Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair during pandemic. Help :(

94 replies

RachelJen213 · 19/03/2022 12:49

Hi Ladies,

I’m in the thick of the biggest dilemma of my life and have been for the last year. My partner of 5 years lost his job for the entirety of the pandemic and basically couldn’t catch a break no matter how hard he tried. I eventually ended up having to support us. Partly financially but mostly simply with picking up the pieces of house and finance organisation as he completely lost his mind from the stress.

Toward the end we were in the worst and most stressful position we had ever been in in our relationship and I found out he had gotten himself involved in a very superficial affair as a stupid and extremely emotionally immature means to escape. He is just shy of 30 and I am just 35 to add insult to injury.

We have been planning to start a family, literally this year, ever since we got together. He was a primary driver for that and has always been desperate to be a dad. We tried to muddle through with therapy etc for 9 months after but were still under immense stress with the work situation so it only did so much.

He finally managed to get back on track after christmas, starting his dream career. At this point I finally completely burned out and went away for a few months to spend time with family and recover. Whilst we were apart I felt hopeful that we could work things out, was able to take stock of the circumstances and how sorry he was. We have recently decided to give things another go but I have just come back from a weeks holiday together completely deflated.

There is no doubt in my mind that he has learned a very hard lesson, but also part of me wonders whether you truly learn it until you’ve lost everything. In so many ways we are so good together and he is trying so hard to repair, but minor issues in our relationship are now under a microscope for me and it just seems like everything is broken. I feel like I am faced with the biggest leap of faith either way - either we start a family and can put the disaster of the last two years behind us, trusting that it will all turn out alright - or I jump ship at 35 and hope to god I find someone I can start a fresh with who will make me happy in time to start a family. I will also be doing this in London where it is notoriously about 10 times harder to find a decent partner anyway.

My question is, has anyone ever been in this situation? It’s been a year, but only really a few months since the stress of what caused it finally stopped. Life is just about to do a 180 for us. Does the pain of the betrayal ever go away? Would you try to forgive and move on given the extreme circumstances (and also possibly our age gap - we’ve been together since he was 24 🙄) coming into play here.

I feel like I’m terrified of missing out but also so scared of never being able to let go of the resentment. I’m constantly dreaming of my freedom. He knows everything I am going through at the moment and we have even discussed what co-parenting would look like if we can’t get past the hurt. I have no doubt we’d be great and he’d be an amazing father. I would be gutted to not have him in my life at all but it feels so irresponsible to be even considering bringing life into the world in the current position we are in. I don’t feel like I have the luxury of time on my side though 😞 What would you do...

OP posts:
JuneBug94 · 19/03/2022 21:13

So is this post about you, or not?

As you said 'as is this one'

And then said it's about you?

Or is this a wind up?

Either way I hope things work out for you / the person you're writing about or the person in the narrative

Original poster
RachelJen213 · 19/03/2022 21:15

I wish more than anything it was a wind up rn 😂

OP posts:
MrsIglesias · 19/03/2022 21:20

I dont think affairs are the end of the world. Sorting out things after one can actually make the couple stronger. Check out esther perel's work on it. If it's just the affair and everything else is great I wouldn't leave I think though I understand finding it hard to get past the hurt. If its more than that, then its a different matter. Maybe get couples therapy either way? Also don't ever share about feeling like you may not have any other options. I think that would make your relationship harder.

Shrekles20 · 19/03/2022 21:41

Having kids puts a massive strain on your relationship and when he’s not centre of attention he probably won’t like it.

I’d cut your losses now.

Midlifemusings · 19/03/2022 21:47

If you are thinking you might want to make it work, why not stay with him for awhile and see how it feels. Definitely do not get pregnant for at least a year from the time you get back together if you decide to go that route. If you feel you can forgive and you see a future with him, test out that feeling and see if it holds in day to day life. It will either start to fall into place and feel right or it will keep feeling deflating and like you are treading water.

Itsbackagain · 19/03/2022 21:57

Don't use a child as a sticking plaster. He has betrayed you once, he'll do it again. My DP lost his job during lockdown too, he didn't stray, emotionally or physically.

Squeezyhug · 19/03/2022 22:33

Couples counselling maybe ?
Don’t stay with him for the sake of having a baby if you can’t trust him.
Give it 6 months.

YellowPetal · 19/03/2022 22:43

I would give it time. See how he comes from it, see if there is a visible work put in to fix it and make you both stronger as a couple.

It is easy to walk away. And it is easy to forget that none of us is perfect. I have done things I am regretting that hurt others in past - my emotional maturity has grown over the years..

LYSHB · 19/03/2022 23:03

I think what makes this even more difficult to comprehend is that we were all told to distance during the pandemic/stay in bubbles yadda yadda…. And yet he’s having an affair putting you at risk of so much.

Thewindwhispers · 19/03/2022 23:14

Wow. I’m so sorry OP, that’s really hard.

Normally I would say an affair = it’s over, but if you want kids and this is realistically your only chance without a sperm bank and single motherhood, then that’s relevant too, so wow that is hard.

It doesn’t really matter why hendid what he did. The bottom line is, do you still love him?

Only you can answer this. I’m so very sorry.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 20/03/2022 00:13

It's a damn sight harder to find somebody willing to fuck an unemployed twat feeling sorry for himself than it is to get one's arse out of somebody else's bed and get a job driving a van or in a supermarket over lockdown. If he'd put a quarter of the effort into getting a temporary job as he did getting his end way whilst you paid for him to have a shower before going to screw her, he'd have had work.

