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Original poster

AIBU - first anniversary

85 replies

tinseltits21 · 13/03/2022 16:55

Interested to hear your thoughts on this.

It's my (F31) and my boyfriend's (M32) first anniversary next month. I know these things generally aren't as important to men as they are to women, but I have reminded him a number of times of the date so that we could do something to celebrate. It turns out he has actually booked a meal with friends on the date of our anniversary and hadn't realised. When I told him, he asked 'what do you want me to do?'

AIBU for being pissed off that a) he forgot and booked a meal with his friends and b) then asked what he should do ie should he cancel the meal with his friends? He can literally go for a meal with his friends anytime, our anniversary is one day of the year and he knows it's important to me.

I have a history of being in relationships where the man doesn't value me so this is kind of triggering for me. Surely if he valued the relationship he'd remember the date, and even if he had a bad memory I've been reminding him of the date and yet he still doesn't seem to care. He has now offered to change the date he sees his friends but it feels like he's only doing that out of obligation and not because he wants to celebrate our anniversary so it feels tainted.

I just don't want to be in a relationship where I am not valued or appreciated.

OP posts:
99pronouns · 14/03/2022 23:34

Everyone bickering on this thread doesn't get away from the fact op is hurt.
She's reminded him several times so it's obviously something she wants to celebrate.
He for whatever reason chose to book a night out with his mates instead.

I think you're incompatible and you should move him on.
There will be someone who wants the same things that you do, and at your age I wouldn't waste time with someone who wasn't interested in me (immaterial if you want kids or not).

All the best op, whatever you decide

Derelicthome · 15/03/2022 08:25

The reason the OP doesn’t want to book the restaurant herself goes to the heart of a woman’s desire, and that’s to be desired and treated like they are wanted.
Same reason I wanted to be proposed to rather than propose. Same reason woman wait for the man to ask them on a date.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. Just the way a lot of us are wired/ socially conditioned.

skeptile · 15/03/2022 08:26

I consider the date DH and I first met (for dinner, we'd been set up by a mutual friend) to be our true anniversary. Same for him. We always celebrate it - not so much our wedding date, which I sometimes forget...

But if it's important to DH, I will make an effort. And vice versa.

TristesseDurera · 15/03/2022 08:35

@Derelicthome

The reason the OP doesn’t want to book the restaurant herself goes to the heart of a woman’s desire, and that’s to be desired and treated like they are wanted. Same reason I wanted to be proposed to rather than propose. Same reason woman wait for the man to ask them on a date. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. Just the way a lot of us are wired/ socially conditioned.
Please don't talk about "a woman's desire" in that way as if it applies to all of us. We haven't all bought in to the Princess myth.
needingpeace · 15/03/2022 08:43

Deal breaker

Derelicthome · 15/03/2022 08:52

Was poorly worded and cringe and yes of course it doesn’t apply to every single woman.
So apologies for that.

ravenmum · 15/03/2022 08:56

@skeptile

I consider the date DH and I first met (for dinner, we'd been set up by a mutual friend) to be our true anniversary. Same for him. We always celebrate it - not so much our wedding date, which I sometimes forget...

But if it's important to DH, I will make an effort. And vice versa.

My exh and I were together 5 years before we got married. Our anniversary was the day of our first date, a rather eventful day out. I can still remember many details of that day, and I can't help but think of our old anniversary when I see the date, even now we've been divorced for years!

People celebrate all kinds of things, don't they.

Kite22 · 15/03/2022 20:29

Have I just been unlucky recently, or are more and more posters asking a question / starting a thread and then never coming back to the thread at the moment ?

If posters are going to the trouble to offer you answers, you could at least engage with them.

Original poster
tinseltits21 · 16/03/2022 01:09

Thank you for all the responses. To those who have asked why I haven't booked anything, it is because the date is still four weeks away and I wanted to have a discussion with him about where we would go so it would be a joint decision.

I had a conversation with him and he admitted that he is pretty terrible with dates (he is) and that he got mixed up - he thought our anniversary was the day before which kind of makes sense as that date is the date of my birthday although a different month so I can see how the mix up occurred. He was also of the opinion that we could celebrate not on the day itself which, now that I've had some time to consider things and not react so emotionally, is not unreasonable eg we celebrated Valentine's Day on the 12th as it was a Saturday rather than the 14th which was the Monday and less convenient. He has rearranged his friends without a fuss although we are yet to make concrete arrangements for the anniversary - I am a bit wary of mentioning it in case I seem like a nag.

Thank you for all your thoughts, it's very interesting to see how different people regard anniversaries and has given me some perspective on the issue.

OP posts:
InTheNightWeWillWish · 16/03/2022 01:54

I have reminded him a number of times of the date so that we could do something to celebrate

I am a bit wary of mentioning it in case I seem like a nag

It seems like the main issue is that the anniversary is important to you but you aren’t necessarily communicating that to your partner for fear of being a “nag”. Saying the anniversary is coming up but with no further discussion could mean any number of things. For example - Easter is coming up, that could mean:

  • Easter is coming up… I need to buy Easter eggs for my friends kids/nieces & nephews
  • Easter is coming up… four day weekend, hope the weather is nice
One statement requires action, the other is just an observation. It sounds like you think “our anniversary is coming up” has the action of celebrating on that day together implied, your boyfriend seems to think you’re stating an observation.

Here’s the thing, if you want something, communicate it. Say it once but say it clearly - I would like to do something on our anniversary to celebrate, it’s important to me. Don’t worry about being a nag. If you stating what you want makes him think you’re a nag, then he’ll end the relationship. If, after you’ve clearly expressed what you want, you have to repeat yourself several times or he doesn’t do something then end the relationship. There’s no point trying to mask these things, hide them away because if either of you feel that way, the relationship is going to end. It might as well end sooner rather than later as your lives become more entangled. Don’t force down what you want just for fear of being a “nag”. Women are allowed to ask for what they want but it needs to be clear, not hinting or making half statements and assuming the other person will get the hint. So if you want him to arrange something, either because it’s romantic to you, you think it shows he’s putting in the effort or because you do all the admin of the relationship, tell him. If you want a present or flowers, tell him.

TristesseDurera · 16/03/2022 07:37

So you did make him cancel meeting his friends even after agreeing you could celebrate on a different day?

girlmom21 · 16/03/2022 07:45

@TristesseDurera

So you did make him cancel meeting his friends even after agreeing you could celebrate on a different day?
Where does it say she made him?
TristesseDurera · 16/03/2022 07:47

@girlmom21 she doesn't use those words. She said He has rearranged his friends without a fuss . Not "he offered to rearrange meeting his friends but I said of course not, you've all made plans already, we can celebrate another day".

TristesseDurera · 16/03/2022 07:49

@girlmom21 it's also pretty clear what happened if you read between the lines here

He was also of the opinion that we could celebrate not on the day itself which, now that I've had some time to consider things and not react so emotionally, is not unreasonable

girlmom21 · 16/03/2022 07:51

[quote TristesseDurera]@girlmom21 it's also pretty clear what happened if you read between the lines here

He was also of the opinion that we could celebrate not on the day itself which, now that I've had some time to consider things and not react so emotionally, is not unreasonable[/quote]
Or she saw his point of view and he saw hers so he rearranged his meal anyway.

TristesseDurera · 16/03/2022 07:54

No. There is nothing to suggest that. It's clear she did not accept his very reasonable suggestion and "reacted very emotionally" so he had no option but to cancel his plans with friends.

There is no real justification for insisting on celebrating on the exact day even on actual anniversaries, birthdays etc. Let alone randomly chosen ones.

gannett · 16/03/2022 08:02

I am a bit wary of mentioning it in case I seem like a nag

I agree with @InTheNightWeWillWish - you shouldn't pussyfoot about mentioning it but you should communicate clearly.

Saying what you want to happen and saying it directly isn't nagging, and you should only need to do it once or twice (allowing for absent-mindedness).

However communicating via hints and expecting people to know exactly what you want via telepathy is both annoying and ineffective (not saying you did this, just a general statement).

Consider investing in a wall calendar that you can both note plans down on! DP and I are both terrible with dates and accidental double-booking, this was a game-changer. (Yes you can do a shared Google calendar too but I found the physical thing was much more effective.)

ravenmum · 16/03/2022 09:28

You will only "seem like a nag" if he believes that women asking for things are "nags". If you feel like a nag, and he's the one making you feel that way, you need to start thinking about whether another anniversary is on the cards.

MichelleScarn · 16/03/2022 09:33

. He has rearranged his friends without a fuss although we are yet to make concrete arrangements for the anniversary - I am a bit wary of mentioning it in case I seem like a nag.

So you plan something and make arrangements!! He's cancelled his friends for you, so you make the plans for anniversary, or are you expecting him to do all the planning still?

AskItaliano · 16/03/2022 16:32

Looooool at the number of people on here falling over themselves to try express how cool and above silly things like dating anniversaries they are, hope you didn't knock your drinks onto the keyboard in your rush to get your point made 😂😂😂

Totalwasteofpaper · 16/03/2022 16:39

@Pinkbonbon

Listen, my boyfriend could tell me that celebrating his dogs birthday was important to him. And that in 4 weeks time I had to keep the afternoon free to buy the dog a little doggy cake and put on party hats and we'd all sing happy birthday Fido.

I might think that is absolutely batshit. But it's important to my bf, he gave me plenty of notice, it's a fun thing to do and its not hurting anyone. And I love my boyfriend. So why wouldn't I do it?

And what op is asking for might not be something you would want or expect. But it's not on 'dog birthday party' mental level lol. Its not a big ask. He should have done it for her, even if he found it weird. Because it was important to her. And that's what people who live eachother do.

Yep this.

I'd be very seriously reconsidering the relationship.

The real fuck you is the "what should I do? / you tell me what to do"
You aren't his line manager or his mother.
He also presumably doesn't have special needs so he can actually make a call on it himself but no.... you have to Tell Him (even though you already fucking told him)

SummerBluez · 16/03/2022 16:43

Some people on here are ridiculous.

I married my husband six months ago after thirteen years together. Do those thirteen years before cease to exist and we've now only been together a few months?

An anniversary can be for anything, not just a wedding.

AskItaliano · 16/03/2022 16:48

@SummerBluez

Some people on here are ridiculous.

I married my husband six months ago after thirteen years together. Do those thirteen years before cease to exist and we've now only been together a few months?

An anniversary can be for anything, not just a wedding.

Of course they do!

Haha, irl I don't know a single unmarried couple that doesn't celebrate their anniversary, whether it's the first time they met, kissed, went on a date, whatever is meaningful to them. People really get off on seeing who can be the most unbothered by regular social norms, it's the equivalent to shitting on popular culture because it's popular.

Original poster
tinseltits21 · 16/03/2022 17:30

@TristesseDurera not sure why you have come to that conclusion - he rearranged without me asking him to and he hasn't made a big deal out of it.

To everyone saying I need to be more explicit about what I would like to do for our anniversary, I think you are right - he's not a mind reader. Thank you for the guidance

OP posts:
Eightiesfan · 16/03/2022 20:08

It wouldn’t bother me, but then these ‘date’ related celebrations go right over my head and to be honest, I have no idea when I started dating DP so have no idea when our ‘anniversary’ would be and we’ve been together for over 20 years. However, these milestones are clearly important to you and therefore should be important to your DP. You are not unreasonable to expect him to rearrange his night out with his friends.

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