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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to end it? Can't do it in person.

82 replies

opensun · 18/03/2022 07:17

Need to end things with the guy I'm seeing. It's only been 3-4 months and he's started buying his son the same clothes my son wears, wants to put his son in the same club as mine, he's listening to the podcasts I listen to etc. I told him once that I was feeling really anxious and needed to be on my own and he turned up on my doorstep with flowers. He's just too much and I need to end things. Problrn is, I'm on day 2 of covid and want to get it over with. I've almost entirely lost my voice and am short of breath, but can't do it in person. I can't text as it just isn't the done thing. How do I do this?

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 18/03/2022 07:25

I think he’s trying to be nice and have stuff in common with you but I get it’s a little too much too soon.
If you can’t speak to him and you can’t text him then you’ll need to wait until you feel better.
Just send him a text you’re unwell and will speak to him in a few days.
When you’re better just end it with him in person.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/03/2022 07:26

You can certainly end things by text, you do not owe this man anything let alone a relationship.

Steelesauce · 18/03/2022 07:29

I would literally just text 'I'm really sorry, but this relationship isn't working for me anymore. Wish you all the best' then ignore any further calls or texts. If he turns up, rinse and repeat. If it gets too much, you block him.

opensun · 18/03/2022 07:29

@Hiddenvoice

I think he’s trying to be nice and have stuff in common with you but I get it’s a little too much too soon. If you can’t speak to him and you can’t text him then you’ll need to wait until you feel better. Just send him a text you’re unwell and will speak to him in a few days. When you’re better just end it with him in person.
I don't think he's trying to be nice. I think he's trying to be me.
OP posts:
opensun · 18/03/2022 07:30

@Steelesauce

I would literally just text 'I'm really sorry, but this relationship isn't working for me anymore. Wish you all the best' then ignore any further calls or texts. If he turns up, rinse and repeat. If it gets too much, you block him.
I have some of his stuff at my house which is also very annoying as need to get it back to him.
OP posts:
Joystir59 · 18/03/2022 07:34

End it by text and say you will pack his stuff up and he can collect it once you are over COVID.

Cerealnamechangerer · 18/03/2022 07:38

Of course you can text him. I ended a 3 year relationship by text because thats what he deserved. You barely know this guy.

Steelesauce · 18/03/2022 07:40

Just pack his shit up and leave it on the door step then. Dont give it too much headspace, its a storm in a teacup. A 3/4 month relationship is nothing really.

Goawayangryman · 18/03/2022 07:41

In normal circumstances I would say that texting is a big no but this fella sounds a bit stalker-y and so it's ok.

JohannSebastianBach · 18/03/2022 07:42

Just text him. Pack up his stuff and drop it on his doorstep when you are better (and he's not in)

opensun · 18/03/2022 07:45

Has anyone ever been in a relationship where you feel like your partner would do ANYTHING for you and would never say no to anything? It's not as nice as it sounds.

OP posts:
Byeeefornow · 18/03/2022 07:49

Yes I had one like that and when I ended it, he said he felt used Confused.

I agree it can be stifling.

Natfemale · 18/03/2022 07:55

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Loopytiles · 18/03/2022 07:57

Why are posters excusing creepy behaviour?

Text is fine!

Goawayangryman · 18/03/2022 08:04

Agree Loopytiles. The worst bit is that op told him clearly that he was too much, and he proceeded to trample all over her boundaries and arrive on her doorstep. And yes OP, I have sort of experienced something similar and it is not a nice feeling.

Nesbo · 18/03/2022 08:06

How would you ideally want to be treated if it were the other way round? Do that.

opensun · 18/03/2022 08:06

@Natfemale

It is just possible that this guy is in love with you. That’s why he wants to emulate you, he wants his life to have you in it….that explains the sons clothes.

Obviously you don’t feel the same. But I think the heartlessness of some of these suggestions is appalling. If you can’t bring yourself to say to him that the relationship is getting too intense too quickly for you , and you would like to take a pause for a while, put it in a letter, or even an email. That’s courtesy and consideration for someone else’s feelings.

You don’t have to love the guy, you don’t have to see him , but I think you can be polite and have some thought for his feelings, just as you want him to respect yours. The suggestion that ‘you owe him nothing’ is bizarre, it makes him sound as if he broke in through a basement window and assaulted you: you have met his son, for heavens sake. He’s not some random cat caller. You owe him some courtesy, just not the rest of your life.

By the way, if he is a sinister stalker, you would be better off in the short term being polite, because you may be able to defuse any potential fallout.

Putting his stuff on the doorstep is a dreadful idea. Presumably you invited him to bring it to your house,,or at least consented. Shoving it outside to get dirty or stolen is a complete over reaction., and the best way to provoke trouble.

Okaaayyy.... Hmm
OP posts:
crestar · 18/03/2022 08:07

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opensun · 18/03/2022 08:08

@Nesbo

How would you ideally want to be treated if it were the other way round? Do that.
See I prefer a text. Imagine arranging a date to get together after days of not seeing each other, being excited about it, then being dumped in person. That's so shit. Just text me and let me deal on my own. But I understand that's frowned upon so who knows what's right here!
OP posts:
Goawayangryman · 18/03/2022 08:13

@crestar uhhh.... Karens?? Welcome to the sisterhood eh.

opensun · 18/03/2022 08:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted as it quotes a deleted post.

opensun · 18/03/2022 08:15

[quote Goawayangryman]@crestar uhhh.... Karens?? Welcome to the sisterhood eh.[/quote]
Cross Post. Thank you!

OP posts:
PatSpringleaf · 18/03/2022 08:17

Based on the fact that he's got so intense and bizarre, I'd do it by text. I wouldn't want to see him incase he got really upset and reacted badly. Tell him he can pick his stuff up when you're feeling better but have a friend or family member with you.

I was seeing someone years ago that would've done ANYTHING for me, it was so suffocating and strange. It scared me.

Campervangirl · 18/03/2022 08:28

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Stravaig · 18/03/2022 08:31

The relationship dynamic already sounds worrying, so for that reason I'd treat Covid isolation as an opportunity to end things clearly and safely.

I'd text him. I'd be clear that it was over; that I didn't want to interact with him again; that he should collect his stuff from outside the door that day; and without disturbing me. I'd apologise for it being by text but say I felt he'd kick up a fuss and not respect my boundaries otherwise; and I'd remind him that I'm ill. I'd be polite but very clear. Then I'd not interact further. I'd do it now, so it has the rest of isolation to sink in.

Not sure I'd mention the lost voice actually - he might want to talk once you're able to speak. I think now feels the time because you feel a bit weirded out/unsafe and I'd trust your instincts.

Good luck and I hope you feel better soon.