Page 2 | AIBU - first anniversary

ravenmum · 14/03/2022 09:51

I have reminded him a number of times of the date so that we could do something to celebrate. It turns out he has actually booked a meal with friends on the date of our anniversary and hadn't realised. When I told him, he asked 'what do you want me to do?
Hm, I could definitely imagine my bf telling me about a date he wanted to do something, and me remembering the thing, but not remembering the date, and accidentally agreeing to another event on that date.
But, then, if I told me bf about that event and he said "But that's the date I wanted to do X!", then I'd feel bad about it, apologise, try to come up with a solution on my own. His reaction sounds quite defensive? Or as if he's making out you are a diva or a nag? That would be a major turnoff to me.

gannett · 14/03/2022 10:19

Is this a pattern in the relationship or not? Does he make you feel valued and appreciated on a daily basis? If not, and if this anniversary thing is the tip of the iceberg or illustrative of what he's like generally, it doesn't sound like a great relationship and you're better off out of it. If it's out of character or a one-off, it wouldn't be a huge deal to me.

Having said that I'm not into celebrating anniversaries, rarely celebrate important dates on the day itself, and am absent-minded about dates and plans generally. If I wanted to celebrate an anniversary I wouldn't keep reminding DP about the date, I'd ask if he had plans and if not, get on with booking something myself rather than waiting. And if DP kept mentioning a date and vaguely hinting about maybe doing something, but didn't follow through on that, I'd probably assume it wasn't happening and accept a different invite on the same date.

If he'd double-booked a date I wanted to go out with him I would just say "oh we can do it the next day/week/whatever, are you free then".

MichelleScarn · 14/03/2022 10:26

@Peachy7

I do wonder why it's always down to the man?! If you wanted to go for a meal you could have booked it then told him you had.

Why didn't you book something? Maybe he was thinking if it's that important she'll book something and tell me? It seems there's loads of post recently with woman not explicitily saying 'I want you to do all the booking of things and spending of money on me' then getting really upset when the partner does spend all the money and taking out!

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 14/03/2022 10:28

I think it depends what he is like the rest if the time tbh.

If he is usually loving and attentive and fucked up this one time then I think other people have cut you and you're bleeding over him.

If he makes you feel undervalued and worthless then just cut your losses and move on.

He has offered to change the date of his meal now and you still think the anniversary is tainted so what could he do to fix it now?

TristesseDurera · 14/03/2022 10:34

What is it the anniversary of? I struggle to remember the date I got married. I have no idea at all of any other relationship-related dates nor indeed which one would be considered important.

Mumdiva99 · 14/03/2022 10:41

Did you specifically say 'It's our 1 year anniversary on X date. Shall we go for a meal together to celebrate?' Because anything less would be too subtle for most men to pick up on.

girlmom21 · 14/03/2022 10:42

He should've said "oh sorry I didn't realise the date - I'll rearrange". Anything other than that it'll be your 'fault' he's not out with his friends. He probably won't blame you but you'll feel guilty and feel like you have to make extra effort to make the night worth missing out on his friends meal for.

You need to decide whether this is your hill.

ravenmum · 14/03/2022 10:46

Why didn't you book something?
The anniversary is next month. I don't think it's odd to just "save the date" this far ahead.

TristesseDurera · 14/03/2022 11:08

@tinseltits21

Interested to hear your thoughts on this.

It's my (F31) and my boyfriend's (M32) first anniversary next month. I know these things generally aren't as important to men as they are to women, but I have reminded him a number of times of the date so that we could do something to celebrate. It turns out he has actually booked a meal with friends on the date of our anniversary and hadn't realised. When I told him, he asked 'what do you want me to do?'

AIBU for being pissed off that a) he forgot and booked a meal with his friends and b) then asked what he should do ie should he cancel the meal with his friends? He can literally go for a meal with his friends anytime, our anniversary is one day of the year and he knows it's important to me.

I have a history of being in relationships where the man doesn't value me so this is kind of triggering for me. Surely if he valued the relationship he'd remember the date, and even if he had a bad memory I've been reminding him of the date and yet he still doesn't seem to care. He has now offered to change the date he sees his friends but it feels like he's only doing that out of obligation and not because he wants to celebrate our anniversary so it feels tainted.

I just don't want to be in a relationship where I am not valued or appreciated.

To answer your question:

Yes, I think you are being unreasonable. I don't see why he should cancel the get together with his friends which is already organised and booked. There is no reason you can't celebrate on a different day.

MichelleScarn · 14/03/2022 11:49

@ravenmum

Why didn't you book something? The anniversary is next month. I don't think it's odd to just "save the date" this far ahead.

I think what people (well I am) are meaning is if its that important to op, why hasn't she booked the table for dinner, rather than the ambiguity of mentioning the anniversary is coming up? Why's that not 'a sign' that she's not interested or committed enough?

GinniMcGinface · 14/03/2022 11:57

When my children were little, I 'moved' their birthdays to the weekend so we could have a special day. They didn't mind.
What's the harm in making plans for a different day/night instead? If my birthday fell on a Wednesday, I'd quite happily make plans and celebrate it on the closest weekend. If he doesn't want to celebrate it at all, then maybe review the relationship, but I wouldn't chuck it all away because he made other plans.

ravenmum · 14/03/2022 12:07

I think what people (well I am) are meaning is if its that important to op, why hasn't she booked the table for dinner, rather than the ambiguity of mentioning the anniversary is coming up? Why's that not 'a sign' that she's not interested or committed enough?
I just meant that she has probably not booked it because it's at least 2 weeks from now. She has, however, kept her diary free on that day. That's all she was asking her bf to do, too. She wasn't expecting him to book anything.

MichelleScarn · 14/03/2022 13:22

@ravenmum ah yes, that makes sense!

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 14/03/2022 14:05

For me, anniversaries are something you celebrate when you're married, and I say this as one half of a couple that have been together 15 years and never bothered marrying.

It would never have crossed my mind to celebrate the 1st anniversary of being boyfriend / girlfriend. I mean, I don't even know what date I'd celebrate. The first time we copped off in Jumpin' Jaks? The first date? First time she came back to mine? First time we said "I love you"? (We'd had a kid by the time of the last one, so maybe not that one)

It may not have been important to him, so I think it comes down to whether he knew it was important to you. You say you mentioned the date to him, was it a passing "Oh, it's been a year since we got together on xx of xxxxxx", or was it a specific "It's our anniverary on xxxx, I want us to do something together to celebrate it"

I think anything less than the latter then he's off the hook, even a ""It's our anniverary on xxxx, it'd be nice to do something" gives him some wiggle room, as you've not actually communicated to him that it's important to you.

girlmom21 · 14/03/2022 16:02

@GinniMcGinface

When my children were little, I 'moved' their birthdays to the weekend so we could have a special day. They didn't mind. What's the harm in making plans for a different day/night instead? If my birthday fell on a Wednesday, I'd quite happily make plans and celebrate it on the closest weekend. If he doesn't want to celebrate it at all, then maybe review the relationship, but I wouldn't chuck it all away because he made other plans.

But at the same time, of all the dates in the year, did he have to pick the one date she'd explicitly said she wanted to do something?

Kite22 · 14/03/2022 16:09

What you think is irrelevant. The op has told her boyfriend several times that their anniversary of their first date is important to her. When you truly care about someone you acknowledge a very simple ask such as this

....but not booked anything. For all we know, this has been a "Do you know we'll have been seeing each other for a year, next month" type conversation. OP hasn't said she said "I want to go out on the 6th so can you keep it free" as far as we are aware.

I like to celebrate my birthday, but we go out 'at some point around my birthday when there isn't anything on that evening'. It doesn't have to be on the actual day. Quite possibly I am not the only person with this way of thinking.

He could go out with his friends anytime.
Again - you don't know that. It might be someone is only in town for 2 nights. Or someone works shifts. Or between them they have commitments that can't be moveable on all days but this one. I don't know, and nor do you, but it is generally easier for a couple without dc to find a night between them to meet up, than 4 people from 4 different households to find a mutually convenient date.

SauceGirl · 14/03/2022 16:14

Why didn't you book something if you were that bothered? I'd agree to letting him go - you sound like hard work.

Maybebaby8 · 14/03/2022 18:22

As much as others day it's not a wedding anniversary, does that mean people who don't get married can't celebrate their time together? Seems a bit strange.

Anyway this wouldn't sit well for me, we don't get gifts or cards but we will maybe go for a little meal or get a take away, just an acknowledgement that we've made it this far lol but yeah I would be pissed off, that he's offered no solution. Not even an ok let's do it the following day if he still wanted to go out with his friend's.

Figgyboa · 14/03/2022 19:12

@colouringindoors

YANBU op.

1st year anniversary is a thing! Does he genuinely not realise this?! If he's just being dismissive then I'd really question if this is a good guy to be in a relationship with.

If its a thing, what exactly do you calculate the 1 year on? When you first met? When you started dating exclusively? First kiss? YABU.

colouringindoors · 14/03/2022 20:36

Figgyboa whenever she bloomin well likes!

inheritancetrack · 14/03/2022 20:38

@DuesToTheDirt

He's a boyfriend, not a husband. What is it the anniversary of? Your first date? Sorry but I think that's not an important thing to celebrate.

ditto

PinkSyCo · 14/03/2022 20:51

I don’t blame you for being upset OP. You’re still in the ‘honeymoon’ stage of your relationship and the first anniversary of meeting is quite special I think. Even if some people think not, you made it quite clear to your bf it was important to you by keep reminding him and I find it quite odd that he ‘forgot’. Is he usually quite attentive and loving or does he have form for being dismissive of your needs.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/03/2022 21:15

You celebrate a wedding. Something concrete. Not this made-up nonsense.

Do you want an anniversary present for the first time you changed a loo roll together? Bought some petrol? Went to the pub?

It obviously means a lot to you but I'm not even sure what the anniversary is of. Poor bloke probably hasn't a clue either if you're expecting him to guess. He has invited you out with his friends for dinner. Is that not enough? Obviously not.

MichelleScarn · 14/03/2022 21:24

@colouringindoors

Figgyboa whenever she bloomin well likes!

And does the dp get a say?

Kite22 · 14/03/2022 22:32

@colouringindoors

Figgyboa whenever she bloomin well likes!

Of course anyone can celebrate any anniversary of anything they like - including the suggestions that GreenFingersWouldBeHandy makes, but it isn't cultural or societal norm so to do - so it seems that the OP's dp is like most of us on this thread, who don't consider any of those things particularly significant, and don't want to celebrate the first date / hand hold / kiss / meal / text / conversation / face to face meeting or any one of a dozen different things that might constitute the first something, for anyone. Any 2 people can decide something is really important to them, of course, but it seems like only one of the 2 is, in this case.