BF told me he had Schizophrenia

[IReallyLikeCheese]

As in past tense. But a little reading tells me it's a life long condition. He is very against any kind of medication (even pain killers) so I know he's not medicated, but I know he has weekly counselling.

Last night he got up in the middle of the night as he was convinced I had left croissants in the oven and they were burning. (We didn't buy the croissants). I didn't think anything of it at the time, but he's been very withdrawn since, and with a little perspective it looks like it was a small delusion. He's under a lot of stress at work and this is the first thing I've seen like this.

The relationship is only 5 months in, and I'm just out of a 22 year marriage so I'm very fragile. I really like him but I'm not sure how much of a red flag I should treat this as. I have a teenage DD with mental heath issues to consider.

I have found it really sad to read the responses on this thread... Mental health stigma is alive and kicking: it seems it is only "OK not to be OK" if your mental health issue is relatively mild, understandable and won't cause the people around you too much bother.

Of course the symptoms of schizophrenia can be frightening, hard to understand and have the potential to cause harm to the individual and those around them... It's also true that the side effects of antipsychotic medication can be awful and impact hugely on a person's quality of life.

Some people with schizophrenia can and do recover, especially with early intervention. Unfortunately some will be troubled by symptoms throughout their lives. Others may experience negative symptoms (apathy, lethargy, social withdrawal) rather than the positive symptoms which most people associate with psychosis (delusions, hallucinations etc).

As with any other health issue, each person's experience and the course of their illness will be unique. OP - the only person who will be able to give you this account is your DP.

Whether you believe it or not, and what you choose to do with the information is a different matter. And of course your DC's safety is paramount - if you're feeling twitchy perhaps.you are simply not ready for a relationship right now?

In any case, I do not believe a history of serious mental health problems should be an automatic red flag but it's sensible to educate yourself about the reality of living with such symptoms!

It’s also ok to decide you’re not going to date someone with serious mental health problems because you know the impact they can have on you and your life. I wouldn’t date someone with a serious mental health issue; it’s not what I’d want in a partner. It’s not stigma to say that it’s a red flag - someone with serious issues may not be capable of having the sort of relationship I would want to be in or being the partner I would want. Not taking medication is potentially a red flag; and when you have a child you have to be extra vigilant about who you let into your lives

@Shoxfordian - I don't disagree with you entirely, but there has been some things presented as fact on this thread that are simply untrue and the stigma/societal discrimination faced by those with schizophrenia/their families and carers undoubtedly makes life so much harder for them and stops people getting help when they need it, so needs to be challenged!

For what it's worth, I actually think that the schizophrenia/croissant incident is a bit of a red herring here... Perhaps the thing that is making the OP twitchy is the realisation that they know very little of this person's life/history and yet they are becoming a more permanent fixture in their lives and the life of their DC. For me, this twitchiness would be the red flag, rather than the schizophrenia itself - OP, you do not need permission or a reason to end the relationship if it does not feel right for you or your DC!

Hi OP. I am struggling with the fact he is not medicated for such a serious mental health condition. My BIL is schizophrenic and suffers terribly and is heavily medicated. He still has episodes even with the medication although not as bad as he used to be. We shouldn’t discriminate against mental health but also the fact he’s unmedicated would be a huge red flag. Don’t put yourself through this.

@girlfrombackthen

I agree that the stigma or wrong information should be challenged but it’s still ok to make a personal choice that you wouldn’t date someone with a serious mental health issue. I agree with you about the op too, maybe it’s too much for a short relationship

I would say run, and I have had direct experience with my ex who had schizophrenia, he has been sectioned multiple times, he was so bad he use to accuse me of not being a real person. (I was an actress according to him) it started off as little things but escalated to the point where he believed I was sent into his life to trick him and to have his children. It was awful. I wouldn’t get involved in a situation like that again (he didn’t have it when I met him)

There are good reasons for people to suggest that the OP steps away from this relationship. It's not discriminating against people with mental health issues, it's assessing the situation (where there are some notable red flags) and making a decision with your wellbeing and that of your child in mind.

I had a schizophrenic mother, who claimed that she 'used to be bipolar but was cured'. She didn't want to accept the real diagnosis. She had periods of being stable when she was medicated but overall it was extremely difficult to live with her and it has left huge trauma to be honest.