But of course, he's the poor little lamb feeling bad for himself, living off you, who had no choice but to bury his sorrows balls deep in her.

What on earth do you think he's going to be doing the moment you feel a little unwell in a future pregnancy? He's going to be looking for the same again.

Ohya · 20/03/2022 01:03

Everyone deserves a second chance. You say he ha learnt a hard lesson and appears genuine. If you are able to forgive would be great. It would be the beginning of healing. I would hold on a baby first until in a better place though.

bluesberry · 20/03/2022 03:12

we have even discussed what co-parenting would look like if we can’t get past the hurt. I have no doubt we’d be great and he’d be an amazing father.

What you think now is absolutely meaningless.
There have been many women who have had kids with a man who appeared to be great dads...after a break up those dads are not interested in the kids or do the very bare minimum and they are unrecognisable compared to how they were when in the relationship.

NorthSouthcatlady · 20/03/2022 03:20

Naaah l wouldn’t. He sounds weak and pathetic quite frankly. I split with my first husband and met someone else at your age. 35 is definitely not too old to start again

Scottishskifun · 20/03/2022 03:32

My DH went through 3 redundancies in less then a 2 year period due to downturn issues up here (career positions) he never jumped into bed with anyone else because he was feeling rubbish!

Being a parent is tough so when it gets tough do you trust him to step up or would you be concerned that he was back jumping into bed with others when you don't want sex for months on end because of tiredness, body changes, pregnancy uncomfortable or dealing with a newborn?

If you can't trust him then it's no relationship.

Loopytiles · 20/03/2022 07:28

Why would this be OP’s ‘last chance’ to have DC? If she dumps this loser asap and gets out dating, odds are good of having a better relationship and DC with someone else.

girlmom21 · 20/03/2022 08:58

we have even discussed what co-parenting would look like if we can’t get past the hurt. I have no doubt we’d be great and he’d be an amazing father.

You also had no doubt he'd never cheat, presumably.

Loopytiles · 20/03/2022 11:49

Yes, and it’s very hard to know in advance whether a man will be a good dad. Lots are not, unfortunately.

JuneBug94 · 20/03/2022 13:19

we have even discussed what co-parenting would look like if we can’t get past the hurt. I have no doubt we’d be great and he’d be an amazing father.

I mean this gently but you are very, very naive.

Littlepaws18 · 20/03/2022 16:28

Babies put huge amounts of pressure on a relationship they don't heal it! Babies are hard work, they are constantly dependent on you, need you almost every minute of every day. You put that amount of pressure on a fractured relationship and it will snap- then you have the life long guilt of bringing another human into this mess.

I was 36 when I met my husband, 39 when I had our baby and now we are happy and planning our lives together.

Before then my life was pretty much car crash!

There is hope, you still can have a family. Even if you chose to with your current partner- I bough my advice is fix your relationship first. Don't have a baby without solid foundations. Being a single parent is not easy.

Maryfloppins · 20/03/2022 16:33

5 years ago my husband had an affair. At the time it truly broke me but I am now with a partner who is 100 times more suitable for he and he has shown me everything I was ‘ settling for’ in my marriage.
The grass is greener, it’s scary to take that leap but this man you are with now does not sound like lifelong partner material .

Yummymummy2020 · 20/03/2022 16:36

I think you deserve far better than this set up. It is a risk granted, but I think you will regret having kids with him. You have already said you didn’t find the therapy helped enough . I think having kids does put a lot of strain on happy relationships and it’s not great to have kids where you are already discussing parenting if you break up. As someone who has had two rough pregnancies, I will warn you ahead that in itself would put strain on the pair of you if you are unlucky enough to be Unwell before the baby comes. Also post pregnancy puts a lot of pressure on a lot of people too in terms of insecurities.
I think it’s a very big risk to have kids with him but maybe not as big a risk to meet someone else even in London. You just have to be at peace that you might not have kids that way.

dumdumduuuummmmm · 24/03/2022 11:15

He's 29? And an imperfect human. People make mistakes. It's up to you to decide whether you can move beyond or not.

Ricksteinsfishwife · 24/03/2022 11:34

I think a lot of women know they should end it and it won’t work but their age and desire for kids makes them desperate and convince themselves to try to make it work so they can have a child.

Your post is nothing about how much you love him and want to be with him and everything about I want a child and if I don’t have one with him then I might never. Which speaks volumes.

Original poster
RachelJen213 · 24/03/2022 11:37

@dumdumduuuummmmm Thankyou.

I know people on this thread will think I am making excuses but tbh this is a huge factor. I think the biggest mistake we made here was trying to muddle through a serious relationship with a man who was going through their 20s. Age has been a big factor here. I know it's a sweeping generalisation but I have a lot of male friends and none of their relationships lasted in their 20s because they were still figuring a lot of shit out. I for one was a huge mess in my 20s and only started to get my shit together at 30. I recognise a lot of his other growing up behaviour in myself.

This post has been so helpful ladies thanks so much. We have decided to give it 6 months, in which I will focus wholly on repairing myself from the stress of the last 2 years, and him continuing to get his shit together.

I'm sure I'll have clarity on whether I want to move forward or not then.

Really appreciate all the comments ❤️

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread