Argument about his past relationship and now feel like I’ve ruined things

[Mia10791]

I am staying at my DP's house at the moment. We have been in a long distance relationship for 7 months and we are planning to relocate and move in together soon. We normally see each other at least once a fortnight, sometimes every weekend. It's a serious relationship and we are thinking of getting engaged soon. Everything was fine until last night.

We were in bed together and he asked me if I would do a sexual act (anal) that he really likes on his birthday which is coming up soon. I know he wants to do it as he constantly mentions it during sex. I am a bit reluctant to do this as I've never done it with any previous partners and I assumed he hadn't either. He has only been in one relationship before me and he told me that they were not a good match sexually. I said maybe we could do it and that he'd need to be careful and he replied that he knew how to do it slowly etc.

I asked if he'd done it before and was shocked when he said he had and that he'd done it with his ex. I know it's really stupid but it upset me a lot. I am insecure about his ex anyway as they were each other's firsts and were together for years. He and his family often brought her up early in the relationship (not in a bad way but more to say that he is more compatible with me because he and his ex often fought.) But all I could think about was him doing that with her and being really into it. It makes me feel sick to think that he did that with her and now he's being intimate with me. I understand how irrational it is because everyone has a past but the way he spoke about his ex made me think that this never happened with them.

I became emotional and told him how I felt. It didn't help that I was near my period and I'm feeling more sensitive than normal. I said to him that he and his ex have done everything together and I don't feel like I can compete. He said I was obsessing over nothing and that it's me he sees a future with. The word 'obsessing' annoyed me because I literally never bring her up. I always hide my true feelings but yesterday I just lost it. It's more like the other way around. He is often saying he's jealous of my exes.

Ever since this happened, he's been colder towards me. We are normally a very tactile couple so it's noticeable. I've apologised about what happened and tried to talk about it but he says not to make a big deal of it. But things are definitely strange now. When he came back from work, he said 'are you happy today or crazy like yesterday?' It's like he can't understand my feelings. He told me I change when I'm near my period and now I feel like he's not sure he wants to be with me if I behave like this. I wish I could rewind time and take it all back. Does anyone have any advice about how I can fix this situation?

As for abuse/potential abuse; someone doesn't have to tick every check box for abuse to be abusive!

It's not like - they don't do a,b and and so they can't be abusive.

There isn't one abusive profile.

Anyway, long distance for 7 months is not long enough to get engaged and starts awning a wedding.

You don't know him well enough.

You need to see him very regularly for a couple of years at the very least.
7 months ldr is also a risk moving in together.

@Derelicthome

“I explained clearly that I’m not ready for that at the moment and he accepted it”

To me this reads as you saying you will do it at some point in the future. He just needs to be patient.

Absolutely this.

Your wording here indicates to me OP that you don't want to rock the boat and have him end things, even if it's necessary in order to protect yourself and your boundaries.

That's not how it feels in a healthy relationship. It really, really isn't.

As he wants anal for his birthday, I'd buy a giant strap on and shove it up HIS arse!

Not ready for that at the moment does sound like "but I probably will be sooner or later".

I think its awful that he keeps raising it, that it became a potential birthday gift, and that you clearly feel you have to answer that in such a gentle, hold him off way.
It's you who's being asked to perform potentially painful and damaging sex acts in this relationship, not him. Yet it feels like he has to be handled gently gently, oj such a conciliatory manner.

No offense but you seem to have your eye on being in a relationship, commitment etc, very focused on being more important than his previous relationship, and very reluctant to rock the boat; at your own expense.

No offense but you seem to have your eye on being in a relationship, commitment etc, very focused on being more important than his previous relationship, and very reluctant to rock the boat; at your own expense.

Totally agree with this.

OP please look into counselling, there is a reason why you have so little respect for yourself & are walking eyes open into an abuse situation. Unpicking that reason can be life changing

OP - so keep fooling yourself that he’s not into porn etc. You hardly know him!

For what it’s worth my ex who wanted anal after he’d heard I’d done it with my ex fiancé, well he was jealous and possessive etc and love bombed me back then but love bombing wasn’t a thing then and MN wasn’t around then. I luckily ended it with him when I was 31 but my confidence was left in tatters and it took time to get over him. He’s now married with 2 DC so presumably gets his anal kick there.

You’re early 30s too, plenty of time to ditch this man rather than have him pestering you for anal. Or you could make a decision to move in with him or one of you move closer so you spend more time with him.

@Mia10791

I regret the way I behaved about his past relationship. I let my insecurities get the better of me and I wish I could take it back. I did apologise but I know it doesn’t erase the memory of it.

Although it is a LDR, we have spent longer periods of time together over Christmas and holidays etc. It’s him who is pushing for the engagement. I’ve told him we need to take more time.

As for the sexual request, it’s never something I’ve wanted to do before but I know it’s something he really likes so it’s difficult. I’ve never tried it so I can’t say whether I’d like it but I try to avoid talking about it because I don’t like him mentioning it. It makes me feel like normal sex isn’t enough for him when he’s always wishing he could do that instead. Maybe it is a red flag and I need to be assertive about how I feel.

Not difficult at all. You don't want to do it so don't.

If he persists and won't take No for an answer then you know what to do

@WhenPushComesToShove

As he wants anal for his birthday, I'd buy a giant strap on and shove it up HIS arse!

