His past infidelity troubling me

[Struggl]

At the start (ish) of our relationship my boyf was unfaithful when I was away at university a few years back. It was with a close female friend and It went on for four months, so it wasn't a one-time bad decision.

I don't want to type out my life story, but it was really just God awful. He handled it appallingly at the time. Textbook shambles.

I left for nearly a year, and while it took him a very long time and a lot of sacrifices to put our life back together it would be fair to say he has been tireless in making amends and years on we are together.

I had so many doubts, but years on, he has made me very happy. If you looked at our relationship you'd characterise it as great. He's supported and looked after me and I don't think I can recall a day where he's not been loving and tried all he can to put it right.

We own a house together now. We're getting married. He looks back on that time in his life and says he feels disgust. Says he was young, drinking too much, had a weak ego and accepted the attention and I know he'd do anything to undo that year and all his choices. I think he's grown up and learned a lot and not in a million years do I think he'd ever do it again.

But despite being happy, I get very sad still. I find it hard to deal with the lies, betrayals, completely crap character and the fact that he was ultimately unfaithful and disloyal to the highest order. Sometimes I just get so sad about it. I think he still carries a massive amount of shame and guilt and that makes me sad too.

I am not even sure what the point of my post is, but I just feel very lonely sometimes because of this sadness. I know we have a good life and I shouldn't moan, but I carry this grief around still.

To those who stayed after an affair, did it always hurt like this?

What age was he when this happened and what age is he now?

If you were happy, you wouldn't be posting. Being happy mostly and then being knocked flat once a month or so is an unhealthy relationship. You could have a relationship where you were simply happy. That relationship could be simply with yourself, or with another person too.

He lied and lied and then brushed your feelings under the rug, which is where they're peeking out from now, on this thread, because they desperately need to be heard, and even here you're trying to squash them into submission by repeatedly claiming to be happy.

People in happy relationships don't post on forums about their partner's lying affecting them. People in happy relationships don't get knocked down by negative emotions on a regular basis. People in happy relationships don't compare themselves in a 'who is more into who' or 'who has higher/lower self esteem'. This is all ego driven stuff, and healthy relationships don't call on the ego, they are driven by love.

You don't seem to want to see this, though, and so have got yourself into a situation now where you've posted because you're unhappy, but are now defending yourself by saying 'mostly I'm happy'. That's what's happening inside you, too. You are in denial because you don't want to admit that this relationship doesn't work due to his past infidelity.

OP you sound so much like me in my early 20s when I found out, after staying faithful to my childhood boyfriend while away at uni, that he had been cheating on me the whole time with various women. He begged my forgiveness and said he had ruined his life and that throwing away our relationship was like throwing away a winning lottery ticket and my goodness was I tempted to forgive him and crawl back into that comfortable relationship. But I just refused to and it was so tough. I didn’t think I’d ever find love like that again.

I was pretty lost and miserable for two years but I had a lot of fun as well going out with friends and meeting lots of new people, living the life I should have been living while at uni. I look back on that time fondly now but at the time he was always begging me to forgive him and it was so hard to resist. After two years I met the man I went on to marry and I haven’t looked back since (well I do look back but only to shudder at how different things could have been if I’d given in and gone back to him).

It’s not going to be easy but honestly I’m so glad I didn’t go back. It’s not too late for you. Strike out on your own, you’re still so young and you can have so much fun discovering who you are as a person without him and this past dragging you down. It won’t be easy but it will be worth it I promise.

So much what @Nosetickle said, I had a very similar experience in my early 20s and looking back I was just scared of not knowing who I was outside that relationship.

Was this your first serious relationship? I think that experience can blind you a bit, you end up feeling so grateful that they were your person after all that you really try to overlook how entirely they disrespected you as a person. But over time, as you've found, you realise more and more that they deliberately hurt you and abused your trust. Find out who you are without him.

Perhaps, op, at the very least you should puy the wedding on the long arm.

It must feel quite pressured to be planning a wedding with this in your mind.

I have to say when people on herd tells you to get CBT deal with your feelings/sadness about this, it seems to me like telling someone to take painkillers be arsed someone punched them hard, while not doing anything about the person who punched you hard.

I tend to think "wtf should she get cbt to help accept unacceptable behaviour? She might ge better getting cbt to help get past her fear of letting the relationship go, of not meeting someone "better etc.

As for getting on well with him etc - it's not unique. Lots of ppl can get on well and be happy as partners. How many other partners have you had to compare and contrast (?)

*because, not be arsed

Oh and in general, I agree with people who think cheating is a type of abuse.

