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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He needs space

77 replies

heneedsspace4 · 15/03/2022 11:26

Been with my boyfriend for just under a year. Overall it’s been really lovely, we’re very compatible and get on so well. He’s so supportive and I like to think I am too. We have a great time together.

The last few months have been stressful to me and admittedly sometimes I have been seeking reassurance etc. He said it’s okay as he knows it’s only temporary and I’ve clearly taken the steps to relieve my stress, and he was always so lovely and understanding. He said it wasn’t an issue for him and he would always be there.

On Friday night we both got very drunk and I ended up getting really upset, hysterical and I don’t remember much at all but I think I was saying how much I hate myself for hurting him all the time and attempted to hit myself on the head. From what I remember, he left my house.

When we spoke on Saturday morning (my birthday!) he was initially saying he can’t do it anymore. He said in general he is happy and that it is just that scenario that he can’t get past. I was drunk and it honestly felt like an out of body experience. I explained that I would stop drinking, continue with the therapy that I’m having and it’s a huge wake up call.

His mum was in the house which was embarrassing but she came and suggested we have a few days/week to cool off. Boyfriend nodded. Boyfriend was pretty much unresponsive and he barely spoke at all. I asked him if he was splitting up with me right at the end and he said “I don’t know”. He gave me a hug after refusing to before. He just seemed so cold and emotionless.

Since Saturday morning, I’ve not heard a peep. We never spoke about it properly, we never specified the exact time frame that we would speak again. I’m finding the unpredictably so hard. Obviously I am refraining from texting him first but I am really struggling waiting for him to reach out and not knowing when it’ll be. I am hurt that I haven’t heard from him in over 3 days as I did think he would care more just to check I was okay or something.

The waiting is killing me, but I know reaching out can’t be an option. What do I do?

OP posts:

Namechanger0800 · 15/03/2022 14:04

honestly if he were my son I'd be advising him to get some space as well and also to ultimately withdraw from the relationship. it sounds like you need to get yourself into a more stable place and work on that outside of a relationship. it's not fair to look to him for your reassurance and support so early on in a relationship. getting hysterical and hitting yourself sounds awful for him and for you. Get your therapy and get yourself in an emotionally strong place before commencing a relationship

FullBush · 15/03/2022 14:13

You’ve had a lot of good advice already.

Now is the time to take stock of your own behaviour on the night and leading up to this point. You clearly have some work to do on yourself and trying to do that whilst also trying to maintain a relationship is unlikely to work out. It shouldn’t be this hard after such a short time and that’s a clear sign that things have become toxic.

Stop sitting around waiting for him to decide your future and start making focusing on getting mentally well.

Original poster

heneedsspace4 · 15/03/2022 16:10

Thanks all

We had a really nice evening before that; it was belated celebrations for his birthday. He told me that night that he’d had the best time ever and he was so happy.

It’s all blurry after this but I remember getting an inappropriate text from someone, which I blocked. But I think he kicked off about it, he has his own insecurities. From what I can gather over texts I sent after went home mid panic, I became so upset that I felt like I was upsetting him all the time. I didn’t want to ever hurt or effect him so I became so frustrated at myself.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 15/03/2022 16:14

Nice drip feed there...

So you weren't just drunk and emotional - you got drunk and emotional after receiving inappropriate messages from someone else? I'm not surprised he's gone off grid.

52andblue · 15/03/2022 16:20

I think @Bookworm has summed it up perfectly. Focus on you right now x

Original poster

heneedsspace4 · 15/03/2022 16:20

Hardly what it sounds like. It turned my birthday as I said and a boy I barely know said happy birthday so I said thanks. He then texted me something inappropriate and I said ewwww and blocked him. I didn’t ask for the text.
Boyfriend kicked off about it and I felt it wasn’t anything I’d done wrong but I felt shit for upsetting him yet again

OP posts:

OhMygodddd · 15/03/2022 16:20

I’m saying this gently….have you ever seen a adult repeatedly hit themselves in the head? I have and it’s horrific and very scary, especially if your not used to that type of thing or don’t like violence. You probably scared the life out of him.

I would contact him, if you want to, but don’t be falling all over yourself to apologise, you will just sound like a trivial mess! Be a bit Matter of fact. Apologise, say how it won’t happen again and your now back to being in control of yourself after 3 days of getting your head together…then get it together!! It’s ok to lean on someone, but is a boyfriend of just a year the one to do that on? I’m not sure, someone who has been in your life a lot longer would be better.

Prettybubblesintheair · 15/03/2022 16:22

I’m sorry op, the wait must be killing you. I know I would really struggle with that, I definitely wouldn’t have the strength to not message him for 3 days after he’s left you hanging so well done on that. It does sound as if he wants out, I’m sorry that must be very painful. I think after a week it would definitely be ok to contact him and try to see where you stand. Continue with your therapy and go easy on the drink. It sounds as if it might be best to call it quits now if he has his own issues, you both should work on yourselves separately

Aquamarine1029 · 15/03/2022 16:31

You gave a "boy" you "barely know" your phone number? If I were your boyfriend I'd be annoyed, too.

Original poster

heneedsspace4 · 15/03/2022 16:36

No it was on Facebook. Didn’t even know I had him

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 15/03/2022 16:38

@heneedsspace4

No it was on Facebook. Didn’t even know I had him

Ok, but none of this matters now anyway. The relationship is over. Get help for yourself and move on.

girlmom21 · 15/03/2022 16:38

@heneedsspace4

No it was on Facebook. Didn’t even know I had him

How do you not know who you have on Facebook?

Are you saying he messaged you in the early hours of the morning and you were having such a wonderful time with your boyfriend that you responded to a complete stranger (or 'boy I barely know') in the early hours of the morning too?

