My DH and I feel isolated

[PenvelopewithaP]

I’ll start off by saying that my husband and I are very very fortunate in many ways- we love each other a lot and have a very supportive relationship. He is my best friend. We also have two beautiful, funny DCs, jobs and a nice home. Considering what others are going through at the moment, our problems will seem trivial. But we are not happy and so incredibly frustrated, and I don’t know what to do about it.

We moved from London (couldn’t afford it) to another city 7 years ago to start a family. But 7 years later, we still find ourselves pretty isolated and lonely. We’ve been really unlucky with making friends. We were really good friends with one couple, but they divorced acrimoniously and both moved away. Another couple we were friends with moved abroad.

I made a few mum friends when I had my first DC, but as nice as they are, I can’t say I’m completely myself around them and I wouldn’t say I have a really good laugh with them. It’s all very polite and we mainly talk about our kids, schools etc. My husband has tried to befriend their husbands, but they are not interested. A lot of people grew up here or went to uni here and stayed, so have ready-made friendship groups or family around and the men in particular don’t really seem interested in making new friends. My husband has really tried and it breaks my heart to see him watching a big football match at home on his own, when I know he’d love to be out watching it with a pint and a group of mates. He is self-employed so doesn’t have work colleagues to hang out with either.

We have no family around (and they don’t really help with the kids when we do see them) and our lives are just a constant tag-team of work and childcare. We hoped that we’d meet more people when our eldest DC started school, but unfortunately he has become best friends with two children whose parents are pretty unfriendly and awkward. I set up a play date with one of the mums and her child and, honestly, it was such hard work- she had absolutely nothing to say. If I didn’t talk, we’d just sit in silence.

My DH and I don’t know what to do. We like the area, we like our house, and we don’t have the money to move anyway. But every weekend just reminds us of how lonely we are. It’s just my husband and me with the kids every single weekend, looking at each other asking: ‘What are we going to do today?’ Over the years we have instigated play dates, have invited people to parties and Christmas drinks- these are never reciprocated. My DC never seem to get party invites. We’ve tried forcing our eldest DC (6) to join sports classes, for his own confidence and as a way of meeting other parents, but he’s not interested. It’s not fair to make him do something that he doesn’t want to do just for our social needs.

Sorry if this reads as one long pity-fest, I’m just feeling pretty down today. Yet another Saturday where it’s just the four of us, just dripping around the local park or soft play. We used to be fun people. We used to be really sociable and go out a lot. We made plans and we used to laugh with friends. Our world has shrunk down so much. I think we both feel a bit lost and as if life is passing us by.

Have others found themselves in this situation? If you weren’t happy, what changes did you make to improve your lives?

@cigarettesNalcohol

Oh my god I could have literally posted this word for word. Sorry op, I know exactly how you feel as my husband and I are in the EXACT SAME situation. Like for like. I've tried so hard to meet other couples but it just doesn't seem to go anywhere. I also have witness my husband's efforts to befriend other men (in the couple) and they aren't interested. Like you, I feel sad as he is such a lovely guy but no one invites him out or tries to get to know him, despite him being chatty and friendly. We never get invited over, my eldest is yet to be invited to a party. I always arrange play dates with some of her friends from preschool. We've been invited over once in return. If I don't message the mums, we wouldn't see anyone. Moved away just over a year ago. No family near by. Completely isolated. Husband and I get on very well and support each other. We're happy but it feels that other people are so lazy. Like you said, they've been in the area most of their life with friends and family already around so don't need 'new friends'.

Sorry I don't have any advice on how to fix this - there is no solution. The reality is that things will most likely not change. Makes me very sad and I'd go as far as saying it's the one thing in our lives that really upsets me.

Sorry to hear that you are facing the same problems. Making new friends as an adult is tricky and it’s hard when you don’t have family around for support to help take the pressure off sometimes.

@Tonkerbea

I can very much empathise. DH and I moved from London to a commuter town with DD (2years old at the time) and I'd never been so lonely. DH socialised in London after work with old uni friends when he could, but I felt very adrift.

We then moved again when DD was 3 to another SE town, but we're so much happier. We've both met people through the children who we can get in well with.

It's a smaller, but more welcoming town, with a great sense of community. I honestly think location matters hugely.

We sometimes wonder if moving is the answer. But (if we were to magically find enough money for stamp duty, moving costs etc) the risk is we go somewhere else and find the same problems.

@EmmaH2022

Sorry to hear this OP I can only offer sympathy

I thought I had good friends before lockdown....apparently I was wrong.

I am single and it has seemed as if a lot of people have gone into "I only need my DH" mode.

I think the only thing we can do is wait. Life changes all the time. I am hoping to move areas so after that's done, I will probably try to make friends.

I talked to a lady in my current area, who ran local meetups in the pub, and she is finding no one wants to come. We get on well but ironically she always seems very busy with DH and DC so I don't ask her to meet more than once a month.

Also nervous of being seen as "full on" etc as that seems to put people off.

I worry about being seen as ‘full on’ if I keep suggesting meeting up too. But then, nothing ventured, nothing gained I suppose? Sorry to hear your friends are being rubbish about meeting though. I would have thought that being at home for the past two years would have made people desperate to meet up, but it’s the opposite for many people.

Hi op I found your post interesting as today I cried at how boring my Saturday was! And I am very sociable and outgoing. I also have made a few good local friends. I actually think modern life is intrinsically pretty dull a lot of the time. My 7 yesr old has also exactly as you describe happened to make friends with children whose parents I don't get in with I have tried so hard !

I have invited her friends over at weekends I have invited the adults over but there just isn't much effort back. My older child is very sporty and has a lot of good friends.

I feel I've sort of failed at life for my younger child . She isn't sporty so there is just no focus to our weekends.

Re. The dad thing. That is hard.

So my suggestion. Do you know the group Playing out ?have a look at the website . It's about getting to know your neighbours and setting up play streets where kids play regularly. I highly recommend doing it as you will find other people who are keen to socialise

I feel for you OP, could have written your post except we don’t have our son at home anymore— we have lived in loads of different places (all nice places) but situation exactly the same. Most of my marriage has been like this— we do know loads of people and are very sociable, but they live all over— about 5 years ago though I made a real effort and met 4 lovely friends via meet up— we have since moved abroad but are moving back — my H hadn’t realised how much having those friends made a difference to me. Like you it’s a self employed situation (both of us) — I always thought it was just us but had a chatcwith a neighbour one day who always had people round and turns out they were both from big local families and it was usually family— things aren’t always what they seem

I might be wildly wrong here, but to some extent, I wonder if "internet culture" is connected to this problem. People seem to follow a lot of very particular paths, if that makes sense? And there's more room for misinterpreting what's being said, especially as there's now a tendency for words to evolve within a couple of hours in social media, and that bleeds into real life.

It's especially a problem when meeting new people. It's embarrassing to keep asking what they mean or not to know if they are joking. Last time I went to a pub meetup, I was sitting next to a lady who "joked" about finding ways to ask people nosey questions. It didn't sound like a joke at all. Another person stepped in and said "Emma is new here, she thinks you're being serious". Tbh, after meeting them a couple more times, I still do think she's serious!

I think people also consider Zoom a good substitute for meeting up. Maybe it's because I live alone but I don't get any sense of really having spent time with a friend on Zoom.

I spend more time on hobbies now. That's not a bad thing but I'd love to have people to see each week in a pub etc.

@TravellingFrom It may annoy you, but it's true. It has nothing to do with smaller communities. It's to do with age. The older people get, the more time they've had to get to know their existing friends which might deepen those relationships. Once people have children, many people's world get even smaller because they just don't have the time or energy for everything and everyone. Some people like meeting new people, but many many people prefer the comfort of people they know already. You don't have to like it, but it is something that happens!!

Scouts ... Cubs/beavers ?. My partner's parents have such a good group of close friends they go on holidays , meals , parties all the time etc they all met there !

We have joint too and have met so many nice couples X

Great advice here and not much to add.

I lived in a small town for five years. Took me 2-3 to get any good friends and they were not school mums! DP took four years to join a club and then after just as we were leaving, started to make friends!

It takes time. Leave the school mums alone for a bit!

Hobbies are where it is at. You DH might find a gym or boot camp or a place to find sporty people.

Final tip - every time I went to a new group, I would try to find the people who were born or raised in the town - the “incomers” like me. They were always also lonely! I made a WhatsApp group of them and worked hard to keep it alive. I got a couple of nice friends and some nice people to have coffee with from that.

The thing to remember is somewhere very near you are people who feel the same.

It's interesting reading some of the comments here about people getting older/become parents and no longer having time to socialise and make new friends... which I agree is true and I've met a handful of couples like this since our move away; they are very happy to accept a play date invitation or dinner in the evening but never reciprocate or message to arrange something. And over time that gets you down and that hurts a bit.

Also, it seems that we either meet couples where the other husband either:

a) can barely bring himself to mutter a word to my husband so he is doing all the leg work. When he doesn't, they sit in silence.

b) the other husband is the type who only talks about himself, his hobbies. Running, kayaking or their 3 holidays so far, or how much their earned this year, boasting about things they have recently bought... they never ask a single question about us/my husband. The conversation is constantly brought back to them no matter how hard my husband tries to find a mutual ground and steer the conversation in another direction. It's all about them and how amazing they are. Not interested in getting to know him the slightest which really irritates me and I find disrespectful. We've stopped inviting/organising things with people like this. Obviously we don't hear from them anymore.

I've also stopped trying with the ones who clearly don't want to be here and make no effort. So we spend our weekend just in family.

My husband has a close group of friends from high school that he still sees a couple of times a year. He adores them but isn't able to see them as regularly as he'd like as we moved far away now.

@cigarettesNalcohol

It's interesting reading some of the comments here about people getting older/become parents and no longer having time to socialise and make new friends... which I agree is true and I've met a handful of couples like this since our move away; they are very happy to accept a play date invitation or dinner in the evening but never reciprocate or message to arrange something. And over time that gets you down and that hurts a bit.

Also, it seems that we either meet couples where the other husband either:

a) can barely bring himself to mutter a word to my husband so he is doing all the leg work. When he doesn't, they sit in silence.

b) the other husband is the type who only talks about himself, his hobbies. Running, kayaking or their 3 holidays so far, or how much their earned this year, boasting about things they have recently bought... they never ask a single question about us/my husband. The conversation is constantly brought back to them no matter how hard my husband tries to find a mutual ground and steer the conversation in another direction. It's all about them and how amazing they are. Not interested in getting to know him the slightest which really irritates me and I find disrespectful. We've stopped inviting/organising things with people like this. Obviously we don't hear from them anymore.

I've also stopped trying with the ones who clearly don't want to be here and make no effort. So we spend our weekend just in family.

My husband has a close group of friends from high school that he still sees a couple of times a year. He adores them but isn't able to see them as regularly as he'd like as we moved far away now.

Yes, we’ve found this! Many of the husbands are either monosyllabic, either because they are shy or just can’t be arsed, or really impressed by themselves and talk a lot about their achievements, jobs or sporting interests and basically don’t ask any questions back. My DH can talk to most people, but it’s not enjoyable if it’s a one-way conversation all the time. The few men that my DH has met who he has got on well with usually already have a well established friendship group, because they grew up or went to uni here. DH has asked a couple of these men to go for a pint or watch a match, they meet up, have a nice time, and then DH doesn’t hear from them for months. DH eventually texts them again, suggesting another pint/ match, they meet again, the men are apologetic for not getting in touch, saying ‘sorry we’ve been so busy doing this and that’, they have a nice time, DH doesn’t hear from them again for months again. DH doesn’t want to be the one chasing all the time because he doesn’t want to look desperate, and it never occurs to these men to ask my DH along to anything they may be doing with their friends.

I find that when you move to an area everyone already has friends. Most people have friends from school or stayed after university so already have established groups. It’s hard to break into that, knowing that even if you make friends you are never going to be on the same level.

Not ideal but my cousin and his wife moved to a new build estate and everyone is in the same boat so have met lots of people with young kids who want to socialize. I’d recommend football or rugby clubs - always events and touch lines to get chatting. Myself and hubby really became part of the community. Also - get an allotment! Very social 😂

[quote EarthSight]@TravellingFrom It may annoy you, but it's true. It has nothing to do with smaller communities. It's to do with age. The older people get, the more time they've had to get to know their existing friends which might deepen those relationships. Once people have children, many people's world get even smaller because they just don't have the time or energy for everything and everyone. Some people like meeting new people, but many many people prefer the comfort of people they know already. You don't have to like it, but it is something that happens!![/quote]
I don’t think it’s age simply because when you live in an area where you have a ‘high turnover’ of people, aka lots of people coming and going, settling down when they were previously living somewhere else (or have been going through that themselves), you don’t have that level of issue.

Making friends is much easier and people are not as attached (or close depending on how you want to look at things) to their own circle of friends.

@PenvelopewithaP

The pandemic definitely hasn’t helped the situation, you’re right. And I think, like most parents, DH and I pretty burnt out by the past two years. I suppose that’s why we’re keen to meet other parents with children a similar age to ours. Because, let’s face it, looking after young children is often a slog. It would be nice to have other parents to meet up with so that our kids can play together and we can enjoy adult company. It’s the weekends we find particularly hard and the constant pressure to find things to entertain the kids (I know they should be learning to entertain themselves, but that’s easier said than done). I think we also find it hard because our uni friends, who are now scattered around the country, seem to have found other friendship groups through their children’s schools or activities. We just haven’t found that for some reason. My husband did look into joining a football team, but it’s hard with his work hours. Also the men there took it very seriously, whereas my DH just wanted a kick about. He’s not as fit as he used to be . But we do need to look at broadening our own horizons and doing things for our own enjoyment, rather having everything revolve around the kids, I agree.

Unfortunately Op, I don't think the school gates are the place to find good friends. I've never really understood parents who use that as a good example. When my ds was at Primary, I would say hi to the occasional mum on the days I collected him and that was it, you're only there for a few minutes. I think you're making a mistake trying to make the mum's of your dc's friends your friends. In my experience, that rarely happens, just because your children are friends doesn't mean that you will be too. There's a big difference between being friendly and being friends. You can't force it. Do you work, Op? That would really help. I have good friends in work and although I rarely see them outside I think they would be there for me if I needed it plus we chat and laugh a lot. I do feel for you and your dh. Your dc will be fine, support their friendships and activities but you are right to look for your own activities. My ds was in lots of clubs when he was younger and I might have said hello and had a 5 minute chat with another parent but it never developed into anything more nor did i expect it to do. The best thing you and dh can do is join bookclubs etc, activities where you have to talk to people as part of the activity . No point using a gym as a social thing really because it's a solitary hobby unless you go with friends. One more thing - would you join the PTA? Was never my bag but I think that you would definitely meet other parents there.

My friend also told me this is where big villages still with facilities come into their own — because there’s a limit people gravitate to the events and few activities on offer and because no one lives that far from each other there’s none of the ‘can’t stay , have to dash for train’ kind of thing. She moved somewhere like this and has never had a better social life

Unfortunately Op, I don't think the school gates are the place to find good friends.

I don’t agree with this. I have a group of friends from my DC’s school. There’s this assumption that you need to be friends with your DC’s friend’s parents. Originally the reason we became friends was because they started in the same class. Now they’ve all formed their own friendships with different children, some of them still maintain friendships of course but we’re all still friends despite our children not necessarily being.

We also don’t spend our weekends having play dates. The DC have various activities and we spend time as a family. Although sometimes either DH and I go out in the evening (not often) or the DC might have a birthday party.

I agree with a PP in that you almost need a 'strategy' for making new friends, we've moved a bit over the years and I have the same approach - volunteering, join a Church, join the PTA (those years are over now my DS is at Uni ) and WI. You may have to try or two different volunteering opportunities, one or two different churches but you will be busy, doing something you enjoy and meeting like minded people ... some of whom may become friends and some remain acquaintances. My DH does similar with sport - and has done coaching courses to become both a rugby & then cricket coach when our DS was younger.