I take it most of your friends and family back.home knew about him being involved with this "friend"/having the 2 of you on the go for months? That's extra humiliation cruelty etc. on top of the cheating.

What did you family make of what he did back then?
I have ro say if it was my daughter, I'd ve wishing much much better for her, and thinking "really, I have to be happy watching her tie her self for life tenths little cheating, lyin, disloyal toe rag?, a lot of gin will be needed. And his character will probably come out again when she's totally tied in with kids etc.".,

I totally believe a relationship can be saved after an affair, but I think you both need individual and joint counselling before you commit to each other any further.

He had lower self esteem, from childhood, and he finds flattery appealing

I wonder if your instinct is picking up his vulnerability to an affair. Perhaps something that he does/or says causes you to feel uneasy as it highlights he hasn't yet become resilient to affairs. Is he emotionally open, will he share when he feels in need of an ego boost?

I'm a big believer in trusting your instinct. Looking back I regret never trusting that instinct that kept trying to warn me. I invalidated my own feelings- are you doing this too?

@Tamworth123

Oh and in general, I agree with people who think cheating is a type of abuse.

I take it most of your friends and family back.home knew about him being involved with this "friend"/having the 2 of you on the go for months? That's extra humiliation cruelty etc. on top of the cheating.

What did you family make of what he did back then?
I have ro say if it was my daughter, I'd ve wishing much much better for her, and thinking "really, I have to be happy watching her tie her self for life tenths little cheating, lyin, disloyal toe rag?, a lot of gin will be needed. And his character will probably come out again when she's totally tied in with kids etc.".,

I believe it can be a type of abuse too.

However if he was in his early 20s at the time (just guessing if they are roughly the same age and the OP was in Uni) then after a year apart, making all the sacrifices and working tirelessly to fix it...and then being together for 4 more years it's also not really fair for him to continue to be punished for it or to be made out to be an absolute scumbag.

If it was my daughter I wouldn't want her to stay in a relationship where she had to deal with the upset and sadness that she couldn't get past... but likewise if it was my son who had cheated (at a young age) I wouldn't think it was a healthy happy relationship for him to be in either if she couldn't get past it.

I’m sorry but I don’t think it matters what age you are, cheating is a horrible thing to do to someone so him being young is no excuse. The only thing that could remotely excuse it is if you were both cheating on each other as a pp said and maybe then you could draw a line under it and say we’re both as bad as each other. You deserve each other.

I think cheating happens when someone is not getting something they need from the relationship and they look for it elsewhere. Often the person cheating is deeply insecure and needs validation that they are attractive to others. Or they are just turned on by the new and unknown, which is a vicious cycle that will never end. Counselling might help but only you know if having someone treat you like that is a dealbreaker. As much as you want this to work, I think your instincts are telling you something OP and that little voice isn’t going to get quieter, it’s going to get louder and louder and it will be so much more difficult to cut and run when you’re married with children.

I’m sorry but I don’t think it matters what age you are, cheating is a horrible thing to do to someone so him being young is no excuse.

I agree that it is a horrible thing to do no matter what age a person is, but the point I was making is that if someone was very young they can do things that they would never do when they are older.

Someone who makes a mistake at 20 or so has to be able to be allowed to get past it. I don't think they should have to go through their entire adult life being punished for that mistake or having to make up for it. Often people can barely relate to the person they were when they were that age as they get older.

That doesn't mean that the OP has to forgive and forget....but if she can't then it's best to end the relationship.

Something someone said to me when I was going through it was ‘a leopard doesn’t change its spots’ and I just kept telling myself that whenever I was tempted to go back and it helped.

@bluesberry yes fair enough I see your point, but I really don’t think it’s possible to get past it by staying with the same partner, particularly when you’re that young. Maybe if you have a lot to lose and you’re older and more tired together it’s worth a shot but not when you’re young and free and just starting out. Why saddle yourself with what you know for a fact is a lame horse.

@Nosetickle
I agree completely. Very few people get past it, ideally they would never have got back together in the first place....because now they have a house together, they're planning on getting married, she also said he's made her very happy in these past few years.....so it would be a painful break up.

But the other side of it is she can come out of the other side of the painful break up and start a brand new relationship that isn't tainted!

Sit down. And have an open discussion. But before you do, say you want to do this so you can finally put it to bed and forget about it.
And I'm talking really open. Say everything you've said here. He might not even need to respond. Maybe you just saying it out loud how it still makes u feel will be enough to help you move forward.

