Argument about his past relationship and now feel like I’ve ruined things

[Mia10791]

I am staying at my DP's house at the moment. We have been in a long distance relationship for 7 months and we are planning to relocate and move in together soon. We normally see each other at least once a fortnight, sometimes every weekend. It's a serious relationship and we are thinking of getting engaged soon. Everything was fine until last night.

We were in bed together and he asked me if I would do a sexual act (anal) that he really likes on his birthday which is coming up soon. I know he wants to do it as he constantly mentions it during sex. I am a bit reluctant to do this as I've never done it with any previous partners and I assumed he hadn't either. He has only been in one relationship before me and he told me that they were not a good match sexually. I said maybe we could do it and that he'd need to be careful and he replied that he knew how to do it slowly etc.

I asked if he'd done it before and was shocked when he said he had and that he'd done it with his ex. I know it's really stupid but it upset me a lot. I am insecure about his ex anyway as they were each other's firsts and were together for years. He and his family often brought her up early in the relationship (not in a bad way but more to say that he is more compatible with me because he and his ex often fought.) But all I could think about was him doing that with her and being really into it. It makes me feel sick to think that he did that with her and now he's being intimate with me. I understand how irrational it is because everyone has a past but the way he spoke about his ex made me think that this never happened with them.

I became emotional and told him how I felt. It didn't help that I was near my period and I'm feeling more sensitive than normal. I said to him that he and his ex have done everything together and I don't feel like I can compete. He said I was obsessing over nothing and that it's me he sees a future with. The word 'obsessing' annoyed me because I literally never bring her up. I always hide my true feelings but yesterday I just lost it. It's more like the other way around. He is often saying he's jealous of my exes.

Ever since this happened, he's been colder towards me. We are normally a very tactile couple so it's noticeable. I've apologised about what happened and tried to talk about it but he says not to make a big deal of it. But things are definitely strange now. When he came back from work, he said 'are you happy today or crazy like yesterday?' It's like he can't understand my feelings. He told me I change when I'm near my period and now I feel like he's not sure he wants to be with me if I behave like this. I wish I could rewind time and take it all back. Does anyone have any advice about how I can fix this situation?

Everything else aside, engagement after 7 months of a long-distance relationship is nuts. Don't do that! Don't do that even if the LDR is a healthy one, which this doesn't sound like it is!

Agree with everyone else. Him pestering you for sexual favours as a birthday gift is grim. I think expanding one's sexual horizons with new partners is a great thing, but it can only happen if both parties are actively up for trying it, and if you're not then that should be the end of the conversation. At the same time you having a meltdown that he's had a sex life with someone else is massively unreasonable as well. If I was in a relationship with either of you I'd be running a mile.

Em, obviously we all know we can't change our partners pasts but plenty of people feel wee pangs of jealousy when exes come up specifically re sex. Me and my dp have both remarked to one another before 'ooft, that gave me a little stab' if something like that gets mentioned....obviously you can't control what someone talks about but I think its perfectly ok to say you felt something...

On the topic of him being cold after though and his remark about you being mental, and his description of his ex. I dunno. Id be wondering whether he's a good option. Never believe the 'crazy ex' story. Also if he knows you're not into anal the fact he keeps banging on about it id say is a red flag. Why would he want you to do something you're not into for his pleasure only

He sounds like an absolute twat OP. He's pushing anal even though he knows you don't really want to, gross in itself. Then you had a wobble and instead of being understanding and kind, he's giving you the cold shoulder and calling you crazy.

Red flags everywhere, he is not a nice person.

As for the sexual request, it’s never something I’ve wanted to do before but I know it’s something he really likes so it’s difficult. I’ve never tried it so I can’t say whether I’d like it but I try to avoid talking about it because I don’t like him mentioning it. It makes me feel like normal sex isn’t enough for him when he’s always wishing he could do that instead

You've no interest in it. And that's ok.

I never had an interest in it either. And then after years and years with the right person - someone I absolutely trust in and out of the bedroom I felt willing to give it a try. Because I knew that I would be fully in charge, all the way and if at any stage I wanted to stop he would do so immediately.

It was never something that was asked for or hinted at but it was something that he had mentioned once or twice during conversations we had about spicing it up that he was curious about trying if I was of a similar mind.

When we tried it, it was at my suggestion and guided by me the whole time. FWIW while he loved the experience it really did little for me personally so it's probably only going to be something I feel like doing once in a blue moon and that's fine with OH. If I didn't like it, it would never happen again and that too would be fine with OH because he wants me to enjoy our sex life and anything that I didn't enjoy would be a turn off for him.

Any hinting or badgering or asking for it as a gift would be an instant turn off and probably like MarthaFokker says, indicative of someone who wants to do it and would continue thrusting even if you are hating it, feeling uncomfortable or sore with it - and that's exactly the kind of man you should NEVER do anal with. Ever.

