My DH and I feel isolated

[PenvelopewithaP]

I’ll start off by saying that my husband and I are very very fortunate in many ways- we love each other a lot and have a very supportive relationship. He is my best friend. We also have two beautiful, funny DCs, jobs and a nice home. Considering what others are going through at the moment, our problems will seem trivial. But we are not happy and so incredibly frustrated, and I don’t know what to do about it.

We moved from London (couldn’t afford it) to another city 7 years ago to start a family. But 7 years later, we still find ourselves pretty isolated and lonely. We’ve been really unlucky with making friends. We were really good friends with one couple, but they divorced acrimoniously and both moved away. Another couple we were friends with moved abroad.

I made a few mum friends when I had my first DC, but as nice as they are, I can’t say I’m completely myself around them and I wouldn’t say I have a really good laugh with them. It’s all very polite and we mainly talk about our kids, schools etc. My husband has tried to befriend their husbands, but they are not interested. A lot of people grew up here or went to uni here and stayed, so have ready-made friendship groups or family around and the men in particular don’t really seem interested in making new friends. My husband has really tried and it breaks my heart to see him watching a big football match at home on his own, when I know he’d love to be out watching it with a pint and a group of mates. He is self-employed so doesn’t have work colleagues to hang out with either.

We have no family around (and they don’t really help with the kids when we do see them) and our lives are just a constant tag-team of work and childcare. We hoped that we’d meet more people when our eldest DC started school, but unfortunately he has become best friends with two children whose parents are pretty unfriendly and awkward. I set up a play date with one of the mums and her child and, honestly, it was such hard work- she had absolutely nothing to say. If I didn’t talk, we’d just sit in silence.

My DH and I don’t know what to do. We like the area, we like our house, and we don’t have the money to move anyway. But every weekend just reminds us of how lonely we are. It’s just my husband and me with the kids every single weekend, looking at each other asking: ‘What are we going to do today?’ Over the years we have instigated play dates, have invited people to parties and Christmas drinks- these are never reciprocated. My DC never seem to get party invites. We’ve tried forcing our eldest DC (6) to join sports classes, for his own confidence and as a way of meeting other parents, but he’s not interested. It’s not fair to make him do something that he doesn’t want to do just for our social needs.

Sorry if this reads as one long pity-fest, I’m just feeling pretty down today. Yet another Saturday where it’s just the four of us, just dripping around the local park or soft play. We used to be fun people. We used to be really sociable and go out a lot. We made plans and we used to laugh with friends. Our world has shrunk down so much. I think we both feel a bit lost and as if life is passing us by.

Have others found themselves in this situation? If you weren’t happy, what changes did you make to improve your lives?

I feel for you as I am in pretty much a similar situation. I am also trying to get my kids to join a few sporting clubs in the hope of meeting new people. have joined a few clubs which is expanding my network. Have you tried that? A dance class or something? That has got me talking superficially to a few more people.
I’m thinking of doing some local volunteer work too.

I’ll be watching this thread with interest, but sorry I couldn’t help more!

It sounds like most of your socialising activities are focused on the children in one way or another - meeting parents through them. Would that be fair? It’s understandable because that’s the phase of life you’re in. But perhaps you both (as adults) need to take up different activities as individuals to broaden your friendship potential pool - both you and your husband could join sports teams yourself, rather than your DS, for instance? Park run, yoga classes, community theatre, look for a book group or choir, local community volunteering groups etc. Church?

I sympathise with the moving away from London to an area where people have already established groups. In London people are more willing to take a risk on friendships it seems, plus there’s tons of things to do and get involved in etc. But remember that was your pre-kids life too- it would have changed anyway wherever you were.

Being self-employed is tough - can your DH join a local networking group? Offer a bit of time to a skills-hub volunteering? Do you work or are you at home with the kids?

Also - the last 2 years have been brutally tough on opportunities to make friends, and on most people’s emotional capacity to want to make new friends. Remember that. Some of this is definitely situational and a reaction to the pandemic and lockdowns.

You both need to join things , gyms , running clubs , book groups , Womens Institute ( some have younger members ) 5 aside football etc . You have to actively seek friends , they don't knock on your door.

I am thinking that also, @NoSquirrels.
I have pretty much written off the last 2 years trying to make friends, so don’t be too hard on yourself OP.

I agree you need to try join an activity or club yourself. I know it involves more tag teaming! But it’ll be worth it.

I know what you mean- My husband and I moved into our area nearly 8yrs ago and just at the point we felt out of young child raising and more sociable we really needed to make more of an effort friendship wise Covid struck.
We do have some friends and like you we are a happy family but sometimes I feel lonely. I also had the issue of not gelling with kids friends parents, and weirdly a couple we liked splitting up.
I do do some things, outdoor activities and a book group help. I think you need to find things for you, not via the kids but it's easier said than done.
Covid is a fucker though- I actually had a party to go to tonight and my kids have it! And we had plans last night...

