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Original poster

Could this work or should I dismiss it as a holiday romance?

89 replies

DanielTigersNeighbourhood · 15/03/2022 18:57

Name changed for obvious reasons Blush

Back story:
STBXH and I split up 18 months ago after a violent 6 year relationship. We share a 2.5yo DC, who he chooses to have little to do with. I've totally rebuilt my life, got my career back on track and am earning well, have a great circle of friends etc. Divorce is in the early stages. Day to day stresses of working a 60hr week parenting a toddler alone whilst a divorce is pending aside, I'm really happy.

My DPs have been visiting an East African country for 15 years + and bought a property out there 5 years ago. I've been out there with them (and STBXH) 6-7 times. They spend 5-6 months of the year out there and have a big social circle consisting of both locals and Europeans.

Around 6 years ago, my DF was introduced to a local professional in his hobby - let's call him A. A spent some time coaching my DF, they made good friends and meet up 2-3 times a week whilst he's out there plus chat on WhatsApp regularly when he's home. I have met A a couple of times at social events and we've always got on really well.

In October, news broke that A and his wife were divorcing. Sounded fairly acrimonious, lockdowns intensified issues they'd previously had. They remain on good terms and co parent their 3yo DS.

I can work fully remotely and last month, went out for 4 weeks with DD to stay with my DPs. I bumped into A whilst out running on my second day and we decided to run together each morning before work. I always thought he was attractive, and we always got on well, but the chemistry between us was like nothing I have experienced before. We both tried to ignore it - he was aware of what I'd experienced and that I didn't want anything with anyone. We ended up spending a good chunk of time together - running, he came for bbqs at ours, a handful of social events, a play date with the kids - and everyone commented on the chemistry between us.

3 days before I was due to leave, we were out running and he stopped and kissed me. I've never ever had "butterflies" before but it felt like a whole swarm of them in my stomach.

I came home and wrote it off as a bit of attention that I enjoyed post STBXH but the reality is, I cannot stop thinking about him. He has made it very clear he'd like more but he understands my situation and is happy to take things at my pace, if at all. He's spoken to my DP's and had the all clear from them, if I did want to press on.

I'm due to go back out early summer (was pre booked) and all I find myself doing is counting down the days until I can see him again.

In terms of age, I'm 29, he's 35. He is Muslim but not devout. Will fast for Ramadan but will also have a cheeky g&t. Appreciates that I'm agnostic (we've had lots of conversations about this). In terms of culture, is totally westernised, grew up with sisters and is a feminist. Earns well above his country's standards but little in UK money however is highly skilled and could earn good money whenever he went.

Considering his tie to my family, I don't believe for a second he is interested in money or a visa - he would have had plenty of opportunity for that with lots of others. In fact, this is something we have joked about.

My main concern is DD. Is it selfish for me to potentially pursue something like this?! We have ties to his country and he has a sister and a cousin close to where I live in the UK.

My dilemma is, could this possibly work/is this worth pursuing or do I write it off as a holiday romance?

OP posts:
Original poster
DanielTigersNeighbourhood · 15/03/2022 18:58

Also - obviously DD did not see us kiss/touch etc in anyway. She did spend time with him (and his DS) but knows him as "DGD's friend"

OP posts:
OliveToboogie · 15/03/2022 20:35

Take things slowly you have nothing to lose. Just be careful. "at the end of our life we shall be more disappointed by thee things we did not do rather than the things we did. So unfurl the sail, cast off the bowline, leave the safety of the harbour and set sale into the deep waters" Mark Tawin

Thingsdogetbetter · 15/03/2022 20:37

You've only known him 4 weeks.
He lives in another country. He has a child in the country and you have one in yours. How do you see this panning out? Long distance forever. He moves to your country leaving his dc behind? You support him until he gets residence? You move to his? Despite your ex being uninvolved, do you think he'd allow his dc to be taken to live in another country? Could you permanently work there?

MCLQC · 15/03/2022 20:42

Write it off as a holiday romance.

Cerealnamechangerer · 15/03/2022 20:51

"He's spoken to my DP's and had the all clear from them, if I did want to press on."

Sorry, what? If he's such a feminist why did he think he needs your parents permission?

It's a holiday romance. Of course it felt exciting.