The sulking is an additional red flag. A grown man sulking because you won't do a sex act you've no interest in? Another reason this man should never have anal with you.

You have insecurities that you need to address, sure, but I wonder if he said that his ex did it so that you'd get jealous (it worked, right?) and feel compelled to agree to it in order to compete with her on some level? If so, that's another red flag as it's hugely manipulative. And that's the third reason why you should never let him near your arse ever. He's not man enough for the job tbh.

One of the most useful things I've ever realised/taught myself in relationships about insecurity is before asking that sort of question about past stuff, ask yourself whether you want the actual answer or if you want him to answer in a specific way. If you want a specific answer, don't ask him. It makes a massive difference!

Saying that, the "are you normal today or crazy like yesterday" comment (or whatever it was) would have me running for the fucking hills. It doesn't sound like you guys communicate very well - no, it wasn't fair of you to get insecure and that's on you not him BUT if the result of you making any sort of mistake results in this then that's no good. Also 7 months is very early to get engaged and as PP have said he sounds very pushy. Red flags I'm afraid.

How old are you both?

Um you know he had normal sex with her too, right? It’s very odd that you’re upset they had anal sex and wished to be his first there. It makes me feel a little icky to be honest, particularly as you don’t even want to do it. You view it as some gift thay you’re giving him that you’d let him do that to you. Something that would make you special.

Many things make a relationship special. Taking it up the bum isn’t one of them.

I don't think you'd be upset about him doing it with her if you'd done it before too.

That aside, don't move in with him. This relationship is nowhere near that stage.

He doesn't get to pester you for anal because it's his birthday. That's disgusting. If he constantly brings it up during sex I'd be turned off completely.

I think you are being a little overly sensitive. Getting upset about things he's done with an ex is in the past and he can't change it. He can't exactly apologise for things that have happened in the past?

There was things I hadn't done before but have tried with my partner but only when I was comfortable doing so. He did ask me and I was a little like hmm I don't know, i will think about it. But when it came to it he asked again and I tried it and I liked it. But i know he would have stopped if i had said no. And also he wouldn't have asked me multiple times and nagged about it.

You know him best and you know if you are over reacting. I think i would be annoyed if my partner was grumpy and upset with me because of things I had done in the past. But he doesn't need to react like a child about it.

You asked what you can do about it. I would apologise for over reacting over his ex. Say you are sorry and you are hormonal. But tell him that you don't like him asking for the sexual act repeatedly and you will tell him if you ever feel ready to do it.

Anal for his birthday ? Ffs ltb

OP, do not have anal sex if it is not something you feel comfortable with. And definitely do not try it first on his birthday. he has asked for this 'present' because he knows you're more likely to go through with it on his birthday because you will feel like you don't want to let him down and will carry on 'trying' even if its uncomfortable or hurts.
That is horrible of him.

He is also pressuring you by the sounds of it to try it, when he knows you are highly likely not going to enjoy it, but he isn't bothered about that. If he was he wouldn't keep going on about it and would leave you to make your own decisions about it as the relationship progresses.

Ask him outright. 'Is having anal sex with me in the future a deal breaker for you? If he hesitiates, you know he is definitely expecting you to do that, and will keep pestering until you eventually give in. If he answers sincerely that he is not worried if you never want to try it, then at least thats a good sign. And your cue to tell him to stop bloody mentioning it then.

The being cold after you lost it a bit about his ex, is manipulative also. He has disregarded your feelings on the matter, however ridiculous he may think they are, they were important enough for you to get upset over. Instead of reassuring you he is behaving coldly.

This is not someone with your best interests in mind. It is someone who has his own best interests in mind.

Please please do not let him guilt you into doing anything you are unsure about doing. if its something you want to try in the future, then that is entirely upto you and should be done under your timescales when you are ready. Not on a date he sets as a special treat for himself.

There’s many firsts op you could have with him. From travelling to homes to commitments. Sex is never something to compete with an ex on, and certainly not anal. You don’t need to compete with his ex. On anything.

To compete on this level though is degrading. And likely that’s what he feels. Each relationship is a different entity. Getting jealous like this is not good when it makes you behave in this manner.

Take a step back. You want to compete with his ex to let him have anal with you. He on the other hand has no respect for you at all. To keep badgering you is really unpleasant and unacceptable.

The relationship is just really unhealthy.

Another man who's watched so much porn that he thinks he's missing out if he doesn't get anal sex. Your choice of course. I'd suggest he goes first....

Thank you for your advice so far. If I’m honest, this kind of sex act is not something I would ever have wanted to try myself. I will ask him if it’s a dealbreaker and see his reaction.

For the poster who asked about our ages, we are both early 30s. I know it’s ridiculous to get upset about exes and things at this age. We probably do need to grow up. He is fixated on my exes also, and has asked before if I will show him photos of them so he can compare himself. Obviously I refused, it would be a terrible idea.

