Argument about his past relationship and now feel like I’ve ruined things

[Mia10791]

I am staying at my DP's house at the moment. We have been in a long distance relationship for 7 months and we are planning to relocate and move in together soon. We normally see each other at least once a fortnight, sometimes every weekend. It's a serious relationship and we are thinking of getting engaged soon. Everything was fine until last night.

We were in bed together and he asked me if I would do a sexual act (anal) that he really likes on his birthday which is coming up soon. I know he wants to do it as he constantly mentions it during sex. I am a bit reluctant to do this as I've never done it with any previous partners and I assumed he hadn't either. He has only been in one relationship before me and he told me that they were not a good match sexually. I said maybe we could do it and that he'd need to be careful and he replied that he knew how to do it slowly etc.

I asked if he'd done it before and was shocked when he said he had and that he'd done it with his ex. I know it's really stupid but it upset me a lot. I am insecure about his ex anyway as they were each other's firsts and were together for years. He and his family often brought her up early in the relationship (not in a bad way but more to say that he is more compatible with me because he and his ex often fought.) But all I could think about was him doing that with her and being really into it. It makes me feel sick to think that he did that with her and now he's being intimate with me. I understand how irrational it is because everyone has a past but the way he spoke about his ex made me think that this never happened with them.

I became emotional and told him how I felt. It didn't help that I was near my period and I'm feeling more sensitive than normal. I said to him that he and his ex have done everything together and I don't feel like I can compete. He said I was obsessing over nothing and that it's me he sees a future with. The word 'obsessing' annoyed me because I literally never bring her up. I always hide my true feelings but yesterday I just lost it. It's more like the other way around. He is often saying he's jealous of my exes.

Ever since this happened, he's been colder towards me. We are normally a very tactile couple so it's noticeable. I've apologised about what happened and tried to talk about it but he says not to make a big deal of it. But things are definitely strange now. When he came back from work, he said 'are you happy today or crazy like yesterday?' It's like he can't understand my feelings. He told me I change when I'm near my period and now I feel like he's not sure he wants to be with me if I behave like this. I wish I could rewind time and take it all back. Does anyone have any advice about how I can fix this situation?

If you dont want to do it then don't. You need to be blunt with this...... No if, buts, birthday treats or maybes. If you arent comfortable doing something like this then you shouldn't be doing it. If he has an issue with that then that tells you all you need to know.... However getting upset over him having sex with his ex and part of that being anal is just weird.

I think the argument over the ex is actually a red herring here and may have given you a lucky escape! If you aren’t keen on doing anal - don’t! He’s putting pressure on you and that’s horrible. It will only get worse. Chuck!

Cold shoulders are sulks and that's because he won't be getting what he wants.
Anal is often a dealbreaker in a lot of relationships and I don't feel you should ever do it just to please your partner, or any sex act/ sex if you really don't want to either.
I wouldn't be too worried about I what he did with the ex , he didn't know you then and that's a different life time but I would be worried about the kind of man he is when he doesn't get his "birthday treat "

So much of this makes me want to 🤮

He's pressuring you for sex yiu are not comfortable with on his birthday... manipulative self serving wanker, this is not a loving relationship

He goes cold & snidey when you displease him... manipulative & nasty

I could go on

Yiu do not know this man at all & he is begging to show you who he is & it really isn't pretty... RUN!!

hate this idea of sexual favours as 'birthday presents' it is very rapey. It is vile.

This.

Horrible.

Like he's entitled to one sided, uncomfortable, potentially damaging srx acts on you, as a present for him.

And going on about it all the time.

Terrible attitude towards sex.

Not what's pleasurable and satisfying and great for both of you .... just what he wants, what he'd enjoy, what would he's novelty for him. Like a woman is a sex doll fir him.

1. He needs to stop watching so much porn.
2. He needs to realise porn 8s not real srx abd real life.
3. He needs to think about sex differently.
4. He needs to stop his pester-y, entitled behaviour around sex.
5. He needs to have a large disco stick up his ass and see how he likes it before he hassles other people to do it. Bearing in mind he has a prostate that might make it enjoyable and women do not.

All in all though- someone like this is extremely unlikely to chsbfe their personality, values, and attitudes. You need to think very carefully indeed about commitimg to someone like him.

As for the rest of the relationship and the argument.

You're being immature and unreasonable.
But that's by the by; because his attitude to sex is a massive issue.

Oh and it's far far too soon to be getting into major commitment.

