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Original poster

AIBU - first anniversary

85 replies

tinseltits21 · 13/03/2022 16:55

Interested to hear your thoughts on this.

It's my (F31) and my boyfriend's (M32) first anniversary next month. I know these things generally aren't as important to men as they are to women, but I have reminded him a number of times of the date so that we could do something to celebrate. It turns out he has actually booked a meal with friends on the date of our anniversary and hadn't realised. When I told him, he asked 'what do you want me to do?'

AIBU for being pissed off that a) he forgot and booked a meal with his friends and b) then asked what he should do ie should he cancel the meal with his friends? He can literally go for a meal with his friends anytime, our anniversary is one day of the year and he knows it's important to me.

I have a history of being in relationships where the man doesn't value me so this is kind of triggering for me. Surely if he valued the relationship he'd remember the date, and even if he had a bad memory I've been reminding him of the date and yet he still doesn't seem to care. He has now offered to change the date he sees his friends but it feels like he's only doing that out of obligation and not because he wants to celebrate our anniversary so it feels tainted.

I just don't want to be in a relationship where I am not valued or appreciated.

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 13/03/2022 17:04

If I'm honest op...this wpuld not sit well with me at all. Like, to the point where potentially I would be walking away. You made it clear it eas important to you and not only did he make no effort...he even booked that day with other people. And when he realises his mistake, instead of apologising and proposing a remedy he has almost made you feel like you are the bad guy. All of that is just shitty. And at one year in...is it even worth staying?

Arguably, things maybe hinge on how he has been up till now. Is he normally good at making you feel loved, valued and secure? Does he follow through on his word usually?

And...just a concern- is it possible he did know it was that day but booked it with his mates just to spite you?(hope not) Has he any past form for running things you were looking forwards to?

Its really not good either way op. But there may be some wiggle room if it is completely out of character for him to be so thoughtless.

Pinkbonbon · 13/03/2022 17:05

*ruining not running

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/03/2022 17:09

He sounds like the latest bf who does not value you in a relationship. But why have you chosen such a type again?. You need to work that out.

If this is what it’s like a mere year in its not going to improve.

Pinkbonbon · 13/03/2022 17:09

Also, some people may say you are over reacting if it is just an early anniversary. But the fact is, it was something that was important to you and you made it clear it was important to you. And at best, he still forgot it and is now making it seem like you didn't have the right to want it as opposed to apologising, taking responsibility and fixing it. At worst, he deliberately planned something else that day.

Shoxfordian · 13/03/2022 17:22

He’s making no effort when you’ve made it clear that it matters to you, don’t bother having another anniversary with him

DuesToTheDirt · 13/03/2022 17:29

He's a boyfriend, not a husband. What is it the anniversary of? Your first date? Sorry but I think that's not an important thing to celebrate.

lanbro · 13/03/2022 17:32

@DuesToTheDirt it doesn't matter whether you think it's important, it matters that the OP made it clear to her BF that it is important to her

Whatdramain2022 · 13/03/2022 17:36

@DuesToTheDirt

He's a boyfriend, not a husband. What is it the anniversary of? Your first date? Sorry but I think that's not an important thing to celebrate.

My thoughts exactly. You celebrate a wedding anniversary.

ImInStealthMode · 13/03/2022 17:43

I don't think he's unreasonable not to think it's a big deal, but he's mean not to acknowledge that it is for you.

My DP puts more emphasis on anniversaries and special dates than I do, but I go along with it because he likes it. Last year the anniversary of the date we met was on a Monday so we went out over the weekend for a posher meal than we'd usually do.

This year we're getting married so from my POV we'll stop marking the date we met, and celebrate on our wedding anniversary instead.

Pinkbonbon · 13/03/2022 17:43

Listen, my boyfriend could tell me that celebrating his dogs birthday was important to him. And that in 4 weeks time I had to keep the afternoon free to buy the dog a little doggy cake and put on party hats and we'd all sing happy birthday Fido.

I might think that is absolutely batshit. But it's important to my bf, he gave me plenty of notice, it's a fun thing to do and its not hurting anyone. And I love my boyfriend. So why wouldn't I do it?

And what op is asking for might not be something you would want or expect. But it's not on 'dog birthday party' mental level lol. Its not a big ask. He should have done it for her, even if he found it weird. Because it was important to her. And that's what people who live eachother do.

Walkingalot · 13/03/2022 17:47

If you want to stay with him, then absolutely tell him that you'd like him to cancel the meal with his friends and take you out instead.

He should have said Oh god, so sorry, totally forgot it's our anniverary. I'll cancel'. Not, 'what do you want me to do?'.
Without knowing your back story, only you know if he's worth actually celebrating a year with!

Peachy7 · 13/03/2022 17:50

I do wonder why it's always down to the man?! If you wanted to go for a meal you could have booked it then told him you had.

RoyKentsChestHair · 13/03/2022 18:01

Well said Pinkbonbon - it was either thoughtless or deliberately cruel to book a night out with someone else on the date you’d told him was important to you OP. Is this a symptom of a bigger issue in your relationship, in which case you need a serious chat about expectations etc or is it a blip that’s making you feel badly due to previous boyfriends? In which case you need to maybe look into some therapy and also talk about expectations! Either way, someone who cares about you should care about what makes you happy and sad.

