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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I wish my mum was normal

90 replies

Disneydatknee88 · 19/03/2022 22:13

I wish my mum was normal. I know that sounds horrible but she has a lot of mental health problems. We were constantly treading on eggshells growing up as to not upset mum. Her feelings trumped everyone else's.

I had my mum to visit this weekend. We have just moved to Wales and I've been so looking forward to having her here to show her around and have her spend time with me and the grandkids. We have had a lovely time. I gave her the grand tour yesterday. We had a pamper evening. Face packs and chit chat in front of the telly. I took her out with the kids today. To the beach and then a lovely country park. Its been gorgeous sunshine. I thought we were having a lovely time but when we got home she flounced off.

We didn't have any plans this evening. I invited her back to ours for dinner and then she was due to go back to the hotel later on as she does like her own space and wanted to just chill on her own tonight. We got home, i put the oven on and I popped up to the loo. When I came downstairs my husband said your mum has packed her bag and gone. I managed to catch her loading the car and asked her what was up. She had got it into her head that I'd had enough of her and she was upset and wanted to leave. This literally came out of nowhere. I was really shocked. I apologised for unintentionally upsetting her and pleaded with her to stay. She said she was teary and wanted to leave to she left. There is no drip feed here. We have not had any cross words today.

She txt me later on from her hotel room. She basically made up this whole scenario in her head. My husband made a comment that she's my daughters new favourite and I joked that her favourite is whoever is paying her the most attention. It's a running joke. He is the favourite when he's spending lots of time with her. I'm the favourite when she's spending a lot of time with me. My mum took that as a dig and that I was angry at her that my daughter liked her better. Ive no idea why. I was looking forward to them bonding today. I don't care who she likes! She also thought I was trying to terf her out early because when we got home (around 5pm) I asked my husband if he wanted dinner now as this is our usual dinner time and she thought I was trying to get dinner out the way so I could get rid of her earlier. She also said she thought she got weird vibes from me earlier when we were walking back to the car. I was happy and smiley the whole time. Like where has she got this from?! She is very insecure. I told her I wouldn't have invited her up here if I didn't want her here. I've had a great time and if she was feeling put out id rather she told me instead of running off. It's made me feel crappy and it's confused the kids as they don't know why she's disappeared. We have plans again tomorrow and now I feel weird about it. But now she's calmed down and let me apologise for things I've not even done, she's kinda washed over it like ok cool what time are we going out tomorrow? Why did a nice weekend have to end in drama? I wish this could have just been the nice weekend I was anticipating.

OP posts:

AppleTree16 · 19/03/2022 22:20

Honestly I would just back off a bit. My parents are like this and I’ve just put distance between us now, as horrible as some people may find that. I’d say something though - she won’t ever know if you don’t positively challenge and say something. I also wouldn’t be doing plans tomorrow with her.

Weepingwillows12 · 19/03/2022 22:22

I don't have any answers but that sounds so tough. It sounds like it's her issues not yours but must be hard always having to deal with it.

AnotherEmma · 19/03/2022 22:25

Don't apologise for things you haven't even done, that's crazy.

My mum is similar. It is hard

MuchTooTired · 19/03/2022 22:25

I wish mine was too. 💐 for you, it’s shit isn’t it.

CPL593H · 19/03/2022 22:29

Having had a very similar sort of mother by the sound of it, all I can say is I'm really sorry OP and it isn't you. Try to hold on to that.

I spent too many years trying to keep the peace and apologising for things that a) I hadn't done and b) were totally ridiculous in the first place, eg a 3 hour silent treatment during a rare visit, which I had tried to make so nice. I was told it was because "I had ignored her when she spoke to me". I was 3 rooms away and hadn't actually heard anything, strangely enough.

