Could this work or should I dismiss it as a holiday romance?

[DanielTigersNeighbourhood]

Name changed for obvious reasons

Back story:
STBXH and I split up 18 months ago after a violent 6 year relationship. We share a 2.5yo DC, who he chooses to have little to do with. I've totally rebuilt my life, got my career back on track and am earning well, have a great circle of friends etc. Divorce is in the early stages. Day to day stresses of working a 60hr week parenting a toddler alone whilst a divorce is pending aside, I'm really happy.

My DPs have been visiting an East African country for 15 years + and bought a property out there 5 years ago. I've been out there with them (and STBXH) 6-7 times. They spend 5-6 months of the year out there and have a big social circle consisting of both locals and Europeans.

Around 6 years ago, my DF was introduced to a local professional in his hobby - let's call him A. A spent some time coaching my DF, they made good friends and meet up 2-3 times a week whilst he's out there plus chat on WhatsApp regularly when he's home. I have met A a couple of times at social events and we've always got on really well.

In October, news broke that A and his wife were divorcing. Sounded fairly acrimonious, lockdowns intensified issues they'd previously had. They remain on good terms and co parent their 3yo DS.

I can work fully remotely and last month, went out for 4 weeks with DD to stay with my DPs. I bumped into A whilst out running on my second day and we decided to run together each morning before work. I always thought he was attractive, and we always got on well, but the chemistry between us was like nothing I have experienced before. We both tried to ignore it - he was aware of what I'd experienced and that I didn't want anything with anyone. We ended up spending a good chunk of time together - running, he came for bbqs at ours, a handful of social events, a play date with the kids - and everyone commented on the chemistry between us.

3 days before I was due to leave, we were out running and he stopped and kissed me. I've never ever had "butterflies" before but it felt like a whole swarm of them in my stomach.

I came home and wrote it off as a bit of attention that I enjoyed post STBXH but the reality is, I cannot stop thinking about him. He has made it very clear he'd like more but he understands my situation and is happy to take things at my pace, if at all. He's spoken to my DP's and had the all clear from them, if I did want to press on.

I'm due to go back out early summer (was pre booked) and all I find myself doing is counting down the days until I can see him again.

In terms of age, I'm 29, he's 35. He is Muslim but not devout. Will fast for Ramadan but will also have a cheeky g&t. Appreciates that I'm agnostic (we've had lots of conversations about this). In terms of culture, is totally westernised, grew up with sisters and is a feminist. Earns well above his country's standards but little in UK money however is highly skilled and could earn good money whenever he went.

Considering his tie to my family, I don't believe for a second he is interested in money or a visa - he would have had plenty of opportunity for that with lots of others. In fact, this is something we have joked about.

My main concern is DD. Is it selfish for me to potentially pursue something like this?! We have ties to his country and he has a sister and a cousin close to where I live in the UK.

My dilemma is, could this possibly work/is this worth pursuing or do I write it off as a holiday romance?

@GreenClock

You’ve done so well over the last 18 months. Don’t undo it all now. If you’re ready to date, find a decent bloke where you live.

Id say the same. Only go for it if he can get to where you are - and take care of himself. A holiday in a place is never the same as living there.

The blatant racism on this thread is breathtaking.

Is it really racist to state that there are people in poorer parts of the world, who will use means, legitimate or otherwise to seek what they perceive to be a better life for themselves?

I don't doubt that many people in many parts of the world will use any means that they can to better the lives of themselves or their families. I have nothing but sympathy for those people.

Call me naive but I just do not think A is that person. My DF has been to his house before. It's a nice house. He earns well above the average. He's not "poor."

A has been working at the club my DF is part of for 15 years. He was only with his ex for 6 years of that. The club is perhaps 75% European. I am sure that if A had his sights set on a UK passport, he would have tried before. My DF is friendly with people who has known A since he started there and no one has anything bad to say about him.

I know of a number of people who have been stung by (predominately men) in the area. This is something that happens, rightly or wrongly, but I would be highly surprised if this was A's intention. He also knows that, right now, I don't want a relationship. We have spent hours talking about this hence why he didn't act on his feelings earlier.

That's not to say that I am going to pursue anything with him. I don't want anything serious right now with anyone. Long term, realistically, things probably won't work out but considering we are both post divorce, I cannot see the harm in exchanging texts and meeting up when I'm out there.

@DanielTigersNeighbourhood

Calling my child traumatised is quite an assumption. I really don't appreciate that. She is a very happy, confident little girl.

She has been traumatised. She has suffered multiple adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). Her father was violent and abusive to you which would have led to high levels of cortisol in the womb, and even if she didn’t witness or suffer abuse directly, she would have been affected by the tension and anxiety in the home. There was also a family split when she was 1. Oh and a father who doesn’t want to see her. Her physiological and psychological responses to that trauma haven’t even begun to play themselves out.

I would encourage you not to sweep this under the rug but get support for her AND YOU. Please just do the Freedom Programme.

[quote bluedodecagon]@DanielTigersNeighbourhood

Calling my child traumatised is quite an assumption. I really don't appreciate that. She is a very happy, confident little girl.

She has been traumatised. She has suffered multiple adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). Her father was violent and abusive to you which would have led to high levels of cortisol in the womb, and even if she didn’t witness or suffer abuse directly, she would have been affected by the tension and anxiety in the home. There was also a family split when she was 1. Oh and a father who doesn’t want to see her. Her physiological and psychological responses to that trauma haven’t even begun to play themselves out.

I would encourage you not to sweep this under the rug but get support for her AND YOU. Please just do the Freedom Programme.[/quote]
I have done the Freedom Programme, alongside weekly therapy sessions for the past 18 months, plus group therapy that I was referred to by my Health Visitor and GP.

With the greatest of respect, you do not know my daughter.

Op herself has said he has a decent life and job

The assumption in this thread and grim and means that op had some fairly shitty advice

Horrible

DanielTigersNeighbourhood

I’ve also done the freedom programme
It’s hard dating afterwards to be honest
Whilst have that photo (you know the one of the two types ? Good and bad behaviours ) in my head
But for less major red flags it’s still hit and miss
My boundaries are a bit blurred
I’m not saying it applies to this fellow but it’s worth noting

bluedodecagon

What the actual fuck
Who speak to a stranger in such a way
Are you so invested in being right that you think it’s ok to malign a total stranger ?

Malign her? I’m trying to help her, not that she cares.

@DanielTigersNeighbourhood
Why even make the post if you all you want to hear is “go for it!”? Something made you post. Something made you hesitate. You came to mumsnet for reassurance because you knew to be cautious.

But you are now only listening to the posts that say, not only should you date him, but if you don’t date him you are a racist!

You think it’s a good sign that you have 100% faith in his motives but it isn’t. If you had come on this thread and said I’m cautious, I don’t know the guy but I like him and I’ll go slowly, I think a lot of people would’ve said go for it. But you are already playing the rationalisation dance. You are already making it “us against the world”. His motivations are perfect. He’s not like the other guys. And you trust him 100%. Why? Because of a few conversations. It’s ridiculous. You are 18 months out of abusive relationship with a 2 1/2-year-old and he lives in a different country. You don’t know him. And you trust his motivations 100%. Seriously?

Also “is totally westernised”? Yikes! Racist, much?

@bluedodecagon I haven't, anywhere, said I'm going to crack on and date him. I've said I'm going to tentatively continue to exchange messages and based on how that goes, likely meet up when I'm there in May.

Describing someone as westernised is not racist. That's a fact?

I was born in England my family are from the Caribbean. I Met my husband on holiday in the Caribbean whom I later married. My family were angry before I married him but didnt explain to me that maybe he just wanted a better opportunity in life and would do anything to get it. Maybe I would have listened to them, who knows. The marriage didnt work out because he wasn't the person I thought he was. It took less than 12wks to see that we wasnt serious he just wanted to go out get drunk and socialise. I had to divorce him and get a catholic annulment. Basically what I'm saying is it may work or it may not work who knows its depends of what is really in that person's heart. I've done what I've done but I know friends that have sent for there wives from abroad (Africa)and the relationship has lasted.
Personally if I was you I'd give myself a chance to meet someone from my own country of living.

@TinaYouFatLard

Is it really racist to state that there are people in poorer parts of the world, who will use means, legitimate or otherwise to seek what they perceive to be a better life for themselves?

People in EVERY part of the world do this.