.

Many, many years ago (when I was dreadfuly young and naive) I read about oral sex. I was instantly interested, and knew that I'd like to explore it - in the right time/ right place / with the right person.

Personally, I never felt like that about anal. Even when I was with someone who I was desperately in love/lust with, who was really interested in exploring anal. It just didn't ignite anything in me. Even in the thoes of passion, if he whispered something in my ear, it still wasn't a turn-on. That was a clear boundary for me - my own sense of desire (or otherwise).

@Mia10791 What would you do if on his birthday you started and it was more panful than you expected? Would you MAKE him stop? Would he stop when asked? If you cannot say 'yes' 100% to both those questions, then don't even start.

What did he mean by 'not a good match sexually'? Was it that she exterted (quite rightly) her own boundaries, and that he was not allowed to override these? Was it that having tried anal once she refused to do it again (whereas he wanted to?). Or is he going to tell you that she loved anal and that you are not matching up to her in this regard? 'Not a good match sexually' is him telling you that if YOU don't match his sexual preferances and expectaions, you too will be an exgf.

Whether it is deliberate or not, he is giving you clear messages. Step back, look at the context and please, please do not be pressurised into anything by which you are not 110% excited.

BTW in my experience anal sex is at best meh and feels of nothing at very best ..... very painful at worst.

No nice feelings like you get inside the first few inches of your vagina, no feekings clitoris inside or outside.

Probably because it's an out hole for shit!

And pll ehk do it regularly risk damage and eventual faecal incontinence.

At least porn actors supposedly have compensation in the form of money for their work; not sufficient but whatever.

This man isn't a nice man - he may present as one but he's not nice.

Pestering you for anal is ridiculous. I had an ex who I told I'd done anal with my ex fiance (this was years ago) and he then got fixated on it and pestered me for it - but not as much as your boyfriend. I kept shutting him down over it but the bringing it up really annoyed me.

I think with it being a LDR for 7 months you don't know him as well as you think you do.

What did he mean by 'not a good match sexually'? Was it that she exterted (quite rightly) her own boundaries, and that he was not allowed to override these? Was it that having tried anal once she refused to do it again (whereas he wanted to?).

Yeah, I'd wonder that too.

Given he seems to see women as sex dolls, and potentially painful, potentially damaging unnatural penetrative sex acts as hos entitlement as a gift/service for his birthday.

@Tamworth123

BTW in my experience anal sex is at best meh and feels of nothing at very best ..... very painful at worst.

No nice feelings like you get inside the first few inches of your vagina, no feekings clitoris inside or outside.

Probably because it's an out hole for shit!

And pll ehk do it regularly risk damage and eventual faecal incontinence.

At least porn actors supposedly have compensation in the form of money for their work; not sufficient but whatever.

@Tamworth123 - agreed - my one time doing anal I hated it - wasn't pleasurable at all.

Another thing OP - your boyfriend is saying about for his birthday - well my fiance when I was engaged to him he was a soldier and kept on saying I'd do anal if I loved him - and before he went back on tour. Me, being a young, immature 20 year old believed him. You're a 33 year old woman who sounds mature so don't fall for your boyfriend's rubbish.

I think with it being a LDR for 7 months you don't know him as well as you think you do.

This too.

No offense but you seem to ge putting yourself under pressure to be in a serious relationship and escalate towards commitment ... you don't know him well enough. You could end up in a really shitty, no pun intended situation with this man.

Oh and I beg if you challenge him he'll say it could be good for you too, and it's not just for him; bull fkg shit.

He's love bombed you and now he thinks he's got you where he wants to, he's showing you his true colours.

I'm not surprised you're insecure. He's not going to make it any better. He's showing you that if you displease him, he will withdraw. Then you will scurry around trying to make him happy. Like having anal sex that you don't want. And then it will be something else. And he'll do exactly the same thing if you don't capitulate.

OP - this is how coercive and controlling relationships begin.

He's abusive. And you need to end this relationship

7 months is around the time the mask starts to fall and show their true colors.

Oh I understand how you feel. My boyfriends been quite stupid regarding his ex and us. He has talked about her way to much and he has left alot of the past around visibly like Facebook photos. Old framed photos in his wardrobe of them. It's always a shit subject and it's best not to ask intimate things. It only hurts. There are things we enjoy sexually and it's not always to do with the Ex but something they enjoy.
Men don't seem to let go of exes as easily I have noticed. I like you feel he's been there done everything with her and there's nothing we can do first time together as an experience.