At the end of her life we had been totally estranged for nearly 10 years. She had or was cut off from all 3 of her children (we all get on fine) I know it is easy to say go NC, but I would honestly suggest limiting contact and keeping it to the most superficial level possible, for short periods on neutral ground. You matter too, your feelings matter. It took me much too long to realise that for myself and I wish I had earlier

Original poster

Disneydatknee88 · 19/03/2022 22:32

@Weepingwillows12

I don't have any answers but that sounds so tough. It sounds like it's her issues not yours but must be hard always having to deal with it.

Now I'm agonising over everything I've said and done today for what might have given her that impression. She wants to move here with my dad in a few years time to be closer to me. I've been showing off all the best bits of where we live and she's been excitedly making plans. Now I'm not so sure I want her here if I'm going to be second guessing every interaction we have.

OP posts:

Lurking9to5 · 19/03/2022 22:36

That's rough. She's so sensitive that she tells you what your actions really meant and then makes you feel guilty!

I'd get through tomorrow and then write to her and tell her that you will talk to her directly and she is to trust you that your words don't have secret meanings and you are the judge of what your actions mean, not her.

Very tedious for you. It's such low self esteem but if you're an adult then she should have started to work on her low self-esteem by now.

Hope you weren't too damaged by all the walking on egg shells growing up.

HollowTalk · 19/03/2022 22:38

She sounds an awful lot like my ex mother-in-law. I found her really difficult to deal with until my father-in-law said one day that in future she couldn't go anywhere for longer than one night. It was just that she could cope for one night - any longer and she would throw a huge tantrum. From then on she just stayed one night and it was manageable.

Wasywasydoodah · 19/03/2022 22:39

Some people misread social cues a lot. Sounds like she does this. Sometimes it’s because of trauma or a maladaptive coping mechanism developed when growing up. Eg her parents may have been hypercritical and so she grew up anticipating that so she could try to avoid it. So she now always expects people to be critical of her. Just a possibility. Maybe think about why she is like she is. I’ve just spent the day with my mum and she drives me bonkers but I think I understand why she is like that, and it honestly helps a bit.

Wasywasydoodah · 19/03/2022 22:41

Also, living closed might actually be good. Easier to do short visits.

Allsorts1 · 19/03/2022 22:41

My mum is exactly the same so please don’t feel that you are alone in this. Holidays are always fraught with her giving me the silent treatment for various reasons, or leaving really early without saying goodbye. It’s awful!

Allsorts1 · 19/03/2022 22:45

But yes what @Wasywasydoodah says is correct. This will be stemming from something in her, in her life. It’s nothing to do with the way you were or what you said, really.

My mum had a really tough upbringing and a terrible mother herself and she carries around a wound in herself so is very easily offended and hurt, but at the same time is extremely inconsiderate of others so is frustrating to be around!

You might find that her being closer brings less issues to be honest, as there is probably a lot of emotion for her on a holiday where there would be more pressure on her than shorter visits!

Acheyknees · 19/03/2022 22:45

I wonder if she's a little jealous? Maybe you had such a nice day in your new location that she felt the need to spoil it and put the focus on her? You say she wants to move near you, maybe she's jealous of your new life and felt the need to spoil it?

Original poster

Disneydatknee88 · 19/03/2022 22:47

@Wasywasydoodah

It is because of childhood trauma. Her dad was really cold and distant and she struggles with feelings of rejection. I know that is why she creates these scenarios in her head and thinks people don't want her around. I keep telling her how glad I am that she's here and have been bigging up this visit for ages saying I'm so excited she's coming to visit. She's still managed to get it in her head I don't want her here. I just want win. I'm really sad I've not done enough to convince her I've enjoyed her company

OP posts:

ReadyToMoveIt · 19/03/2022 22:50

Are we sisters?! Honestly my mum is exactly like this. It’s exhausting.
I haven’t learned how to deal with it yet. I agonise over everything I’ve said and done, every time. Solidarity.

Strawberry33 · 19/03/2022 22:51

Look up borderline personality disorder. I’d bet my house on it.
It’s not personal and its hard to deal with but there is a way of communicating you can learn that really really helps. And once you understand some of the behaviour patterns you can learn to anticipate them and deal with them and it all becomes so much better xxx

Villagewaspbyke · 19/03/2022 22:54

@Acheyknees - my mum does that all the time.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 19/03/2022 22:55

My mother's been like this all my life its a total head fuck. The whole family tip toes round her constantly. I've moved miles away and and have practically no contact. It's the only way I can keep my sanity.

