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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He needs space

77 replies

heneedsspace4 · 15/03/2022 11:26

Been with my boyfriend for just under a year. Overall it’s been really lovely, we’re very compatible and get on so well. He’s so supportive and I like to think I am too. We have a great time together.

The last few months have been stressful to me and admittedly sometimes I have been seeking reassurance etc. He said it’s okay as he knows it’s only temporary and I’ve clearly taken the steps to relieve my stress, and he was always so lovely and understanding. He said it wasn’t an issue for him and he would always be there.

On Friday night we both got very drunk and I ended up getting really upset, hysterical and I don’t remember much at all but I think I was saying how much I hate myself for hurting him all the time and attempted to hit myself on the head. From what I remember, he left my house.

When we spoke on Saturday morning (my birthday!) he was initially saying he can’t do it anymore. He said in general he is happy and that it is just that scenario that he can’t get past. I was drunk and it honestly felt like an out of body experience. I explained that I would stop drinking, continue with the therapy that I’m having and it’s a huge wake up call.

His mum was in the house which was embarrassing but she came and suggested we have a few days/week to cool off. Boyfriend nodded. Boyfriend was pretty much unresponsive and he barely spoke at all. I asked him if he was splitting up with me right at the end and he said “I don’t know”. He gave me a hug after refusing to before. He just seemed so cold and emotionless.

Since Saturday morning, I’ve not heard a peep. We never spoke about it properly, we never specified the exact time frame that we would speak again. I’m finding the unpredictably so hard. Obviously I am refraining from texting him first but I am really struggling waiting for him to reach out and not knowing when it’ll be. I am hurt that I haven’t heard from him in over 3 days as I did think he would care more just to check I was okay or something.

The waiting is killing me, but I know reaching out can’t be an option. What do I do?

OP posts:
GiantHaystacks2021 · 15/03/2022 23:42

When they say they want space - it always means they're too chicken to say it's over.
End it and move on.

bluebell34567 · 16/03/2022 00:05

@GiantHaystacks2021

When they say they want space - it always means they're too chicken to say it's over. End it and move on.
or let the dust settle and then see how they feel about it?
GiantHaystacks2021 · 16/03/2022 07:15

Why would you want to be anyone's option?

What dust needs to settle? It's not Yalta.

He either wants to be with someone or not.
His actions are clearly saying that he wants out.

ClemFandango11 · 16/03/2022 07:31

Don’t know if it helps, but i was in a remarkably similar situation to your boyfriend. I was seeing a woman with an unacknowledged drug and alcohol problem.

On New Year’s Eve last year the whole thing escalated, with her being verbally abusive then tearful and sorry (while black out drunk) and me being scared witless.

I asked her for space too. I knew she’d react badly to being broken up with, and I needed to recover myself from feeling scared and anxious before I dealt with it.

I’m letting you know this, as I think the kindest thing to do for both of you is for you to recognise you need help, and send him a simple text breaking things off, so that you can focus on looking after yourself.

Then actually do that. Get therapy, meditate do yoga, develop some emotional awareness and if necessary get help for any drinking issues that might be lurking in the background- and you’ll build a different, healthy relationship when you are ready to.

ChatterMonkey · 16/03/2022 07:42

Im confused... You said in ine post you were celebrating your dp's birthday, but then said the inappropriate message was someone wishing you a happy birthday? Who's birthday was it?

girlmom21 · 16/03/2022 07:46

@ChatterMonkey

Im confused... You said in ine post you were celebrating your dp's birthday, but then said the inappropriate message was someone wishing you a happy birthday? Who's birthday was it?
They were having belated drinks for his birthday on Friday then it was hers on Saturday.
ladydimitrescu · 16/03/2022 08:04

He's done the right thing for him op, it's all very intense and whilst your are unwell, it must be scary for him. Your behaviour in the other thread as well, it's obviously far too much for him, and that is absolutely his right to decide.
You need to work on yourself to be better before you can be in a relationship.
Please leave him be, and work on yourself. Thanks

RantyAunty · 16/03/2022 08:09

I believe you just need to leave him be.

As PPs have mentioned, seek treatment if you haven't already.
The things you have are very treatable. I know. I have OCD/Anxiety/ADHD. I was in a mess in different ways, but still a mess.

Original poster
heneedsspace4 · 16/03/2022 08:28

I just can’t deal with the feelings of guilt, my heart rate is constantly a million miles an hour. I think back to what I can remember (not much) and I just feel so ashamed and feel so sorry for my ex. I really feel so bad for him as I remember all the lovely things he always did for me and how supportive it was and i guess I threw it back in his face.
I haven’t heard from him so I guess that’s it

OP posts:
duacheapa · 16/03/2022 10:27

OP, I really relate to what you've just said. Those feelings of 'guilt' now you're out the other side.
Please go to your doctor re. your heart rate, you should not be feeling like this. Sounds very much like you're suffering badly with anxiety (at the least).
I lost someone I loved very, very much due to being mentally ill. 18 months on, and I still feel the guilt and shame as you describe. Though my situation wasn't entirely the same, I can assure I know exactly how you are feeling.
My suggestion would be to respect his boundary, and let him have 'space'. Once you're feeling a little more in control, (and you haven't heard from him before then) an apology message for your behaviour and acknowledgment of where you are now, and appreciation for the support he did provide, l think would be helpful to you both in the long run.

