Argument about his past relationship and now feel like I’ve ruined things

[Mia10791]

I am staying at my DP's house at the moment. We have been in a long distance relationship for 7 months and we are planning to relocate and move in together soon. We normally see each other at least once a fortnight, sometimes every weekend. It's a serious relationship and we are thinking of getting engaged soon. Everything was fine until last night.

We were in bed together and he asked me if I would do a sexual act (anal) that he really likes on his birthday which is coming up soon. I know he wants to do it as he constantly mentions it during sex. I am a bit reluctant to do this as I've never done it with any previous partners and I assumed he hadn't either. He has only been in one relationship before me and he told me that they were not a good match sexually. I said maybe we could do it and that he'd need to be careful and he replied that he knew how to do it slowly etc.

I asked if he'd done it before and was shocked when he said he had and that he'd done it with his ex. I know it's really stupid but it upset me a lot. I am insecure about his ex anyway as they were each other's firsts and were together for years. He and his family often brought her up early in the relationship (not in a bad way but more to say that he is more compatible with me because he and his ex often fought.) But all I could think about was him doing that with her and being really into it. It makes me feel sick to think that he did that with her and now he's being intimate with me. I understand how irrational it is because everyone has a past but the way he spoke about his ex made me think that this never happened with them.

I became emotional and told him how I felt. It didn't help that I was near my period and I'm feeling more sensitive than normal. I said to him that he and his ex have done everything together and I don't feel like I can compete. He said I was obsessing over nothing and that it's me he sees a future with. The word 'obsessing' annoyed me because I literally never bring her up. I always hide my true feelings but yesterday I just lost it. It's more like the other way around. He is often saying he's jealous of my exes.

Ever since this happened, he's been colder towards me. We are normally a very tactile couple so it's noticeable. I've apologised about what happened and tried to talk about it but he says not to make a big deal of it. But things are definitely strange now. When he came back from work, he said 'are you happy today or crazy like yesterday?' It's like he can't understand my feelings. He told me I change when I'm near my period and now I feel like he's not sure he wants to be with me if I behave like this. I wish I could rewind time and take it all back. Does anyone have any advice about how I can fix this situation?

@Gowithme

They weren't sexually compatible but she was up for anal which he seems very keen over? Does that add up? I'm wondering OP if he's saying he did it with her to make you want to do it with him - as a way to manipulate you. When really he's just been watching a lot of porn and thinks he's entitled as it's his birthday don't cha know. There's red flags all over this one - be careful OP.

I think she probably left him because he was trying to constantly pressure her into anal

Get rid, he sounds horrible and manipulative - you sound as though you are desperate to please him. Please raise your standards.

Christ, up your game love.

He sounds like an animal, I'd rather get engaged to a goat.

Anal sex for a birthday present, it's not gonna get much better than this.

OP, anal sex is very rarely pleasurable for the woman. There are no nerves up there except pain nerves, so women don't get anything out of it, it's only for the male. Even if lots of lube is used, it is either painful at worst or lacking any pleasure for you at best. And it's unhygienic. You say he talks about it 'constantly'. That rings alarm bells, not only because he is trying to force you into a sex act that has no benefit to you, but because if you do try it with him even just once, it sounds like he will expect it regularly, whether you like it or not. I think you need to tell him you're upset at his constant discussion of it and "tbh, it's not something I have any intention of ever wanting to try, so please stop talking about it. If that's a dealbreaker for you, let me go and find someone who does want it." I'd also ask him if he's gay, and "why do you want to stick it up an arse when you have a woman with a vagina to have sex with".

He's been hassling you for anal and wants it a present? Creep. You're focusing on the wrong thing.

There are no nerves up there except pain nerves, so women don't get anything out of it, it's only for the male. Even if lots of lube is used, it is either painful at worst or lacking any pleasure for you at best.

Why do women post this as if they know how it feels for all women? Nobody should do anything sexually they don't want to do but this is patently untrue.

There were several things that rang alarm bells from your post.

First of all, you are thinking of moving in with, and getting engage to a man you have seen once or twice a month for 7 months. I know you've seen him for a few days at a time sometimes, but you don't know each other very well at all.

Secondly, he is pushing you to do anal. He's pushing you to get engaged. That isn't how healthy relationships work. Noone pushes for something the other person doesn't want or isn't sure about. When it comes to sexual acts, NEVER do anything you don't want 100% want to do. NEVER. Any decent person wouldn't want you to either. If he was a decent bf he wouldn't dream of coercing you in to a sex act you don't want to do.

