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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair during pandemic. Help :(

94 replies

RachelJen213 · 19/03/2022 12:49

Hi Ladies,

I’m in the thick of the biggest dilemma of my life and have been for the last year. My partner of 5 years lost his job for the entirety of the pandemic and basically couldn’t catch a break no matter how hard he tried. I eventually ended up having to support us. Partly financially but mostly simply with picking up the pieces of house and finance organisation as he completely lost his mind from the stress.

Toward the end we were in the worst and most stressful position we had ever been in in our relationship and I found out he had gotten himself involved in a very superficial affair as a stupid and extremely emotionally immature means to escape. He is just shy of 30 and I am just 35 to add insult to injury.

We have been planning to start a family, literally this year, ever since we got together. He was a primary driver for that and has always been desperate to be a dad. We tried to muddle through with therapy etc for 9 months after but were still under immense stress with the work situation so it only did so much.

He finally managed to get back on track after christmas, starting his dream career. At this point I finally completely burned out and went away for a few months to spend time with family and recover. Whilst we were apart I felt hopeful that we could work things out, was able to take stock of the circumstances and how sorry he was. We have recently decided to give things another go but I have just come back from a weeks holiday together completely deflated.

There is no doubt in my mind that he has learned a very hard lesson, but also part of me wonders whether you truly learn it until you’ve lost everything. In so many ways we are so good together and he is trying so hard to repair, but minor issues in our relationship are now under a microscope for me and it just seems like everything is broken. I feel like I am faced with the biggest leap of faith either way - either we start a family and can put the disaster of the last two years behind us, trusting that it will all turn out alright - or I jump ship at 35 and hope to god I find someone I can start a fresh with who will make me happy in time to start a family. I will also be doing this in London where it is notoriously about 10 times harder to find a decent partner anyway.

My question is, has anyone ever been in this situation? It’s been a year, but only really a few months since the stress of what caused it finally stopped. Life is just about to do a 180 for us. Does the pain of the betrayal ever go away? Would you try to forgive and move on given the extreme circumstances (and also possibly our age gap - we’ve been together since he was 24 🙄) coming into play here.

I feel like I’m terrified of missing out but also so scared of never being able to let go of the resentment. I’m constantly dreaming of my freedom. He knows everything I am going through at the moment and we have even discussed what co-parenting would look like if we can’t get past the hurt. I have no doubt we’d be great and he’d be an amazing father. I would be gutted to not have him in my life at all but it feels so irresponsible to be even considering bringing life into the world in the current position we are in. I don’t feel like I have the luxury of time on my side though 😞 What would you do...

OP posts:
Makeitsoso · 19/03/2022 15:33

I can’t know the answer. I do know that both myself and my DH have at different times been unemployed, suffered physical and mental stress in the twenty years we have been married and whilst it’s been hard, when push comes to shoved, we have had the others ones back even when it’s been immensely difficult.

If I were you I would ask myself a question - if having once we’d had a baby something awful happened e.g I was very unwell or lost my job or our child was very unwell would he 110% have my back - however hard it was? If you are questioning the answer, don’t have a baby with him. Leave him and find someone you can trust.

Strawberry33 · 19/03/2022 15:35

Honestly this is probably the last place I would ask as there’s a lot of people on here that advise people to leave their partners over the tiniest of things.
Affairs happen and I do think that the explanation you gave is very plausable. I think it’s a huge risk to leave at this stage. If you think you can coparent then have the baby and lots of couples counselling. It may still end but that could happen even if you met someone new it’s always a risk that you’ll end up a
Single parent. It’s not irresponsible to have a child in this situation as long as you both love the child no matter what.. which you will. If you decide to leave then please get your fertility tested. Both my partners sisters had an awful shock when they found out they were on their way to menopause at just 32 and 41. I wish you loads of love and luck xxx

Grimsknee · 19/03/2022 15:37

If you're constantly dreaming of your freedom you should think very carefully about having a baby. Nothing ties you down, and ties you to another person, like motherhood.

Loopytiles · 19/03/2022 15:59

It’s not even just the affair - which is shit of course - it’s other things in addition, eg not securing paid work for a long time. You seem to be making excuses for him.

