Could this work or should I dismiss it as a holiday romance?

[DanielTigersNeighbourhood]

Name changed for obvious reasons

Back story:
STBXH and I split up 18 months ago after a violent 6 year relationship. We share a 2.5yo DC, who he chooses to have little to do with. I've totally rebuilt my life, got my career back on track and am earning well, have a great circle of friends etc. Divorce is in the early stages. Day to day stresses of working a 60hr week parenting a toddler alone whilst a divorce is pending aside, I'm really happy.

My DPs have been visiting an East African country for 15 years + and bought a property out there 5 years ago. I've been out there with them (and STBXH) 6-7 times. They spend 5-6 months of the year out there and have a big social circle consisting of both locals and Europeans.

Around 6 years ago, my DF was introduced to a local professional in his hobby - let's call him A. A spent some time coaching my DF, they made good friends and meet up 2-3 times a week whilst he's out there plus chat on WhatsApp regularly when he's home. I have met A a couple of times at social events and we've always got on really well.

In October, news broke that A and his wife were divorcing. Sounded fairly acrimonious, lockdowns intensified issues they'd previously had. They remain on good terms and co parent their 3yo DS.

I can work fully remotely and last month, went out for 4 weeks with DD to stay with my DPs. I bumped into A whilst out running on my second day and we decided to run together each morning before work. I always thought he was attractive, and we always got on well, but the chemistry between us was like nothing I have experienced before. We both tried to ignore it - he was aware of what I'd experienced and that I didn't want anything with anyone. We ended up spending a good chunk of time together - running, he came for bbqs at ours, a handful of social events, a play date with the kids - and everyone commented on the chemistry between us.

3 days before I was due to leave, we were out running and he stopped and kissed me. I've never ever had "butterflies" before but it felt like a whole swarm of them in my stomach.

I came home and wrote it off as a bit of attention that I enjoyed post STBXH but the reality is, I cannot stop thinking about him. He has made it very clear he'd like more but he understands my situation and is happy to take things at my pace, if at all. He's spoken to my DP's and had the all clear from them, if I did want to press on.

I'm due to go back out early summer (was pre booked) and all I find myself doing is counting down the days until I can see him again.

In terms of age, I'm 29, he's 35. He is Muslim but not devout. Will fast for Ramadan but will also have a cheeky g&t. Appreciates that I'm agnostic (we've had lots of conversations about this). In terms of culture, is totally westernised, grew up with sisters and is a feminist. Earns well above his country's standards but little in UK money however is highly skilled and could earn good money whenever he went.

Considering his tie to my family, I don't believe for a second he is interested in money or a visa - he would have had plenty of opportunity for that with lots of others. In fact, this is something we have joked about.

My main concern is DD. Is it selfish for me to potentially pursue something like this?! We have ties to his country and he has a sister and a cousin close to where I live in the UK.

My dilemma is, could this possibly work/is this worth pursuing or do I write it off as a holiday romance?

Aren’t you rubbing your hands with glee to be able to hurl the ‘racist!’ insult

No
Just found it a bit depressing

I'd be surprised if you bumping into him while you were out on a run was the accident you thought it was.

I'd be very very careful here if I was you.

I don’t get the negativity about this guy
I really don’t like the comments on this thread

Yeah it might not work out
But nothing in her post screams red flags

Two divorcing people hook up
Guys a family friend
What’s the suspicion

Treat it as a nice holiday thing. The children will be the issue long term. It can't work without one or other of the children losing something. You move there, your child loses their father and culture; he moves to the UK, his child potentially loses its father (because presumably child's mum wouldn't agree to child also moving). It can't work.

Don’t go there. Logistically speaking it sounds like a nightmare and you don’t know him, you think you do because of his connection to your DF but you really don’t. Don’t complicate your life.

@Wartywart

Treat it as a nice holiday thing. The children will be the issue long term. It can't work without one or other of the children losing something. You move there, your child loses their father and culture; he moves to the UK, his child potentially loses its father (because presumably child's mum wouldn't agree to child also moving). It can't work.

Very much agree with this. Plus if he was willing to leave his child to move to the UK I wouldn't have a lot of respect for him.

It all sounds very formal and thought out yet you haven't dated and have only had one kiss. Have you discussed where you would live? Don't assume that your ex will be onboard with you moving overseas either, even if he has little to do with the child now.

@Thisisworsethananticpated

I don’t get the negativity about this guy I really don’t like the comments on this thread

Yeah it might not work out
But nothing in her post screams red flags

Two divorcing people hook up
Guys a family friend
What’s the suspicion

You don’t think there’s anything at all off about this guy asking the parents of a visiting 29 year old divorced mother for their imprimatur a few months after his own marriage imploded in ‘acrimonious’ circumstances ???

If he's Muslim..either one of two things. He will expect you to convert at some point in the future especially if having children is on the cards. Or he's after a visa and he's justifying marrying you in his head for a better life for himself and his family. Of course there's the chance this is all genuine and if so great, but you've been on a run with him and not much more. Don't rush anything!

Sounds likely to be a fling (potentially more than a holiday romance but not long term) but who knows. Just keep your sensible head on, but nothing to stop you having fun.

The asking your parents sounds cultural, I wouldn't read too much into it

"He's spoken to my DP's and had the all clear from them, if I did want to press on." red flags all over that one.

Even if it is cultural, it’s a part of a culture which considers women to be chattels rather than beings in their own right. A minor cultural thing in the beginning can quickly escalate into the expectation of adherence to full cultural norms as a relationship progresses.

Aside from which, you have a child in your country, he has a child in his, so who is prepared to either ditch their child or take them away from the other parent? Added to which, is this a country you would realistically want your daughter to grow up in?

You’ve done so well over the last 18 months. Don’t undo it all now. If you’re ready to date, find a decent bloke where you live.

Holiday fling

Too much too soon with someone you don't know.
They only split up a few months ago and now all of a sudden he is asking your dad for permission. wtf?!

Could he want to be with you for a visa or money? Of course. Depending on what country you're talking about, these non-conventional ways of doing and getting things may be part of their culture. There's probably a word for it but in India we call it jugaad.

Mentioning him not practicing his religion and being completely westernised comes off a little racist. He IS from there and that IS his culture.

Would you consider moving there full time regardless of him? If not, I would file under 'holiday romance', enjoy the memories and move on. Starting a relationship with someone that far away with no end in sight isn't going to lead anywhere great tbh. If he did want to come to the UK, would you really want a man happy to live so far from his child (I doubt the mother would allow it to move too)? It doesn't sound like he has the money to regularly visit.

Actually I have another question that’s only just occurred to me — what on earth did your parents think when a recently-acrimoniously-separated hobby friend of your dad’s asked their permission to start dating their newly-divorced daughter visiting from their home country and still recovering from a violent marriage???

If you have a child and he has a child then this can’t possibly ever work. Unless you think you could move permanently to this place? I’m which case your life choices will be profoundly impacted. And your DD’s. Otherwise you’re talking about him moving away from his own child? I wouldn’t consider a man who would do that.

And don’t fall into the trap of thinking because someone isn’t devout in their religion that you’re on the same page. The cultural elements of “religions” can be very very deeply rooted. My mum was married to a Muslim man for 20 years. Being Muslim had no real impact on their relationship. But the cultural differences did, hugely.

Asking the parents would not bother me.
I see it along the same lines as a friend asking another friend if they are ok with them dating their sister, or ex, etc. Just a courtesy based on the fact that there is a pre-existing relationship and the person in question is very close to one of the parties, so there is a potential of getting hurt.

God people are being ridiculous.

The guy is the DF's friend. Of course he would be concerned that the DF might think he was preying on his daughter, who is potentially vulnerable, and had a chat to explain that he wasn't pushing her into anything but if she wanted to he was interested in something serious.

