His past infidelity troubling me

[Struggl]

At the start (ish) of our relationship my boyf was unfaithful when I was away at university a few years back. It was with a close female friend and It went on for four months, so it wasn't a one-time bad decision.

I don't want to type out my life story, but it was really just God awful. He handled it appallingly at the time. Textbook shambles.

I left for nearly a year, and while it took him a very long time and a lot of sacrifices to put our life back together it would be fair to say he has been tireless in making amends and years on we are together.

I had so many doubts, but years on, he has made me very happy. If you looked at our relationship you'd characterise it as great. He's supported and looked after me and I don't think I can recall a day where he's not been loving and tried all he can to put it right.

We own a house together now. We're getting married. He looks back on that time in his life and says he feels disgust. Says he was young, drinking too much, had a weak ego and accepted the attention and I know he'd do anything to undo that year and all his choices. I think he's grown up and learned a lot and not in a million years do I think he'd ever do it again.

But despite being happy, I get very sad still. I find it hard to deal with the lies, betrayals, completely crap character and the fact that he was ultimately unfaithful and disloyal to the highest order. Sometimes I just get so sad about it. I think he still carries a massive amount of shame and guilt and that makes me sad too.

I am not even sure what the point of my post is, but I just feel very lonely sometimes because of this sadness. I know we have a good life and I shouldn't moan, but I carry this grief around still.

To those who stayed after an affair, did it always hurt like this?

To those who stayed after an affair, did it always hurt like this?

Yes. It never goes away and can't be undone. It will always come up regardless as you have experienced until now.
Not what you want to hear but it is what it is.

This just makes me sad. Thanks for the honest answer.

I sometimes feel like leaving, but the present is so good that it feels like a very hard choice to make.

I don't think you should leave if you're happy with him now. The thing that's making you unhappy is your brain remembering the past too often. It's not him making you unhappy now. He's attributed his mistake to various factors; being young is the one that stands out to me. He's got the maturity to think about why he made the mistake and to be honest to you in verbalising his reasoning why he did it and the disgust he feels.

Might CBT help in training your brain to stop remembering that painful time?

I think it's worth having some conversations with him and talking it out. I feel like this too after something similar with my partner who I broke up with when we were younger and then got back together with years later after he had grown up. There was a website called Affair Recovery that really helped both of us. As you said he has worked on making things better since and it sounds like he's trying.

He feeling of betrayal seeps deep into our bones. And then tiredness and resentment find root. We are not ourselves. I think it's ok to admit that fragility and to give the partner who is trying to make amends a chance to look after us a bit in those times.

To those who stayed after an affair, did it always hurt like this?

No, not in my experience.

I did indeed get to a place where you are (with an ex, but it ended for different reasons) and there was a pivotal moment when he acknowledged the circles we were going round in, and he was prepared to just accept that it was going to be like that. And our sadness. At that very moment (probably one of the few times in my life), I made a rational decision to put it behind me for good. And I did. It was actually far far easier than I could have imagine 10 minutes before these moment. It just took me so long to see there was a choice somewhere.

I don't know. Perhaps CBT might help.

Perhaps there's also an element of me feeling like a lot of it was swept under the carpet. He feels so much guilt and shame, still, that it's been difficult to ever really address is. Like you say, we are happy now, raking up the past feels hard.

I think I got all the apologies and answers about the actual affair but in many ways it was the shambolic way he handled the next bit that was worse.

I don't know how to describe it, but basically he didn't go full no-contact for many months. She was In his social group and he got very depressed at giving that up. He, on several occasions, comforted the upset affair partner and felt a lot of guilt towards her. He clearly had great difficulty at giving up the friendship element with her. Overall, they engaged in what appeared to be a fond breakup, rather than ending an affair and I endured that like a mug.

For me that was worse than the affair. And I don't think that was ever dealt with, although I have no idea how.

I agree with @Anyfeckinusername about the choice.

He hurt you back then. But he's not the one hurting you now. You are hurting yourself be continually remembering the betrayal.

Never goes away, I know from experience. Always always some doubt in your mind.

I'm saying that you I lived with it and was happy most of the time but it was tarnished, not the fairytale

He feels so much guilt and shame, still, that it's been difficult to ever really address is

So he betrayed you in a way that has caused you so much distress over the years, and yet his feelings of hurt take precedence?

Why isn't he putting your feelings and the health of the relationship over his own feelings, at least to the point where things can be discussed in full.

How is your relationship (as a couple) with conflict, in general? Do you talk things through when they come up, and resolve them in a way that's satisfactory to you both?

@LittleWhingingWoman in fairness, he has tried all he can and in the first year it was a warzone and he stuck by me. I do feel like we have more to talk about but I don't know how to do it. It's not about punishing him, but there's something missing that I need to move on.

warzone and he stuck by me

He stuck by you?

