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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What has happened?!?!

80 replies

brokenbubble · 07/03/2022 13:46

Hi everyone, I'm new here and my friend recommended I come in for support and advice.
My husband of 16 months and I are are deliriously happy-we are the couple that people envy-our sex life is great, we have such a healthy happy relationship, a beautiful home, everything is good.
However last Monday evening I raised a conversation as I knew something wasn't quite right. He said that he felt something was missing and he couldn't put his finger on it. We don't really argue although there has been some very minor bickering lately. He said that he wanted to spend some time at his parents and he's been there since. We spoke and texted for the first few days (mainly me begging for answers and for him to come home) and in the last few days we haven't spoken at all as he requested space because apparently I'm a bit needy, so I've left him alone which was so tough. Last night after 3 days of radio silence I messaged and said I've respected your space but we need to talk. He is coming home tonight. I don't have a good feeling judging from his business-like tone and subsequent silence although he answered me straight away when I suggested meeting.
I just don't know what's going on. We have just bought a new build house, have a dog and a holiday booked for April. He promises there is no one else as we made a commitment to each other in the beginning that we would always be honest about this if anything happened as we've both experienced something in the past and there are no signs (increased phone use/secrecy/lack of intimacy) to suggest this at all. Like I say, I am attentive and we are intimate every night so he's not looking for anything here. He is the happiest, loveliest man on earth and I'm hoping that he's just going through something in his head and withdrawing back to his man cave for space, but I don't know. He is estranged from him children and has been for years due to parental alienation. We tried to fight but the children have been so poisoned they just don't want to know. He has said that there is a hole in him which he doesn't think can be filled and we know this is the kids but he keeps looking for other reasons. My mother hasn't been too well recently and we both have stressful jobs and I keep thinking maybe I've leaned on him too much and he has just got to the point where he can't face my problems as well as his own. He said he wanted us to do more together but wonders if we're on the same path anymore. I have literally not seen this coming. I can't eat, sleep or function. The dr has just signed me off work as my job is stressful, and I'm mum to 2 kids (he's been in their lives for 6 yrs) who need me but I can't stop torturing myself. I'm hoping he will come home later and admit that the problems aren't in our marriage but with his trauma from his children and we'll work through it. What should I do? How do I cope? While I want support and advice please be kind. This is an incredible man, so affectionate and thoughtful and everything he's demonstrating now is so out of character.

OP posts:
Readytopop2022x · 07/03/2022 20:39

@baileys6904

Op try to ignore all these so called experts that have decided another women is the answer to every question and just trot out the same lines on every occasion. Man gone quiet? Got another woman. Man gone more extrovert? Got another woman Man changes his phone? Got another woman Man won't change phone number? Doesn't want to lose contact with other woman

Its the same old spiel that wouldn't be as bad except they say it with such certainty I wondered if it was your actual husband answering...

Be kind to yourself and know that whatever is said tonight, you are strong enough to find a happier future. There may be someone else, there may not be. You will be ok

Agree with this! 👏
Egghead68 · 07/03/2022 20:44

I’m sorry but I’m another one saying there is another woman. I am sorry you are having to go through this, OP.

oakleaffy · 07/03/2022 20:44

@baileys6904

Op try to ignore all these so called experts that have decided another women is the answer to every question and just trot out the same lines on every occasion. Man gone quiet? Got another woman. Man gone more extrovert? Got another woman Man changes his phone? Got another woman Man won't change phone number? Doesn't want to lose contact with other woman

Its the same old spiel that wouldn't be as bad except they say it with such certainty I wondered if it was your actual husband answering...

Be kind to yourself and know that whatever is said tonight, you are strong enough to find a happier future. There may be someone else, there may not be. You will be ok

This is very true! I think its his Bio kids that he’s missing, as it happened to a male friend He’d literally weep for his “ Little girl”

Years later, via a mutual friend, I heard she’d made contact with him and they had a very close relationship.
I was so happy for them.

If the moon is in its crescent 🌙 form at moment, deffo another woman.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 07/03/2022 20:48

Maybe the guilt of feeling happy when his dc aren't around is hitting? Been there...

WizardOfAus · 07/03/2022 20:51

@baileys6904

Op try to ignore all these so called experts that have decided another women is the answer to every question and just trot out the same lines on every occasion. Man gone quiet? Got another woman. Man gone more extrovert? Got another woman Man changes his phone? Got another woman Man won't change phone number? Doesn't want to lose contact with other woman

Its the same old spiel that wouldn't be as bad except they say it with such certainty I wondered if it was your actual husband answering...

Be kind to yourself and know that whatever is said tonight, you are strong enough to find a happier future. There may be someone else, there may not be. You will be ok

Could you point me to the thread where the OP was devastated her husband wouldn't change his phone number... and all the posters crowed, 'it must be another woman'?

Also the 'man is more extrovert' one...

And while you're there... 'man changes his phone so it must be another woman' thread.

Would love to read all those made up very odd examples you've referenced.

NinaDefoe · 07/03/2022 20:54

@brokenbubble

No but he did miss an opportunity last weekend when he found out that one of them had been in the same place at the same time as him and he didn't know at the time.
It sounds like you’re seeing his true grief for the first time.

Something is missing in his life. His children.

beastlyslumber · 07/03/2022 20:55

No one here can tell you what's in your husband's mind, OP. But alarm bells were ringing for me at your description of your "perfect" marriage and your "happy" husband, who then is revealed to have no contact with his children, leaves you without explaining anything, and tells you you're "needy". I hope that whatever is said between you this evening is an explanation and apology from him for this behaviour. But I think you would be wise to remove your rose-coloured glasses.

