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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

BF told me he had Schizophrenia

91 replies

IReallyLikeCheese · 20/03/2022 18:42

As in past tense. But a little reading tells me it's a life long condition. He is very against any kind of medication (even pain killers) so I know he's not medicated, but I know he has weekly counselling.

Last night he got up in the middle of the night as he was convinced I had left croissants in the oven and they were burning. (We didn't buy the croissants). I didn't think anything of it at the time, but he's been very withdrawn since, and with a little perspective it looks like it was a small delusion. He's under a lot of stress at work and this is the first thing I've seen like this.

The relationship is only 5 months in, and I'm just out of a 22 year marriage so I'm very fragile. I really like him but I'm not sure how much of a red flag I should treat this as. I have a teenage DD with mental heath issues to consider.

OP posts:
BlueBeeSpots · 20/03/2022 18:44

Does he smoke weed or do any other drugs? I’d be very wary if so as that will decrease his ability to keep a grip on reality

Karwomannghia · 20/03/2022 18:53

Yes you’re right. He may not have had an episode for a while so hopes it’s in the past but it could crop up again sadly. It’s such a cruel illness.

APineForestInWinter · 20/03/2022 19:02

You definitely need to put your child(Ren) first.

If you're not sure that he's being realistic about his condition (e.g. thinking it's in the past) then perhaps you could speak to him about it. If he's not open to talking about his schizophrenia, how it affects him, past episodes, treatment, warning signs etc then I'd find that worrying.

supertedious · 20/03/2022 19:09

It's great that he is engaging with weekly counselling but from professional experience, I feel medication is required. I do think you should put yourself and daughter first. It sounds like you are on eggshells looking for signs that another episode could happen/ be happening. I would personally find that exhausting.

Theala · 20/03/2022 19:14

I would suggest running far, far away from an unmedicated schizophrenic. My brother suffers from schizophrenia and refuses medicine and it's made my life x5 harder than it needs to be. And I don't even live with him. Seriously, get out now before you become involved.

Whatonearth07957 · 20/03/2022 19:16

Maybe at this early stage it's time to support your daughter and cool things with the new boyfriend. There's only so much of your bandwidth you have to go round. It's harsh but this is a new relationship that's already got you worrying.

Totalwasteofpaper · 20/03/2022 19:18

Run, don't walk.

Your DD needs to come first.

Byeeefornow · 20/03/2022 19:19

Is your daughter there at night when your boyfriend stays over?

EarringsandLipstick · 20/03/2022 19:21

That sounds really strange OP. He's not medicated? That doesn't sound correct ie that he'd be having therapy without being on meds.

I wonder if he's being fully upfront with the facts? Does he actually have a diagnosis of schizophrenia? (As opposed to believing it himself?)

LizDoingTheCanCan · 20/03/2022 19:22

People can have a single episode of schizophrenia and go back to living a normal life. You need to have a chat him about his own experience, as every person's story will be different.

I wouldn't put too much emphasis on the croissants thing, we've all had weird dreams at times that we jump up and think something has happened. I dream that I've heard the doorbell go, quite disturbing at the time and feels very real. That's just our brain's way of processing the day.

PinotPony · 20/03/2022 19:24

I have a friend with schizophrenia. He's godfather to my children. He takes meds, doesn't drink or do drugs. He's usually fine but can have relapses, for example when a colleague committed suicide, he was greatly affected and needed some extra help.

I don't think you necessarily have to view this news as a danger but I would question why he's not medicated, especially as he seems to be having episodes.

PenelopeProsser · 20/03/2022 19:27

A family member has a serious MH condition and early relationship stages are really hard - declare too much and you put people off. Don't declare enough and it later looks like you lied.

The information you have now sounds wrong. Schizophrenia doesn't go away. I'd ask him about it and if you don't get straight answers end it. Being in a LTR with someone with a serious long term MH condition needs honesty and commitment on both sides.

It can also be extremely challenging and given the age of your daughter something that needs to be entered into with a lot of thought. My family member and their partner deliberately don't have children as balancing medication/ relapses/ relationships/ jobs was too much for the otherwise good partner to contemplate.

And withdrawn behaviour/ strange thoughts could very well be the beginning of a relapse - if it were my family member those things would worry me.

gamerchick · 20/03/2022 19:32

No way would i date a man with this kind of condition unmedicated. Just no.

Save yourself some heartache.

ZaraSizeMedium · 20/03/2022 19:32

Having worked in a secure forensic mental health unit, I’m sorry but I would run like the wind from a partner with unmedicated schizophrenia.