But don't have expectations. You have reached the bottom, now take this as a turning point, and claw your way back up.

I wish every day that I could say sorry for what I did. My chance to do that is long gone, please don't miss yours.

Original poster
heneedsspace4 · 16/03/2022 11:03

I think you’re right. It’s hard to know whether to give him space or to apologise and make up for it because after all it was me in the wrong.
I think I will leave it until maybe Friday evening, and send a message apologising, what I’ve realised/will do to change, and to suggest meeting up to talk no matter the outcome?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 16/03/2022 11:04

I don't think you should meet up to talk 'regardless of the outcome'. If he doesn't want to reconcile asking to meet up is putting more pressure on him to change his mind. If he says he's done you'll have to respect that.

Original poster
heneedsspace4 · 16/03/2022 11:10

But at the end he said he didn’t know and that he needed space. When his mum suggested we take the week to have space and discuss after, he nodded. Fair enough I’ve not heard from him since but that’s as far as I knew

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 16/03/2022 11:13

Sorry I mean if you message on Friday and he says he wants to end the relationship. You obviously will want it to be confirmed by him one way or another, not by his mom

ladydimitrescu · 16/03/2022 13:19

Let him contact you first op, don't message him. Respect his wishes for space.

bluebell34567 · 16/03/2022 13:33

@ladydimitrescu

Let him contact you first op, don't message him. Respect his wishes for space.
agree.
Original poster
heneedsspace4 · 16/03/2022 13:52

Guys, he’s just texted asking if he can call me after work…. Very strange

OP posts:
Original poster
heneedsspace4 · 16/03/2022 14:16

Obviously preparing for the worst and I’m making sure I will not get emotional and take the hit with some dignity

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 16/03/2022 14:20

At least you'll know where you stand.

Good luck!

Original poster
heneedsspace4 · 16/03/2022 14:23

Thanks. It’ll be good to finally have clarity so I can start to heal

OP posts:
ladydimitrescu · 16/03/2022 15:29

Best of luck Thanks

Original poster
heneedsspace4 · 16/03/2022 16:05

Thanks so much.
I don’t think it’s good news as I said it may be best in person (I’d rather not be broken up with on the phone). He said okay, and agreed, but said he was just worried about us driving.
Which makes me think we will both be very upset with the outcome

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/03/2022 16:59

You've not been together even a year, don't live together and there's all this drama.

He's obviously going to end it hence not wanting you to drive as you'll be upset,

To be completely honest I think it could be for the best to have the conversation over the phone, because last time things got emotional you were shouting and trying to hit yourself around the head (I second a PP who tried to explain how genuinely scary and unsettling a thing that is to witness) and I worry that you aren't going to accept his decision and will instead try to persuade him to change his mind.

And while you may not consciously want to be manipulative, I think there is an element of manipulation in the relationship due to insecurity and immaturity and I worry you'd perhaps say you don't feel safe to drive home in order to pressure him into letting you stay etc as you'll want to change his mind.

Like I say, I really think it could be best for you to have this conversation over the phone for both your sakes. Then you can both deal with the upset of the break up separately and as healthily as possible.

dontwatchthat · 16/03/2022 17:51

I really hope this comes across the way I mean it. Please take it as from someone who understands and means well

The problem with having anxiety etc is it can really focus everything on you. It's inherently selfish because you're only thinking of what can make YOU better and how to stop YOUR pain/fear.

I don't think you're a selfish person. But anxiety can do this to everyone.

You're thinking about what your needs are. And what you want. And I think a pp is correct there may be some subliminal manipulation to get what you want. Regardless of whether it's the right/best thing for your partner.

This is why I was saying to step back. Sort yourself out first. Because then you can give him what he needs too instead of it being all about what you need.

I hope that makes sense! In my head it did... but I really worried about your meeting up to talk 'whatever the outcome' because if you split up you split up. You have to let go. There's a sense you'd try to persuade him. And that's in no one's best interests.

Take care

Original poster
heneedsspace4 · 16/03/2022 20:30

Hi all.
I took everything you all said on board. We met up and he was apologetic, keen to sort things out if we took a step back.
Part of me felt so happy but I decided that I care about both our wellbeings. And I said right now, I don’t think I’m in the right place and I also want the best for him and, right now, that isn’t me. So I made the decision to end it myself. I said when I’m in a better space the door is open.
Hardest decision I’ve ever made and I’m in tears, but I think it was for the best

OP posts: