I wish my mum was normal

[Disneydatknee88]

I wish my mum was normal. I know that sounds horrible but she has a lot of mental health problems. We were constantly treading on eggshells growing up as to not upset mum. Her feelings trumped everyone else's.

I had my mum to visit this weekend. We have just moved to Wales and I've been so looking forward to having her here to show her around and have her spend time with me and the grandkids. We have had a lovely time. I gave her the grand tour yesterday. We had a pamper evening. Face packs and chit chat in front of the telly. I took her out with the kids today. To the beach and then a lovely country park. Its been gorgeous sunshine. I thought we were having a lovely time but when we got home she flounced off.

We didn't have any plans this evening. I invited her back to ours for dinner and then she was due to go back to the hotel later on as she does like her own space and wanted to just chill on her own tonight. We got home, i put the oven on and I popped up to the loo. When I came downstairs my husband said your mum has packed her bag and gone. I managed to catch her loading the car and asked her what was up. She had got it into her head that I'd had enough of her and she was upset and wanted to leave. This literally came out of nowhere. I was really shocked. I apologised for unintentionally upsetting her and pleaded with her to stay. She said she was teary and wanted to leave to she left. There is no drip feed here. We have not had any cross words today.

She txt me later on from her hotel room. She basically made up this whole scenario in her head. My husband made a comment that she's my daughters new favourite and I joked that her favourite is whoever is paying her the most attention. It's a running joke. He is the favourite when he's spending lots of time with her. I'm the favourite when she's spending a lot of time with me. My mum took that as a dig and that I was angry at her that my daughter liked her better. Ive no idea why. I was looking forward to them bonding today. I don't care who she likes! She also thought I was trying to terf her out early because when we got home (around 5pm) I asked my husband if he wanted dinner now as this is our usual dinner time and she thought I was trying to get dinner out the way so I could get rid of her earlier. She also said she thought she got weird vibes from me earlier when we were walking back to the car. I was happy and smiley the whole time. Like where has she got this from?! She is very insecure. I told her I wouldn't have invited her up here if I didn't want her here. I've had a great time and if she was feeling put out id rather she told me instead of running off. It's made me feel crappy and it's confused the kids as they don't know why she's disappeared. We have plans again tomorrow and now I feel weird about it. But now she's calmed down and let me apologise for things I've not even done, she's kinda washed over it like ok cool what time are we going out tomorrow? Why did a nice weekend have to end in drama? I wish this could have just been the nice weekend I was anticipating.

My DM was the same. Always had to ruin everything particularly if it wasnt about or she couldnt make it about her. She would sit and sulk and wait for fuss even at funerals.

She loved it when things went wrong for me and told everyone about it. Any successes I had were never congratulated or mentioned.

I had to stop dealing with her.

I agree with TheYearofSmallThings. He doesn't sound awesome. He has enabled your mother and contributed to her emotional abuse of you. You might be shocked by that; "abuse" is a strong word, but that's what it is.

It doesn't take a rocket science to work out why you feel the need to apologise when you haven't done anything wrong. Your father has made you do it your whole life!

I second Attila's book recommendation of 'Toxic Parents' (in addition to the book I already mentioned).

a rocket scientist

I agree with the others OP, your mum likely has a personality disorder and your dad is her enabler. It's a common pattern, in fact it's the blueprint for these toxic relationships.

Definitely do some reading on websites like Out of the Fog. You will start to see the situation a lot more clearly and will be better equipped to protect yourself and your children.

I also do not think your dad is awesome. He prioritised the feelings of his wife over his minor children, thus causing you further trauma. Perhaps you could read up on the FOG, then come back and reread this thread with a different perspective?

You are an adult and parent now. You, your mum and your dad are equals and you do not have to obey the order to apologise. I understand why you did it as a child. You were protecting yourself and the apology was an act of self-preservation. However, your dad is still treating you like a child and it sounds as if both parentified you growing up.

This is how my late inlaws were.
My late mil was narcissistic and had borderline personality disorder ( all diagnosed by professionals in this field) and my late fil would continually back her up and make sure we were always the bad guys whenever she was upset about nothing or felt we were not paying her enough attention. She used to manipulate every situation and it always had to be about her. He enabled her to act this way because he didn't want the fall out of admitting his wife was being unreasonable.
I am sorry your mum is like this op.
It is difficult and whatever you do will never be good enough I'm afraid.
It is hard to deal with.
Your not the one in the wrong , just hold on to this.

Protect your child. Both your parents sound awful.

Firstly welcome to Wales. Fantastic place to live.

Secondly, I have a very similar mum. She is also living to be closer and I have second thoughts frequently but am hoping ‘little and often’ will be easier than long visits.

I have also started gently and with humour challenging her. It’s not working but I’m not engaging with it so much and not jetting get anxiety organise me so much.

No quick fix and no easy answers. I know what it’s like though.

You said in your first paragraph that your mum mad always had mental health issues.

I’m sorry, but you seem to be ignoring them?

She made it up. She just wanted an excuse to go home early. So she blamed it on you.

@MrsSkylerWhite

You said in your first paragraph that your mum mad always had mental health issues.

I’m sorry, but you seem to be ignoring them?

How do you mean?

Having a mother with serious mental health issues is extremely challenging. It can absolutely destroy a person if they don't put boundaries in place to protect themselves.

It's impossible to help someone who doesn't want help.

@TheYearOfSmallThings

YANBU to wish she was normal - anyone would wish that. But YABU to keep apologising for accidentally upsetting her - I think it would be better for both of you for you to be firm and clear that you said and did nothing to upset her, and that if she wants to leave that is of course her choice, but you are hurt and disappointed by this. I would also be careful as your children grow up that she doesn't make them feel guilty and upset for no reason, as she does to you.

Of course it is sad for her to be the way she is, but you could pour all of your own and your children's resources into soothing and reassuring get and it would do no good to her and only harm you.

This is good advice OP. Only apologise when you are in the wrong. It's horrible for you but you have to draw a line now, especially as you don't want your own children being caught up in this unhealthy dynamic. Your mother's issues and mental health problems aren't your responsibility to resolve. Only she can help herself and as she is an adult, it's her own responsibility to do so. It was very unfair of her to confuse and upset you and your children like that, and a small bit cruel too. I'm sorry OP this must be a head-wrecker for you but please, look after yourself and your DC and go LC with her until she sorts herself out. If she ever does!

@Herecomesthesun2022

Strop not strip 😆

I did cop on that was what you meant but it did make me laugh! Was it the autocorrect that MNers are always giving out about? I don't know about correct, it seems to cause more confusion than correction but it has given me a fair few laughs anyway, lol!

I moved to be closer to my mother and it was the worst thing I ever did. I feel perpetually guilty that I’m not seeing her or doing more for her. I dread visits. I’m in a permanent state of guilt. Our relationship has never been worse. Don’t do it.

My mum is the same, just makes stuff up in her head, angers herself over it or upsets herself. I've been NC for almost 6 years,

Stop apologising, you havnt upset her, she's upset herself