Yes absolutely. Incidentally I was engaged and owned a house when I found out my boyfriend had cheated on me, those are pretty easy things to get out of. I wasn’t happy though. I might have thought I was happy as I was young, he was my first proper relationship and I didn’t know any different. Now with hindsight and perspective I can see I wasn’t happy at all. It took ages to get over how rubbish it all made me feel, I might not even really be over it now. But at least I don’t still have to look at the person who caused me so much pain and share my life with them.

I have been in a similar situation to you.

I can honestly say I don’t feel the same about my partner as I did before he had the affair. It showed me a side of his character I didn’t like and a weakness in him that I didn’t expect. That said we stayed together and I accepted that life and love are not perfect. There will always be things that tarnish a relationship. Things that happen that get in the way of the fairy tale we all hope for.

Love is real life. It’s imperfect. It can be sad and disappointing.

What you have is commitment though. Stronger than love which is often fleeting.

My partner and I have been together for 17 years now. I will never forget what he did. I will never forget how I felt. And I don’t forgive him for what happened. I do accept it, however, as part of life and I am stronger for having been through it. If we parted and I met someone else, there would likely be other imperfections or things I might find difficult to live with or tolerate.

Most of all OP forgive yourself for feeling the way you do. Accepting that it is ok to have those thoughts is the first step towards moving forwards.

I wish you well.

Thank you to everyone. He was 23 at the time, he's just about to turn 30 now. As there were two more years I was at uni before we properly got back together.

I did talk to him for quite a few hours tonight and he listened, answered what he could and told me he would do whatever I needed. He was characteristically gentle, loving and kind and I was reminded of all the reasons I chose to take him back.

I think I need help processing some of it, so we agreed we would get a course of counselling to help me along with getting the sense of closure I feel I need to put it behind me. He said he will look online in the morning, stroked my hair while I cried and pottered around doing the washing up and making sure I was fed.

I feel like listening to you all helped me a lot today too. Thanks for the advice and perspectives. Our wedding will be just the two of us (my choice) so there's no fanfare. It's not really my thing.

There’s nothing else he can do to make amends, he’s suffered and you’ve suffered. You chose to take him back warts and all so you really need to move on. Counselling might help but if you don’t deal with it it will hang like a black cloud over your relationship. I don’t personally think you should Marry him

I think you can either choose to put it behind you, or decide once and for all that you can't, and the damage is irreparable.
You may need help to come to that decision, or perhaps it will come to you as you consider where this is all leading to.

It wouldn't be wrong, whichever way you decide it goes, but you are the person who needs to call time on it, if there is nothing left worth saving.

You're not happy with the present though, are you? If you were, it's unlikely you'd be on Mumsnet posting this.

You saw another side to your boyfriend and despite how great he's being now, you don't view him the same way anymore. Your trust has been badly damaged. A lot of people find out what bad things their partner us capable of doing years, if not a decade or more into the relationship. You found that out early on, but then you're probably wrestling with the fact that some people change and genuienly regret what they did.

You are now years on in your relationship. Don't you think that by now, you would know if you were capable of fully forgiving and moving on?

Hindsight is a wonderful thing! I'm twenty years older than you and if you were my daughter I would feel so sad that you were dealing with all this at what should be the best years of your life. So, I shall put myself in your shoes.

I would absolutely put the wedding plans on the back burner for a bit whilst you focus on counselling/therapy and reconciling things in your mind. Be honest with yourself about how he is NOW and whether you want to spend the rest of your life with this man. If you decide to stay with him, then you need to really move on from the past. In his defence, he was very young/inexperienced and behaved like a bloody idiot.

I'm back now with my old head on! Relationships are about compromise but only to a point. Do not suppress your true self and feelings EVER because, trust me, the resentment will eventually seep out in other ways and make you both miserable. Lots of us on here have been through divorces and bereavements and we're still standing! Learn to listen to your inner voice. Peace of mind is absolutely everything.

Counselling sounds like a positive way forward. Maybe have some sessions just for yourself too.

Be kind to yourself for feeling the way you do. It’s really challenging when trust is damaged and it’s a difficult decision to make.

Fact is we never really know another person. Never. Getting married is a leap of faith and the future is undetermined. No doubt having been through what you have has led you to question everything and you have recognised your boyfriend is not perfect. None of us are.

Have the counselling. And whatever you decide, I wish you the very best.

@IsThePopeCatholic

I totally believe a relationship can be saved after an affair, but I think you both need individual and joint counselling before you commit to each other any further.

I think this is often down to circumstances;the things that stand out here is that you say you were at university so I'm assuming the affair happened when you were both very young possibly still only teenagers,you were separated by distance for a long time and I imagine through those 3 years you both were going through a lot of changes in regards to your emotional health and personal development.

Only you can know if you feel you can move on past this and feel you can trust him.