He seems generally pushy and manuplative. Big red flag. Big.

You say 'I always hide my true feelings'. This is very worrying. When you find the 'right' person for you, you won't have to hide anything. You won't want to hide your feelings. You will be 100% yourself and they will love you for it. While you are hiding your feelings you're pretending to be someone else so as to please him or avoid angering him. Not at all healthy. Don't ever commit to someone you can't be yourself around without fear of sulking or shouting or criticism.

And he called you crazy. Another huge flag flying there.

It feels as though you put his wants above your own. HE wants anal. HE wants to get engaged. I'll bet you see him when he wants to don't you. A good relationship is a 50/50 balance. Both people have equal say, equal power, equal respect. Both compromise. Both want the other to be happy. Neither would force or manipulate or coerce the other in to doing things they aren't sure about. And DON'T ask him if it's a dealbreaker. That tells him you'll do anything to keep him. That you will do something you don't want to do just to please him!! NO! Tell him it's a dealbreaker for you - if he wants anal then you'll be on your way as you don't want to do it.

I also think your insecurity about his ex is unreasaonble. We all have history, it is what it is. Unless he keeps rubbing your nose in his past / comparing you with his ex unkindly which would obviously be wrong on his part. But it isn't OK to be jealous of someone's past.

I fear he is the sort who will now use that against you. In fact he already has. He can now call you 'crazy', and he knows he can manipulate you in to feeling insecure and upset by mentioning the ex, which he can use against you again when he wants to.

To be honest, I'd have chucked him for trying to coerce me in to anal sex. The other stuff just cements my opinion that you deserve better.

Anal sex probably? A lot of men seem to be into this.

I think if you have only known each other for 7 months then it is WAY to soon to be moving in together. My last situationship was long distance and he conned me for years.. red flags there early on, but I "loved him". Big nope here OP.

How much time have you spent together in real life? Sounds like not enough. Did you meet him online?

I honestly think LDRs are a waste of time unless you met locally first and have spent a LONG time getting to know each other. By a long time I mean at least 2 years.

Only fools rush in.

Send him links to strap on dicks.. Say as it's HIS birthday HE should be getting the anal.

Posted before reading the entire thread.

I concur with most of the previous posters. He sounds like a creep at best, at worst an abuser in the making.

Don't rush in, only fools rush in. You barely know him, and now he is showing you who he really is.

Now I am older and wiser I would not tolerate a second of this kind of manipulative shit. I KNOW from experience that you only know someone from TIME TIME TIME spent TOGETHER.

You don't know this man from the next one down the street. I don't care if his cock has a golden tip and is 10 inches long and your chemistry is off the charts. Sex and chemistry evolve and change and fluctuate. If you don't have the basics in place, like time time timmmmmmmmmmme spent together, mutual respect, good communication, ZERO manipulation and time time time REALLY finding out who this person is, before moving in, then get ready for a shit show. I would personally be chucking this rotten fish straight back into the pond.

He's showing you who he really is. Believe him. Take it from one who has been there.

@PinaColada123456

OP, anal sex is very rarely pleasurable for the woman. There are no nerves up there except pain nerves, so women don't get anything out of it, it's only for the male. Even if lots of lube is used, it is either painful at worst or lacking any pleasure for you at best. And it's unhygienic. You say he talks about it 'constantly'. That rings alarm bells, not only because he is trying to force you into a sex act that has no benefit to you, but because if you do try it with him even just once, it sounds like he will expect it regularly, whether you like it or not. I think you need to tell him you're upset at his constant discussion of it and "tbh, it's not something I have any intention of ever wanting to try, so please stop talking about it. If that's a dealbreaker for you, let me go and find someone who does want it." I'd also ask him if he's gay, and "why do you want to stick it up an arse when you have a woman with a vagina to have sex with".

I don't think you can generalise like that actually. I find it extremely pleasurable and a real turn on. Just because you don't like it doesn't mean that other women are the same.

I cannot believe that he asked for anal as his birthday present.

Makes you think about how he sees you and your body.

Read this, especially point 7

yimregister.medium.com/the-abusers-textbook-13-steps-abusers-take-to-trap-victims-fab7bd2a78a1

thenarcissisticlife.com/what-is-narcissist-triangulation/

My ex used to mention his first ex wife a LOT. How amazing she was and how she loved him so much and sex was so off the charts. But she kicked him out and divorced him within less than 5 years. So did the second ex wife. She did a runner.... got a restraining order on him.

