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Original poster

Feeling a bit meh with DH :-/

80 replies

meh22 · 11/03/2022 08:37

DH is a good guy, great with the kids, works hard to provide for us.

I'm a SAHM have been for about 5 years now.

I've found recently that I'm getting a bit put out with certain aspect of DH behaviour, and I don't know if I'm being unfair or if he needs to do a bit more.

I feel like I'm always last in the list for his time. Example, he's been saying he's going to book tickets for a show for us since December, book the babysitter etc. So far nothing. Any time I mention it he says it's in hand Hmm

When I push the subject of him being more proactive in doing stuff for us as a couple he says he understands but is snowed at work but will do it. It Leaves me feeling in limbo.

When it's something for the kids a day out he'll book it right away. He says it's easier to do that as we're all going so no need for a babysitter etc.

Part of me thinks he's busy providing for all so let him be. The other part of me feels like he's taking the piss and I'm no longer important to him.

He did take us out for dinner yesterday which I enjoyed and we have lots planned as a four but it's maki g me resentful that he doesn't see the importance of time as a couple, that's not spent at home!

I feel I have to force him to do things with me an dit's getting me down

OP posts:
Original poster
meh22 · 11/03/2022 08:40

Also I know he was previously v busy with work but it definitely seems like he's less so now, so the snowed under story doesn't hold water for me.
I could be wrong though, I'm not standing over him all day so what he says may be accurate

OP posts:
twinsetandpearl · 11/03/2022 09:01

I'm going to be brutally honestly here OP and say you sound incredibly ungrateful of the fact he is carrying the family financially to enable you to have stayed home for half a decade. Working full time with a family is incredibly hard - I'm the main earner and I can't begin to tell you the strain and pressure that causes. And no I don't then have the time, energy or capacity to be planning date nights with my husband.

Why can't you book the tickets and babysitter? 🤷🏻‍♀️ perhaps you're husband is sat at work feeling resentful that what he is doing is still not good enough for you - he sorts the kids days out and took you out for dinner And you are still not happy?

SunflowerTed · 11/03/2022 09:06

@meh22

Also I know he was previously v busy with work but it definitely seems like he's less so now, so the snowed under story doesn't hold water for me. I could be wrong though, I'm not standing over him all day so what he says may be accurate
He sounds like a great guy. What have you planned for him to show your appreciation to him ?
LadyDanburysHat · 11/03/2022 09:12

@twinsetandpearl

I'm going to be brutally honestly here OP and say you sound incredibly ungrateful of the fact he is carrying the family financially to enable you to have stayed home for half a decade. Working full time with a family is incredibly hard - I'm the main earner and I can't begin to tell you the strain and pressure that causes. And no I don't then have the time, energy or capacity to be planning date nights with my husband.

Why can't you book the tickets and babysitter? 🤷🏻‍♀️ perhaps you're husband is sat at work feeling resentful that what he is doing is still not good enough for you - he sorts the kids days out and took you out for dinner And you are still not happy?

I agree with this. You are the one who has time to organise things. Why does he need to do it?
Googlecanthelpme · 11/03/2022 09:20

I totally agree that relationships need nurturing away from the kids, that you need alone time together to connect. However I definitely feel this is a two way street and that you both need to pull weight in making sure this happens.

If you’ve been doing your part, like organising nights together, making plans etc and he’s not returning the favour then I can understand you being a little miffed.

However - have an honest look at the situation and ask have YOU done anything other than ask your DH to book and plan things?
Have you taken the initiative and organised a baby sitter so you can spend an evening together? Doesn’t have to be expensive or spending money, if finances concern you - but cooking a nice meal together, watching a film etc - just a date night without kids there…..

If you cannot honestly say that you have made the effort then I think that you’re being a little unreasonable.

Your DH works hard, as I’m sure do you, so you need to see this as appreciating and spoiling each other - not your DH doing all the leg work.

Why don’t you book something, take the initiative- then if he doesn’t engage or doesn’t return the favour you have a better position to have a conversation with him about it.

girlmom21 · 11/03/2022 09:22

Why does he have to book everything? Do you have access to money?

frozendaisy · 11/03/2022 09:22

My Mr takes full responsibility for our finances.

He rarely books anything for us to do, I am much better at that sort of thing, but he has on occasion booked bits for us all, and he'll happily go to anything I book.

I think you are deciding to get a bit pissed off over nothing really. Once kids are older, dynamics change.

So I would advise you change how you look at things, look at all the stuff he does do rather than the stuff he doesn't. Make you both a separate dinner from the kids one evening, eat together at a table with a bit of music on, talk, reconnect.

SallyWD · 11/03/2022 09:30

He's working full time and great with the kids. Why aren't you booking nights out to show you appreciate him?! Also this show is December and it's now March so I can see why he hasn't felt the urgency to book it yet. He says it's in hand so why don't you believe him? Unless there's more to it I think you're sounding pretty entitled.

girlmom21 · 11/03/2022 09:31

@SallyWD

He's working full time and great with the kids. Why aren't you booking nights out to show you appreciate him?! Also this show is December and it's now March so I can see why he hasn't felt the urgency to book it yet. He says it's in hand so why don't you believe him? Unless there's more to it I think you're sounding pretty entitled.
Everything you say is true apart from he's been saying he'd book it since December, although this only really matters if the show is closing or entirely sold out for the foreseeable
Aurorasaurus · 11/03/2022 09:35

@twinsetandpearl

I'm going to be brutally honestly here OP and say you sound incredibly ungrateful of the fact he is carrying the family financially to enable you to have stayed home for half a decade. Working full time with a family is incredibly hard - I'm the main earner and I can't begin to tell you the strain and pressure that causes. And no I don't then have the time, energy or capacity to be planning date nights with my husband.

Why can't you book the tickets and babysitter? 🤷🏻‍♀️ perhaps you're husband is sat at work feeling resentful that what he is doing is still not good enough for you - he sorts the kids days out and took you out for dinner And you are still not happy?

I agree with this. Book it yourself, you have lots of time to do it. I work full time, and if you want date nights (just the word is cringe) arrange it and be lucky if he’s got the energy to go being the main earner of a family.
Aurorasaurus · 11/03/2022 09:37

My guess is after hald a decade at home you’re starting to get bored. It’s not your husbands fault.

Savvysix1984 · 11/03/2022 09:39

You sound very ungrateful and dependent on your husband for entertainment. Perhaps a job would be good, open up your world a bit more .

SprayedWithDettol · 11/03/2022 09:43

Seriously just book it yourself. You’ve agreed to go out so get on with it. The passive aggressive attitude that he should do it isn’t getting you anywhere.

GeneLovesJezebel · 11/03/2022 09:46

If there’s more to this than just not putting effort into your relationship, you need to look at getting a job and your ducks in a row.

OneToThree · 11/03/2022 09:51

My dh works and I don’t. He wants to do stuff with me but his head is full with work stuff and mine isn’t so I sort out our social life. It works well and I don’t take it personally that it means dh doesn’t want to do things with me just because he never books anything.

Broads93 · 11/03/2022 09:52

Sorry but I'll be brutally honest here. You want him to pay for more treats for you when he already provides for the household plus extras for the kids and is a good dad. Sounds like he's snowed under mentally, not just with work.

Why not go out and get a job if you want treats ? You haven't worked for 5 years, he's been the sole provider. I feel like he needs abit more appreciation and a break tbh.

Tittyfilarious · 11/03/2022 09:53

I think you are being unfair,I'm a sahm I have been for a very long time and it's me that books our nights out and holidays because I've got the time . In my opinion your husband is making you a priority he's earning so you can stay at home which I think you should be grateful for .

WeeOrcadian · 11/03/2022 09:55

If he's working FT, why does HE need to book the tickets, they aren't a surprise, do it yourself.

You sound Ungrateful and like a brat.

zoemum2006 · 11/03/2022 09:56

I think you need to have access to the “fun funds” so you can do the booking.

I’m the ‘social secretary’ in my house. All travel, theatre, days out is booked by me.

I have more flexibility so it just makes sense.

MrsHumphrieswife · 11/03/2022 09:59

Do you have access to money OP? Are you 'allowed' to organise social activities? Do you go out and see friends and have a social life?

Just wanting to explore if there is something more going on here.

Foxglovesandlilacs86 · 11/03/2022 10:07

I agree with pp that the op sounds a bit ungrateful BUT I'm not sure I agree with everyone saying that she is more time than him because she's at home.

I don't know how the ops house works but in my house DH works and I do everything else. Everything. He has one job, to go to work and earn money. Oh and do the odd bit of gardening and diy, and change our bedsheets once a week, but apart from that I do everything. All the shopping, cooking, cleaning,laundry, school runs, is done by me plus the mental load of having children like remembering when parents evening and taking them to the dentist. It is slightly different for me as I have 8 children but in theory it's the same.

I'm not complaining about this, I love it this way but woe betide anyone who says I have more time than him Grin

Waddlegoose · 11/03/2022 10:22

Digging a bit deeper, is this actually about your husband and the tickets? Or could it be more about being a SAHM and not feeling appreciated / needing alone adult time that you don’t get with kids in toe?

Do you feel your husband appreciates you?

MrsHumphrieswife · 11/03/2022 10:39

I also completely reject the idea that the flow of gratitude goes one way from SAHMs to their H's.

The men I know with SAHM wives have fucking great lives. They work, then they have down time. With the kids, their hobbies, their wives. or just chilling. Not so long ago I spoke with a 50 year old man with a SAHW who had NEVER made a meal for himself. His wife did that. His mum before that.

I would LOVE to have a SAHH. My life would be bloody brilliant. There was short period of a about a year where I was the sole wage earner with a SAHH. And it felt bloody brilliant. I completely understood why men have kept things like that for so long.

So if there is gratitude it should flow both ways. The women has made herself vulnerable and dependent - that is a huge sacrifice - and provides a far better life for her husband than if they both worked. His life would change unrecognisably if she did.

It makes for a tired, stressed household with kids and two FT working parents.

Grapesandapples · 11/03/2022 11:14

@twinsetandpearl

I'm going to be brutally honestly here OP and say you sound incredibly ungrateful of the fact he is carrying the family financially to enable you to have stayed home for half a decade. Working full time with a family is incredibly hard - I'm the main earner and I can't begin to tell you the strain and pressure that causes. And no I don't then have the time, energy or capacity to be planning date nights with my husband.

Why can't you book the tickets and babysitter? 🤷🏻‍♀️ perhaps you're husband is sat at work feeling resentful that what he is doing is still not good enough for you - he sorts the kids days out and took you out for dinner And you are still not happy?

I was thinking exactly this. Also, why not make the effort to organise something for the two of you/the family instead of putting the onus on him? I don't think you are being fair at all.
MrsHumphrieswife · 11/03/2022 11:23

You sound dependent on your husband for entertainment

Well, IF this is the case we need to know the reason for this, before casting judgement.
Some women become dependent on husbands for entertainment because their husbands have, over time, organised things to be like that.
Some women become financially dependent on husbands because husbands have connived to make things like.

We don't know anything about the background here and I, for one, would rather withhold judgement on OP when I know nothing.