Affair during pandemic. Help :(

[RachelJen213]

Hi Ladies,

I’m in the thick of the biggest dilemma of my life and have been for the last year. My partner of 5 years lost his job for the entirety of the pandemic and basically couldn’t catch a break no matter how hard he tried. I eventually ended up having to support us. Partly financially but mostly simply with picking up the pieces of house and finance organisation as he completely lost his mind from the stress.

Toward the end we were in the worst and most stressful position we had ever been in in our relationship and I found out he had gotten himself involved in a very superficial affair as a stupid and extremely emotionally immature means to escape. He is just shy of 30 and I am just 35 to add insult to injury.

We have been planning to start a family, literally this year, ever since we got together. He was a primary driver for that and has always been desperate to be a dad. We tried to muddle through with therapy etc for 9 months after but were still under immense stress with the work situation so it only did so much.

He finally managed to get back on track after christmas, starting his dream career. At this point I finally completely burned out and went away for a few months to spend time with family and recover. Whilst we were apart I felt hopeful that we could work things out, was able to take stock of the circumstances and how sorry he was. We have recently decided to give things another go but I have just come back from a weeks holiday together completely deflated.

There is no doubt in my mind that he has learned a very hard lesson, but also part of me wonders whether you truly learn it until you’ve lost everything. In so many ways we are so good together and he is trying so hard to repair, but minor issues in our relationship are now under a microscope for me and it just seems like everything is broken. I feel like I am faced with the biggest leap of faith either way - either we start a family and can put the disaster of the last two years behind us, trusting that it will all turn out alright - or I jump ship at 35 and hope to god I find someone I can start a fresh with who will make me happy in time to start a family. I will also be doing this in London where it is notoriously about 10 times harder to find a decent partner anyway.

My question is, has anyone ever been in this situation? It’s been a year, but only really a few months since the stress of what caused it finally stopped. Life is just about to do a 180 for us. Does the pain of the betrayal ever go away? Would you try to forgive and move on given the extreme circumstances (and also possibly our age gap - we’ve been together since he was 24 🙄) coming into play here.

I feel like I’m terrified of missing out but also so scared of never being able to let go of the resentment. I’m constantly dreaming of my freedom. He knows everything I am going through at the moment and we have even discussed what co-parenting would look like if we can’t get past the hurt. I have no doubt we’d be great and he’d be an amazing father. I would be gutted to not have him in my life at all but it feels so irresponsible to be even considering bringing life into the world in the current position we are in. I don’t feel like I have the luxury of time on my side though 😞 What would you do...

@Ricksteinsfishwife only because this is the focus at the moment and he is still in my bad books. Love definitely takes a huge hit when you have been betrayed like that.

Obviously all of that comes into play massively. We fit together extremely well and in so many ways he has been unbelievably good for me. Surprising it's because of him that I was able to recover from a serious mental health incident. It's very complicated.

Someone mentioned before about if kids weren't on the cards you wouldn't think twice about leaving and actually I don't think that's true for me. I think we'd probably stay together without the worry of involving a smaller person if we can't work through it. It's the thought of kids that is adding the most stress.

Either way, doing all I can to focus on myself and hoping the answer becomes very clear soon ❤️

You say that you have both always planned on having children around now. So while he was having an affair, he was also planning a family with you? That makes it worse.

It means that he can talk the talk (I want to marry you / I want to have a child with you) while still cheating and lying to you.

It means when he says those things in future, they won't be a guarantee of his commitment and love.

His response to being under pressure was an affair. That is no excuse. And if it's how he responds to pressure, then you can expect more of the same if he has more job problems, money issues, health issues, pregnancy problems, pressures of small children.... the list goes on. You need someone who rallies together with you at times of stress, not someone who looks for someone else to sleep with behind your back.

Once a cheat always a cheat. He's done it once, he knows he can do it again. The trust has gone. Don't waste your time on this fool and find someone who truly appreciates you!

I absolutely would not start a family with the man you have described.

I found out he had gotten himself involved in a very superficial affair as a stupid and extremely emotionally immature means to escape.

This makes it sound like he was forced into an affair. Did he tell you it was superficial ? It's part of the Cheater's Playbook to downplay the affair because the cheated person can't prove it and the cheated person wants to believe the person that they love.

Pregnancy and the first year of having a child is really tough. It's very boring in bits and a common time for cheaters to cheat. The mother is tired so not taking care of her appearance or in the mood for sex and the father has to share the mother's attention with the baby. Not unusual for new fathers to stay at work longer than usual because home life is tiring and boring.

There is no doubt in my mind that he has learned a very hard lesson,

Really? Why? I see no signs of this. He's only 30 so could even have kids in 20 years time.

I would not take the leap of faith and involve kids. Ime the first year of having a baby is super stressful on a couple and it wouldn't be fair to involve a baby given the current state of your relationship. You might be able to forgive him, you might not but it's risky to involve a child with the gamble. You deserve peace of mind rather than worrying about what he's up to and who he's talking to

@Broads93

Once a cheat always a cheat. He's done it once, he knows he can do it again. The trust has gone. Don't waste your time on this fool and find someone who truly appreciates you!

This is just not true. Many many people mess up, have regrets and never do it again.

What I read in your post was that you would start again, but you're 35 and live in London, and anticipate it'll be harder to meet someone who'll make you happy. You also feel sorry for this man and he really wants to be a dad.

None of those are valid reasons for having a baby with him, are they?

I will never understand why women decide to have children when they aren't married. It is already a rocky relationship, why on earth are you going to start a family with this man.

