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Relationships

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Original poster

Affair during pandemic. Help :(

94 replies

RachelJen213 · 19/03/2022 12:49

Hi Ladies,

I’m in the thick of the biggest dilemma of my life and have been for the last year. My partner of 5 years lost his job for the entirety of the pandemic and basically couldn’t catch a break no matter how hard he tried. I eventually ended up having to support us. Partly financially but mostly simply with picking up the pieces of house and finance organisation as he completely lost his mind from the stress.

Toward the end we were in the worst and most stressful position we had ever been in in our relationship and I found out he had gotten himself involved in a very superficial affair as a stupid and extremely emotionally immature means to escape. He is just shy of 30 and I am just 35 to add insult to injury.

We have been planning to start a family, literally this year, ever since we got together. He was a primary driver for that and has always been desperate to be a dad. We tried to muddle through with therapy etc for 9 months after but were still under immense stress with the work situation so it only did so much.

He finally managed to get back on track after christmas, starting his dream career. At this point I finally completely burned out and went away for a few months to spend time with family and recover. Whilst we were apart I felt hopeful that we could work things out, was able to take stock of the circumstances and how sorry he was. We have recently decided to give things another go but I have just come back from a weeks holiday together completely deflated.

There is no doubt in my mind that he has learned a very hard lesson, but also part of me wonders whether you truly learn it until you’ve lost everything. In so many ways we are so good together and he is trying so hard to repair, but minor issues in our relationship are now under a microscope for me and it just seems like everything is broken. I feel like I am faced with the biggest leap of faith either way - either we start a family and can put the disaster of the last two years behind us, trusting that it will all turn out alright - or I jump ship at 35 and hope to god I find someone I can start a fresh with who will make me happy in time to start a family. I will also be doing this in London where it is notoriously about 10 times harder to find a decent partner anyway.

My question is, has anyone ever been in this situation? It’s been a year, but only really a few months since the stress of what caused it finally stopped. Life is just about to do a 180 for us. Does the pain of the betrayal ever go away? Would you try to forgive and move on given the extreme circumstances (and also possibly our age gap - we’ve been together since he was 24 🙄) coming into play here.

I feel like I’m terrified of missing out but also so scared of never being able to let go of the resentment. I’m constantly dreaming of my freedom. He knows everything I am going through at the moment and we have even discussed what co-parenting would look like if we can’t get past the hurt. I have no doubt we’d be great and he’d be an amazing father. I would be gutted to not have him in my life at all but it feels so irresponsible to be even considering bringing life into the world in the current position we are in. I don’t feel like I have the luxury of time on my side though 😞 What would you do...

OP posts:

SamphiretheStickerist · 19/03/2022 13:03

Well, you seem to have found a number of reasons he did what he did. Do you, in your heart of hearts believe any of them?

If you don't, if you are trying to excuse him because if fear, fear of being alone, starting again, never having kids, then you need to think it all through fully, for yourself, only considering yourself.

If you don't find it in your to both forgive and, eventually, forget his infidelity then be honest with yourself and make your decision based on that truth.

Don't let anyone tell you that your decision is wrong. It is yours to make, not his, friends, family or anonymous posters here. But do be sure that you really can deal with his affair before committing to kids.

Whatever00 · 19/03/2022 13:12

I wouldn't have kids under these circumstances. Having children puts relationships under a lot of pressure. You need to decide of the relationship has a future and work on building bridges first. I think you need counselling as a couple and individually before you bring another person into this scenario.

Sonaftersonafterson · 19/03/2022 13:15

Honestly... I wouldn't.

He did what he did and no matter how sorry it shows a real character flaw and weakness. Highly likely he will do it again as the consequences have not been too bad. You're still together.

Even if he doesnt, I promise you, this will always be there. In the background. Dont pit yourself through it. You're 35 not 65, dont do this to yourself.

BOOTS52 · 19/03/2022 13:33

Sorry you are going through this and I think you know what you should and need to do by your gut feeling. Having a baby puts enormous stress on the best of relationships so I would not be having a baby with him now. See how things go for a year if you do want to stay with him. You are only a few years older than him so stop worrying about the age. For me personally I could not move past the betrayal and hurt and the trust broken would always be there. Only you can make this decision and do not settle for this just because you want a child and only you know what you should do. Also ask yourself if a friend or sister was going through this what advise would you give them. You seem to be making excuses for him but many of us go through awful times but do not have affairs and then try to justify it and minimize it. Wishing you well and hope you do what is best for you.

Sunnytwobridges · 19/03/2022 13:43

This is a tough one. I feel like youbtwo haven’t had enough time to heal and deal with affair. You both probably need counselling but the problem is it may take at least a year or two until you’re in a good place, if you even get there. Meaning your fertility window will be shortened.

I would give it a year to work thru things then go from there

BOOTS52 · 19/03/2022 13:55

Also while you were working and earning for the both of you and probably tired and stressed also he was having an affair. Just think on that for a few minutes. Some people get past it and can move on. Forget about the baby situation. Would you stay with him if you were a few years younger? That is what you have to ask yourself or do you want to stay because you feel you have invested those years with him and you want a baby and worried about meeting someone else and having a family. Did you talk to your closest friends and family and what was their advise to you as they know you the best.

