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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling a bit meh with DH :-/

80 replies

meh22 · 11/03/2022 08:37

DH is a good guy, great with the kids, works hard to provide for us.

I'm a SAHM have been for about 5 years now.

I've found recently that I'm getting a bit put out with certain aspect of DH behaviour, and I don't know if I'm being unfair or if he needs to do a bit more.

I feel like I'm always last in the list for his time. Example, he's been saying he's going to book tickets for a show for us since December, book the babysitter etc. So far nothing. Any time I mention it he says it's in hand Hmm

When I push the subject of him being more proactive in doing stuff for us as a couple he says he understands but is snowed at work but will do it. It Leaves me feeling in limbo.

When it's something for the kids a day out he'll book it right away. He says it's easier to do that as we're all going so no need for a babysitter etc.

Part of me thinks he's busy providing for all so let him be. The other part of me feels like he's taking the piss and I'm no longer important to him.

He did take us out for dinner yesterday which I enjoyed and we have lots planned as a four but it's maki g me resentful that he doesn't see the importance of time as a couple, that's not spent at home!

I feel I have to force him to do things with me an dit's getting me down

OP posts:
GailTheSnail · 11/03/2022 12:14

I would imagine child free time is even more important if you're a SAHP. He probably doesnt realise as he presumably gets adult company in work but it's not quite the same if you're at home with kids. Especially when they're little and you get a few minutes of small talk at a playgroup before having to race off and sort out a toy dispute/ nappy change/snack request.

Original poster
meh22 · 11/03/2022 12:14

@wtfisgoingonhere21 I think that's a very helpful and insightful comment. It does feel like I have a set amount of things to focus on and this is one of them so,it receives laser focus.

OP posts:
CityHigh · 11/03/2022 12:30

I don’t see why it matters who books it as long as you go and are spending time together? If he’s not dragging his feet about going eg saying he wants to do something and then when you go to book it umming and ahhhing I don’t see why it’s such a problem?

I book 99% of what me and DP do together.

Clymene · 11/03/2022 12:31

I think you should just book things if you want to go out. I don't think it's an easy ride being a SAHM but as a PP said, your time is your own and you're not trying to do things like research hotels and theatre tickets in between meetings and calls.

I very rarely have time to do that sort of thing in the working day whereas you do. If you think your husband is totally on board with the split of responsibilities in your life then I think you do have to accept that you take on the admin burden as part of your role.

I also agree that wanting adult company is probably more of an issue for you than him!

Hiddenvoice · 11/03/2022 12:37

I get that you feel bottom of the list, have you told him this?
You both seem busy that you sit down and put dates in a calendar, that’s great but why not take it in turns to arrange a date night? Date nights don’t always need to be going out and doing something so why not say twice a month you’ll go out together and another 2 times might be a night just you two when kids are in bed and phones away?
I think the only way to get around this is to speak honestly to him without it sounding like you’re complaining.
I work part time and my husband full time. He’s tired and often forgets tk book things for us. It gets to me sometimes but then I need to remind myself that our lifestyles have changed and he always remembers the family and important stuff.
Being a Sahm is also a full time job, it’s a lot to take on and can make some people feel quite isolated.
Are you still getting out - doing anything for yourself without the family?

ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 11/03/2022 13:14

He sounds like a good guy.
Why don't you say "Hey, what don't we sit at the computer together for an hour and book a weekend away". That way, you both contribute to the decision making and making it happen.

GingerFigs · 11/03/2022 13:16

Could you compromise - he books the tickets and you sort the childcare? You say that he's happy to book things as a family but the sticking point is booking stuff for you as a couple. A PP mentioned it too, is it that he isn't as familiar with your childcare contacts? By this I'm not saying because you are the SAHP then the childcare stuff is up to you but more because if he is mentally full of work stuff it's much easier to book theatre tickets or whatever as you can stay in work mode and it's done in 2 minutes. The softer stuff is actually sometimes more difficult to 'think' about as he will have to step out of work mode. I find those softer things are the things I put off doing as they require a different mindset and very often my brain doesn't have space for that after work.

