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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He needs space

77 replies

heneedsspace4 · 15/03/2022 11:26

Been with my boyfriend for just under a year. Overall it’s been really lovely, we’re very compatible and get on so well. He’s so supportive and I like to think I am too. We have a great time together.

The last few months have been stressful to me and admittedly sometimes I have been seeking reassurance etc. He said it’s okay as he knows it’s only temporary and I’ve clearly taken the steps to relieve my stress, and he was always so lovely and understanding. He said it wasn’t an issue for him and he would always be there.

On Friday night we both got very drunk and I ended up getting really upset, hysterical and I don’t remember much at all but I think I was saying how much I hate myself for hurting him all the time and attempted to hit myself on the head. From what I remember, he left my house.

When we spoke on Saturday morning (my birthday!) he was initially saying he can’t do it anymore. He said in general he is happy and that it is just that scenario that he can’t get past. I was drunk and it honestly felt like an out of body experience. I explained that I would stop drinking, continue with the therapy that I’m having and it’s a huge wake up call.

His mum was in the house which was embarrassing but she came and suggested we have a few days/week to cool off. Boyfriend nodded. Boyfriend was pretty much unresponsive and he barely spoke at all. I asked him if he was splitting up with me right at the end and he said “I don’t know”. He gave me a hug after refusing to before. He just seemed so cold and emotionless.

Since Saturday morning, I’ve not heard a peep. We never spoke about it properly, we never specified the exact time frame that we would speak again. I’m finding the unpredictably so hard. Obviously I am refraining from texting him first but I am really struggling waiting for him to reach out and not knowing when it’ll be. I am hurt that I haven’t heard from him in over 3 days as I did think he would care more just to check I was okay or something.

The waiting is killing me, but I know reaching out can’t be an option. What do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
heneedsspace4 · 15/03/2022 11:28

I feel so sad for him because he’s been so lovely and supportive to me. I also want to respect his space obviously, but at the same time it’s killing me

OP posts:
Original poster
heneedsspace4 · 15/03/2022 11:32

Also I feel like deep down I know the answer I’m going to get sadly, and it devastates me, and it feels like it’s being dragged out

OP posts:
Luna2 · 15/03/2022 11:33

How Old are you?

LemonTT · 15/03/2022 11:34

Honestly accept you need to write this relationship off. Focus on your problems and get better. Until you can see why he has decided to protect himself you aren’t ready for a relationship.

He is doing the right thing now for him. That might not be what you want to hear but the help you need isn’t in his gift. You need family, friends and mental health support.

Original poster
heneedsspace4 · 15/03/2022 11:34

26

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 15/03/2022 11:36

I'm vey sorry OP, you're obviously in a very difficult place in your life right now.

Unfortunately it does sound to me as if he wants out - it sounds like your behaviour on Friday really shook him. Being around someone in alcoholic blackout is very frightening.

I think for me, in your shoes I would assume the relationship is over. Continue working on myself through therapy, and taking whatever steps possible to alleviate the stressors in my life. Try to mentally wish him well. Be open to accepting him into my life if at some point he wanted to try again, but not to hang my hopes on that possibility.

It all sounds very hard, I'm sorry. Please stay away from alcohol, its not your friend and although it may feel like it temporarily alleviates stress and pain, they come back 10-fold once the drink has worn off. I'm a recovering alcoholic btw.

Luna2 · 15/03/2022 11:36

I agree. He should be a boy friend, not your therapist. I am sad for you but i completely understand him.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/03/2022 11:36

I'm sorry, op, but this relationship is over. He's had enough and I don't blame him. Your behaviour is completely unacceptable. Please respect him enough to leave him alone.

ComtesseDeSpair · 15/03/2022 11:38

I think that it will be fair enough, if you haven’t heard from him within the next week or so, to send a calm and purely factual message saying that you acknowledge you behaved unacceptably and that he said he needed space but that if he foresees this space becoming the end of the relationship then you’d prefer to know now so that you can have some certainty and start moving on with your life; and you’ll assume no response to the message within 48 hours as confirmation that it’s over. It’s absolutely fine for him to need some thinking space; it’s not fine for this to be entirely on his terms and to go on for as long as he sees fit, you have some agency here.

But beyond that, it sounds like either this isn’t the right relationship for you, or you’re not currently in the right place to be in a relationship at all. You’ve been together for less than a year and there’s been what sounds like constant emotional high drama. Whether that’s related to you being stressed about other things isn’t really the point - you’ve been dumping that onto somebody who shouldn’t have to deal with it, and it’s no surprise that in such a short relationship it’s very off putting to him.

I think the best thing to do is to focus on your therapy and stopping drinking without him being involved and for yourself and your own well-being not as a promise in order to coax him back.

Rickrollme · 15/03/2022 11:57

I am incredibly impressed that you haven’t contacted him, OP. It is the right thing to do but not easy. But instead of waiting foe him I woiod suggest you end this relationship on your own terms. It’s clear that you have your own issues to work on before you can be in a healthy relationship. But even if that were not the case your boyfriend doesn’t sound like a winner. Life is stressful and you will still face difficult times again. He doesn’t want to deal with you during those times and he doesn’t even know how to communicate when things get hard. Which brings me to the biggest issue of all — his mother. This is a MASSIVE red flag. Soend 5 minutes reading MN and you will realize you DO NOT want a future with a man who is OK with his mum getting actively involved with his relationship issues. If it’s like this do early in your relationship it will only get worse especially if you get married and have children with this man. I know it hurts and it won’t be easy now but this is your chance to avoid ten times more misery and heartbreak in the future. You can’t control or change your BF and his mother, you can only choose whether you are a part of it.

ComtesseDeSpair · 15/03/2022 12:19

you DO NOT want a future with a man who is OK with his mum getting actively involved with his relationship issues.

I’ve assumed they are both young, the ex-boyfriend lives at home, and OP was visiting him there. If OP was drunk and screaming and crying and banging her head in his mum’s house then I’d rather expect her to get involved, personally. Stating that his mum was wrong to intervene and ex boyfriend isn’t a winner for not wanting to put up with aforementioned drunk, hysterical behaviour is terrible advice. Where’s the motivation for OP to stop drinking and keep on with what sounds like much-needed therapy if the implication is that a “real man” should be able to deal with it?

Aquamarine1029 · 15/03/2022 12:31

Soend 5 minutes reading MN and you will realize you DO NOT want a future with a man who is OK with his mum getting actively involved with his relationship issues.

FFS. All the mother did was to suggest they take some time to cool off, while the op was in this woman's home. That's hardly getting "actively involved." 🙄

ValerieCupcake · 15/03/2022 12:48

I think I read another thread about this yesterday. I agree with others, it sounds like you need to write this off. Focus on you.

girlmom21 · 15/03/2022 12:52

I agree that this relationship is over. A year in it shouldn't by like this.

Get some help and leave him be.

NoNeedToWorryAboutAThing · 15/03/2022 12:52

OP, ypu posted about this unsteady amd everyone said he had done the right thing.

What are you hoping for today that will be different?

lastoneintown · 15/03/2022 13:03

@NoNeedToWorryAboutAThing

OP, ypu posted about this unsteady amd everyone said he had done the right thing.

What are you hoping for today that will be different?

Honestly, I hate these posts. She is hurting, and feeling the need to talk with other human beings about how she is hurting. Is that really so hard to understand? I don't really get why some here think that people post solely for solutions to their problems, when actually people often post for connection and understanding from their fellow humans.
NoNeedToWorryAboutAThing · 15/03/2022 13:11

It wasn't meant to he a criticism but her last thread was yesterday. She could have continued that and had the benefit of people reading all her comments and having the full details.