In the time I've been with DP, we both faced job loss each, bereavement, money issues, long before we began TTC. So we knew that we could depend on each other when shit hit the fan and the trust that gave us enabled us to face the difficult TTC years.
We had fertility investigations and treatments, and several miscarriages that almost destroyed my mental health. I could not have done that with someone I didn't trust with my life. Now DC is almost 10 and all the baby years, the toddler years, the nights we were up all night with a sick child, even more so I am grateful that the father of my child was solid as a rock to me as I was to him.

So think very carefully having a child with a man who seemed determined to self-sabotage everything he said he wanted and hurt you the way he did. Because life is tough and hard and messy as well as being wonderful and brilliant and your future DC need that dad who is in it for the long haul, who won't freak out at the first sign of something challenging and go off with an OW to escape reality.

[quote RachelJen213]@dumdumduuuummmmm Thankyou.

I know people on this thread will think I am making excuses but tbh this is a huge factor. I think the biggest mistake we made here was trying to muddle through a serious relationship with a man who was going through their 20s. Age has been a big factor here. I know it's a sweeping generalisation but I have a lot of male friends and none of their relationships lasted in their 20s because they were still figuring a lot of shit out. I for one was a huge mess in my 20s and only started to get my shit together at 30. I recognise a lot of his other growing up behaviour in myself.

This post has been so helpful ladies thanks so much. We have decided to give it 6 months, in which I will focus wholly on repairing myself from the stress of the last 2 years, and him continuing to get his shit together.

I'm sure I'll have clarity on whether I want to move forward or not then.

Really appreciate all the comments ❤️[/quote]
My OH is 9 years younger than me and he was 23 when our DD was born. When DD was 6 months old, he was made redundant. He managed not to cheat and instead started job hunting straight away and worked his backside off in 2 pretty crappy jobs. He was 26 when we bought our first house together. He's now 33, a wonderful Dad and has got a fantastic career. Not all 20 something's are a mess!

I hope everything works out for you ❤️

If I was ready for a child and was confident and happy to bring it up alone I may go ahead. Many women have children alone if they don't have a partner and feel time is not on their side. However, if it was important to me to have a child within a secure relationship with an involved father, I wouldn't with him. I would not be optimistic about the relationship lasting. Not only due to his age (and I agree with the points you make) but also because I think he has damaged your feelings for him too much, and I think your resentment of him will grow.

You talk about co-parenting in case you split up (due to not being able to get over the betrayal)…you do realise if you have kids together he will be in your life forever, even after kids leave home he will be there when your kids graduate, get married, have grandchildren…it sounds like you are setting yourself up for a disaster.

@SunshinePie this isn't true. We get on extremely well and as I said earlier I'd be devastated to lose him from my life completely. We'd be great long term parents no matter what happened. I don't hate him at all and I've forgiven him. I understand why it happened. It's just whether I can get past that nagging feeling that there is something better out there for me. We have talked all this through and we are both aware of the realities. This is the conundrum. I've always wanted him to be the father on my children no matter what.

@rhowton you mentioned earlier about why I'd even be considering doing this without marriage... first off I feel like there are plenty of people on this thread that may find that insensitive. People have all sorts of views on marriage and come from all sorts of backgrounds including culturally. It means different things to different people. I for one came from a home where marriage was a highly toxic trapping that caused my mother to become extremely unstable. Many people have come from those homes. I also work in the wedding industry so not only do I have a very very tainted view and get to see just how many fall apart afterwards, it's also bloody expensive these days to do it how you want to. I'd rather save and buy a house together. Seems like a humungous waste of a house deposit with the market the way it currently is. Yeah you could do a quick registry office thing but I would feel sad to have to do that in place of a celebration I wanted that I could possibly do when the roots are down later in life. I just don't think it's the be all and end all. Trust and commitment is what it boils down to (That's why I am here I know).

That being said, the reason any marriage plans are on hold for us is because of what happened. We probably would have eloped by now if it hadn't. For me the clock is ticking on the kids decision. Marriage is the last thing on my mind. I told him if we ever find out we can successfully raise kids together, maybe we can get married and tie eachother to eachother then.

Otherwise, I am fiercely independent, financially secure, run 3 businesses on my own, and I've been through enough to know I'd be a bloody good mother with or without him directly there. That's what I'm up against. It's a huge leap of faith for me either way.

The issue I'm up against at the moment is thinking how incredibly difficult it would be to walk away when both of us still love each-other, are such a huge part of each other's lives and in an ideal world would want to let go of the past and be together. We call and text each-other multiple times a day. Live together in the same place pretty harmoniously. I honestly don't know how people manage to walk away in those circumstances, it must take the most insane amount of strength which I'm worried I don't have or by the time it's taken me to build it up with therapy etc, my chance will be gone.

Hey Ladies.

Just wanna update you all that I build up the strength to leave him and 3 months later I met the love of my life and man of my dreams beyond my wildest comprehension. Thank you for all your words and support. I just wanted to post this in case anyone is in a similar situation to me. Miracles can happen 😂❤️

How wonderful. That's so lovely.
I am a bit in the same boat as you have been, but I already have kids.
I think I want it all to be over, but he is so desperate to keep trying and I feel unable to hurt him even though he broke me.
Plus the ramifications of separation when there are kids, a home, a dog and the current financial crisis.
Nice to hear a happy ending.

My advice is that people never overcome the trust being broken by an affair. I think you'll always wonder - little situations will set you off and wondering. He'll be late from work, or he'll say he's "working on a big project" or "he decided to stay out at a mates" and once that trust is broken you will then always wonder if those sorts of things are true, or are a cover. My advice is have a clean break. Move on. Sorry you are going through this he sounds a twat.

So lovely of you to come back and update us. Thank you. I wish you both all the best for the future

Ah a happy ending, so pleased for you OP x