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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I wish my mum was normal

90 replies

Disneydatknee88 · 19/03/2022 22:13

I wish my mum was normal. I know that sounds horrible but she has a lot of mental health problems. We were constantly treading on eggshells growing up as to not upset mum. Her feelings trumped everyone else's.

I had my mum to visit this weekend. We have just moved to Wales and I've been so looking forward to having her here to show her around and have her spend time with me and the grandkids. We have had a lovely time. I gave her the grand tour yesterday. We had a pamper evening. Face packs and chit chat in front of the telly. I took her out with the kids today. To the beach and then a lovely country park. Its been gorgeous sunshine. I thought we were having a lovely time but when we got home she flounced off.

We didn't have any plans this evening. I invited her back to ours for dinner and then she was due to go back to the hotel later on as she does like her own space and wanted to just chill on her own tonight. We got home, i put the oven on and I popped up to the loo. When I came downstairs my husband said your mum has packed her bag and gone. I managed to catch her loading the car and asked her what was up. She had got it into her head that I'd had enough of her and she was upset and wanted to leave. This literally came out of nowhere. I was really shocked. I apologised for unintentionally upsetting her and pleaded with her to stay. She said she was teary and wanted to leave to she left. There is no drip feed here. We have not had any cross words today.

She txt me later on from her hotel room. She basically made up this whole scenario in her head. My husband made a comment that she's my daughters new favourite and I joked that her favourite is whoever is paying her the most attention. It's a running joke. He is the favourite when he's spending lots of time with her. I'm the favourite when she's spending a lot of time with me. My mum took that as a dig and that I was angry at her that my daughter liked her better. Ive no idea why. I was looking forward to them bonding today. I don't care who she likes! She also thought I was trying to terf her out early because when we got home (around 5pm) I asked my husband if he wanted dinner now as this is our usual dinner time and she thought I was trying to get dinner out the way so I could get rid of her earlier. She also said she thought she got weird vibes from me earlier when we were walking back to the car. I was happy and smiley the whole time. Like where has she got this from?! She is very insecure. I told her I wouldn't have invited her up here if I didn't want her here. I've had a great time and if she was feeling put out id rather she told me instead of running off. It's made me feel crappy and it's confused the kids as they don't know why she's disappeared. We have plans again tomorrow and now I feel weird about it. But now she's calmed down and let me apologise for things I've not even done, she's kinda washed over it like ok cool what time are we going out tomorrow? Why did a nice weekend have to end in drama? I wish this could have just been the nice weekend I was anticipating.

OP posts:
Bladdiebladdieblah · 20/03/2022 07:34

My mum is hard work, similar but also different in a lot of ways. She has the flounces but also lots of other negative behaviour.

I stepped back a bit after having kids. It made me reevaluate my own upbringing. I had it out with her. Made no difference to her behaviour at all but I felt better at least I'd said my peace. After Covid, I have much less contact with my parents. That is partly due to my mum as well because she is one of these people who would happily lock down forever.

The only way I think to deal with it is to put the distance there. She won't/can't change and nothing you do will fix her/be good enough. So just spend the absolute minimum amount of time with her.

ChiswickFlo · 20/03/2022 07:36

Please don't apologise for something you haven't done
That's really messed up behavior to model to your dd

ZealAndArdour · 20/03/2022 07:36

I empathise, my mum has nothing formally diagnosed, nor would she entertain the process but she is the most textbook example of a narcissist I think you could ever come across. She is the centre of the universe and no doubt about it. I don’t think she even knows how to centre anyone but herself.

It’s infuriating, but I try to just distance myself from it as much as possible, I keep the relationship at arms length, but with the illusion of casual closeness (for my benefit) as it would be an even bigger nightmare for me to try to take her to task over it.

spacehardware · 20/03/2022 07:44

My mother is very similar. She ruins virtually every Christmas with these little sulks. I try so hard to make things lovely, and she thinks everything I do is "pretentious". She has a very sad 'mustn't enjoy things too much' attitude - like others on this thread have said, she very hard and not very loving upbringing.

