What has happened?!?!

[brokenbubble]

Hi everyone, I'm new here and my friend recommended I come in for support and advice.
My husband of 16 months and I are are deliriously happy-we are the couple that people envy-our sex life is great, we have such a healthy happy relationship, a beautiful home, everything is good.
However last Monday evening I raised a conversation as I knew something wasn't quite right. He said that he felt something was missing and he couldn't put his finger on it. We don't really argue although there has been some very minor bickering lately. He said that he wanted to spend some time at his parents and he's been there since. We spoke and texted for the first few days (mainly me begging for answers and for him to come home) and in the last few days we haven't spoken at all as he requested space because apparently I'm a bit needy, so I've left him alone which was so tough. Last night after 3 days of radio silence I messaged and said I've respected your space but we need to talk. He is coming home tonight. I don't have a good feeling judging from his business-like tone and subsequent silence although he answered me straight away when I suggested meeting.
I just don't know what's going on. We have just bought a new build house, have a dog and a holiday booked for April. He promises there is no one else as we made a commitment to each other in the beginning that we would always be honest about this if anything happened as we've both experienced something in the past and there are no signs (increased phone use/secrecy/lack of intimacy) to suggest this at all. Like I say, I am attentive and we are intimate every night so he's not looking for anything here. He is the happiest, loveliest man on earth and I'm hoping that he's just going through something in his head and withdrawing back to his man cave for space, but I don't know. He is estranged from him children and has been for years due to parental alienation. We tried to fight but the children have been so poisoned they just don't want to know. He has said that there is a hole in him which he doesn't think can be filled and we know this is the kids but he keeps looking for other reasons. My mother hasn't been too well recently and we both have stressful jobs and I keep thinking maybe I've leaned on him too much and he has just got to the point where he can't face my problems as well as his own. He said he wanted us to do more together but wonders if we're on the same path anymore. I have literally not seen this coming. I can't eat, sleep or function. The dr has just signed me off work as my job is stressful, and I'm mum to 2 kids (he's been in their lives for 6 yrs) who need me but I can't stop torturing myself. I'm hoping he will come home later and admit that the problems aren't in our marriage but with his trauma from his children and we'll work through it. What should I do? How do I cope? While I want support and advice please be kind. This is an incredible man, so affectionate and thoughtful and everything he's demonstrating now is so out of character.

The good news is that he's coming home tonight, you'll be able to talk. Fundamentally, though, there's talk, and then there's people's actions. Going AWOL for days isn't a great one. Don't be hard on yourself. You're allowed to lean on your partner when time's are tough -- and if that partner isn't there for you, you need to ask yourself if this is OK with you. I'd also want to know exactly why he was alienated from his children...

I am so sorry you are going through this, it is so very painful when this happens. You mention you have the perfect life and you are the couple who everyone envies. The thing I have learnt in life is it doesnt matter how perfect you think everything is you will never know how your partner views the relationship. You mention leaning on him with some problems you may have. Some men might find it difficult to cope with a string of problems and when the whole lot is put on their shoulders they may very well run away. Not good and not an excuse but it is a coping mechanism. See what he has to say when he comes back. It sounds like after 16 months of marriage things from his past are rearing up inside him that need to be dealt with. What has to stop though is him running from his responsibilities of a husband and father to your children, even if they aren't his. Did you meet and marry fairly quickly? It just sounds like he is reassessing his life and inside him something doesnt quite sit right. If you want to save the marriage you may need some counselling together and him on his own to work through any past issues. See what he has to say when he returns, dont beg him to return, just make sure you have your boundaries in place and what you are prepared and not prepared to put up with.

Thanks both. We have known each other for 13 years through work but only got together around 6 years ago after both our 20 year relationships failed within about 18 months of each other. It was not rushed, we were together 3 years before getting engaged and then we had to postpone our wedding in lockdown 1 until later that year. It was a small wedding so it wasn't as if it was a massive deal that he couldn't back out of. Everything has been amazing before and since hence why I'm so gobsmacked. .He is estranged from his kids because his ex couldn't differentiate her own feelings of bitterness from what was right to do for the children. When they split up he left her with everything and moved in with his parents, but she knew the children were his Achilles heel so when we got together around a year and a half later, she stopped him having them. There has been a child arrangement order put in place but she has breached and breached it and now the children are older, it is so much harder as we don't know what is their own minds or what is their mothers influence. Maybe the hole he describes is the loss of the children who are still alive, but he is to all intents and purposes a childless father and nothing may ever fill that, which makes me so sad because he has so much love to give and he's been amazing with my two.

To be honest I would be thinking something either medically wrong (my DF did similar when he was going through a bad period of depression) or another woman.

Your life might feel perfect. His clearly doesn't. If the shoe was on the other foot can you honestly say your relationship with him would be sufficient to replace the loss of a relationship with your children?

I have one of those so called perfect marriages that our friends think is beyond perfect. (It isnt) I love my DH with everything I have and we are a blended family but I would not be able to live with his children while I had no relationship with mine. It would hurt to much.

I would say if you want to have a feeling of security in your relationship you both should consider counselling to work through what ever is going on with him.

You're right @Maybe83, I can't imagine how hollow he must feel without his kids. And to be around mine everyday must play a part. I've done everything I can to support him with that from going to alienated father meetings and initiating legal proceedings with him. I think I'm just baffled because he's saying the problem is in our marriage and it's hit me like a truck. I think he needs to speak to someone because as far as I know he has only confided in his parents and he should seek a friend or professional. But he says he doesn't need to and he is clear this is not about his kids. I guess I can only second guess so much and I have to wait and see how receptive he is to taking those steps tonight x

I would disagree with anything medically wrong with him,I think you are experiencing a side to him you haven't seen before.I honestly think you need to get your ducks in a row here and be prepared for him saying he's leaving,I know it seems so unbelievable to you considering you say he's such a nice man--- but he had no contact with you for days like wtf and that's extremely unfair on you.I notice you are making an awful lot of excuses for him. Wh6 did his first marriage end? Did he have an affair or did he just run leaving his wife and children just so upset with no contact?

This is hitting you like a truck because you did not see this coming which tells me he could be very sneaky.his ex wife may have a very different version of the same story

@Hollywolly1 his previous relationship ended because she was violent and controlling and after so long he found the balls to leave her. I've heard this from lots of people who knew her not just him and I've had no reason to question it. She's behaved appallingly since I've been on the scene so I've no doubt she has serious issues. Maybe I am making excuses, but I know this is just not him. In 6 years I've never seen him so lost.

I am cynical, I admit. But this doesn't sound right to me. Never mind anything else, it is cruel for him to just walk out, without an explanation and leave you alone for 6 days or whatever it is. He might have his own issues and traumas but taking it out on you, and indirectly, your DC, seems a bit harsh.

Just talk. This lot will drive you to an early grave.

I love all the conspiracies that come out for every issue.

@TheSpecialist

Just talk. This lot will drive you to an early grave.

I love all the conspiracies that come out for every issue.

Well, talking takes 2 people. And this man has abandoned OP and refused to engage with her. I don't think it's a conspiracy theory to say that he's clearly not being very nice here and the relationship is not what she thought it was.

Ok, so this may be totally a different situation, but there are similarities.

But my DH (and his 2 brothers) are now estranged from their dad. He was a narcissist and was shitty to their mum and pretty sneaky and mean to them (no abuse or anything, just not a nice person). He is now remarried. I have always wondered how she can make peace with the fact that none of his 3 children speak to him anymore. We are sure that he has spun her some line about it all being their mother's fault or the boys were shitty to him. But nope, I was there. And this new wife MUST have fallen for his bullshit hook line and sinker, or there is no way she would have married him. I am always so wary when the line is 'his kids are estranged and it's all the mum's fault' because was it really? Or is actually just another symptom of his dodgy past that a new partner overlooks?

I think all you can do to begin with is stay as calm as possible and listen.

Absorb and reflect but keep your critical faculties on high alert. As lots of questions, open questions as well as ‘yes / no’. Do the answers make sense?

Any suggestions or proposals, give yourself time to think. Don’t agree to anything.

This week hasn’t been fair, and it is a bit much to disappear to his parents for an unspecified length of time and then tell you you are being needy.

But I would deal with that later in the conversation. As much as possible start by listening, and pick up as much as you can without him becoming aggressive / defensive and shutting down.

Good luck OP, I really hope this can be sorted out.

Sorry OP but there will be another woman in the picture. It's the classic script.

I guess we can all speculate but only by communicating with your DH will you know what has led to this change in behaviour. It’s very strange that he has no contact with his children, if he’s a good and caring father. If there is no genuine reason why his Children's mother has prevented that, then it’s very sad and this would most likely have an impact on his mental health over the years. It very much sounds like a mental breakdown. Hopefully the chat goes well and you can get some answers.

So he's essentially walked out on you? Is there a chance that this is what happened with his ex and kids? Got to the point where he felt restless and that the grass might be greener somewhere else and opted out? Exes are frequently painted as absolute arseholes, I know I was and if I was it was because he'd driven me to the edge of sanity so whatever you've heard I'd take rumours about his ex with a pinch of salt.

Having said all that I hope it's just a wobble and that you can talk it out together. It's been a rollercoaster couple of years for everyone but it sounds like you've got a lot going for you x

I would have a nice meal ready, glass of wine, and just listen to what he has to say for himself. He has been quite cruel to just abandon you for 6 days knowing you would be devistated. Nice men don't really do that to their wives. I hope you get it resolved.

I hope you get some answers tonight @brokenbubble. This must be a real shock xx

Don't forget it was only when we got together that she stopped contact (18 months after they split) and before that he did everything with them. He even had chats with the kids who were about 11/13 then about how I asked him for a drink before even embarking on anything with me and they said they were ok with him having a meal with someone new. She responded by saying things on the phone to him like 'I'll tell your children that you have a new family now' and 'you've abandoned your children' and I heard all this for myself. Even the CAFCASS report details that she was still obsessed with him and this affected her ability to make good parental judgements about him continuing his relationships with the children. This went on and on and contact dropped off so it doesn't take a genius to see that she is no angel. I know how ex's can be painted but this was not the case here-she called my children 'brats' on the phone to him so I could overhear, and they are innocent in all this too.

Is one of his children having a ‘big birthday’ this week? 18 or 21?

No but he did miss an opportunity last weekend when he found out that one of them had been in the same place at the same time as him and he didn't know at the time.

I’m sorry, OP. I too thought I had a completely normal and happy marriage until the day he told me he was leaving it. This is what being blindsided is. People don’t understand unless they’ve experienced it. They assume that you must have seen it coming or that your marriage wasn’t good. Well, I didn’t see it coming and I was in a Facebook group with thousands of woman who didn’t see the end of their marriage coming, either. People want to believe that they’d know the signs but often there aren’t any and if there are, we sweep them aside and think our spouse couldn’t possibly be capable of doing that. Affairs are a subject that I educated myself about after my ex left and my suspicions increased.

No one can know for sure here but I too would be suspicious there is OW. You may never find out for sure. 4 years on and I still have no evidence other than the fact that my ex was friends with someone I gradually grew suspicious about after he’d dropped the ‘marriage over’ news on me. He lives with that woman now. He repeatedly denied being involved with her until I eventually found evidence, long after he’d left me.

You’ll be fine. I agree that it is classic ‘Script.’ If he suggest counselling, that’s good and you can try to work through this. In my experience if there’s OW they don’t even want to consider counselling or working on the marriage. There’s plenty of support available online, I found the Runaway Husbands book, website and Facebook group really helpful in recovering from this shattering experience.

Regardless of his issues, leaving you hanging like that is really cruel. Hope you sort it out with him OP. Keep us posted.

Sorry, but as PP said, there is another woman on the scene. Sorry.