Wiredforsound · 19/03/2022 22:55

OP, I can’t diagnose your mum because I’m not a psychiatrist but she sounds a lot like my mum who has been like that all of her adult life. My mum was diagnosed a few years ago with Generalised Anxiety Disorder. I’m not saying your mum has it, but an awareness of the symptoms might help you explore how your mum might feel.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 19/03/2022 22:56

YANBU to wish she was normal - anyone would wish that. But YABU to keep apologising for accidentally upsetting her - I think it would be better for both of you for you to be firm and clear that you said and did nothing to upset her, and that if she wants to leave that is of course her choice, but you are hurt and disappointed by this. I would also be careful as your children grow up that she doesn't make them feel guilty and upset for no reason, as she does to you.

Of course it is sad for her to be the way she is, but you could pour all of your own and your children's resources into soothing and reassuring get and it would do no good to her and only harm you.

Dogmum40 · 19/03/2022 22:56

Mine is exactly the same, I live very close to her too! It’s a nightmare… I have to constantly think and plan what I tell her, I can’t just have a normal mother - daughter relationship where you meet up for a coffee and a chat as she goes over everything in her and head and manages to turn every chat it to a negative conversation about her even if it was a comment about the weather 🙄

Oh and I definitely can’t joke around with her as she takes jokes the wrong way all the time! She won’t talk to me for days on end and will ignore me if she sees me out if I’ve said something wrong ( which I’m not aware of until the ignoring starts) so I do genuinely feel sorry for you

Original poster

Disneydatknee88 · 19/03/2022 22:58

@Wasywasydoodah

She did have a traumatic upbringing. Her dad was always cold and distant so she struggles with feelings of rejection. I know this is why she creates these scenarios is her head and picks up on things that are not there. It's almost like she self sabotages. I've been telling her all weekend how much I've enjoyed having her here, how I've loved seeing her play with my daughter. We have laughed and joked. Shared stories about my own childhood and fun things we did together. I have bigged up this trip before she even got here. How much I was looking forward to her visit. She was excited about it too. I just don't understand how it's come to this conclusion? And I've been totally unaware of these insecurities bubbling under the surface the whole time.

OP posts:

tearinghairout · 19/03/2022 23:10

I also think she might be a bit jealous, which is weird isn't it, when you only want what's best for your own dch (and parents!). There's maybe some guilt involved on her part?
I found with my own difficult mother that two hours was enough to spend together at any time. So your mum moving closer might be a good idea. But I had my own life when mine came to live nearby and I couldn't cope with her ringing up at 9am saying "What shall we do today?" so had to have some boundaries. It was difficult. I felt very guilty, as she didn't have friends here. But if she's got your dad then hopefully that will take the pressure off a bit. But still, are there e.g. clubs she can join?

Supersimkin2 · 19/03/2022 23:17

OP. The mad mother should be better recognised as one of life’s nastiest burdens. The pain and damage they cause is taken very seriously by psych professionals, social workers and fairytales alike, but somehow not so much in everyday life.

Or even by the children.

My first tactic is damage limitation - work out what you can stand and what you can’t, and keep contact accordingly.

I still want my normal mother, the one I’ve never met. Sympathies.

But be careful what you wish for, cos you’re healthy to want it, but is it to be found?

Philip Larkin said the less your parents give you, the more you keep going back for it.

Don’t go back. What you want ain’t there. The cruellest process is accepting that she’s just another damaged person who gave birth. There’s a lot of them out there.

Thewindwhispers · 19/03/2022 23:22

I have a relative just like that. She’s been prescribed various drugs but won’t take thm.

Please don’t question yourself or analyse what you could have done differently - it isn’t you, it’s her. It’s just a sad situation.

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