Hi, side effects are a valid reason for being off medication, but only with the support and agreement of psychiatry. Do you know if this is the case?
Others have said that everyone can be confused in the middle of the night, and I agree. BUT he got up to investigate non-existent croissants and that, imo, is more serious than waking up and being a bit befuddled for a minute.
Not sure what you should do, OP, it's up to you, but you are not wrong to have significant concerns about potential deterioration in a very serious mental illness.

Our friend's son has a diagnosis of schizophrenia as does a relative. It has had a massive impact on them, family relationships, etc.
His evasiveness - not giving you enough information about his diagnosis and the counselling, saying he had it and his refusal to take any kind of medication - are the red flags here.
This is not a good relationship for you. You're just out of a ltr. By your own admission, you're fragile.
He is already filtering information, has shown you he has very firm ideas about not taking medication and you've had the croissant incident.
This is the best time to end this. Don't get more emotionally involved.

Sounds like he is progressing like the ex boyfriend did.

Doesn't mention a peep about it until he knows you are smitten with him, therefore taking away your choice.
So he's withheld important information to be deceptive.

He refuses to take medication and plays it off like it's nothing.

This is you and your teen daughter's lives here.

I guess you could have one schizophrenic/ psychotic episode however schizophrenia when diagnosed is generally a lifelong condition requiring medication. Given your daughters fragile mental health it may be mindful to consider the future of this relationship. My mother suffered with schizophrenia but compounded it with drinking and not taking her medication. As others have said it's an awful condition and one really has to be responsible and take the medication to stay well.

I'm not getting into the bigger question of OP's situation, but this:

If it was just a one off it would be documented as a psychotic episode.
If he’s been given a diagnosis then he has it.

is not necessarily true.

I was given a diagnosis of schizophrenia. I found out because I went to the GP one day for something unrelated and saw Schizophrenia in big letters at the top of my active conditions list. Turns out that some time before, when I'd visited the out of hours service to ask for something to help me with anxiety, the out of hours GP had decided I had schizophrenia.

I don't have schizophrenia, I have what is currently diagnosed as bipolar disorder and ASD. But in the time I've been in mental health services, I've received many, many different diagnoses, from psychotic depression to anxious avoidant personality disorder (basically social anxiety disorder turned up to 11) and practically everything in-between.

Psychiatric diagnosis is really really difficult, and it's very unlikely that the doctor who saw OP's boyfriend decades ago had a crystal ball. Maybe it was a one-off psychotic episode, maybe not. Either way, psychiatric diagnosis is… not perfect.

No one should be taking antipsychotics unless they are medically indicated and a doctor feels they are medically necessary. Nowhere did OP say he refused to take prescribed medication that the doctors felt he needed.

Psychiatric diagnosis can be tricky and it was even trickier 25 years ago. Without more information - all the assumptions posted on this thread are really just stigma and discriminatory views.

And schizophrenia doesn't equal dangerous. OP has been dating her boyfriend for 5 months and she didn't even know he had a mental illness. That is less impactful than many people with anxiety disorders or depression. There is nothing about having a mental illness that means one is undateable or unloveable and that any partner needs to run.

OP should have a conversation with him, get to know more about him and how and when his illness has manifested in his life and she can make an informed decision.

The responses on this thread for the most part are just really sad and ill-informed.

Would it be possible for you to attend a meeting with your bf and a medical professional who can talk to you about being in a relationship together from a medical perspective? Then you can feel confident of the facts from a health point of view and make your decision accordingly. I think you need to be more cautious about this as you have a child to consider who will be affected by your decision.

Hi OP. I saw your post and felt that I had to reply.
My sister's now ex has paranoid schizophrenia and has made her life miserable over the years.

She had one daughter before going into the relationship and had another daughter with him.
Various episodes of him refusing to take medication have led to him believe my sister's older daughter is a clone, he's lashed out violently and caused my sister to call the police, he's abducted my younger niece when she was a baby, he's run around the area being chased by police whilst naked, he's believed people are spying on him (including my family) and has searched his home for cameras.... These are just a few examples of what my sister has experienced while with him. He's been sectioned multiple times and now has to have his medication via injection (which also involves blood tests to ensure he's not taking drugs) to avoid being re-sectioned.
He has made my sister and my niece's lives miserable. It's an awful awful illness, but as you have a daughter with mental health issues I would consider ending the relationship for her. Especially if he refuses to medicate. One characteristic of people with schizophrenia is that they think they are well so they stop taking medication which causes a vicious cycle.

