BF told me he had Schizophrenia

[IReallyLikeCheese]

As in past tense. But a little reading tells me it's a life long condition. He is very against any kind of medication (even pain killers) so I know he's not medicated, but I know he has weekly counselling.

Last night he got up in the middle of the night as he was convinced I had left croissants in the oven and they were burning. (We didn't buy the croissants). I didn't think anything of it at the time, but he's been very withdrawn since, and with a little perspective it looks like it was a small delusion. He's under a lot of stress at work and this is the first thing I've seen like this.

The relationship is only 5 months in, and I'm just out of a 22 year marriage so I'm very fragile. I really like him but I'm not sure how much of a red flag I should treat this as. I have a teenage DD with mental heath issues to consider.

@IReallyLikeCheese

I had a boyfriend at uni that concealed mental illness (bipolar), and drip fed and down played it when he did reveal. He refused all treatment and ended up stalking meat one point. So I am a little twitchy... but bf didn't have to tell me about his past and so long as he's been truthful it doesn't seem like it should be a dealbreaker. But I think I need to talk to him.

Not twitchy enough. Him not being medicated is the dealbreaker. Seriously, you don’t need this. Your daughter doesn’t need this. Just walk away.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Five months in Already a psychotic break / hallucination You have a teenage daughter He admits stress is a trigger He drinks despite his diagnosis He is in unmedicated which is against the advice of any doctor for people with schizophrenia You're fresh out of a long relationship

Honestly, mate, you would be completely irresponsible and doing your child a disservice if you continue this relationship.

It would be so, so, so unfair on her for you to do so. And unfair on you too, but at least you have a choice. She doesn't.

Please do the right thing.

This in spades. Sorry, but after five months, I would bin him off. I know that's terribly unfair to those who live with mental illness, but I'd not be entertaining this for one minute.

I agree with the other pp. Run, don't walk away.

I have schizo affective disorder which is like a diluted version of schizophrenia. My last"true" psychotic episode was over 20 years ago like your BF. I'm still medicated and when we have tried lowering it to see how it goes, thoughts and delusional ideation coming back again which is then sorted by increasing the meds back to the previous dose. This is done usually in hospital. I say "true" in quotes as I have had a couple of other psychotic type episodes but they were caused medication that I was on for another reason. This was resolved within days of the medication being stopped.

I see a CPN on a fortnightly basis and have accepted that like if I was diabetic that I wouldn't think twice about taking insulin so it's the same with my anti psychotic and other meds.

This is far too early to lay this on you. You said yourself you are fragile. Look after yourself and your daughter as priority.

@NotanotherboxofFrogs

You needing long term medication has no relevance at all to the man in the OPs post. Many people with schizophrenia do need life long medication but not all.

Twenty five years ago when he would have been diagnosed, everyone who experienced any psychosis was diagnosed as schizophrenia. Now that isn't the case. He might actually have had a Brief Psychotic Disorder or psychosis due to the multitude of reasons that we now know people can have as a cause for psychotic episodes other than schizophrenia. If he had a full diagnostic reassessment, he might not even meet the criteria for schizophrenia at this point. If he has recovered and lived the better part of twenty years without medication and without major health crisis - he either has a very mild case or he hasn't accessed an updated assessment.

Many people think of severe and chronic schizophrenia when they think of the word but that isn't the case. The younger generation who has benefited from early intervention and more nuanced diagnosis and treatment plans have much higher rates of functioning. I know two young adults with schizophrenia who did rigorous nursing and engineering programs at univeristy and are both now working in careers in those fields.

Op can always do what is right for her regardless but every case is individual and you can't apply a broad generalized stigmatized lens and think that has any meaning to this particular person.

Oof. Sorry, I'd be cautious. You're in quite a fragile place yourself. I would prioritise your own healing and your dd's care.

You can say that this is too much to deal with and step back.

You needing long term medication has no relevance at all to the man in the OPs post.