Mylittlepixie · 19/03/2022 16:05

I wouldnt start a family with him unless you have completely forgiven him. A baby puts a lot of stress on a couple and unless youre rock solid its really not a good idea.
I would also question whether i would want a partner who drifts away from me when he is stressed/down etc. instead of working through it together. What happens if hes stressed again?
This time it was because he lost his job. What if that happens again? Or life with a baby is more than he can handle? Or one of you gets ill?
I think he has shown you that hes not part of the team in the clearest way possible.

Fluffycloudland77 · 19/03/2022 16:25

I’m 3 years into my dh being ill and unable to work. I haven’t shagged anyone else though. I don’t intend to either.

They can make any excuse they want for an affair but the basic facts are that they wanted to and thought they’d get away with it.

Holskey · 19/03/2022 16:33

I'm not sure what a superficial affair is, but it sounds like an affair. I'd always prefer to be on my own than have these concerns.

That said, I can understand the temptation to have a child or two with him. There is time: I met my partner at 34 and we have a 20-month-old and another on the way. You just don't know what life will bring either way. All you can do is focus on your happiness and what's best for you now.

FinallyHere · 19/03/2022 16:45

When life gets tough is when you see what people are made of. Someone whose reaction to stress is to have an affair wouldn't be someone I would pick as the father of my children.

Having children can be pretty stressful. I wouldn't want someone I couldn't trust.

NowEvenBetter · 19/03/2022 16:56

Well you know what he does when life gets stressful, so if you chose to have a kid with him you’ll know full well what you’d be getting in to.

You glossed over the affair in your post, what did this man do? People who are struggling tend not to go out and put their time, energy and thoughts into pursuing a connection and sex with someone else while deceiving and lying to their girlfriend. That’s pretty self indulgent and entitled of him.

CaMePlaitPas · 19/03/2022 17:01

You need to walk away, you're not happy and the relationship is too complicated.

If you have a baby with this person expect to go it alone because you will break up once baby gets here. You do not save relationships with babies, it tests even the strongest of relationships.

Original poster
RachelJen213 · 19/03/2022 17:10

Thanks ladies.

When I say superficial, it was a handful of times meeting up with someone who approached him and it was always in and out for sex. I know this because I spoke to her at the time (she reached out to me) and made sure the stories matched up before deciding what to do. One of the worst things about it was how disrespectful he was to her which of course is very telling. She was upset, so I took what she said with a pinch of salt but either way, that was a real hammering on my own morals and upbringing. That being said he was pretty honest with her from the start so she wasn't innocent in the matter by any means.

I think this is what the fear has always boiled down to for me. Knowing that losing your job is one of the least stressful things that can happen over the course of a relationship. Over the course of the year (most people I know in London were made redundant and fighting for work during the pandemic so it wasn't just him) he felt emasculated and useless and that's why he said yes to some attention he shouldn't have. None of this is excuses for me, I'm just telling it how it was. There is cause and effect for everything and as you say, you can then decide what to do with someone who operates in that manner.

These are all super helpful comments for me. Thank-you for taking the time to write x

OP posts:
BadNomad · 19/03/2022 17:47

I don't think you should even try to make yourself get over and trust someone whose reaction/coping mechanism for stress is to use someone else for sex. He is not your only chance to have a baby. You don't even need a man if you're happy to be the sole parent.

MsDogLady · 19/03/2022 17:50

What’s going on, OP?

Last year you were a single 22 year old new Mum. The baby’s Dad was an abusive, irresponsible guy who had repeatedly ghosted you and your child. He and his family had recently become demanding, and you were inquiring about your rights.

Original poster
RachelJen213 · 19/03/2022 17:52

Obviously that post was on behalf of someone else for extra anonymity. As is this one 🙏

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/03/2022 17:54

So this thread isn't about you at all OP...?

girlmom21 · 19/03/2022 17:55

@RachelJen213

Obviously that post was on behalf of someone else for extra anonymity. As is this one 🙏
Are you writing on behalf of your friends or are they writing these posts? Because the :( and thank-you is exactly the same.
Original poster
RachelJen213 · 19/03/2022 17:55

It's about me, yes. The other person needed to be protected at the time but I feel this is slightly irrelevant 😂

OP posts:
BlueMoon23 · 19/03/2022 18:02

Having a baby is like throwing a bomb into a relationship. I am in a string relationship and it very nearly broke us. Every little crack becomes very exposed under the pressure of sleep deprivation and carrying the huge burden of having to keep a newborn alive. I can hear how much you want a child but I think if you do it with your partner now it will destroy your relationship. Take time to heal first and then make a decision.

gannett · 19/03/2022 18:17

OP it sounds like if you didn't want children you wouldn't think twice about ending the relationship.