Shows only that he is a decent guy and concerned about everyone's feelings, nothing else.

OP of course there are logistical challenges given you both have dc who live in different countries, but if you take it slowly you might find that either

(a) it makes you feel good in the short term but you don't see it working longer term or

(b) this has the potential to really work eventually.

If it is the second, you will between you figure out the logistics. Just don't rush into anything, particularly if you have a history of allowing your boundaries to be pushed.

I am a believer that there is no such thing as a soul mate and we can team up with any number of people and make it work. Because of that I personally would choose someone who doesn't bring any "issues" to it and in this case it involves long distance , different countries , different religions and children in different places. I also believe that many women have these affairs after their marriage breaks up and they often do end up being unsuitable as they are based on the " amazing sex " they have which is natural to feel after a marriage break up. That first new guy is always amazing - he's new, he's reassuring to your ego but often he is just "unsuitable" if we look at things with our head as well as our fanny. @DanielTigersNeighbourhood your first paragraph shows how far you have come - don't let this throw a spanner in the works. I know this will seem harsh but take it from an old woman life is more enjoyable when it is easier. There will be plenty of lovely men in your home environment.

I totally agree with the post above. He was your dad's friend first, so only polite to say is it OK. Why that is 'creepy' is beyond me.

The most ridiculous post is the person saying chemistry between people doesn't exist.

It's a tough one though. Do you want to go and live there? To me, that's the only way you could be together.

@Movinghouseatlast

I totally agree with the post above. He was your dad's friend first, so only polite to say is it OK. Why that is 'creepy' is beyond me.

The most ridiculous post is the person saying chemistry between people doesn't exist.

It's a tough one though. Do you want to go and live there? To me, that's the only way you could be together.

I'm not saying chemistry 'doesn't exist'. I'm saying you have to ve careful of intensity early on as it might not be a good thing.

Interesting responses. I'm here and reading through.

I personally didn't see him speaking to my DPs as a red flag or even "permission" - more so, a polite understanding of my current situation and ensuring, as my DFs friend, he isn't potentially overstepping any boundaries. In my opinion, it would have been a bit awkward if we did crack on and he hadn't had a conversation with my DF, his friend, about it first?

If I didn't state in my OP that I do not believe he is intent on obtaining a visa or money, the replies would have been filled with that suggestion. I am aware that many (mainly men) from his country do seek to come to the UK because they're interested in the life they believe the UK can offer.

Perhaps I have worded things wrong and even over complicated the situation trying to provide a backstory.

I do agree the future is pretty bleak for us as a couple based on location and children alone. I have no imminent plans to relocate.

Right now, I think I will continue to chat to him whilst I'm home - the attention is a well needed ego boost if nothing else, and I really enjoy chatting to him. Realistically, I will see him when I'm out there in May but will make it crystal clear that something serious is not what I want.

Dating is (or was...) the last thing on my mind. I feel totally put off after STBXH, especially whilst work is so busy and my daughter is so young. I actually liked the idea of LD at the moment as it's a little less pressure but practically, becoming potentially emotionally invested in something that isn't going to materialise could be painful. I guess I need to gauge it.

The last thing I want to do is erase the progress I've made over the past 18 months.

@Curtilage

Actually I have another question that’s only just occurred to me — what on earth did your parents think when a recently-acrimoniously-separated hobby friend of your dad’s asked their permission to start dating their newly-divorced daughter visiting from their home country and still recovering from a violent marriage???

This! Madness. Massive red flag.

Going against the grain slightly, working 60hrs and parenting a toddler doesn't leave much time for conventional dating.

So maybe some texting and the odd holiday fling is actually fine.

The key is for you not to mistake it as real life, or any anything more than casual.

@bumpytrumpy

Going against the grain slightly, working 60hrs and parenting a toddler doesn't leave much time for conventional dating.

So maybe some texting and the odd holiday fling is actually fine.

The key is for you not to mistake it as real life, or any anything more than casual.

I agree with all of this