I’m with the people who hated it— it’s a dealbreaker for me. Wouldn’t care how much I liked the person, how much it was something they wanted to do. If it isn’t something you want to do OP, be upfront about it — if they sulk, get snippy etc then that tells you all you need to know- this is someone that can’t accept no means no and it’s up to you if you are happy to be constantly pestered in a relationship. Why the hell as well commit to it on someone’s birthday— if you hate it then that’s going to be a rather unpleasant end to a birthday. You both sound a bit immature sexually to be honest — him for forcing the issue, you for getting upset about someone’s past experience.

Op turn it around and think about what dory of person you'd have to be, and how you'd have to feel about your partner & the relationship to act like this towards him.

Say you really really like face sitting oral sex. You want him to give you oral srx while sitting on his face ..... this is still nowhere nowhere near as "intrusive" as penetrative srx in an orifice not evolved for it, but let's just go with it as am example;

You raise it with him initially "I live oral being done on me, esp when I'm sitting on the guys face", he doesn't respond enthusiastically ....you raise it again you raise it regularly " I love oral sex on me, I'd like oral sex on Mr, its my favourite thing" again and again, he's still not responding enthusiastically, next you say :I have a birthday coming up, whet I'd like for my birthday is you giving me oral, I'd like tk face sit you" (in the knowledge he hasn't responded enthusiastically or jnitiated it once so far)
.

What sort of person would you have to be?
Selfish, tone deaf, pushy, entitled, oblivious, nitvcaringcaboit the other person's enthusiastic consent, not caring about their pleasure, notbcaring about their comfort etc.

And what would your attitude to them.as a partner have to be?

I care about what I want, not what you want. You're here to fulfil my fantasies, you're here to do what I want, I'll badger you to do it, I'll set you up to feel like you have to do it as a gift to me, I'll do this is a serious relationship.

Think about that carefully.

People who think and behave like this are very very unlikely to change.

you for getting upset about someone’s past experience.

And as for the other issue, this poster has it.

Either get with a virgin man or accept he's done stuff with an ex partner. Noone is a shiny plastic new doll you bought in a shop. The are a person. They had a relationship/s and sex before you. It didn't work out, unless you think they're still involved in.some way; it's not your concern.

But that issue is not the main issue here.

The whole relationship sounds wrong to me - long distance for 7 months and getting engaged , way too soon imo. Sexual coercion, definitely a no .

OP it is clear from your post that you do not want to have anal sex. That is completely and utterly fine! Personally I really enjoy it, but still with my new partner (9 months in ) I haven't done it yet as it can be triggering of something in the past and I need to give it time before I'm 100% comfortable to do that. He loves it, but has asked once, I've explained and he has said that it is completely no issue if it never happens. That is a good man.

And the narrativevseems to have been set up among he and his family that ex gf wasn't "right", they werent compatible, she wasbt abc ....

I'd take all that with a hefty pinch of salt.

If this is how he behaves, I think (as is often the case) there was probably plenty of fault on his side, and she's just have had a lucky escape.

You're hearing one side of the story, which is half the story.

"Before this, he’s been almost the perfect man" and everything was fine until.the other night.
But it wasn't fine and he wasn't almost perfect if he was constantly mentioning anal when he knew you didn't fancy it and was acting jealous about your exes and asking to see photos of them.
You say his family mentioned his ex a lot "early in the relationship" like you have been together ages. You are still early on in the relationship. And the cracks are growing in size and number.
Going to an art gallery when you aren't keen on art or veggie restaurant when you prefer meat are the sort of compromises you might make for someone's birthday. Not a sex act that you don't really want to do.
Assuming you'll get sex on your birthday makes me feel a bit ill tbh, requesting a sex act and especially one you know they don't really want to do is awful.

Pestering you for anal when you're not up for it is gross - I'd ditch him for this alone.
But yeah you getting upset about him and an ex is silly.
It doesn't sound like you're sexually compatible tbh.

They weren't sexually compatible but she was up for anal which he seems very keen over? Does that add up? I'm wondering OP if he's saying he did it with her to make you want to do it with him - as a way to manipulate you. When really he's just been watching a lot of porn and thinks he's entitled as it's his birthday don't cha know. There's red flags all over this one - be careful OP.

I haven’t read any of your updates but if you are genuinely happy about getting engaged to a man who asks for anal sex as a present, you need to raise your standards. Christ alive