His past infidelity troubling me

[Struggl]

At the start (ish) of our relationship my boyf was unfaithful when I was away at university a few years back. It was with a close female friend and It went on for four months, so it wasn't a one-time bad decision.

I don't want to type out my life story, but it was really just God awful. He handled it appallingly at the time. Textbook shambles.

I left for nearly a year, and while it took him a very long time and a lot of sacrifices to put our life back together it would be fair to say he has been tireless in making amends and years on we are together.

I had so many doubts, but years on, he has made me very happy. If you looked at our relationship you'd characterise it as great. He's supported and looked after me and I don't think I can recall a day where he's not been loving and tried all he can to put it right.

We own a house together now. We're getting married. He looks back on that time in his life and says he feels disgust. Says he was young, drinking too much, had a weak ego and accepted the attention and I know he'd do anything to undo that year and all his choices. I think he's grown up and learned a lot and not in a million years do I think he'd ever do it again.

But despite being happy, I get very sad still. I find it hard to deal with the lies, betrayals, completely crap character and the fact that he was ultimately unfaithful and disloyal to the highest order. Sometimes I just get so sad about it. I think he still carries a massive amount of shame and guilt and that makes me sad too.

I am not even sure what the point of my post is, but I just feel very lonely sometimes because of this sadness. I know we have a good life and I shouldn't moan, but I carry this grief around still.

To those who stayed after an affair, did it always hurt like this?

At one point I remember writing something about needing to ask my partner to do a specific thing to help me with triggers.

It was things like that which I uncovered through journaling - stuff that was hurting and that I needed solutions for. I would write and also talk on forums as you are now doing and get to reflect on what I needed. It's a process - not an end point.

Sorry, but you've made a massive mistake in taking back this man. So much of your relationship is tanished by sadness and betrayal that you will never get over. What's the point? What a terrible waste of your life.

That's a good idea @LittleWhingingWoman

You should have ended the relationship back then.

He was long term, repetitively unfaithful, ran both you and another woman as two partners at the same time, and didn't even end it cleanly when caught. You pro ably thought because he ran after you when you finally left, that you were his priority, but you can't that with him cheating on you with another woman for months, so your head is naturally wrecked.

I'd say the reason you're thinking about it now is thst you're nearing major commitment with him, and your brain is telling you he's not trustworthy, what if he does similar again at some point.

*you can't square that

All this affair recovery, trigger, journalism bullshit.

Almost to try to accept the unacceptable.

You're struggling becshse your brain your instincts are telling you it's wrong, and you're over-ruling it.

You could have an untarnished relationship with someone else.

*journalling

Oh and there is always a lack of equality, parity etc in relationships where one person accepts cheating and being betrayed. They set their value in the relationship lower.

The other person was willing to risk losing the relationship with them; no ifs, buts, ands or maybes.

I've had to do the same. You're sad because that's your truer self coming through, the part of yourself that knows you can't be with this man. Good for him that he's matured and wouldn't do it again etc. But you deserve more than the man who could do that to you. Your life is too important to spend tethered to someone that caused you such pain, that still hurts you, even now. It hurts to let go of something you wanted, but it'll hurt you more to live a life wondering if this is good enough.

Also do you think the young woman he cheated on you with, after she got through the pain of being rejected/discarded; is spending her relationship thinking about this, suffering because of this, subconsciously shitting herself about commitment because of this, years later?

Unlikely.

He may have picked you when you finally left the situation back then, but it seems like she actually got the better deal (even if she didn't realise it at the time).

Something similar happened to me. It broke me and I found it really tough to get through.
Like you, a lot happened and we worked through it all and got back together. We really tried with the relationship.
There was stuff we had to work through and j had lots of questions and needed reassurance.
Every now and then I’d have a day where it would hit me again and i felt like i was reliving it all. It became all consuming. I spoke to my partner, explained how I was feeling but it was obvious to him that it really was affecting me.
He was doing everything he could. Years had passed since it originally happened.
We went to couple counselling which then changed into therapy for me. It was something I had to work through, it was my self esteem and my issues to get past. My partner was open and was hurting thag he caused it.
A year has passed since the therapy and I’m
In a better place. We are happy, we love each other and we trust each other. He knows he made a huge mistake but we have honestly moved past that now and I think if you’re both open, raw and honest with each other and want to make it work then you can!

I'd imagine the other reason this is in your mind is that you're wedding planning, and weddings are all about the romance, the couple's love, commitment .... you expect to see as the bridesmaid grooma couple who love each other, have treated each other decently, have not run other people alongside their spouse to be ..... it may be rather idealised and idealistic, but i suppose its what's expected.

Being a couple getting married (or knowing as an attendee) a couple getting married where ones been unfaithful to the other, even if it wasn't recent, does tend to taint it, take the shine off etc. Who.could wonder at you being sad, and feeling uncomfortable to some extent while planning the event that's suppisedly all about the couples love for each other, commitment to each other etc.

*you expect to see, as the bride and groom

One other point that seems important; initially i thought the story was that your bf had gone away to uni and cheated ... when I realised you had gone away to uni and he'd cheated on you with his "friend" while you were doing that, I found it almost ironic.

You were at the place with loads of single young people, loads of pulling opportunities, loads of drinks, parties, student union, fresher week, loads of hookups, loads of ppl (in my experience) cheating on both partners at home and short term partners met at uni. It can be quire drink filled, quite pulling oriented, quite hedonistic, principles and consequences are perhaps not foremost among young ppl whose brains have only just developed to maturity ...... yet you were faithful!!!! (while he moved onto his "mate" at home behind your back, and kept the two of you going).

That makes you someone with pretty high standards and morals and responsibility and decency.

Therefore you may have even more trouble accepting and understanding his infidelity.

I know some couples (Inc married) where both cheated to some extent when young, and both are aware/could guess; so I suppose they can shrug their shoulders and say to themselves "well I did abc, im no saint". That isn't the case for you apparently.

You've stuck yourself with this guy whose integrity is lower than yours. Maybe that's a big part of it.

How long have you been together this time?

My boyfriend I was with at uni cheated on me repeatedly then spent the next two years trying to win me back. It was tough as I still very much loved him and he was so remorseful. I just kept telling myself I deserved better and I did and I am very happy now and he is not. It’s sad but in my opinion the relationship is dead once there’s no trust. I don’t ever regret my decision not to take him back and reading what you have written I’m sure I would have felt much the same as you. I’m sure you deserve better too and it will be tough by you will get it one day I’m sure.

Thanks, I am reading, just also at work.

Four years together this time.

@Tamworth123 love your post, it was exactly my situation too and you are spot on.

I have to be honest in saying I'm worried I won't find better too.

Is that a self-esteem problem? It feels to me like what we currently have is great. I worry I'd find it difficult to get on with someone else as well or enjoy life as much with someone else.

If I left he'd be devastated but a little part of me does feel like he deserved to lose me.

I have very conflicting feelings about all of it.

I have very conflicting feelings about all of it

Healthy relationships don't feel conflicted. And yes, thinking you won't find better than a relationship you feel conflicted about is a self esteem problem. What makes you think you can't have a brilliant relationship with harmony and without conflict?

I've just never met anyone I gel with so well. I like the relationship we have a lot.

I don't think him cheating hurt my self esteem much, I've got too stable a sense of self to let anyone do that. But it hurt my self esteem that i tolerated and forgave things I know should have been unforgivable.

I always felt, pre-affair, he was the one more into me. I was the vivacious one with a choice of suitors and he was kind of the underdog. I didn't cheat on him at uni (or after he cheated) because I don't need external validation.

He had lower self esteem, from childhood, and he finds flattery appealing. Or he did at the time. I think he was gobsmacked she was after him and just liked how it felt to be so desired.

He's ashamed of that now. I forgive him that, because like I say I think he paid his own price. The irony being I think me staying with him just made him feel less worthy of me than he did before.

It's been a journey anyway.

I am all tearful today as I'm just sitting here wishing he'd never done what he did so I didn't have to be sad (sorry for the self pity I know people have things much worse)

It sounds simplistic to say but it's hard to read and not just think, but why put yourself through it? A new relationship wouldn't be frought with all this sadness. You don't NEED to settle for it, you could easily be with someone that doesn't bring a profound sense of sadness along with the good.

So he was the underdog? And you felt that he deserved for you to leave him?

It's sounding a lot like the reason you haven't left is because you feel safe with him because you think you're superior, and other things you've said about yourself would hint towards you needing that dynamic, too.

It's all looking very uncomfortable, and, yes, you're right, no healthy relationship will be able to complete with the ego boost here. So, if you don't want to deal with taking responsibility for yourself, and you want to continue using someone else's behaviour as a way to inform your own emotional state, then stay.

I'm just sitting here wishing he'd never done what he did so I didn't have to be sad

If you don't want to be sad, move on. Stop wishing the past was different, can you not see it's a royal waste of your time?

I have to be honest in saying I'm worried I won't find better too.

I've just never met anyone I gel with so well.

You've never given yourself a chance to meet other people, though. I have a daughter very close in age to you, and I would be so heartbroken if she settled the way you have. You have done such a disservice to yourself by settling for a relationship that has such a massive black mark on it, that clearly makes you so sad.

I've been very happily married for 25+ years, and I can't imagine living with this black cloud hanging over my relationship that you, for some reason, are willing to put up with. I highly doubt your relationship will go the distance. I think all of this sadness you feel will turn into contempt and resentment.

@Watchkeys that feels a bit like a leap. The last thing on earth he felt was safe or secure. It took years to feel that. I stay because as I said I'm mostly happy.

@HellToTheNope It's lovely to hear you've been happily narried for 25 years. I envy those stories (not in a bad way) but it must be a lovely thing to have.