MarmiteLover101 · 11/03/2022 13:50

Could you do things like organise nights out etc together in the evenings when the children are in bed? Most things can be booked online so you don't need to do that during the day. Both DH and I work full time in pretty full on jobs and have two small children. We organise holidays and evenings out together. If a phone call needs to be made then one of us will do it in our lunch break the next day.

bedheadedzombie · 11/03/2022 14:21

I'm a SAHM and have a lot less free time than my husband. How come so many people claim that you have the time to do the planning? My husband works, then has a lovely cooked dinner, cuddles and plays with dd for a bit and brings her to bed and has the rest of the night off. And sleeps in at the weekends. My day starts earlier than his every day, during the day I care for dd, clean, cook, shop et cetera. After dinner when dh has his free time I still need to clean up, do the dishes, iron, put a washing on. Being a SAHM is way more hours than just working and reaping the benefit of having a partner at home.

girlmom21 · 11/03/2022 14:22

@bedheadedzombie

I'm a SAHM and have a lot less free time than my husband. How come so many people claim that you have the time to do the planning? My husband works, then has a lovely cooked dinner, cuddles and plays with dd for a bit and brings her to bed and has the rest of the night off. And sleeps in at the weekends. My day starts earlier than his every day, during the day I care for dd, clean, cook, shop et cetera. After dinner when dh has his free time I still need to clean up, do the dishes, iron, put a washing on. Being a SAHM is way more hours than just working and reaping the benefit of having a partner at home.
Why do you put up with that? Why does he not have to pull his weight at home?
bedheadedzombie · 11/03/2022 14:24

@twinsetandpearl

It is work also. I'm not just out here having wall to wall fun seven days a week.

It's not work in a comparable sense to employed work

It's tiring yes but it's not "hard" - planning play dates, activities, keeping a child entertained, sticking the washing on, shopping and cooking etc "life admin" (although I hate that term).

You are not managing other people, reporting to someone else/people reporting to you, responsible for maintaining workload and standard of work, making decisions which affect others financially or even life and death, making decisions day in day out beyond what shall I do for tea / what shall I do today.

I'm not de valuing STAHM but let's be honest here it's not the same as work. It's just "busy", if you don't get some life admin done today you just do it tomorrow - you aren't going to get sacked for it - you can't do that when it's an action that needs to be done for an employer

So yes whilst it might be annoying that he can book things with friends but not for you he still has managed to book things as a family with the kids and also taking you to dinner 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think this really depends on your job though. I used to be a secretary and my job was a lot easier than being a SAHM.
bedheadedzombie · 11/03/2022 14:32

@girlmom21

Why do you put up with that? Why does he not have to pull his weight at home?

I'm done trying to discuss it with him. Like many posters on this thread he thinks that working is so much more than being a SAHM. I worked for 19 years before I had DD and can really compare it. Being a SAHM is much more tiring.

In less than 3 years time she'll go to school. I plan to go back to work then. He'll have to step uo and start doing half of it. Currently my only free time is part of dd's nap (which is now), an hour before bed most days and technically half a sunday in his eyes but I use that to study to better my job prospects in the future. So it's not relaxing. That's it. That's my free time. When I had a job my free time was my lunch hour, most of my evenings, most of the weekend.

WatieKatie · 11/03/2022 14:39

If you think being a SAHM is tiring and hard, try being a single full time working parent!

wonderwoman26 · 11/03/2022 15:04

So from what I gather your DH manages to work a full time job, in what i am to assume is fairly high paid job that allows for only 1 income - meaning more money = more stress.
He books things with the kids, balances time with his friends, remembers and books key dates/birthdays etc - but your annoyed that he doesn't also have the capacity to book additional time with just you.

Whilst i dont disagree being a SAHM is hard work, its also quite well known you geniunely will have more free time, especially with the children being their ages i would assume nursery comes into part of that week - then if you want to go someone - organise it.

Your DH is financially supporting the whole family, whilst balancing family time, maintaining social relationships and probably trying not to implode from the added stress because he hasnt booked some cinema tickets for you.