There's something odd going on in your dynamics, here. Somehow you feel bad for feeling bad, as if it's the wrong thing to feel.

@Anyfeckinusername Maybe it's that simple. Im not sure what I feel I need.

@Cheekyonetoo Yes, tarnished. In a lot of ways it's better. The love between us is tough as balls and going through this grew that, but I still grieve the tarnishing.

@Watchkeys I'm not saying he won't talk about it. He will. He'd do whatever to make me feel better. It's just that I don't like hurting him. We handle conflict generally really well. Neither of us is perfect but we always try to look after each other.

@Watchkeys I don't feel bad for feeling bad. I just feel like we went through the turbulent years of me crying all night and it feels a bit like I'm dragging up the past instead of looking forward. I don't feel bad for feeling bad, I just have mixed feelings which are a bit confused. I don't want to be sad anymore and I think he's been punished already and we are in a different place now. It's just hard to forget.

He'd do whatever to make me feel better. It's just that I don't like hurting him. We handle conflict generally really well. Neither of us is perfect but we always try to look after each other

You're looking after each other, but what's happening here is that you're looking after him, at the expense of looking after yourself and looking after the relationship.

Overall, they engaged in what appeared to be a fond breakup, rather than ending an affair and I endured that like a mug

Again, everybody is ok here and getting through as best they can, except for you, not taking care of yourself, and feeling like a mug instead. How's your self respect?

@Struggl it really was not simple I don’t think of it as simple and am not demeaning your experience to that. I probably felt I had only two choices, stay and be sad, or go. It was two years before I saw the third option, forgive. Just thinking about it now (haven’t thought about it in years) I c an remember sitting on the bed and feeling so tired by it all, and just deciding I was done with it. Done with getting upset about it, done with bringing it up, it was done.

But you have to feel heard to that point. And that can take a long time. You may well get there xxx

@Watchkeys I definitely feel angry at myself on hindsight for not walking away long before I actually did. I felt very degraded and that's not healed fully. That makes me sad.

I was still away at uni at the time and it was just shambolic. He broke his word so many times and I look back on the person he was then and can't believe it was him.

I did eventually walk away and the minute I did, it all completely stopped. He left his job, moved to where i was In uni and spent however long it took.

Maybe I'm angry with myself as well as him. I never had counselling about this. Maybe I should.

Your relationship with this man will never be the same. You need to think about this and realise this fact. If you're mourning the old relationship you'll never get past it, as that relationship is gone. It's like screwing up a piece of paper and ripping it. You can iron it, cellotape it back together and flatten it, but it will never be the same

@Anyfeckinusername Thank you. I didn't think you were demeaning xx I don't feel sad everyday. Probably once a month. But when I do it's almost as raw as it was then. I think I have forgiven. Where I'm at, I'm certain he hurt himself more than he hurt me. It was him who got depression and anxiety and hated himself and I didn't enjoy watching it. Not saying I excuse him, but he definitely paid a hell of a price. Its not about not forgiving. Its just aboit how much it hurts me still that he ever once did these things

@2DogsOnMySofa to be honest, I'd not want the old relationship back. We were dating then, but probably not that emotionally intimate. It was one dimensional. Now, we've lived a life, shared troubles, got through hard times and grown a much deeper and more solid relationship. I prefer the relationship now. I prefer him now, as going through this matured him and made him see life differently and face childhood issues and so on. If I thought our relationship was worse, I'd leave. It's more that the memories are very painful.

Don’t get married, at least not until you’ve had couples counselling.

At the very least, explore counselling for yourself.

I think it will always be painful for you - infidelity cuts deep and can leave scars. It’s how you manage those emotional scars, and for me having counselling really helped.

He left his job, moved to where i was In uni and spent however long it took

But he hasn't spent however long it took. You're looking at it as an issue that's in the past, but you're posting about it today. It's not in the past, and to suggest that it is is a denial of your own feelings. And that's exactly what you were doing when you didn't walk away in the first place.

I wonder what example you were set when you were growing up of what an adult relationship looks like? Did your parents pretend things were ok when they weren't? Did they respect each other and respect themselves?

Your relationship consists of your partner respecting what he thinks you feel, rather than what you actually feel. There's no wonder it feels wrong and constantly niggles at you. Your real self is being disrespected, firstly by you, and then by him, by dint of that.

I'll think about that thoughtful post

I'm listening to an audiobook right now about burnout - and specifically women with burnout. It might be worth listening to some supportive podcasts and books etc as you try and figure this all out - it sounds like you are exhausted and need to assess your emotions and feelings. Do you do any journaling? I find it really useful to help me process stuff that I'm burying or avoiding.
Can you get some counselling?

Writing sometimes helps me know what I'm thinking - and seeing it on the page helps me see if it's something I can do something about.
You can turn this round and heal.