These morons can be dangerous eventually, but in the beginning, act like saints. Slowly sometimes quickly they reveal their true selves, which is what is happening to you now. LDRs make it EASY to manipulate another person.

Watch the Tinder Swindler for an extreme example of a clever and charming conman for a good introduction to the world of abusers. I think you're being targeted.

So basically he’s happy to do a sexual act with a woman that he knows she does want
That’s creepy as fuck

Abusers love to make you feel as if you need to compete with someone else. It keeps you small and constantly trying to be better, whilst getting your focus off their negative behaviour

jazzupyourwanderlust.com/warning-signs-in-toxic-long-distance-relationship/

Never a good idea to discuss previous partners & sex! As for expecting a bum sex birthday treat what kind of a creep are you with?
You shouldn't feel obliged just because his ex let him do it.
Raise the bar a bit...you couldn't get much lower!

@SpicePumpkin Regardless of him being an asshole

Freudian slip??!!

How are you feeling today OP? I know these comments are a lot but I hope you've had time to let them sink in.

Hi everyone. I’ve read through all of the comments and it is a lot to take in. It’s difficult for me to think of him as a creep or an abuser. I know that the birthday sexual favour was a red flag. We spoke about everything that happened last night and he apologised for what he asked and told me that it was something he said in the heat of the moment while he was turned on. I explained clearly that I’m not ready for that at the moment and he accepted it. I also addressed my overreaction about the ex and he said I was upset about a problem that doesn’t exist. I feel better now and things between us are ok.

The thing that confuses me is that all his other behaviour is not abusive at all. He doesn’t want to isolate me from my family or friends. He’s willing to move away from his own support network to be near my family because he knows I’m close to them. He’s thoughtful, plans days out that I’d like, keeps in touch and never makes me feel like he’s hiding anything.

He also doesn’t have an interest in porn. I know some people will say he’s lying but I believe him. I’ve never seen any sign of it on his devices or in the way he treats me. My ex watched a huge amount of porn and it was reflected in his sexual behaviour. This man is considerate and when we’re intimate and it never seems porny or all about his needs. I wonder if I’ve accidentally made a narrative of sex being a ‘gift’. I sometimes buy sexy lingerie for special occasions and refer to it as a special thing for him. Maybe he’s misread that and has taken it too far.

I do feel like I need to spend more time with him before making a big commitment. I just feel that I’ve wasted a lot of time with people who weren’t right for me and I really like him. But now I’m not sure. Some of these comments have worried me.

This man is considerate and when we’re intimate and it never seems porny or all about his needs

Really? Because in your op ypu said he constantly asks for anal when you have sex. So one of those statements is not true.

He's considerate to your needs and not 'porny'? And yet:

he asked me if I would do a sexual act (anal) that he really likes on his birthday which is coming up soon. I know he wants to do it as he constantly mentions it during sex.

That's not a considerate bloke.

It's a bloke who thinks that if he pesters you enough you'll take part in a sex act he knows full well you don't really want to take part in.

Think about it. Really think about it - What kind of man wants their girlfriend to do something sexually they know they don't really want to do? Especially something that is likely to be painful for her?

What kind of man wants his 'birthday present' to be his girlfriend having anal sex he knows she doesn't want to have, for the first time ever, which is likely to be painful?

Not a nice man.

Mia please understand that the early stages with an abuser are love bombing. They mould themselves into your perfect ideal man & will seem loving & perfect, but after a while you get odd glimpses of entitled or belittling behaviour. Just as you have had here. Pull them up on it & they justify it & sucker you again if you don't pay full attention.

He has let slip & told you who he is, please don't be so silly as to ignore the obvious red flags & allow him to minimise it with silly "heat of the moment" comments... ffs, a bloody rapist could use that line, it would not make his actions less toxic

“I explained clearly that I’m not ready for that at the moment and he accepted it”

To me this reads as you saying you will do it at some point in the future. He just needs to be patient.

*He's considerate to your needs and not 'porny'? And yet:

he asked me if I would do a sexual act (anal) that he really likes on his birthday which is coming up soon. I know he wants to do it as he constantly mentions it during sex.*

Yeah, I was going go back and read that again because I was .