I am really upset about the ‘crazy’ comment and also about the birthday sex request. Before this, he’s been almost the perfect man. Never ignored me, sent me flowers, told me all the time how much he loved me, was very complimentary, always bought me dinner, respectful. My family said he was a good man. I could see myself marrying him in the future. Now I feel uncertain. I’m heartbroken about what happened last night because it’s put doubts in my mind.

A man who's obsessed with your exes and wants to compare will use them against you in the future.

@SilverCatStripes

He is showing you who he really is-

If you displease him then he will act coldly towards you in order to bring you to heel.

He is also using emotional manipulation to get you to agree to anal sex.

Cut your losses OP.

Exactly this. Look how he's treating you! As for a grown man having anal sex for his birthday, words fail me.

Mate, don't fall for the crazy ex line, that's a classic red flag.

Whilst feeling saddened/insecure about your partner's exes is not a positive thing, I think people can be overly harsh about it. I think it's a very common feeling when people are new to relationships, and people usually mature out of it with experience. No it isn't ideal, but I don't think not enjoying hearing first hand accounts of it is the end of the world provided you don't fly off the handle. It sounds like a rare moment of weakness from you.

His response, however, is not only overly harsh, it's also highly hypocritical, which makes his behaviour in that regard far worse than yours.

You are right to have doubts. It's common for people to seem great and to love bomb at the beginning of relationships. He's showing his true colours now, don't ignore them!

@cherrysthename

It's so grim to push for a sex act you wouldn't normally be up for, as a 'present'.

As for the rest of it, you both need to grow up. Of course he has a past and so have you. His behaviour is more concerning. But together it's not a good mix.

Agree. Uggh. Don’t be pressured into something you don’t want to do. I would assume a man pressuring in this way was A. A creep. B. Controlling. C. Addicted to porn. Any one of those three would be ditching offence for me.

The thing is, he never calls his ex crazy or says anything remotely like it. He’s always saying she’s a sweet girl and he hopes she’s found someone else, they just weren’t right for each other etc. It’s through general conversation that all the other stuff came up but he said it in a matter of fact way - ‘I was looking around to make sure the road was clear and she accused me of looking at another woman’. Or ‘we used to argue a lot’. He never comments negatively on her character.

* Anyone who bad mouths their ex is often concealing their own part in a toxic relationship. Why was his ex so controlling and jealous? Maybe his behaviour was part of the problem..*

^Utter tosh

Please don’t ask him if it’s a deal breaker. Why would you give him that power. He knows you’re desperate to please him so he will say he’s a d that’s it. You’ll be doing it for ever more.

Just set your boundaries. Tell him you don’t want to and that’s it. Close the conversation and move on. His ex did it and it didn’t keep the, together did it?

Red flags all over

Wanting you to do something you I don’t believe you want to as a ‘present’ and not accepting no as an answer

Asking if you are still crazy like yesterday, invalidating your concerns and punishing by being colder towards you

You have only been dating 7 months, seeing each other once a fortnight, possible each week and he is talking engagement and moving in

Red flags so be warned it will only get worse

Please don’t ask him if it’s a deal breaker. Why would you give him that power. He knows you’re desperate to please him so he will say he’s a d that’s it. You’ll be doing it for ever more.

Exactly. Where on earth are your boundaries, op? Why would you ever consider doing something sexual that you know you don't want to do? Why would you allow him to control you like this? It's grim, all the way around.

He's shown you his true colours.
So if you get upset, instead of talking it through, you are Crazy & he cold shoulders you...
Not acceptable

Right, first of all well done on recognizing how shitty it was for you to react the way you did. By doing so you are only training him not to be honest. Tears are - in my opinion - just as manipulative at the cold shoulder, so so far you’re even. But one moment of overreacting is not - in an adult relationship - a death knell. Unless the relationship was doomed to fail anyway.

Re: anal. Your call and only your call. If you’re curious: cool. If not: end of conversation. You are not in competition with his ex, so just because they did it doesn’t mean you have to. She is an ex for a reason.

Regarding bad-mouthing his ex, loads of people do that. Not a big deal unless it’s constant. Based on your insecurities he might be overdoing the dissing. Not nice, but not horrific. Maybe she was controlling, maybe not. Maybe she says the same about him. They weren’t each other’s person, end of.

Moving forward and fixing it: serious, sit down conversation where you accept responsibility for a ridiculous overreaction, but that is all. You DO NOT agree to the sex act out of guilt or to try and ‘get back in his good books’. He should not be calling you crazy. He either wants to move on like a big boy or he’s a jerk who wants to torture you, in which case LTB.

We have all had a stupid reaction to something in a relationship and when both people are decent it won’t mean anything long term. How a partner accepts a genuine apology is also indicative of who they are which will give you information on if YOU want to continue the relationship. You don’t need to grovel.

But until you’ve lived together for a significant period of time, you don’t know each other. So engagement would be silly imo, but it’s your life.