Livelovebehappy · 07/03/2022 20:57

@RedPinkRose

I’m sorry, OP. I too thought I had a completely normal and happy marriage until the day he told me he was leaving it. This is what being blindsided is. People don’t understand unless they’ve experienced it. They assume that you must have seen it coming or that your marriage wasn’t good. Well, I didn’t see it coming and I was in a Facebook group with thousands of woman who didn’t see the end of their marriage coming, either. People want to believe that they’d know the signs but often there aren’t any and if there are, we sweep them aside and think our spouse couldn’t possibly be capable of doing that. Affairs are a subject that I educated myself about after my ex left and my suspicions increased.

No one can know for sure here but I too would be suspicious there is OW. You may never find out for sure. 4 years on and I still have no evidence other than the fact that my ex was friends with someone I gradually grew suspicious about after he’d dropped the ‘marriage over’ news on me. He lives with that woman now. He repeatedly denied being involved with her until I eventually found evidence, long after he’d left me.

You’ll be fine. I agree that it is classic ‘Script.’ If he suggest counselling, that’s good and you can try to work through this. In my experience if there’s OW they don’t even want to consider counselling or working on the marriage. There’s plenty of support available online, I found the Runaway Husbands book, website and Facebook group really helpful in recovering from this shattering experience. Flowers

Agree with this. I thought my marriage was great. Until it wasn’t. According to him. Not all affairs happen due to a crap marriage. It’s sometimes just the excitement of the grass might be greener. My gut says OW in your case, but hope i’m wrong.
beastlyslumber · 07/03/2022 20:57

Oh, and if your friend is on MN and she's telling you to come here for advice, I wonder if that suggests she knows what kind of advice you'll get... Maybe another conversation with her once you've spoken with your husband will be helpful.

PeakyBlender · 07/03/2022 20:59

Hope the talk went well

turnaroundtime · 07/03/2022 21:19

Yes, hope you have some clarity tonight OP

Bangolads · 07/03/2022 21:32

Haven’t read all the responses- my husband did this and my friends husband did this. It was agony- I think my husband did have feelings for someone else and had to work through it but never told me and never has. I painfully got on with my life without him with sporadic contact. At first I lost weight, was ill and couldn’t believe it was happening, by month 5 I was coming out the other side and could see a future without him. Then my father because fatefully ill. My husband was incredibly supportive, a few months later we got back together and slowly worked it out. That was 5 years ago. Life’s not perfect but we’re happy. I hate how it affected our kids but they moved on. My friends husband said similar to yours- 3 months later he was back after he realised how great she was and how much better she made his life.

TristesseDurera · 07/03/2022 21:38

You worked together for 13 years
Completely coincidentally both of your marriages ended at exactly the same time
Then you happened to ask him put
Hmm

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 07/03/2022 21:39

I had a very happy and romantic marriage, though I'm a widow now. But it would never have crossed my mind to see my marriage as something others envied. Neither of us took ourselves too seriously. We knew we both had feet of clay.

Which is why this comment resonated with me:

Your ecstatic description of tour perfect and enviable marriage rings alarm bells for me. No healthy marriage is perfect and unassailable in the way you describe. Perhaps his vision of the marriage is one of feeling trapped, needed too much, touched out? Whose decision was it to get a dog?

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 07/03/2022 21:44

I would add that this sudden, dramatic withdrawal betrays a marked lack of respect for you. I'm sorry to say that I fear this is no storm in a teacup. Brace yourself.

OrlandointheWilderness · 07/03/2022 21:53

Good luck for tonight op. Hope you get some resolution

HomeHomeInTheRange · 08/03/2022 09:34

How are things this morning @brokenbubble ?

MermaidEyes · 08/03/2022 09:59

I hope you managed to talk and resolve things. There's another very similar thread on here today of a man who seemed to be having a mental health crisis and needed space, turns out there was another woman. Hoping that really isn't the case here 🙏

WizardOfAus · 08/03/2022 11:14

@MermaidEyes

I hope you managed to talk and resolve things. There's another very similar thread on here today of a man who seemed to be having a mental health crisis and needed space, turns out there was another woman. Hoping that really isn't the case here 🙏
I think there's two threads trending this morning with the exact same circumstances.

Man withdrew... wife thought he must be depressed / what's happened to him??

Both have discovered there is another woman.

pompomseverywhere · 08/03/2022 12:25

Can someone like the other similar thread please?

givemeallthecheese · 08/03/2022 13:14

we have such a healthy happy relationship

I'm sorry Op, but this just isn't true. You thought you had a healthy happy relationship but he clearly doesn't if he finds you needy, wants space and can happily not talk to you for days on end KNOWING you would be out of your mind with worry.
He is selfish, even if he isn't a cheat. And clearly putting on a front to lead you to believe he was happy.

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 08/03/2022 13:27

@pompomseverywhere

Links below

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4499436-so-it-was-ow-and-not-a-mental-health-crisis

So it was OW and not a mental health crisis

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4499515-And-so-the-plot-thickens-OW-suddenly-emerged

And so the plot thickens. OW suddenly emerged

baileys6904 · 08/03/2022 15:04

Awww @wizardofaus, u not great with sarcasm, no?

And if you don't think there's an over use of 'there's another woman' on this forum, that says all that's neededSmile

theveryhungrycatapillar · 08/03/2022 15:56

Hope your ok OP xx

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 08/03/2022 16:16

I also hope you’re okay @brokenbubble