You sound like you have a gem of a partner, if you have to pick up the slack on booking couples things then pick up that burden instead of blaming him for not managing that on his plate aswell

ittakes2 · 11/03/2022 15:07

I am sorry I am also a SAHM and I also can’t get my head around why you aren’t booking and planning things you want. He might have promised it but if it’s not happening you do it. He might have promised it because he thinks you expect him to book things.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 11/03/2022 15:14

@bedheadedzombie

I'm a SAHM and have a lot less free time than my husband. How come so many people claim that you have the time to do the planning? My husband works, then has a lovely cooked dinner, cuddles and plays with dd for a bit and brings her to bed and has the rest of the night off. And sleeps in at the weekends. My day starts earlier than his every day, during the day I care for dd, clean, cook, shop et cetera. After dinner when dh has his free time I still need to clean up, do the dishes, iron, put a washing on. Being a SAHM is way more hours than just working and reaping the benefit of having a partner at home.
Erm, well maybe in your world but I'm sorry, that's because of behaviours and expectations you've permitted. I'm not a SAHM mum I was furloughed for a while over COVID while DH went out to work so I got a taste of it. I certainly didn't cook for him every night. If I did cook, I certainly didn't do the washing up afterwards. Yes during the day I would entertain DS, tidy the house, do the washing, heck even the weeding which was a new one on me. But once DH came home it was a division of evening jobs. One cooks, one cleans up after. One did bedtime with DS while the other folded laundry. Then we both sat down after jobs were done.
dottydodah · 11/03/2022 15:17

DH works full time .I am a SAHM and generally book Theatre Trips ,days out and so on . He generally comes along !

MrsHumphrieswife · 11/03/2022 15:19

So from what I gather your DH manages to work a full time job, in what i am to assume is fairly high paid job that allows for only 1 income - meaning more money = more stress

This really isn't necessarily true. I used to have a high paying job and I really didn't find it that stressful at all. Most of the well paid managers where I worked, worked pretty standard hours too.

I once read a civil service report which found the more junior staff were reporting higher stress levels than managers. Presumably because they felt they had less control over their work load.

I moved countries and now earn a third of what I used to and this job is more stressful and it is because I have less control. The three managers I work to think it is ok to just dump work on me at the last minute and don't bother to inform me of the overall programme of work so that I can see what is coming up and plan for it.

Midlifemusings · 11/03/2022 15:25

Can you provide some details on the events and activities you have planned and executed for just you and DH in the last few months? It would give a better sense of expectation.

Do you financially contribute to these nights out? Or do you plan them and expect him to pay for everything - do you have a set date line in the budget that you both access? How much does that give you for date nights per month?

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/03/2022 15:34

Do you still want to be a SAHM if you find it so difficult? I’m not being snarky, it’s not for everyone and it’s okay to change your mind. Do you use any childcare?

Have you heard of the love languages? Might be worth a look if not. We all express and show love and appreciation in different ways and sussing yours and your DH’s helps with communication and mutual appreciation.

1forAll74 · 11/03/2022 15:49

You could be doing more organising,if your partner is busy, but sounds like he does a fair bit of family organising things.

Aurorasaurus · 11/03/2022 17:25

@twinsetandpearl

It is work also. I'm not just out here having wall to wall fun seven days a week.

It's not work in a comparable sense to employed work

It's tiring yes but it's not "hard" - planning play dates, activities, keeping a child entertained, sticking the washing on, shopping and cooking etc "life admin" (although I hate that term).

You are not managing other people, reporting to someone else/people reporting to you, responsible for maintaining workload and standard of work, making decisions which affect others financially or even life and death, making decisions day in day out beyond what shall I do for tea / what shall I do today.

I'm not de valuing STAHM but let's be honest here it's not the same as work. It's just "busy", if you don't get some life admin done today you just do it tomorrow - you aren't going to get sacked for it - you can't do that when it's an action that needs to be done for an employer

So yes whilst it might be annoying that he can book things with friends but not for you he still has managed to book things as a family with the kids and also taking you to dinner 🤷🏻‍♀️

This.
girlmom21 · 11/03/2022 17:31

I think it's mad people suggest being a SAHM isn't hard work.

I find being a full time working parent much easier than I find being on maternity leave, mentally and physically.

Sunnytwobridges · 11/03/2022 18:45

I actually think being a SAHM is harder than going to work in my experience. But regardless, I think you want to feel like you matter outside of being a mother and a person that takes care of/runs the household. So if your husband took the initiative and followed thru on a few date nights a year it would make you feel as if you mattered to him more than just a mother and a housekeeper.

I was a single working mother and I was able to schedule date nights with my partner and still maintain my home and take care of my DD. Your DH could make plans during lunch or during a break or while he's driving home, i think if he really cared he would find time.

bluedodecagon · 11/03/2022 23:31

You sound bored. Seriously, I really think you need to try to get out of the house. Your world has shrunk to nothing and everything has begun to feel catastrophic.