This is really unfair and dismissive to a poster who has shared their personal experience of schizo affective disorder. It's unhelpful to tell people that their experiences are irrelevant when it's helpful to hear from those who have experiences of dealing with any related diagnosis. That poster didn't say that OP's boyfriend definitely shares the same experiences.

If he has recovered and lived the better part of twenty years without medication and without major health crisis - he either has a very mild case or he hasn't accessed an updated assessment.

I also think it's prudent for OP to be mindful she only has his word that he hasn't had any other mental health crises in so long and that he is having regular sessions to keep an eye on his mental health so he can get support if needed. Five months in, especially as she has a child, it's sensible not to take anyone's word as gospel when making decisions about continuing to see them or not.

It's great that you know people who have overcome challenges and not relapsed but those stories are no more or less valid than those of others so calling posters experiences irrelevant is uncalled for.

Sorry OP, you need to run, now. You don’t know anything about this man, and you really don’t want to get sucked into a vortex of his mental health problems. It sounds harsh, but at this point you can walk away, and I very very strongly suggest you do so.

I think it's really sad p pole are jumping to the 'run' comment straight away.

This is why people with MH issues feel so stigmatised.

Guess what? MH issues vary in severity, cause, duration and are unique to the individual.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I am sorry but that poster's personal experience with a need for medication for his own condition has no relevance as to whether or not OPs boyfriend needs medication. It just doesn't. I am not dismissing his personal experience. I am saying that his belief that OP needs to RUN because of his own personal experience with medication is just irrelevant to OP boyfriend's situation. What do you see as the relevance? If I need medication for something can I decide that you do too for another condition and that your partner should run because of my need for medication. Explain the connection you see between these two people that means that the posters experience is applicable to OPs boyfriend?

I am countering the stigmatized view that you and others have of schizophrenia. That OP needs to get out and get out now and run away because the word schizophrenia was used. I do believe that OP who has posted about him likely knows him better and has posted a more accurate picture than random people replying about their own illness. I posted based on her information.

You can obviously medicate yourself if you wish because you read someone else took medication or you can run in fear because someone has a mental illness and you believe they must be dangerous but that doesn't actually make those rationale or relevant decisions.

OP can make whatever decision she wants but to think that a random poster online knows more about Ops boyfriend's medical condition than he does is really dismissive and disrespectful.

I wouldn't get into a relationship with someone who isn't taking antipsychotics. I would also only date them if they have been in active recovery for some time. Relapse of symptoms can be very intense and scary for everyone. Sadly schizophrenia doesn't just disappear, it's a life long condition for most people.

Anti psychotics are powerful drugs with many side effects - some that can be life altering. Some people find the side effects worse than the symptoms thy are designed to treat. They should only be taken if necessary to treat and manage a condition. They should never be taken without a clear need and under the prescription and monitoring of a doctor. No one should just take anti psychotics just because other people think they should.

Is this NHS services he sees weekly ? I'd question why the community mental health want to see him weekly. If he has been stable for a very long period of time and not medicated (needs no blood monitoring) the appointments would surely spread out much further apart. The community mental health team don't have the money to have appointments with very stable people once a week.

Run for the hills and I say this as someone who lived with someone having delusions for many years.There may come a time when his delusion is directly about you and your behaviour. If his mind is producing that type of hallucination who knows if he will be able to distinguish reality from an episode and you may no longer be safe.

If you had a female friend stay over and found her in the kitchen because she was convinced you had left burning croissants in the oven, you'd think that was pretty darn weird. You'd be worried for her.
You didn't buy croissants but his mind had convinced him there was danger because of your careless behavior.
It's not just stress.
He sometimes cannot distinguish between reality and what his mind tells him.

Having seen someone go through several psychotic episodes (these were alcohol induced) honestly I'd be gone in a flash! Even a mild episode is frightening and can be dangerous.No way would i expose any child to it. I'd feel very sorry for him and wish him the best but I'd be putting myself and the child first

I want to add my voice to those who continue to stigmatise and generalise about schizophrenia and schizoid affective disorder.
A close relative battles with his illness every day. He has a depo every week and has been stable now for 2 years. His last relationship broke down a year ago...nothing to do with his mh, she cheated. He has no confidence to try to meet anyone else because of attitudes like those of many pps. I think that's really sad.
On a lighter note, a friend of mine once had a psychotic episode whilst in Germany on holiday. She thought she was in a WW2 film and things got a bit out of hand as you can imagine!
One episode, due to Uni stress and a bereavement and nothing since.
People are different.
Please treat them all with respect.
OP keep an open mind and have a chat. The burning croissants incident could have been a vivid dream.

Having worked as a mental health professional, I'd not be in a relationship with someone who suffers from schizophrenia who refused medication. 100% no.

It would be a red flag to me. About 7 years ago I was also approx your age coming out of a long term relationship with young kids. Last thing I would have wanted was having to deal with someone’s mental illness in a new relationship. I think you’d be mad to stay with him. Right now you should be thinking about what you want in a relationship and what are the deal breakers. I don’t understand why someone would willingly take this on in a 5 month relationship where you didn’t even know him 6 months ago. It’s not your job to fix him or other him or be his verbal punching bag. The fact that you have not run far far away very fast is a bit troubling, do you think you still have some issues to work though in regards to self esteem and boundaries etc?

*mother him not other him

Poor man. The side effects of anti-psychotic medication are awful. I can understand why he doesn't want to use them.

But I wouldn't stay. It sounds awful, but he will never understand how scary it is to be on the receiving end of psychotic episodes. And your daughter shouldn't have to deal with this.

Big red flag op
Have you done the freedom programme? Are you sure you’re ready to date anyone?

It’s totally valid to decide you’re not going to date anyone with a serious mental health issue; I wouldn’t either. Doesn’t mean I don’t have sympathy for them or would treat them badly but I also wouldn’t date them.

Just wanting to add some support to @midlifemusings. Antipychotics mostly have awful side effects and contribute to people dying younger. If you can manage your condition without medication it is much better for you. Several countries have tried drug free treatment for mental health with positive results.

People can have 1 off psychotic episodes or schizophrenia with less symptoms and significant stability.

It sounds like the man OP is seeing has been honest about his history, he still has regular mental health support so is taking ownership of his health and he is managing well.

Did you clarify with him the next day what had happened with the oven? Was he just half asleep reacting to a dream or did he feel it was related to his condition? Or did he still believe it really happened?

You say he’s stressed at work and got up in the middle of the night because he smelled burning croissants. And now he’s withdrawn? I’m not a psychiatrist, but that sounds like a delusion.

You’ve only been together for 5 months. You don’t know this man and you only have his word on the frequency and severity of his delusions. You need to think of your teen Dd, especially as she has MH issues. Is he really seeing a counsellor every week? Even so this is different to a psychologist.

My mum had schizophrenia (she passed away in 2019). She was in and out of mental hospitals when I was little and from when I was about 9 she gradually weaned herself off the medication as she hated the side effects and stayed drug / hospital free for the rest of her life (I’m 41, she died when she was 71) so it is possible to make somewhat of a recovery - or rather manage the condition. However, at times of stress she would become rather unstable- not enough to warrant another hospital admission but just behaving quite strangely and she would get very angry with people and shout quite a bit. I had a very difficult relationship with her because of this and found her quite unpredictable. I wouldn’t have wanted to be in a relationship with someone like that.

If it was just a one off it would be documented as a psychotic episode.
If he’s been given a diagnosis then he has it.
Has he ever been in hospital and what is his risk when he’s unwell. He should tell you these.
If he’s having and going to counselling that’s great if he is getting help to cope with the stress.
Some people used drugs and or alcohol to cope with the symptoms.
Usually people need to take some medication to manage the symptoms - like you would if you where diabetic or epileptic.
He needs to talk to you.