BF told me he had Schizophrenia

[IReallyLikeCheese]

As in past tense. But a little reading tells me it's a life long condition. He is very against any kind of medication (even pain killers) so I know he's not medicated, but I know he has weekly counselling.

Last night he got up in the middle of the night as he was convinced I had left croissants in the oven and they were burning. (We didn't buy the croissants). I didn't think anything of it at the time, but he's been very withdrawn since, and with a little perspective it looks like it was a small delusion. He's under a lot of stress at work and this is the first thing I've seen like this.

The relationship is only 5 months in, and I'm just out of a 22 year marriage so I'm very fragile. I really like him but I'm not sure how much of a red flag I should treat this as. I have a teenage DD with mental heath issues to consider.

TBH it didn't sound that much like a typical delusion to me, but yes, she did ask for advice, and initially got lots of personal stories from the more chronic/severe end of the psychosis spectrum — a few people also came to add a broader range of experiences. Some people really do have a single isolated episode of psychosis (which may or may not have been diagnosed as schizophrenia at the time), and live the rest of their lives not needing medication to stay well. Such people would struggle to get an NHS psychiatrist to have a sit down with them and their new girlfriend for an informed chat, as a PP suggested, because the resources aren't there (and a GP probably wouldn't be able to be much help in the average 7 minute appointment). Nobody here knows whether OP's boyfriend is one of them, or whether he's going to have problems with psychosis or related mental health problems in the future. All people can offer is their opinions based on their own knowledge and experience (because they don't know OP's boyfriend) and that will vary from person to person. It's good to hear a range of experiences.

Regardless of his situation with schizophrenia, OP doesn't have to stick around. It's only been 5 months and she can end a relationship at any time for any reason.

If that's to me Ranty, I said that (well, what I actually said was "it's entirely up to OP and very understandable if she'd prefer not to continue this relationship").

Saying someone can end a relationship for any reason then tagging on guilt that schizophrenic people are alone because blah blah blah is just refusing to say the quiet part out loud.

Either they can end it without guilt or they can’t. OP: ignore the do gooders and run.

@needsomepeace321

What assessment did you do that makes you sure that OPs boyfriend currently has delusions? And OP doesn't allude to her boyfriend being difficult to live with. In fact she didn't even know he had a previous diagnosis of a mental illness at all despite dating him and spending time with him for 5 months.

OP is certainly more than in her right to do as she pleases. It is all the comments saying RUN and making massive ignorant assumptions about someone they know nothing about that is the issue. THe fact that many see the word schizophrenia and immediately take that to mean undateable and not worthy of love or a relationship is sad. That people are yelling RUN as though her life is in danger because the word schizophrenia was typed just shows an incredible ignorance.

OP can ask questions to find out what his experience with his illness have been since diagnosis. She should learn about him and how whatever illness he had has presented for him. She can make whatever informed decision is right for her. That might be leaving him or that might be staying with him.

The assuption that schizophrenia = dangerous and her daughter isn't safe is such a stigmatized belief. There is still clearly a lot of ignorance and stigma given the responses on here. Since the advice from most people seeing the word schizophrenia only brings up one image of someone with chronic, severe psychosis - when in reality that isn't the case for many. Many of you have probably interacted and even dated people with schizophrenia without even knowing. OP has been with him for 5 months. If he has severe unmedicated schizophrenia - she would have known long before now.

I have a friend who had children with a schizophrenic man. When well, he was lovely, but at one point he went missing for a week and was found hiding in a shed, having had a paranoid episode. Sadly, they split, and eventually killed himself when the children were still at secondary. If this man won't even take medication, you should get out now. Even if he does, you should be aware of what you could be letting you and your DD in for if you continue this relationship.

midlife — agreed.

I'm not affected one bit by what OP does and she shouldn't give a shit what I would do in that situation. She should do what's best for her and her DD. The reason I originally posted was purely to correct the idea that that if someone was ever diagnosed with schizophrenia, they still have and will always have active schizophrenia to the point they should spend their entire lives taking often-unpleasant medication with very serious potential side effects.