Pegsonstrings · 20/03/2022 19:43

Is tour boyfriend open to further discussion on this? If he cares about you and himself he should be open about his last relapse and when he was diagnosed. If he takes medication and then what medication does he take? What happened prior to the diagnosis and how old was he? Don’t dismiss him but do be firm that you need to know as much about how he suffers and what it might look like if he is having an episode, this way you will know how to react and help if you stay with him. Is he becomes aloof and refuses to discuss things I would pack a bag. If he is grown up about it and willing to talk openly then consider what life may look like with him and your role in it as this will impact you.

Sounds like he is in denial if he thinks this is a one time only thing. People who are diagnosed with this condition have this for life

Original poster
IReallyLikeCheese · 20/03/2022 20:11

He said he was diagnosed and took meds for a couple of years but hated the side effects. He said it was an extreme but isolated thing. This was over 25 years ago. My daughter is sometimes there there when he comes over yes. (I don't have much in the way of childcare)

I had a boyfriend at uni that concealed mental illness (bipolar), and drip fed and down played it when he did reveal. He refused all treatment and ended up stalking meat one point. So I am a little twitchy... but bf didn't have to tell me about his past and so long as he's been truthful it doesn't seem like it should be a dealbreaker. But I think I need to talk to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
IReallyLikeCheese · 20/03/2022 20:19

@BlueBeeSpots

Does he smoke weed or do any other drugs? I’d be very wary if so as that will decrease his ability to keep a grip on reality
No, he doesn't do any recreational drugs, but drinks alcohol (although not in excess)
OP posts:
Santaslittlemelter · 20/03/2022 20:19

He’s tested your boundaries and so far you’ve passed.

5mths in and already an incident.

OP wake up.

Midlifemusings · 20/03/2022 20:23

Schizophrenia is like most other illnesses and can be mild, moderate or severe. It can be chronic of episodic and in some cases there may be very few episodes. I don't know his age but it is usually diagnosed in men in their late teens / eary twenties so if he has had 20 years of managing this (assuming he is near your age coming out of a 22 year relationship) then he likely knows himself well and has seemingly done a good job of managing it and staying in contact with a health care provider.

Not everyone with schizophrenia needs medication for life. Treatment has come a long way. With early intervention and ongoing support and monitoring there are a percentage of individuals with schizophrenia who remain very functional throughout life.

KELLOGSspeck · 20/03/2022 20:34

Honestly I would be running for the hills too.

user1470132907 · 20/03/2022 21:00

I think @Midlifemusings makes excellent points. For me, I would want to know whether his weekly appointments were a private counsellor or NHS? If the latter, then they can connect him to any other help he needs (e.g. psychiatry). I have a life long MH condition and see a psych nurse weekly for talking treatment. If it’s a private counsellor then I find that a bit weird but at least he is managing things to an extent.

If he really has gone as long as he says without a relapse, I wouldn’t be too stressed but I guess I depends whether you believe him.

ugifletzet · 20/03/2022 21:12

@ZaraSizeMedium

Having worked in a secure forensic mental health unit, I’m sorry but I would run like the wind from a partner with unmedicated schizophrenia.
I've also worked in a similar setting, and I think we need to bear in mind that secure units treat only a tiny minority of people experiencing psychosis - most people with a schizophrenia diagnosis will never need to be in such a place and OP's boyfriend is unlikely to resemble your former patients. If he's been off meds for 25 years and he's never once been hospitalised in that time, it sounds like he's very stable.

To echo a previous poster, I'd also be cautious of describing someone as delusional based on how they behave in the night when they're half-asleep. I've sometimes woken up from a dream and needed a couple of minutes to register what was really going on around me. That's normal. Be careful you don't start seeing what you expect to see, OP. It's always good to be cautious with a new partner but make sure you don't start reading things into his behaviour that aren't necessarily there.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/03/2022 22:09

Five months in
Already a psychotic break / hallucination
You have a teenage daughter
He admits stress is a trigger
He drinks despite his diagnosis
He is in unmedicated which is against the advice of any doctor for people with schizophrenia
You're fresh out of a long relationship

Honestly, mate, you would be completely irresponsible and doing your child a disservice if you continue this relationship.

It would be so, so, so unfair on her for you to do so. And unfair on you too, but at least you have a choice. She doesn't.

Please do the right thing.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/03/2022 22:11

He is in unmedicated which is against the advice of any doctor for people with schizophrenia

Happy to be corrected by PPs on this as it sounds like my knowledge may be outdated.

I stand by the rest of my post though.

colouringindoors · 20/03/2022 22:14

Run away.

No-one "had" Schizophrenia. And no meds??? Massive amount of red flags.

Don't do this.