Unless the place you've moved to is particularly weird, for me this is quite strange. What about people at your individual hobbies? Neighbours?

The pandemic definitely hasn’t helped the situation, you’re right. And I think, like most parents, DH and I pretty burnt out by the past two years. I suppose that’s why we’re keen to meet other parents with children a similar age to ours. Because, let’s face it, looking after young children is often a slog. It would be nice to have other parents to meet up with so that our kids can play together and we can enjoy adult company. It’s the weekends we find particularly hard and the constant pressure to find things to entertain the kids (I know they should be learning to entertain themselves, but that’s easier said than done). I think we also find it hard because our uni friends, who are now scattered around the country, seem to have found other friendship groups through their children’s schools or activities. We just haven’t found that for some reason.
My husband did look into joining a football team, but it’s hard with his work hours. Also the men there took it very seriously, whereas my DH just wanted a kick about. He’s not as fit as he used to be . But we do need to look at broadening our own horizons and doing things for our own enjoyment, rather having everything revolve around the kids, I agree.

Are you in the south of England, OP?

If eldest is only 6, you are only at the start of finding friends with school mums. My primary days were the happiest, meeting Different mums, going out drinking, meeting for kids swimming and parties and then developing that into my own friendships. Ds's now aren't particularly close friends with some of their dc anymore, but we made a point of agreeing that our mum friendship would continue even if theirs didn't.

Plus, it's even worse now post covid. 3 of my closest friends and my sil have said that staying at home for 2 years, they are just happy with their husband and children, and have no desire to go out.

Plus making a couple friendship is really hard. Dh has tonnes of friends having always lived here. He thinks most of the school dads are twats and they haven't been welcoming to him. My teens are finishing school, and I made friends with 5 mums in primary, none in secondary. Plus we had lots of fun with football parents. Out of all of them though, only 2 couples is it equal where Dh and I go for dinner with them, because both mums and dads get on equally. I think that's rare.

I think it will happen for you.

I can't fault you for trying with the school parents, but it sounds like you're flogging a dead horse. I agree with others that you need to look at sociable activities for you and your husband rather than hoping schoolfriends' parents will want to socialise. You can probably find a local babysitter if you don't have family around.

Amateur drama groups are sociable, and also things like walking groups, golf clubs or the WI. Have you investigated Meet Up? There may be groups in your area so have a look. Or start your own! About 4 years ago I set up a Meetup group for women in my area over 50yrs of age. Some of my closest friends had passed away and others have health issues, financial constraints or work shifts that make it difficult to meet for anything other than the odd coffee or lunch. I wanted to do more fun stuff; concerts, theatre, day trips etc. It took a while to get going but it's a lovely group now and in fact 10 of us have just had lunch in town.

If you're happy to share what area you live in, there may be others who can suggest groups.

I live in the suburbs of a city I came to live in at 18 for uni. I have very few friends, we had some when the kids were a bit younger (nursery/infants - they are now in juniors) that were parents of kids my kids liked, but we grew apart as the kids did. I think it’s quite common at this stage of life and less to do with london v not (there are plenty of things to do in other cities…🙄) or newbie v not. Recently I have joined a choir and am meeting new people that way. Dh joined a running club. Get yourself out there, do something for you. You will meet people, you sound confident, chatty, positive and that generally attracts people 😊

This is odd though. What city have you moved to? Too big? Why unfriendly? Because we live in a small Surrey town there are only a couple of schools to chose from, so people just get on, and find same ilk folk.

It would be nice to have other parents to meet up with so that our kids can play together and we can enjoy adult company. It’s the weekends we find particularly hard

I think you have to adjust your expectations, tbh. My DC have a reasonable social life individually, but weekend socialising with their friends and their parents isn’t really something we do much of - most families of more than 1 DC have commitments that mean it’s not possible to arrange a weekend meet-up that’s kid-friendly at an activity everyone will enjoy in between weekend club commitments (my DC do something Saturday late morning, that cuts into a whole day, others have different activity timings etc), things like running errands or shift work or family commitments etc.

We can have people over for Sunday lunch, for instance, or a BBQ in summer where the kids can play out, but families all have different ages of kids so it’s unusual to get a group that fits exactly with the ages and stages of your own children unless that’s through NCT or antenatal or whatever and even then that only holds true for DC1 and families diverge quite a bit after that.

Don’t romanticise what you think other people have. It’s rarely the whole truth.

Join your local tennis and / or cricket club, lots for all of you to do there. Get stuck in with organising/coaching too. All very sociable.

Don’t write off parents of your younger DC as potential friends. Basically keep going!!