I don't have an opinion on what OP should do. It's entirely her call. But it's unfair on her if the only people who comment is those whose experience of people with a diagnosis of schizophrenia is of seeing someone with lifelong debilitating psychosis, which OP's boyfriend might have, or might not have.

@Midlifemusings You seem to have decided that I'm responsible for every opinion you disagree with here.

Please don't tell me I don't understand schizophrenia when I've had to live with the impact of it for my entire life. It's downright insulting.

I have a teenage DD with mental heath issues to consider.
Walk away. You owe him nothing. He doesnt have a right to a relationship with you.

I dated a man with this and it was traumatic. I have not trusted anyone since. His uncle also has it and he murdered his best friend one night despite taking regular medication.

As someone who hears voices but is not schizophrenic I'm going to stay away from the majority of the discussion here but I just wanted to say if you wish to end the relationship because of his condition (which is your perogative, no judgement from me), please don't frame it in your mind as running. He's human too and so deserves a little more than that. I'm hoping it's just poor language and there would be a conversation ending things with him, with as little animosity as possible. It's a relationship that doesn't work for you not a scary person with a scary condition who doesn't deserve anyone to be with him.

The problem is that the drugs work but the majority won't stay on them because of the side effects. Or because they "work" they feel better so think they no longer need them. Med compliance is v v low. That being said violence to others despite popular myth is actually v low and they are far more likely to harm themselves than others.
Med compliance is a huge huge issue though and I think I would be v v slow to remain involved with someone who had this diagnosis who remained unmedicated personally

I though long and hard about whether to return to the thread as it seems to have stirred up bad memories for a number of posters.

But. I have ADHD. And a physical disability. And my DD is also neurodiverse. The ADHD is probably what finally ended my marriage. I was diagnosed 5 years ago and that gave me the validation to be me, and I think exh thought he could squash the scattiness out of me, and when I stop masking he withdrew and then ran. My disabilities have put many perspective partners off over the years, so I'm more likely to be open minded and try to understand a condition/person rather than run for the hills at the first hint of a scary medical name... hence posting (and researching)

For those who say I should put my DD first I'm offended that you think i would do anything else. My DD is my top priority. She knows that. BF knows that.

BF seems lovely, but his relationship history is a series of relatively short relationships rather than like mine (a long marriage). We are both in our late 40s/early 50s. I've been dating long enough now to realise everyone my age has baggage. His baggage is just different to mine. Maybe he struggles to get GFs to stick around once he mentions the S word, maybe he struggles to stay in relationships due to MH issues. But I strongly feel the way to find out is to get to know him better and to keep an open (but at the same time critical) mind.

I'm not jumping into living with him or marrying him and see him once a week at best. (Although we talk all the time) DD is comfortable with him and doesn't want me to be lonely. I have to admit I've backed off a little emotionally as I know I have to protect myself, It's taken a long time but know my self worth and I won't accept a bad relationship. But I'll never be happy if I run at the hint of an imperfection.

Thank you for coming back OP. It sounds like you have a real hold on things. I wish you all the best.

@IReallyLikeCheese Op, I’d just like to thank you for your really measured and considerate response. I think you’ve made a really balanced decision considering the information you have.

I mentioned in my previous post that my sister has the condition and is going through a bit of a rough patch at the moment (lockdown related - she lived alone through the entire thing). I wanted to give you the reality of one person’s situation living with schizophrenia and the impact it has on others, just so you are prepared if you do come across things you find too difficult to manage. I would hate for anyone to immediately jump to the conclusion that my sister is dangerous or impossible to have a relationship with just because she has schizophrenia. It made me so sad that people were telling you to ‘run’ just because of his condition when you don’t know more about the situation yet and how it affects him.

Thanks op x

OP.

I have read the thread and see people say 'run' - but while in certain situations I would agree, right now, I wouldn't.

I'm on the side of 'people with mental health issues DO deserve love and support too, (unless they're being violent).

I myself have an entire back catalogue of issues (NOT violent) but no one has ever loved me enough to stick around ...

Take each day as it comes x