She was as happy as could be when I divorced my first husband but could not understand why I would want to date and meet someone else (I was 34!) - sex is gross etc.

It's very sad, we are very very different

MistyFuckingQuigley · 20/03/2022 07:54

I get where you're coming from, my mum is similar. Did you really say this though?

My husband made a comment that she's my daughters new favourite and I joked that her favourite is whoever is paying her the most attention. It's a running joke

I would find this hurtful, or are you saying that she made this up in her head? Again,I completely agree that she seems like hard work and I have moved hundreds of miles away from mine as a way to escape the constant drama!

CakesOfVersailles · 20/03/2022 07:56

@MistyFuckingQuigley

Surely saying "Dd's favourite person is whoever is giving her attention"
is a normal joke?

Like if your pet dog is all over the visitors when they give him treats you say, "oh, Fido loves whoever is feeding him."

MistyFuckingQuigley · 20/03/2022 08:05

Oh you know what @CakesOfVersailles I've misunderstood Blush I thought the op was saying that her mum's favourite person was whoever is giving her attention. I was thinking, well if someone said that about me I'd be quite miffed too! Sorry, as you were Blush

gingerhills · 20/03/2022 08:16

OP, you absolutely have to learn Grey Rock technique. If she does this again, say, 'OK, bye for now' in a cheery voice with no indication she's upset you. Do nothing to try and change her behaviour. That puts full responsibility for it on her.

I'm sorry for you she isn't normal. My parents weren't either. It crushed me for years. I had severe depression, felt I was utterly worthless. Then I just stopped (helped enormously by some kind reassurances on Stately Homes here.) The pressure release when you stop playing her games will be enormous. You will find you can still love her, still enjoy given moments with her, but not ever expect or want her to be what she isn;t and never feel enslaved by her emotional abuse again.

Original poster
Disneydatknee88 · 20/03/2022 08:27

@MMMarmite

Is she seeing a therapist? I feel like you need to set some boundaries. Her behaviour really is very offensive, jumping to conclusions that you are being nasty, to the point of walking out without saying goodbye. Did she have the capacity to see how rude and hurtful that is?
She is in recovery (as she often refers to it) for a binge eating disorder and is part of this support group where she has a sponsor and pledges her food to her everyday. Is part of a phone chain where they talk about their issues. Its a bit cult like tbh. She has seen therapists in the past but she doesn't feel they have been any help. This is her new thing. Everytime she has a flounce she explains its because she would usually turn to food when her head is spiralling and now instead of facing her issues she would rather just run away. I totally get that. She just can't keep using it as an excuse to behave like this around me or my DD. She was loving growing up and still is but it's love bombing and then she needs constant reassurance that I love her too and want her around. I don't overthink things the way she does. Not usually anyway. Yesterday just totally caught me off guard cos she didn't mention a thing about feeling bad until she tried to do a runner without saying goodbye.
OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/03/2022 08:29

I would cancel your plans with her for today.

Its not you, its your mother. She manufactured all this drama and you've now apologised to her for something you have not done!.

Whatever you do and say will never be enough because she was emotionally harmed by her own parents, particularly her father. Its not your fault that she is like this nor did you make her that way.

Sadly she has taken the low road here and is repeating what she knows already. She had a choice when it came to you and she chose to do this hence you walking on eggshells through childhood aka living in fear.

Some abusive people cite poor mental health as a reason or excuse for mistreating others but its no justification or excuse for her behaviour. It could well be your mother has some form of personality disorder and I would look further at this (read the Out of the FOG website). Why did and do her feelings still trump everyone else's?. I would also think your mother has no friends nor much of a social life and the only people who bother with her tend to be those otherwise conditioned into trying and failing to meet her never ending needs. Women like this cannot do relationships at all.

What's your dad's role in all this; he certainly has one too.
You do not mention much about your dad but I would think he's always wanted a quiet life and has tried to keep out of her line of fire. He has certainly failed to protect you here and he's enabled her to boot.

You are going to have to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. I would also look at how much fear, obligation and guilt you have regarding her and deal with this via therapy. Reading "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward may also prove helpful.

Lurking9to5 · 20/03/2022 08:30

This way of behaving is classic low self-esteem. I had an ex who did this. He seems modest to begin with then when we were an established 'thing' he kept telling me how insensitive I'd been to hurt him. I knew I hadn't meant anything of the sort.

My daughter has gone through phases of this, over reacting to something I said and telling me what I really meant

Because of the x who behaved in this sensitive martyr YOU ARE SO HURTFUL way, I'd already unpicked it all in my head and I remember before I ended it I noticed, this is what he does, he gives every word I say a negative interpretation, he tells me what the real interpretation of my actions is. And then reacts with outrage and martyrdom to the interpretation he has given my words and actions! It had been a total fucking gaslight but he was a nice guy when he wasn't making me the bucket for his low self-esteem.

So when my DD started doing it I said to her ''do not tell me what my actions mean. Do not tell me what the real meaning of my words is. I AM THE JUDGE OF THAT''. it took a few rounds before she stopped doing it. With a man, run for the hills but with a mother or a daughter it's worth calling out exactly what's happening, ie, you are the judge of what your words and actions meant. Do not be manipulated in to apologising for somebody else's interpretation of those.

Jonny1265 · 20/03/2022 08:31

@Strawberry33

Look up borderline personality disorder. I’d bet my house on it. It’s not personal and its hard to deal with but there is a way of communicating you can learn that really really helps. And once you understand some of the behaviour patterns you can learn to anticipate them and deal with them and it all becomes so much better xxx
This
AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/03/2022 08:33

Drop the rope OP that she holds out to you; she cannot play the game if you refuse to be a part of it. Look at your boundaries as well re her; what is and is not acceptable to you here?.

You absolutely need to have both mental and physical distance with her too.

Original poster
Disneydatknee88 · 20/03/2022 08:37

@Bladdiebladdieblah

My mum is hard work, similar but also different in a lot of ways. She has the flounces but also lots of other negative behaviour.

I stepped back a bit after having kids. It made me reevaluate my own upbringing. I had it out with her. Made no difference to her behaviour at all but I felt better at least I'd said my peace. After Covid, I have much less contact with my parents. That is partly due to my mum as well because she is one of these people who would happily lock down forever.

The only way I think to deal with it is to put the distance there. She won't/can't change and nothing you do will fix her/be good enough. So just spend the absolute minimum amount of time with her.

I had it out with my mum a couple of years ago for the same reason. She kept making these elaborate plans to take my kids out, would get them all excited about it and then flake. She did the same with me all the time growing up. She's just a bit of a dreamer. Makes big plans and then drops it and moves onto the next thing. I've learned to just let her get on with it and not take it too seriously but when she started doing it to my kids too I told her enough was enough. She did apologise and we are trying to work at being closer now. She can be very lovely to be around and I do for the most part enjoy her company. She's just always got it in the back of her head now that I hate her which is complete nonsense. Hence why I've never called her out before that...eggshells
OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/03/2022 08:42

This is who she is and she has not changed fundamentally since your own childhood. Its really not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way. Such people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

I would keep your mother at arms length now and certainly well away from your children. She cannot be trusted nor relied upon.

Is your dad in your life at all now?.

Pinkbonbon · 20/03/2022 08:43

I don't think she left because of sensitivity. I think she left because you were giving a good day and she wanted to spoil it. Narcissists (npd) and similar do this to keep you feeling unstable. They build you up a little/get you to a point where you think everything is good and then, whip the carpet out from under you. It's a power play, so that they always remain the center of your attention. It's all about control.

Stop chasing after her. Stop apologising.

Pinkbonbon · 20/03/2022 08:44

*having a good day

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/03/2022 08:46

It could well be your mother has some form of personality disorder and I would look further at this (read the Out of the FOG website).

Why did and do her feelings still trump everyone else's?. I would also think your mother has no friends nor much of a social life and the only people who bother with her tend to be those otherwise conditioned into trying and failing to meet her never ending needs. Women like this cannot do relationships at all.

Original poster
Disneydatknee88 · 20/03/2022 08:50

@AttilaTheMeerkat

I would cancel your plans with her for today.