Bookworm20 · 15/03/2022 13:13

You had a blip, an emotional melt down by the sounds of it and he wasn't sure how to deal with it.
So he is taking some space.
Neither of you are wrong here. You are going trhough a tough time and you need someone who is able to support you and take up the slack a little while you work through it.

He isn't ready to be that kind of support for you or he isn't sure he can be strong enough or how to handle it.

I think the best thing you can do is focus on you. You didn't drive him away. If he was able to understand and support you I am sure he would, but perhaps he needs to think about whether he is the right person to help you through things.

I think the fact he hasn't cheked in to see how you are is a bit off, but again, perhaps he thinks it might be for the best that he leaves you alone to also work through some stuff.

I imagine you feel a mixture of hurt, embarrassed, scared, possily angry a bit too? But please don't beat yourself up over it. Dust yourself off and continue with the help you are getting. In a way if he isn't strong enough to emotionally be with you at this point in time, thats probably for the best however hard it is to accept at the moment.

Original poster
heneedsspace4 · 15/03/2022 13:15

Thank you everyone.
I think the hardest part is that he was very quiet and didn’t communicate - he only said he wanted space when his mum suggested it, and I’m sat here a bit confused at when/if he will make contact. Nothing was made clear :/

OP posts:
Trippingslippingx1 · 15/03/2022 13:16

I had a partner do something similar to me after four years - I could have sworn he was on drugs - it was horrific. I could not go back after the things he said and the way he treated me - drunk or not.

I loved him and still do - but I really had to walk away from him. It was traumatic as he was crying and like you very very upset when I went radio silent on him. He was also 26 at the time.

I can affirm that he will care about you, but sadly there are some situations where you have to take a step back and protect yourself from it happening again.

The best advice I can give you now is lean on friends and family for support and get therapy - you cannot contribute to a healthy relationship acting the way you did and really he is being very sensible pulling away.

Trippingslippingx1 · 15/03/2022 13:17

@NoNeedToWorryAboutAThing

OP, ypu posted about this unsteady amd everyone said he had done the right thing.

What are you hoping for today that will be different?

Lots of people do this - she is struggling. Be kind
gamerchick · 15/03/2022 13:20

I think I would assume the relationship was over OP. I don't think I would be able to come back from my partner having that sort of outburst, especially with the accumulated needing reassuring. I'd be out of my depth.

You need to assume he's not going to in touch, stop drinking and keep getting help for your problems.

Divebar2021 · 15/03/2022 13:26

If my child was involved with someone who had an episode that you described ( and I was witness to it) I would suggest some time out too. Her priority will be her son and I don’t think that’s unreasonable. Dragging it out for a long time is not acceptable though and you deserve to know where you stand.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/03/2022 13:26

The only time I’ve ever told someone I needed a break was when I was planning to dump them and scared about how they’d react. I think that’s what he’s doing. You obviously scared the crap out of him with your drunken outburst and self harm attempt, it’s not a very long term relationship and months of it have been taken up with your struggles already. You’re meant to be in the honeymoon period - having fun, getting to know each other, enjoying being together - and it sounds like you’re relying on him way too much and have set yourself up as a damsel in distress with him, unwittingly, as your saviour. That’s really unhealthy and he’s absolutely right to walk away.

You don’t say why his mum was there but I think she did the right thing too. She’s probably seeing the toll this has been taking on him and the black out was the final straw. She’s looking out for her son, that’s okay.

Assume it’s over because it should be. Work on yourself, get the professional help you need. Don’t date again till you’re feeling more stable.

girlmom21 · 15/03/2022 13:28

@heneedsspace4

Thank you everyone. I think the hardest part is that he was very quiet and didn’t communicate - he only said he wanted space when his mum suggested it, and I’m sat here a bit confused at when/if he will make contact. Nothing was made clear :/
He didn't know how to communicate because the night before you'd been communicating and tried to hurt yourself. Sorry OP but he was probably scared of triggering that behaviour against
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