Feeling a bit meh with DH :-/

[meh22]

DH is a good guy, great with the kids, works hard to provide for us.

I'm a SAHM have been for about 5 years now.

I've found recently that I'm getting a bit put out with certain aspect of DH behaviour, and I don't know if I'm being unfair or if he needs to do a bit more.

I feel like I'm always last in the list for his time. Example, he's been saying he's going to book tickets for a show for us since December, book the babysitter etc. So far nothing. Any time I mention it he says it's in hand

When I push the subject of him being more proactive in doing stuff for us as a couple he says he understands but is snowed at work but will do it. It Leaves me feeling in limbo.

When it's something for the kids a day out he'll book it right away. He says it's easier to do that as we're all going so no need for a babysitter etc.

Part of me thinks he's busy providing for all so let him be. The other part of me feels like he's taking the piss and I'm no longer important to him.

He did take us out for dinner yesterday which I enjoyed and we have lots planned as a four but it's maki g me resentful that he doesn't see the importance of time as a couple, that's not spent at home!

I feel I have to force him to do things with me an dit's getting me down

Thanks for taking time to respond

Just a few points, yes I am a SAHM, but I feel whenever that's mentioned it derails the thread because that's all people focus on. I'm so fortunate he's funded me for the last however long etc

We agreed that I would stay at home. This hasn't been foisted upon him. It's not the easy option. I'm fortunate it's an option, but it's not all roses. It is work also. I'm not just out here having wall to wall fun seven days a week.

While I take on board I may be being unreasonable in my expectations. I also don't think being the breadwinner should automatically absolve one of of any further contribution to the marriage.

It should go both ways. I plan, organise and arrange everything and all I want is some thought back in return.

I don't think it's fair to say you're going to do something and then Just never do it.

We have a fund for going out, we have a babysitter, I am always willing, but I'm also not the only one who can access these things. I'm happy to do 75% of it, and I do, to show my appreciation of him. Where's the appreciation for my contribution to our life?!

I work full time and tbh the life admin and arranging things pretty much push me over the limit of what I can manage. If my husband didn't work outside the home and sat waiting for me to organise nice nights out I would be pretty pissed off, tbh.

He has time to organise things with friends, and various other stuff. Why is that different to booming a few cinema tickets for time as a couple.

It's not like he's not arranging other stuff?

You are right OP. You do contribute and you do deserve to be appreciated for it.

@meh22

Thanks for taking time to respond

Just a few points, yes I am a SAHM, but I feel whenever that's mentioned it derails the thread because that's all people focus on. I'm so fortunate he's funded me for the last however long etc

We agreed that I would stay at home. This hasn't been foisted upon him. It's not the easy option. I'm fortunate it's an option, but it's not all roses. It is work also. I'm not just out here having wall to wall fun seven days a week.

While I take on board I may be being unreasonable in my expectations. I also don't think being the breadwinner should automatically absolve one of of any further contribution to the marriage.

It should go both ways. I plan, organise and arrange everything and all I want is some thought back in return.

I don't think it's fair to say you're going to do something and then Just never do it.

We have a fund for going out, we have a babysitter, I am always willing, but I'm also not the only one who can access these things. I'm happy to do 75% of it, and I do, to show my appreciation of him. Where's the appreciation for my contribution to our life?!

Do you plan and organise things for you and him though or family things?

SAHP's do deserve appreciation for their contribution. Without their willingness to sacrifice a career and ability to earn money (at least in the short term) in order to save money on childcare, home cleaners etc then the other person wouldn't be able to work as hard/much as they do.

It definitely goes both ways, but you're not working for someone else. Completing tasks in a certain way and order and by a certain time won't be the basis for future employment. You have a lot more flexibility so I think you should take on more of the mental load. That doesn't mean he doesn't take on any, but it definitely lies more at your door than his.

So do you organise theatre trips and babysitters for the two of you to be able to go out together?

@meh22

He has time to organise things with friends, and various other stuff. Why is that different to booming a few cinema tickets for time as a couple.

It's not like he's not arranging other stuff?

Don't you have evenings together? Once kids are in bed, can't you just do stuff like this together? Or turn a normal Friday night into a date night at home? Slightly posher dinner than usual, nicer bottle of wine, no PJs and no phone, rent a film from sky store or something? Or spend tonight looking at activities you can do as a couple outside the house and get them booked.

He’s told you the roadblock is the arranging babysitting. For some reason (that doesn’t seem reasonable to you) this is an issue to him. Find out why.

Is he not usually in contact with them so it feels odd. Does he not know their rates, or what? Find out.

There seems to be a big assumption that employment means you've got no time for anything and SAHPs have all the time in the world. I work part time and fit life admin into lunch breaks as it's a lot easier than the days when i have my kids.

Don't you have evenings together? Once kids are in bed, can't you just do stuff like this together? Or turn a normal Friday night into a date night at home? Slightly posher dinner than usual, nicer bottle of wine, no PJs and no phone, rent a film from sky store or something?

Relationships need more than this. They need a little bit of effort. That's what OP is asking for.

The OP works at home in the day with the house and kids.
The DH works at work in the day.

They should both be equally responsible for organising nice evenings and arranging babysitters-not just one person.