Its not you, its your mother. She manufactured all this drama and you've now apologised to her for something you have not done!.

Whatever you do and say will never be enough because she was emotionally harmed by her own parents, particularly her father. Its not your fault that she is like this nor did you make her that way.

Sadly she has taken the low road here and is repeating what she knows already. She had a choice when it came to you and she chose to do this hence you walking on eggshells through childhood aka living in fear.

Some abusive people cite poor mental health as a reason or excuse for mistreating others but its no justification or excuse for her behaviour. It could well be your mother has some form of personality disorder and I would look further at this (read the Out of the FOG website). Why did and do her feelings still trump everyone else's?. I would also think your mother has no friends nor much of a social life and the only people who bother with her tend to be those otherwise conditioned into trying and failing to meet her never ending needs. Women like this cannot do relationships at all.

What's your dad's role in all this; he certainly has one too.
You do not mention much about your dad but I would think he's always wanted a quiet life and has tried to keep out of her line of fire. He has certainly failed to protect you here and he's enabled her to boot.

You are going to have to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. I would also look at how much fear, obligation and guilt you have regarding her and deal with this via therapy. Reading "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward may also prove helpful.

My dad enables her behaviour and will always defend her. I constantly got "go apologise for upsetting your mother" whenever I questioned her on anything. He still does it. A few years ago she came to a wedding fair with me to help pick out bits for my impending wedding but was off buying things for herself the whole time. Cute decorations for her house etc. I was quite miffed about it and told her so. Later on my dad messaged me saying I'd upset my mum and I should apologise. My dad is awesome. We get on well and he's a very kind and loving man. He is just very protective of my mum.

Oh she creates drama a lot and makes things all about her. When all the men were buying suits for my wedding my brother sent me a pic of them all dressed in plaid as a joke. I knew it was a joke but my mum was furious "on my behalf" at all my brothers and my dad. Said they were trying to ruin the wedding and flounced off to her friends house all afternoon to "calm down" 🙄

OP posts:
NotQuiteUsual · 20/03/2022 08:54

I can't believe so many of you are going through the same thing! I've spent my whole life fixing things for my mum. Recently gave up and went NC when I realised nothing would be good enough. I'm so sorry for everyone on here dealing with the same. But thank you all for sharing.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 20/03/2022 08:57

My dad is awesome. We get on well and he's a very kind and loving man. He is just very protective of my mum.

my dad messaged me saying I'd upset my mum and I should apologise

I'm sure he is a lovely man, but it isn't awesome that he is happy to throw you under the truck of your mother's dysfunction, either because he enters into it with her, or for an easy life. I am guessing he has done this every single day throughout your childhood, and he will do the exact same thing to your children.

I am not saying that to stir up trouble, only because you seem fully accepting of their behaviour to you but you might just feel differently about subjecting your children to the same treatment.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/03/2022 09:02

The more I read about your mother the more narcissistic she comes across as. Her behaviour pre wedding is so very typical and she made this all about her yet again.

Women like this cannot do relationships at all and always need a willing enabler to help them; that person here is your dad. I am so sorry but he is not awesome; he has failed to protect you from the excesses of his wife's behaviour. He is a weak bystander of a man, a man who has thrown you as his daughter under the bus so as to avoid being her target.

Lurking9to5 · 20/03/2022 09:04

I agree, my dad is a foot soldier. And when the chips were down, he flung me under a bus.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but his number one priority is keeping the peace and he goes about that not by saying, hey, we should listen to lurking, we can't just dictate that there will be no conversation here, nope, he says ''you hurt your mother'' (trying to force a conversation)

gingerhills · 20/03/2022 09:10

I also agree with PP that your dad is not 'awesome', he's an enabler. This is a classic pattern - difficult narcissist and apparent saint of a spouse. But the saintly spouse is just as manipulative. Encouraging you to apologise when she has upset you is not treating you as a person in your own right, with needs that deserve to be met and emotions that are as valid as hers.

spacehardware · 20/03/2022 09:12

Agree with the others, your dad is complicit in this.