Knittingchamp · 19/03/2022 18:24

@RachelJen213

Hi Ladies,

I’m in the thick of the biggest dilemma of my life and have been for the last year. My partner of 5 years lost his job for the entirety of the pandemic and basically couldn’t catch a break no matter how hard he tried. I eventually ended up having to support us. Partly financially but mostly simply with picking up the pieces of house and finance organisation as he completely lost his mind from the stress.

Toward the end we were in the worst and most stressful position we had ever been in in our relationship and I found out he had gotten himself involved in a very superficial affair as a stupid and extremely emotionally immature means to escape. He is just shy of 30 and I am just 35 to add insult to injury.

We have been planning to start a family, literally this year, ever since we got together. He was a primary driver for that and has always been desperate to be a dad. We tried to muddle through with therapy etc for 9 months after but were still under immense stress with the work situation so it only did so much.

He finally managed to get back on track after christmas, starting his dream career. At this point I finally completely burned out and went away for a few months to spend time with family and recover. Whilst we were apart I felt hopeful that we could work things out, was able to take stock of the circumstances and how sorry he was. We have recently decided to give things another go but I have just come back from a weeks holiday together completely deflated.

There is no doubt in my mind that he has learned a very hard lesson, but also part of me wonders whether you truly learn it until you’ve lost everything. In so many ways we are so good together and he is trying so hard to repair, but minor issues in our relationship are now under a microscope for me and it just seems like everything is broken. I feel like I am faced with the biggest leap of faith either way - either we start a family and can put the disaster of the last two years behind us, trusting that it will all turn out alright - or I jump ship at 35 and hope to god I find someone I can start a fresh with who will make me happy in time to start a family. I will also be doing this in London where it is notoriously about 10 times harder to find a decent partner anyway.

My question is, has anyone ever been in this situation? It’s been a year, but only really a few months since the stress of what caused it finally stopped. Life is just about to do a 180 for us. Does the pain of the betrayal ever go away? Would you try to forgive and move on given the extreme circumstances (and also possibly our age gap - we’ve been together since he was 24 🙄) coming into play here.

I feel like I’m terrified of missing out but also so scared of never being able to let go of the resentment. I’m constantly dreaming of my freedom. He knows everything I am going through at the moment and we have even discussed what co-parenting would look like if we can’t get past the hurt. I have no doubt we’d be great and he’d be an amazing father. I would be gutted to not have him in my life at all but it feels so irresponsible to be even considering bringing life into the world in the current position we are in. I don’t feel like I have the luxury of time on my side though 😞 What would you do...

Clues:
  1. You're dreaming of your freedom
  2. He shagged someone else
  3. You came back off a holiday with him more miserable than before you left
  4. You're in London, the most packed city full of men you could think of, it's dating central
  5. You can still run before there are kids tying you together

I think I'm no detective but the evidence points to a wasted life if you spend it with this guy.

Didimum · 19/03/2022 18:45

He didn’t have an affair because he was stressed. He had an affair because he’s a person of poor character, the type of character to have an affair.

Aprilx · 19/03/2022 19:18

@RachelJen213

Obviously that post was on behalf of someone else for extra anonymity. As is this one 🙏
Not obvious at all.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/03/2022 19:27

It's about me, yes.

But you just said the other one was about someone else "as is this one" so it's hard to tell now if you're you / posting for someone else / just messing about.

🤷🏻‍♀️

Hopefully your mate from the other thread got rid of her druggie partner and is keeping her child safe.

Original poster
RachelJen213 · 19/03/2022 19:41

Really sensitive topic that one ladies 🙏 And also a long time ago now. Would appreciate not cross posting across this one with respect to the person it involved at the time. Comments on this have been really helpful Thankyou ❤️

OP posts:
JuneBug94 · 19/03/2022 21:08

@Whatever00

I wouldn't have kids under these circumstances. Having children puts relationships under a lot of pressure. You need to decide of the relationship has a future and work on building bridges first. I think you need counselling as a couple and individually before you bring another person into this scenario.
Couldn't put it better myself!