FinallyHere · 15/03/2022 20:54

He's spoken to my DP's and had the all clear from them,

For this, alone, I would not be taking it further. There is something here that smacks of treating women as chattels, to be handed from farther to partner.

I'd leave it as a happy holiday romance.

HundredMilesAnHour · 15/03/2022 21:18

He's spoken to my DP's and had the all clear from them, if I did want to press on.

Like other posters, this phrase makes me very uncomfortable. This is a red flag to me.

nuggetmum · 15/03/2022 21:20

This sounds like a movie I would watch. ❤️
See how your trip coming up goes and be open to conversation on how it may or may not work and what the future will look like. Your child is your priority and make that clear (it may be a lovely holiday spot but make sure it is an environment you're happy to bring your child up in if moving ends up being the only solution).
I say have fun! Good luck 🤞🏻

Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/03/2022 21:25

Just take it slow
And build a friendship as a foundation
Why should being a single parent preclude romance
And not does having an abusive relationship mean you can’t have a nice one

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/03/2022 22:34

@HundredMilesAnHour

He's spoken to my DP's and had the all clear from them, if I did want to press on.

Like other posters, this phrase makes me very uncomfortable. This is a red flag to me.

So, so, so very much this.
bonfireheart · 15/03/2022 22:37

Take it slow.

SunflowerTed · 15/03/2022 23:08

@DanielTigersNeighbourhood

Name changed for obvious reasons Blush

Back story:
STBXH and I split up 18 months ago after a violent 6 year relationship. We share a 2.5yo DC, who he chooses to have little to do with. I've totally rebuilt my life, got my career back on track and am earning well, have a great circle of friends etc. Divorce is in the early stages. Day to day stresses of working a 60hr week parenting a toddler alone whilst a divorce is pending aside, I'm really happy.

My DPs have been visiting an East African country for 15 years + and bought a property out there 5 years ago. I've been out there with them (and STBXH) 6-7 times. They spend 5-6 months of the year out there and have a big social circle consisting of both locals and Europeans.

Around 6 years ago, my DF was introduced to a local professional in his hobby - let's call him A. A spent some time coaching my DF, they made good friends and meet up 2-3 times a week whilst he's out there plus chat on WhatsApp regularly when he's home. I have met A a couple of times at social events and we've always got on really well.

In October, news broke that A and his wife were divorcing. Sounded fairly acrimonious, lockdowns intensified issues they'd previously had. They remain on good terms and co parent their 3yo DS.

I can work fully remotely and last month, went out for 4 weeks with DD to stay with my DPs. I bumped into A whilst out running on my second day and we decided to run together each morning before work. I always thought he was attractive, and we always got on well, but the chemistry between us was like nothing I have experienced before. We both tried to ignore it - he was aware of what I'd experienced and that I didn't want anything with anyone. We ended up spending a good chunk of time together - running, he came for bbqs at ours, a handful of social events, a play date with the kids - and everyone commented on the chemistry between us.

3 days before I was due to leave, we were out running and he stopped and kissed me. I've never ever had "butterflies" before but it felt like a whole swarm of them in my stomach.

I came home and wrote it off as a bit of attention that I enjoyed post STBXH but the reality is, I cannot stop thinking about him. He has made it very clear he'd like more but he understands my situation and is happy to take things at my pace, if at all. He's spoken to my DP's and had the all clear from them, if I did want to press on.

I'm due to go back out early summer (was pre booked) and all I find myself doing is counting down the days until I can see him again.

In terms of age, I'm 29, he's 35. He is Muslim but not devout. Will fast for Ramadan but will also have a cheeky g&t. Appreciates that I'm agnostic (we've had lots of conversations about this). In terms of culture, is totally westernised, grew up with sisters and is a feminist. Earns well above his country's standards but little in UK money however is highly skilled and could earn good money whenever he went.

Considering his tie to my family, I don't believe for a second he is interested in money or a visa - he would have had plenty of opportunity for that with lots of others. In fact, this is something we have joked about.

My main concern is DD. Is it selfish for me to potentially pursue something like this?! We have ties to his country and he has a sister and a cousin close to where I live in the UK.

My dilemma is, could this possibly work/is this worth pursuing or do I write it off as a holiday romance?

He is interested in both the money and the visa
marcopront · 16/03/2022 04:03

I don't see why the ties to your family mean he isn't interested in the money or the visa.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 16/03/2022 06:27

Why does his ethnicity and location means he wants a visa and money ?
That’s racist

PleaseBeSeated · 16/03/2022 06:37

Hang on, he kissed you once while out on a run, and suddenly he’s talked to the parents of a 29 year old divorced mother who lives on another continent for the all-clear?

Quite apart from how you see it working, there’s your issue right there, regardless of whether he likes a G and T.

JeffThePilot · 16/03/2022 06:37

Practically, how would this work? One of you would ultimately have to move. You both have children. Would your ex give consent for your child to move with you? He might not, which would mean lengthy court proceedings which may not end in your favour. And I know you say your job is remote working, but this is unlikely to be transferable to another country for tax reasons, so what would you do for work?

flipflopjump · 16/03/2022 06:39

In the long term are you willing to be in a long distance relationship until your child is an adult? If not this would mean separating either your child, or his, from a parent.

For that reason alone, I wouldn't pursue this.

Have you done the freedom programme? Having one abusive relationship means you are vulnerable to another (although often the nature of the abuse is different).

Faevern · 16/03/2022 06:54

Why is it a dilemma, how does it go from a kiss and a few bbq's to him requesting permission from your parents, to you thinking can it work long term?

What happened to just enjoying yourself for what it is?

Coffeencrochet · 16/03/2022 06:54

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Why does his ethnicity and location means he wants a visa and money ? That’s racist
This was my first thought.
JangolinaPitt · 16/03/2022 08:24

Thisisworsethananticpated
Why does his ethnicity and location means he wants a visa and money ?
That’s racist
This was my first thought.
Aren’t you rubbing your hands with glee to be able to hurl the ‘racist!’ insult.
Not racist bat all to raise the awareness with the OP of what is a very realistic possibility.

HollowTalk · 16/03/2022 08:37

It's a holiday romance. I really really really wouldn't pursue it further. It's interesting you say his marriage was very acrimonious and yet they get on very well now. I wonder what his wife would have to say about that.

Coffeencrochet · 16/03/2022 09:22

@JangolinaPitt

Thisisworsethananticpated Why does his ethnicity and location means he wants a visa and money ? That’s racist This was my first thought. Aren’t you rubbing your hands with glee to be able to hurl the ‘racist!’ insult. Not racist bat all to raise the awareness with the OP of what is a very realistic possibility.
Or maybe just someone who is fed up of having racist remarks made about myself on a regular basis? I just wonder what the reaction would've been if OP hadn't mentioned his location as well as being Muslim.

Anyway OP I would just see this as a holiday romance - its great that you're having those feelings again after a horrible relationship, but would a LDR work when you both have kids and careers in your own countries? It's too much to think about after what you've been through Flowers

Spudina · 16/03/2022 09:29

I think it would be a nice holiday fling. But best left at that.

Anyfeckinusername · 16/03/2022 09:36

Don’t do it.

I gave a child with someone and do not have his permission to leave the UK. So I’m here, but I’m not from here.

Secondly, I am in a long term relationship with a man from my home country. After five years, it is really hard, because life happens in the day to day, and not on the holidays and breaks you plan together. Eventually this runs out of steam, or at least, it becomes really hard.

So if moving is looking unlikely, unfortunately it’s hard to see how you’ll work it out.

But…. it might not even get that far! You could just keep seeing him and enjoy the ride!

Just to say, I felt a bit eh? at the feminist bit…. See how he treats the shared responsibility of his child with his ex to determine if he is a feminist… that will give you a good compass on his views on division of labour, childcare costs and responsibilities.

Pinkbonbon · 16/03/2022 11:41

@PleaseBeSeated

Hang on, he kissed you once while out on a run, and suddenly he’s talked to the parents of a 29 year old divorced mother who lives on another continent for the all-clear?

Quite apart from how you see it working, there’s your issue right there, regardless of whether he likes a G and T.

Yeah op that's funking terrifying. He sounds like a psychopath.

Would explain the intense chemistry that other ppl picked up on too. Its actually them looking at you like a shark eyes it's dinner. But we mistake it for chemistry.

Chalk it up to a hot (but creepy as fuck) holiday romance. And never ever see or speak to him again.

You say your ex was abusive. Have you done the reading since then consistently on how to spot abuse? Especially in the dating stages?

Because this guy sounds like a walking Red flag.
You have kids to think of too. Don't take mad risks.