Fuzzyhippo · 13/03/2022 18:10

Don't even remember what month me and my partner met, I don't even remember what day his birthday is. And it's been almost 6 years

Chloemol · 13/03/2022 18:10

I would have a quiet word and tell him that you have mentioned the date numerous times, that he is aware it’s important to you and he has taken no notice, then offers to change the date instead of insisting he will change the date and apologises

How does he think that makes you feel? And wait for an answer

Then depending on what he says depends if he gets one more chance, ie cancels the meal, celebrates with you and remembers all other anniversaries, or it would be bye bye

Kite22 · 13/03/2022 19:27

YABVU IMO, but, if it bothers you then it bothers you.

Most people wouldn't celebrate the anniversary of starting to go out with one another. Which date do you celebrate? When you first met, or swiped if on line? when you were 'talking' ? when you agreed you were in a 'relationship' ? When you went for a meal? what exactly ?

It isn't important to me, but I understand there is a date when you publicly stood up and promised yourselves to be with one another if you were talking about a wedding anniversary.

If you don't want to be in the relationship, then say so, and leave.

I think for most people, what their partner is like on a daily basis is far more important than if they think a sort of made up anniversary is important or not.

Bookworm20 · 13/03/2022 23:09

The fact it was important to you, that should be enough.
Ok, so maybe it’s not such a big deal to him and he forgot? But when you pointed out the date was when he’d booked to have a meal with friends his reaction wasn’t great tbh. He knew it was important to you, you’d made that clear. I’d expect him to have said something like ‘oh shit, of course, I’ll rearrange my friends.’
Not asking you what you want him to do.

I think you need to tell him to do what HE wants to do.
If he goes out with his friends still I’d be binning him, sorry.
If he goes out with you and acts like it’s silly to be celebrating or makes you feel like he’d rather be with his friends, bin him.

I think after his reaction to double booking, he should be doing something to make sure you know how special you are to him. If he doesn’t, then it sounds like he doesn’t care that much, I’m sorry.

colouringindoors · 13/03/2022 23:49

YANBU op.

1st year anniversary is a thing! Does he genuinely not realise this?! If he's just being dismissive then I'd really question if this is a good guy to be in a relationship with.

Derelicthome · 14/03/2022 00:56

Yes have him change the date with friends.
Your first anniversary will set the expectation and standard for how anniversary’s are celebrated going forward.

Hiddenvoice · 14/03/2022 00:57

I think a first anniversary is a big deal. You’ve reminded him of the date and he’s booked something else. I wouldn’t make him change it but would of been nicer if he suggested doing something special another day. I know it’s not your anniversary but you’d still get to celebrate it.
Up to you how you want to go with this. I’d probably be honest and say you’re a bit upset about it mainly because you told him a few times and you were hoping tk arrange something together. See what he says and then try arrange a special day for another time?

Aquamarine1029 · 14/03/2022 01:06

@DuesToTheDirt

He's a boyfriend, not a husband. What is it the anniversary of? Your first date? Sorry but I think that's not an important thing to celebrate.

What you think is irrelevant. The op has told her boyfriend several times that their anniversary of their first date is important to her. When you truly care about someone you acknowledge a very simple ask such as this. He could go out with his friends anytime.

BottleBrushTree · 14/03/2022 01:36

I’m like your BF, those type of dates don’t matter to me and I’d find it a bit trying if my partner was hell bent on celebrating the sh*t out of them because I find the idea a bit eye rolling. HOWEVER if it was important to my partner I’d go along with it so I don’t think you are being unreasonable. But the posters who are telling you to practically LTB because he’s been thoughtless are a bit over the top. You’ve only been together a year and are still learning about each other’s communication styles and how to demonstrate how you feel valued by each other. Time for another chat.

FuckIDunno · 14/03/2022 02:01

My thoughts exactly. You celebrate a wedding anniversary

Who died and made you the boss of what other people celebrate? 🤣

Some people, honestly.

gonnascreamsoon · 14/03/2022 07:02

Bottom line is, you told him about something important to YOU.

You reminded him several times of the date of that important thing.

He didn't care enough to even remember.

When he finally realised he'd arranged to see friends on that important date, he asked YOU what you wanted him to do.

So, he isn't bothered about things that are important to YOU, so he really ISN'T a 'loving' or 'caring' partner, is he ?

It doesn't matter what the important date was about, it's just important that YOU cared enough about it to want to 'celebrate' it with him !

He'll only EVER care about what's important to HIM.
Your wants/needs/worries/desires/hopes/dreams etc will NEVER be important to HIM, and he'll always accuse you of 'overreacting' etc when you call him up on it.

He's NOT a keeper OP.

RantyAunty · 14/03/2022 09:04

What as he like at Christmas and New Year's?

You mentioned him saying he doesn't see things working out a few times.
He might want out but too cowardly to do it so he'll do thoughtless things until your end it.

If he's like this now, it won't get in better.

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