@Midlifemusings

No one should be taking antipsychotics unless they are medically indicated and a doctor feels they are medically necessary. Nowhere did OP say he refused to take prescribed medication that the doctors felt he needed.

Psychiatric diagnosis can be tricky and it was even trickier 25 years ago. Without more information - all the assumptions posted on this thread are really just stigma and discriminatory views.

And schizophrenia doesn't equal dangerous. OP has been dating her boyfriend for 5 months and she didn't even know he had a mental illness. That is less impactful than many people with anxiety disorders or depression. There is nothing about having a mental illness that means one is undateable or unloveable and that any partner needs to run.

OP should have a conversation with him, get to know more about him and how and when his illness has manifested in his life and she can make an informed decision.

The responses on this thread for the most part are just really sad and ill-informed.

On the contrary, I see responses from people who have had actual personal experience dealing with schizophrenic family and friends.

Did I ever feel that my mum was a physical danger to me? Not often, though she did once threaten my sister with a knife during a particularly bad time.

The danger to your emotional health and wellbeing is enormous though. I'm still dealing with the effects of her behaviour years later.

I really don't think it's good for OP's daughter to be around a schizophrenic who is having delusions, is unmedicated and who tries to explain away their illness as something that has been cured.

This sounds so similar to my ex, I had police and social services involved because of him, the police came to my door at 1am because he had been sectioned and was making threats about me, he thought I had been paid to have his children by the government, thought my family weren’t really my family, it was awful. So those saying not wanting
To date someone with schizophrenia is wrong really need to understand how much affect it can have on your life and how awful it can be and I wouldn’t have got involved had I known when I first met him. 5 months in I would be gone

@needsomepeace321 it's interesting that you said your mum had schizophrenia my nan in recent years has psychosis. However I know her very well and I don't know weather its because when I was a kid she did not have psychosis (just depression) it could well be changing my view. I feel the same about my nan also she is not a danger. However when she has an "episode" it is frightening though as it can be the unpredictably in the heat of the moment. I'm also aware that other people who don't know who would be frightened too if she has having an "epsisode".

I had a psychotic episode. Schizophrenia is just a label based on the frequency of such an episode.

They could have given me that label; a doctor said as much. But said she wouldn't as it can cause lifelong problems for people (ie. It can stop you getting visas to some countries, insurances and disqualifies you for an organ transplant).

She said if I ever have another episode she will have no choice but to change the diagnosis from 'acute psychosis' to schizophrenia.

If this really was 25 years ago I wouldn't be surprised if someone wasn't so kind. A lot has moved on with regard mental health awareness and it seems the professionals are much more aware of the impact these labels have.

And no I am not medicated, a risk to anyone etc. I own a home, run two businesses and have a family; you would never know if I didnt tell you.

@needsomepeace321

Your mother and OP's boyfriend don't necessarily have the exact same presentation of illness or progression or symptoms or treatment needs. I get when you have someone close to you it is hard to separate that from another person. People are hearing the word schizophrenia and have decided based on that word - exactly how ill her boyfriend must be, what medication he needs, and how incapable he is of a healthy relationship.

In reality, schizophrenia is a spectrum (if he even has schizophrenia) and not everyone with schizophrenia has the same issues or presentation or treament needs or progress of the illness. Some people can't live independently, others can. Some can't hold jobs, others can. Some have severe symptoms that make daily life very difficult, others don't. Some can't be in a relationship, others can.

Someone else's experience doesn't dictate who your mother is and what her needs are and her illness and your experience doesn't dictate who OPs boyfriend is and what his needs are.

I know someone with schizophrenia who has lived in a hospital for many years - that doesn't your mother also needs to be insitutionalized because she too has the same diagnosis.

As I mentioned, I also know two young adults with schizophrenia who completed university and are working in professional jobs. That doesn't mean your mother could manage university and a professional job but these individuals can.

