcerting to have a random conversation that goes nowhere, sometimes involves shouting and swearing, occasionally involves arm waving, but I can’t fault him - he’s asleep!!

Gotajobthrunepotism · 23/03/2022 20:52

I’ve shared a bed with my mum on holiday and she’s hit me during the night. And she doesn’t even drink!

HunterHearstHelmsley · 23/03/2022 20:53

If it makes you feel any better...

I once karate kicked a door in my sleep because Dog the Bounty Hunter was chasing me.

TheVolturi · 23/03/2022 20:54

In my sleep I shagged Dudley Moore. I mean, Dudley Moore? Really? Am I broken or just twisted?

ldontWanna · 23/03/2022 21:02

OH will talk to me while he's asleep, asking and answering questions for example, and he makes sense/it's in context but he'll also have no recollection the next day. That's without the random sleep talking.

DD is the same, plus random shouting, walking around and what not. Just the other night she was shouting at me for dropping something on the side of the bed. I was reading and not moving and she was still asleep.Grin

I talk in my sleep too, but never have conversations.

It's not that it's not a big deal, it's more that it's not necessarily a reflection of your relationship/you/his feelings about you.

ineedsun · 23/03/2022 21:05

@HunterHearstHelmsley

If it makes you feel any better...

I once karate kicked a door in my sleep because Dog the Bounty Hunter was chasing me.

I think this is the best thing I’ve read today
WisherWood · 23/03/2022 21:09

I once woke my mum up when she was asleep on the sofa and she responded by telling me my shoes were ugly and she hated them. It was weird, because she seemed quite conscious and aware but it's really unlike her. I spoke to her about it the next day and she had no memory of this at all. So I think you can have some kind of waking awareness, in this case that the OP had room, whilst not really knowing what you're up to.

I prod my DP when he's snoring and he's sort of aware and unaware of what's going on. Aware enough to change position and stop snoring but he doesn't remember once he's properly awake.

In your case OP, the pissing in a wardrobe would bother me far more.

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 23/03/2022 21:12

Your being a bit ridiculous here.

My DH talks in his sleep constantly, sometimes it’s about work and sometimes he shouts. I don’t give him grief for it the next day!

TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 23/03/2022 21:15

The cupboard thing is grim but I really don't think you can hold him to account over sleeptalking. Just like I can't keep falling out with DH when I have dreamt he has cheated.

TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 23/03/2022 21:17

@ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor

Your being a bit ridiculous here.

My DH talks in his sleep constantly, sometimes it’s about work and sometimes he shouts. I don’t give him grief for it the next day!

I woke DH up one night last week about 2am demanding he fetch me my calculator and notebook then promptly went back to sleep. (Work stress is high and it always triggers weird sleep shit)
Cannotfindanewname · 23/03/2022 21:19

I drop elbowed DH in the head in my sleep the other night apparently 😬 I have no recollection of it, I was possibly dreaming. He told me, I apologised, we moved on and are still married. I think you're overreacting

Smartiepants79 · 23/03/2022 21:23

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Some posters may not think it a big deal but unlike you they don’t live with him.

This from him is really the latest in a long line of crap behaviour from him towards you. What did you think when he peed in the cupboard that time?.

It’s impossible to control another persons drinking. He was awake enough also to tell you that you had enough room. And there will be a next time he’ll be an arse towards you because he’s drunk too much again.

You know this is ‘latest in a long line of crap’ how?? The op I read mentioned 1 previous incident. And a remorseful DH who didn’t remember any of it. Have you never come across someone who behaves oddly in their sleep? My pacifist grandfather managed to break my grandmothers finger by grabbing her too hard in his sleep. He adores her and we’re married for 70 years. Another friend rearranged furniture in his sleep. As an incident on its own I feel it’s a huge overreaction.
UnderTheSkyInsideTheSea · 23/03/2022 21:25

The correct response would have been ‘Fuck off yourself, you drunk, starfishing twat. Now shove over and give me some room.’

Mocara · 23/03/2022 21:27

My mum always told us the best time to ask dad for money was when he was having his evening snooze in the arm chair.
For some bizzare reason he always saId yes 😁

BlackandJello · 23/03/2022 21:27

If my DH got annoyed everytime I did something in my sleep we'd definitely be divorced by now! I'm a terrible sleeper, well i sleep soundly but those around me don't 😆. I shout awful things sometimes (i've definitely told DH to fuck off), have hallucinations and sleep walk. Sadly my DS has inherited whatever weirdness it is too.

ArianaDumbledore · 23/03/2022 21:45

I think because his response was related to what you were waking him about is why it doesn't feel hilarious. Saying there was plenty of room and to fuck off is not the same as a lot of these examples. My husband has talked some shit when half-asleep, including believing he was a doctor on rounds(!), but I wouldn't be left holding my sides with the OPs scenario

TheLoupGarou · 23/03/2022 21:53

My husband once dreamed he was in Vietnam (war) and I woke up to him flinging his arm across me yelling "get down! Get the fuck down!"

He can't help what he does in his sleep OP!

Hollywolly1 · 23/03/2022 21:54

@MakeThingsRight
Brilliant 🤣🤣🤣