@Derelicthome

“I explained clearly that I’m not ready for that at the moment and he accepted it”

To me this reads as you saying you will do it at some point in the future. He just needs to be patient.

Curious as to why he’s accepted it this time and hasn’t accepted it the many other times he’s asked. So yes, likely he thinks the op is up for it, just not yet.

He's constantly pestering you to provide a sexual service that he knows you are - at best - worried about and is even using his upcoming birthday as an incentive to put the pressure on you even further?
So when it's your own birthday he'll be just as willing to let you ride him merrily - taking it slowly of course ( no mention of lubricant I see ) with a king sized strap on?
Thought not. Twat 🤬

I thought I'd share my experience of anal sex and consent to give you something to compare yours to.

I had never been interested in anal sex until I got about 25 (dunno why) but one afternoon in the heat of the moment, I suggested it to my then boyfriend of three years (now husband. Clue there.). He was happy to try with lots of reassurance and the promise that if I didn't like it he would stop.

As it turned out I really did like it. Some women do but at no point has my DH ever sulked if I've not wanted it, never suggested it as a 'birthday treat' and couldn't give a toss how many partners I've had what I did with them or didn't do.

What I'm trying to get at is that your relationship is moving very quickly and I believe that you're being blindsided and your boundaries are being pushed. It's quite grim to ask for a sex act as a birthday present. I'd expect that from a very immature teenager, not a man in his thirties. Wanting to please each other sexually is fine but your posts don't say to me that you're happy to try anal sex but are a bit nervous. No, your posts are telling me that you don't want to go there and he is putting pressure on you and making you feel insecure because you've refused so far. A decent chap wouldn't do this.

Be careful OP. Don't feel obligated to do this if you don't want to. Don't move in with him too quickly especially given the current situation. I'd be taking a big step back from this one. Let things ride for a while (no pun intended). There's no rush. He'll show more of himself as time wears on. You might not like it.

And the only reason he's asked for it as a birthday present is because he's trying to guilt you into doing something you really don't want to do

Look at the difference between what you said in your OP:

I know he wants to do it as he constantly mentions it during sex.

And what you wrote today

We spoke about everything that happened last night and he apologised for what he asked and told me that it was something he said in the heat of the moment while he was turned on

It's not just a one off. He constantly mentions it during sex. He and you and both rewriting history to fit his narrative.

And what happened is that he has realised that he'd pushed you too hard, too fast and is backing off a bit, and reverting to the love bombing.

Never ignored me, sent me flowers, told me all the time how much he loved me, was very complimentary, always bought me dinner, respectful. My family said he was a good man.

Read this: https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/love-bombing

And tell me it doesn't sound familiar.

I really feel for you, OP - you sound so sweet, and I wonder if perhaps you aren’t a little out of your depth in this relationship?
It sounds like he is the one setting the pace, pushing for an engagement, etc. and I wonder if that’s where your uncertainty (I wouldn’t say insecurity) is coming from?
His coldness and disrespect are huge red flags - he’s trying to belittle your feelings when he should be reassuring you.
As for the anal dilemma - I think your uncertainty about this will have a huge influence on how you feel about his sexual past - knowing that he has had anal sex with his ex must add a huge feeing of pressure for you to do the same to be ‘as good as her’ - I totally get how you feel.
In the nicest possible way, I think you should reconsider this relationship., unless you constantly want to be second guessing yourself. I can’t help but feel you deserve better x

What a more useful question would be is, do you still want to be with him if this is how immature and unsupportive he is?

I don’t know how old the op is, I suspect very young. I also suspect she will do this and endure it because she’s so utterly desperate to be with him.

And that’s both sad and grim.

🚨 🚨 🚨 🚨 🚨 🚨 🚨 🚨 🚨

Run OP. Run for the hills.

Before this, he’s been almost the perfect man. Never ignored me, sent me flowers, told me all the time how much he loved me, was very complimentary, always bought me dinner, respectful. My family said he was a good man.

I wouldn't obsess about someone being perfect, everyone has their flaws. Someone trying too hard to appear to be perfect is more of a problem. Not ignoring you is so fucking basic it's hardly worth mentioning. Flowers, meh, meaningless, he's ticking a box. Love and compliments, all very charming I'm sure, but meaningless from someone who's pressuring you to have anal sex that you're at best ambivalent about.

Buying you dinner, well that's a whole can of worms. I mean it's better than being stingy, but it's more tick box stuff that could just be done to reel you in. Respectful - well no. If he respected you he wouldn't be pushing you to do something you're at best ambivalent about. And you barely know him so I don't see how your family can know him better and don't feel pressured by them to stay with someone who frankly sounds like an arse. Pun intended.

Jesus, I'd go right off him, pressuring you in to anal sex and then going cold on you. Eugh.

Don't worry you've ruined things. He's just revealed himself.

If you're not sure then don't l move in together.

The romance of it.

A request for anal sex on his birthday.

Great.

I sense that being in your early thirties you are very keen to get married. Lots of women end up marrying unsuitable men because they don't want to miss out on marriage and children.

@Onthedunes

The romance of it.

A request for anal sex on his birthday.

Great.

Yupp. What a turn off.

OP, get turned off. Do not jump thru hoops trying "not to ruin things". Having a reaction to an entitled manipulative request is not "ruining things".

H9nour your own reaction and do not gaslight yrslf 💐🍷