Marineboy67 · 19/03/2022 14:04

I'd think long and hard about having kids with someone you can't trust. Someone who turned to someone else when the going gets tough. When you have a new baby it becomes the soul input of your attention for a long time. As well as bringing a lot of joy it changes the dynamic of any relationship. Yours doesn't sound healthy enough to pursue this.

KosherDill · 19/03/2022 14:08

Do not choose this person as the father of your offspring. It's really unfair to any prospective kids.

UniversalAunt · 19/03/2022 14:27

You had a shared 5 year plan to TTC when you are approx. 35yo & he has been a keen partner, if not driver, up until… some LifeShit hits the fan.

You kept an even keel for both of you by stepping up to keep the hearth & home going as best you can. He in turn sabotages the trust & goodwill between you.

Hmmmm, all he had to do was his best to get through the storm & be loyal to you & your relationship. Not too much of ask of an adult man.

Is he really a keeper?
How can either of you trust that he won’t deflect & deflate your relationship when you have children & life gets tough?

At 35yo, you can meet someone lovely & fab - you’ll have a sharper eye next time - & although generally fertility at your age declines, much is possible. You can go it alone & use assisted conception if your desire for a child is strong - costs£ & there are no guarantees, but that’s life.

LetHimHaveIt · 19/03/2022 14:34

It seems to me that you're doing much of the hard work for him by so easily accepting his account if the affair. How do you know it was 'very superficial' and 'a means of escape'? Because he says so, presumably?

WatieKatie · 19/03/2022 14:40

If there are cracks in your relationship now having a baby will only make them worse.

tara66 · 19/03/2022 14:42

Perhaps he needs more time to grow up though - time you do not want to waste? What if he loses his job again after you have had a child - even more stress on you than before without one? Is he really reliable now?

namechangedfordifficultissue · 19/03/2022 14:42

I would rather be alone forever than with someone who treated me with such disrespect. Who showed such weakness under strain where you had strength. Take your freedom and run with it. Life is too important to be tied to someone who can treat you like this, however sorry he claims he is.

girlmom21 · 19/03/2022 14:46

but minor issues in our relationship are now under a microscope for me and it just seems like everything is broken. I feel like I am faced with the biggest leap of faith either way - either we start a family and can put the disaster of the last two years behind us, trusting that it will all turn out alright

And what if it doesn't? What about the children that would be stuck in the middle?

It's nothing to do with your age gap. 5 years is nothing. There's 10 years between me and DP and if either of us cheated itd be over. Simple as.
We have 2 children.

RelentlessForwardProgress · 19/03/2022 14:49

"There is no doubt in my mind that he has learned a very hard lesson, but also part of me wonders whether you truly learn it until you’ve lost everything"

I think the truth is that some people never learn, no matter what the consequences, as that is just who they are.

Inevitably having a baby is going to make you more vulnerable and reliant on your partner, and honesty, he just doesn't sound like he'd be able to step up when needed. As hard as it is given you age, I'd start afresh.

anewlife22 · 19/03/2022 14:53

God no. If you feel unsure after a week's holiday. Imagine how you may feel with the added head fuck of hormones, exhaustion, loss of identity, loss of libido, body changes, etc

No. Move on. Don't look back or make a decision based on fear.

EarringsandLipstick · 19/03/2022 15:00

When he hit a difficult patch, this was his decision - to have an affair.

You will undoubtedly face more challenging times in your relationship, especially if you have DC. How someone deals with challenges is a mark of who they are as a person

To me, it wrong he did this, and even more wrong he's managed to get you thinking it's attributable to the pressure he was under at the time.

Time to reconsider.

BoredZelda · 19/03/2022 15:07

You’re making an awful lot of excuses for the poor wee lamb and all those stresses that made him be unfaithful when you were knocking your pan in to keep everything together.

I assume you’re doing that because the clock is ticking and you are afraid you’ll never have children. If I’m completely honest, and I really wanted to have children, I’d probably stay long enough to do that then strike out on my own. People might say it’s unfair on him to do that, but he put you in this position due to being a selfish arse. If you think you could deal with being a single parent and your child(ren) wouldn’t lose out, I see no reason not to plough on with your plans.

GeneLovesJezebel · 19/03/2022 15:10

I don’t think you should stay together. This will never go away.

IsThePopeCatholic · 19/03/2022 15:15

If it were me, I would go. He sounds weak and unreliable, and overly dependent on you. It all sounds too risky, op.

Nicolarer · 19/03/2022 15:17

Take your desire to start a family out of the equation. What would you do then?

Underfrighter · 19/03/2022 15:20

I'm not sure I would stay. The pandemic was shit for everyone and I know a lot of people's health suffered. But there are going to be other life events that are more stressful in that in the future. There will be illness, deaths, job troubles, family issues and like PP have said, babies put the most enormous stress on everything. If he genuinely couldn't cope with the stress last time and did something stupid I can see how you've tried to get past it...but really what changes has he actually put in place to make sure that when things get tough again in the future that something similar wont happen

Loopytiles · 19/03/2022 15:20

Best thing to do would be to end this relationship. He’s not a good bet.

Having a DC with him would be unlikely to turn out well.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 19/03/2022 15:21

Please do not have children with this man.

IMO he isn't mature enough to be in a marriage, never mind be a father.

I would end it now and look for someone with better coping skills.

forcedfun · 19/03/2022 15:24

What do you mean by " a very superficial affair " ?

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