If a guy you barely know messages you in the early hours of the morning it's generally because he's a creep.

If you're messaging a guy you barely know in the early hours of the morning when you're drunk with your boyfriend it's perfectly understandable that he's going to get upset.

OrlandointheWilderness · 15/03/2022 16:41

I'm sorry OP but if I was with someone who has behaved the way you did I would've been scared to death. I think you need to take some time and get some help. And I really would suggest you maybe quit drinking until you get a handle on yourself.
Your bf did nothing wrong. As you know. He may be the perfect one for you, but maybe you aren't for him and he has every right to walk away.

pictish · 15/03/2022 17:00

I’m going to be a bit brutal but it’s meant well. You sound needful and insecure with a lack of self control. You should work on that yourself rather than expecting your boyfriend to absorb and support or even enable it. I’m not surprised he’s had enough. Hard bloody work.

I am quite sure his mum will be advising him to move on from the relationship after that performance. I’d say the same to my grown up son.

Good luck with setting yourself on a more positive path.

HazelBite · 15/03/2022 17:02

I think you need to write off this relationship, if that had been one of my sons and that had happened in my house my instinct would be to have eased you out of the front door.
He doesn't need the drama, leave him be and concentrate on getting yourself stable before getting involve with anyone else

NotaCoolMum · 15/03/2022 17:38

Op is leaving out the fact that she has OCD/anxiety issues that she’s not getting professional help for (or she’s avoided answering the question on her last thread yesterday.

@heneedsspace4 you need to work on YOU. You are not in a place to be in a healthy relationship at the moment. Until you realise that and seek help- you are going to repeat this cycle.
As I said yesterday- I have OCD so I do get it- however I got professional help and I am a completely different person to the anxious obsessive person I was 15 years ago. Get help. Sort yourself out before you try to bring another person into your life 🌻

NotaCoolMum · 15/03/2022 17:43

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4505051-Utterly-heartbroken-and-really-messed-up

Link to OPs original post yesterday.

@heneedsspace4 you CAN overcome this 🌻

dontwatchthat · 15/03/2022 17:43

I didn't read the previous thread but I can see you're not in a great place right now

My advice I'm sorry I don't think you want to hear it. But it's to forget about him and focus on you.

Get the help you need. I would lay off alcohol too. It's never good but especially with anxiety.

Because it's no good getting back with him or anyone until you have yourself more sorted.

I mean this with the best of intentions. I can see you're hurting. And I hope this gets through. I know how hard it is

horseyhorsey17 · 15/03/2022 17:46

I think it's over. That must have been scary for him. There's clearly stuff going on if you try and self-harm while drunk, and I hope you're OK and getting any help/support you need, but like others have said, I think you need to assume the relationship is over, and work on yourself.

user1471457751 · 15/03/2022 17:56

@Bookworm20 unfortunately it is more than a blip. OPs previous thread had more detail about her behaviour - she has rather sanitised it for this thread

vamptramp · 15/03/2022 18:02

Sorry op, but it sounds like you're not well enough to be in a relationship just now.

I've been there, I was a mess for several years. Lots of therapy and finding the right medication helps.

It sounds like you need to get better mentally first. If you're unwell then your behaviour may not have been your fault as such, but he's not wrong to have boundaries that says he's not willing to accept such behaviour.

Get better, then think about finding a relationship.

Watchkeys · 15/03/2022 18:24

I have been seeking reassurance etc. He said it’s okay as he knows it’s only temporary

How do you feel about this, @heneedsspace4? Does it feel like it's ok for you to be stressed as long as it's just for now?

I'm wondering how you got so wound up in his company. I had a relationship once where the other person was so lovely and gentle but basically not really listening, and simply glossing over things I needed to talk about. I felt like I was going doolally until I realised I didn't feel like I had a voice in the relationship, and was silenced (gently but effectively) when I needed to talk. Is any of this going on for you?

Sorry if I'm miles off the mark. But generally, if you're in the company of someone who loves you and makes you happy, you'd be... well, happy.

Trippingslippingx1 · 15/03/2022 20:16

I hope you are ok @heneedsspace4

Many of us have been there - read your previous thread too

Trippingslippingx1 · 15/03/2022 20:19

@Watchkeys

I have been seeking reassurance etc. He said it’s okay as he knows it’s only temporary

How do you feel about this, @heneedsspace4? Does it feel like it's ok for you to be stressed as long as it's just for now?

Sorry if I'm miles off the mark. But generally, if you're in the company of someone who loves you and makes you happy, you'd be... well, happy.

I think you might be onto something for OP

People dont behave like that when they are truely content and happy
It is worth thinking about @heneedsspace4

Rickrollme · 15/03/2022 23:32

@ComtesseDeSpair

you DO NOT want a future with a man who is OK with his mum getting actively involved with his relationship issues.

I’ve assumed they are both young, the ex-boyfriend lives at home, and OP was visiting him there. If OP was drunk and screaming and crying and banging her head in his mum’s house then I’d rather expect her to get involved, personally. Stating that his mum was wrong to intervene and ex boyfriend isn’t a winner for not wanting to put up with aforementioned drunk, hysterical behaviour is terrible advice. Where’s the motivation for OP to stop drinking and keep on with what sounds like much-needed therapy if the implication is that a “real man” should be able to deal with it?

Umm yes, that’s why I said “It’s clear that you have your own issues to deal with before you can be in a healthy relationship.” Did you miss that part?

OP is 26 and I maintain that it doesn’t bode well for the boyfriend’s mother to make suggestions to the couple while he sits there unresponsive. It’s an unhealthy dynamic all around and both are better off moving on. If the boyfriend posted I would have framed my response differently but I find advice is more effective if it focuses on the perspective of the person asking for it.

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