Invite people with similar age DCs for days out with you. Don’t sweat it if you can’t all go all the time. Offer to help with stuff… friend wants to clear out their garage or dig up a hedge? Offer to help. It may not be reciprocated but the best friendships are based on shared histories… you just just can’t get that through BBQs and kids parties alone.

I don't want to minimise your problem but I do think the past tek years have made lots of us feel like this. My husband and I are very sociable as our our kids. However, we often feel isolated right now and are certainly burnt out. Hopefully the summer will bring more opportunities.

Yes I agree with other PP. Start with joining activities as individuals (a book club, volunteer gardening, etc etc) and you can start making friends that way?

Where I live there are forest school family weekends, where mums and dads join in forest school activities with a leader on a Saturday or Sunday morning. Something like that might be a fun way to meet parents?

Or a local family sports club or something?

We moved somewhere 3 years ago & this resonates with me. Covid has definitely not helped.

For your DH, encourage him to go and watch the match in the pub.
Honestly he'll find there are others doing similar and may find he gets chatting to strangers.

Do you work?

I'm friends with but not that close to school friends' parents. It always surprises me when I hear some of them have gone away for a weekend or something together as I'd never consider doing that. But I have been a member of a book club for about 5 years now and they're a brilliant group of women that I really get on with. And DH plays football most weeks with some school Dads. But we rarely all hang out together with our kids as @NoSquirrels said, they're all different ages and in different friendship groups.

Also if your oldest DC is 6, you probably haven't had many kids parties since they started school because of covid. You could have a birthday party for them and invite the class, and ask parents in for a drink when they pick up.
I also ended up closer to my younger DC's friends' parents. Mainly because my older DC was friends with lots of 2nd or 3rd children, whose parents had already made friends with their eldest ones and couldn't be bothered again.

girlmom21 I work but here Covid is another pain, as it’s all from home & I’ve only met 2 colleagues in the flesh. I find it impossible to form relationships over Teams. My colleagues wouldn’t be able to tell you where I live, how many children I have or what my husband does…. It’s been a real disappointment to me actually as it’s part of the point of working for me.

@Stokey

I'm friends with but not that close to school friends' parents. It always surprises me when I hear some of them have gone away for a weekend or something together as I'd never consider doing that. But I have been a member of a book club for about 5 years now and they're a brilliant group of women that I really get on with. And DH plays football most weeks with some school Dads. But we rarely all hang out together with our kids as *@NoSquirrels* said, they're all different ages and in different friendship groups.

Also if your oldest DC is 6, you probably haven't had many kids parties since they started school because of covid. You could have a birthday party for them and invite the class, and ask parents in for a drink when they pick up.
I also ended up closer to my younger DC's friends' parents. Mainly because my older DC was friends with lots of 2nd or 3rd children, whose parents had already made friends with their eldest ones and couldn't be bothered again.

That’s what’s happened with us- a lot of my son’s classmates have older siblings and it’s almost as if the parents can’t be bothered to make more friends? You’re right, maybe we’ll have more luck with DC2.

I do work but mainly WFH and have yet to meet most of my colleagues!

To be honest, it’s my DH I feel particularly sorry for. He really has tried to make friends but his work hours and the fact that men tend to be less ‘chatty’ make it difficult. He suggested, after me pushing him to do so, setting up a casual game of football with some of the school dads. He only had one reply (and that was from someone saying he was injured so couldn’t play at the moment). DH is so lovely and funny. He had a nice group of friends in uni (who he only gets to see once or twice a year now). He really deserves some good friends. But I am taking your advice on board and looks like we’ll have to be more active in finding friends away from school/ children.

I would say hang in there as I have 4 years between my DS and his sisters and I have found friends via them and not so many via him, it just seems like a much more sociable year group.
Other than that I can only sympathize, I hate having whole weekends just us. It sounds like you've done everything right.
Friends of ours moved to a whole new city and found friends via a tennis club (and eventually school too) so maybe something like that if you like a certain sport.
My kids go to a cycle club and the parents and coaches are all a nice bunch so maybe something like that if your children don't like team sports?

Well done for being honest with yourselves and trying.

Maybe the next step is to be even more proactive with it and treat it a bit like online dating. Try the peanut app and meet up.com. Push yourselves to join some groups separately and put yourself out there asking people to go for coffee.

I've just joined a beginners sports group, totally out of my comfort zone and needed a lot of juggling of childcare and work between me and dp. My next step is to suggest coffee after one of our training sessions. Maybe I'll make friends, maybe I won't, but at least I will have tried!

There was a big push on getting women back to netball a few years ago- is this still going on? Walking groups are quite common too.

I've joined several meet-up groups in the past and made some good friends (have since moved again sadly). Some I went to and it was just awkward and they were just not my kind of people, but like I said - if you treat it like online dating, give it a go, try a second 'date', then move on if it's not working for you.

Good luck.