@SallyWD

He's working full time and great with the kids. Why aren't you booking nights out to show you appreciate him?! Also this show is December and it's now March so I can see why he hasn't felt the urgency to book it yet. He says it's in hand so why don't you believe him? Unless there's more to it I think you're sounding pretty entitled.

Because she's looking for her husband to take an interest in her as an individual. It's not about who 'should' book tickets. I'm sure the OP could, but that kind of defeats the object.

I get the calendar out once a week, we sit and go through it, we add stuff that one of us will have planned for the family, outings etc. When I'm out. When he's out.

What's missing in my view is some ownership of stuff he's said he'll do. Dinner yesterday happened because I made a very strong point about us going and him arranging.

I've left the theatre tickets so it's Likely that it will be next year until we hear any more about that.

He's fine for organising stuff like mothers day lunch out, It's the "couple" stuff that's a sticking point.

I try to make it fun and say let's book a night away, but it becomes a chore because I feel like I'm driving it, and he's annoyed because I'm ramming the point home that he isn't going to do it off his own back.

@girlmom21

Don't you have evenings together? Once kids are in bed, can't you just do stuff like this together? Or turn a normal Friday night into a date night at home? Slightly posher dinner than usual, nicer bottle of wine, no PJs and no phone, rent a film from sky store or something?

Relationships need more than this. They need a little bit of effort. That's what OP is asking for.

Depends on your POV.

We can't afford to go out together and cover the babysitter so we spend our effort on a home date for the other person.

You don't have to go out to make an effort.

It is work also. I'm not just out here having wall to wall fun seven days a week.

It's not work in a comparable sense to employed work

It's tiring yes but it's not "hard" - planning play dates, activities, keeping a child entertained, sticking the washing on, shopping and cooking etc "life admin" (although I hate that term).

You are not managing other people, reporting to someone else/people reporting to you, responsible for maintaining workload and standard of work, making decisions which affect others financially or even life and death, making decisions day in day out beyond what shall I do for tea / what shall I do today.

I'm not de valuing STAHM but let's be honest here it's not the same as work. It's just "busy", if you don't get some life admin done today you just do it tomorrow - you aren't going to get sacked for it - you can't do that when it's an action that needs to be done for an employer

So yes whilst it might be annoying that he can book things with friends but not for you he still has managed to book things as a family with the kids and also taking you to dinner 🤷🏻‍♀️

@meh22

I agree with you in that being at home with young dc is no walk int he park just like working full time.

It takes good teamwork and communication to juggle it all and quite frankly sometimes it can feel like your not appreciated.

My dc are tween and teen age so it's easier int that respect but we both work full time opposite hours plus a second job between us and it's easy to bumble and rush along and forget about being a couple.

I send dh txts at times telling him I appreciate him working hard and he equally does the same.

Mine isn't good at taking charge of booking things but then we never really could afford too much out out stuff so it was different then.

Could you ask him if there's an issue with just the two of you spending some time together?
Tell him your feeling like it's not a priority for him and it's making you feel resentful but during a normal conversation rather than a comment here and there?

What's worse is that pre children we did so much, we were always out, having fun, seeing things together.

I know it has to change because our lives have changed. But surely we can maintain some slither of who we once were. Even if it's just once. A month

I'm not content to be a parent all the time and to never have the space to be anything else

I'm surprised at how easily my husband has given us up essentially. Makes me sad

I suspect your husband is no longer as on board with you being a sahm as he was? Either way he's not really prioritising spending time with you.

How old are your kids?

He hasn't given you up, that's incredibly unfair to say.
You're painting him to be really neglectful and it doesn't come across that way at all.

Why does it matter who organized it though ,when you get where you are going it's completely irrelevant who booked it and sorted out the childcare because you should just focused on having that time together and enjoying being a couple on a night out

@meh22

He hasn't given you up but full
Time work as other posters say is multi juggling and tasking.

I get home some nights and I don't even want to talk as I've been focused and talking all day and I need to just come back down to earth.

He organised and books things for you all as a family and quite frankly I would and used to appreciate that as it is prioritising family life as well as trying to work full time and be the main earner.

I do think when you've been at home for quite a while you forget what the working world is like and the mental tiredness.
Your over thinking here abit when you say he's dropped you.

That's ridiculous.

Have you said to him, in unequivocal terms, that you feel emotionally neglected because of this?

You feel you never go out and do stuff as an individual person, but you’re always a parent.

He (perhaps) feels he is always out being an individual person, and never gets enough time to be a parent…

Our children are 2 and 4. 18 months gap.

In my opinion and experience being a SAHM is both tiring and hard, and very much comparable to paid employment @twinsetandpearl

Others may have a different experience of course.

In my previous life I worked in banking for some pretty outrageous characters and never batted an eyelid, being a sahm has challenged me in a way I never thought possible.

@Tittyfilarious

Why does it matter who organized it though ,when you get where you are going it's completely irrelevant who booked it and sorted out the childcare because you should just focused on having that time together and enjoying being a couple on a night out

Also this.

If your role is facilitating home life i.e. not paid work, and his role is facilitating paid work, why isn’t it OK that he leaves you to book babysitting?

I know why - emotionally you feel neglected because he’s not prioritising you through action (booking stuff). But he enjoys spending time with you when you organise it - so book a once a month date with babysitting. Drop the rope on this expectation you hold of him that’s causing friction.