No way would I date him. My daughter comes first.

[quote Midlifemusings]@needsomepeace321

Your mother and OP's boyfriend don't necessarily have the exact same presentation of illness or progression or symptoms or treatment needs. I get when you have someone close to you it is hard to separate that from another person. People are hearing the word schizophrenia and have decided based on that word - exactly how ill her boyfriend must be, what medication he needs, and how incapable he is of a healthy relationship.

In reality, schizophrenia is a spectrum (if he even has schizophrenia) and not everyone with schizophrenia has the same issues or presentation or treament needs or progress of the illness. Some people can't live independently, others can. Some can't hold jobs, others can. Some have severe symptoms that make daily life very difficult, others don't. Some can't be in a relationship, others can.

Someone else's experience doesn't dictate who your mother is and what her needs are and her illness and your experience doesn't dictate who OPs boyfriend is and what his needs are.

I know someone with schizophrenia who has lived in a hospital for many years - that doesn't your mother also needs to be insitutionalized because she too has the same diagnosis.

As I mentioned, I also know two young adults with schizophrenia who completed university and are working in professional jobs. That doesn't mean your mother could manage university and a professional job but these individuals can.[/quote]
Yes I understand that my mother's situation is not going to be exactly the same as OP's boyfriend's, and I'm not claiming it is.

However, he has been diagnosed with schizophrenia and he is having delusions. Despite this, he doesn't seem to think he needs any help. Three red flags right there.

Why should OP risk her and her daughter's wellbeing for the sake of a 5 month relationship? Why should she take the gamble that her partner will be one of the few who manages to get treatment and stay stable for the rest of their life?

Being stable at one point in time, or even for several years at a time, does not mean that symptoms cannot be triggered again in the future. It's a lifelong battle unfortunately.

There is also a massive difference between observing someone doing well at university and living with them. You don't know what their home lives are like.

I don't think it's so much that people are saying OP should "risk her and her daughter's wellbeing for the sake of a 5 month relationship" — it's entirely up to OP and very understandable if she'd prefer not to continue this relationship. It's more that people don't want OP to have an entirely one-sided view of the variety of things it might mean to have a diagnosis of schizophrenia.

My sister has schizophrenia. She doesn’t take medication because the side affects are very difficult to live with (they can cause very severe negative side affects). Also, she doesn’t do recreational drugs and never has, schizophrenia doesn’t need drugs to develop.

She’s not dangerous to anyone but her condition makes it extremely difficult to sustain a relationship with her. I try my best to support her when she’ll allow me to but often she pushes me away and accuses me of many false things. She has years where she’s stable and ‘managing’ but the pandemic has really thrown her. I worry about her constantly. I honestly don’t know how her boyfriend (of around 12 months) copes with her. He can see that she’s paranoid and delusional but he’s very patient and she’s better with him than other people.

Personally, I wouldn’t read too much into the croissant situation- you would definitely know when an episode is starting. However, if you do feel he’s beginning to go through an episode then it will be very hard to support him and your daughter at the same time. It takes a lot of time, energy, patience and resilience to support someone with schizophrenia going through an episode. It causes a lot of heartbreak too.

FYI schizophrenia is a chronic condition that an individual manages. Once diagnosed with the condition you can only manage it, there’s no cure as such (form a neurological perspective you can loose up to 10% of the brain’s grey matter). Some manage it better than others, some have more severe symptoms, others will manage it for a long time and then have several psychotic episodes throughout their lives. (I’m a psychology graduate and I have learnt a lot about schizophrenia as my sister has had it for 15 years).

@ClumpingBambooIsALie

I don't think it's so much that people are saying OP should "risk her and her daughter's wellbeing for the sake of a 5 month relationship" — it's entirely up to OP and very understandable if she'd prefer not to continue this relationship. It's more that people don't want OP to have an entirely one-sided view of the variety of things it might mean to have a diagnosis of schizophrenia.

Sure, but the OP is asking for advice here about her situation with her BF.

The croissant incident shows signs of delusions, and he is minimising his illness by claiming it's in the past.

I think if there's to be any chance of a relationship, he has to accept that he needs treatment and commit to that. It's not happening at the moment unfortunately.